Funny film reviews written by you!

Mike has written a total of 1,237 reviews with an average rating of 5. Mike particularly liked Fight Club (1999), Se7en (1995), Snatch (2000), Gladiator (2000), V for Vendetta (2005), The Matrix (1999), The Corporation (2003) and Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008).

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Return to Space (2022) - 6/10

Elon Musk is a strange cat isn't he? If you had to ask me which human being alive on planet Earth at the moment is most likely to be an alien, I'd probably go for Musk. I mean it'd be a shit guess because I've only ever laid eyes on 99.9% of people on Earth but there you go. He certainly acts oddly enough to pass as an alien pretending to be human. And the fact he's so obsessed with space and spaceships and space flight just adds to my suspicions. I mean, he even gave his kid an alien-sounding name. Maybe he's just a proper fucking nerd or maybe, like E.T., he just wants to get home. Maybe he's used his massive alien brains to amass a ridiculous fortune in which he can spend on getting himself home. So that's what this documentary is about; getting Musk back to his home planet and maybe taking some of us with him for a laugh. It's worth a watch because it's interesting and because what he's doing, long-term, could be absolutely massive for the human race.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, April 13, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Adam Project (2022) - 4/10

I'm beginning to think that I should avoid Ryan Reynolds films. I know a lot of people like them but I can't think of one I've enjoyed. Even your Deadpools and Free Guys aren't for me. In fact, they epitomise the sort of film I'm talking about. Produced for the easily pleased brain-dead masses, and this is another one. I'm not interested in escapism; I want the harsh brutality of the world rammed down my throat at full whack. And that's not Ryan Reynolds' bag, is it? Everything is a big joke to him. Well he's a big joke to me, and if you're into his films, you're a big fucking joke too. In fact, you're even worse because at least he's getting paid. You're paying for the pleasure, you fucking shmuck.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 24, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Lost Daughter (2021) - 6/10

Dakato Johnson is genuinely - and I can't stress this enough - fucking gorgeous. I don't know what it is about her but she's just got something that very few other women have. And it can't be captured by a picture; you only catch it in motion. She is the girl you see on the train each morning who you can't help but steal a glance at. She is the call centre worker you spoke to on the phone once who had an voice so sexy that you still think about her years later. She is the girl next door. She is your first love. I could go on but you get the idea. It's not even that I just want to fuck her; I want to make her laugh and give her a cuddle and yes, absolutely, fuck her into oblivion. Anyway, the film... It's, well, a bit weird. But I'm into weird. Weird is my middle name (thanks Mum and Dad). Most people will hate it because it's a serious - some would say pretentious - film. So maybe someone as shallow as you, especially, should give it a miss.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, March 22, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Boiling Point (2021) - 7/10

I told my wife about this film and she said, "No, it's not for me." When pressed as to why she said that Stephen Graham's films are too edgy and dark and full of stress. Which, funnily enough, is why I like them. So she fucked off upstairs to watch RuPaul or something and I put it on. And it was all the things she suggested it would be, and because of that, I enjoyed it.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 17, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Courier (2020) - 6/10

This is another supposed spy thriller based on a supposed true story involving some very English guys with their very English accents, one of which is played by Benefit Cumberbund or whatever his name is. I'm sure this guy did great work for the country but does it really interest me enough to watch a two hour film about it? Probably not. And I still can't decide if I like Banderlecht Cumderbitch or not. He has them horribly snakey eyes and far too many angles to his face for me. Bet he's terrible at getting the round in.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, March 16, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Together (2021) - 4/10

I like James McAvoy and Sharon Horgan and two people living together through lockdown whilst hating one another sounds like just the sort of misery I would enjoy. However, I had to turn it off. I couldn't stand the constantly talking to the camera thing. It breaks the fourth wall too much for me. I did like the long takes though and the acting was, of course, very good. But it's a no from me.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, March 15, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Alpinist (2021) - 9/10

This absolutely blew me away. What a fella. A young kid who grew up to literally live his dreams. Stories like his really make you wonder what we're all doing with our lives. It's like he knows the answer to life and we're all just fucking bums. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's the path you take. Each one comes with its own challenges and its own comforts and we each pick the one we think best suits us. A truly inspirational film but one which will probably leave you conflicted. I'll be thinking about this for a while.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 10, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Don't Look Up (2021) - 7/10

I enjoyed this and the message it delivers. It is a very important message and it is delivered in a superb way. Leo - it now goes without saying really - is absolutely exceptional. I've never seen an actor act such nervousness into a role before. He even beats that guy in Se7en, you know the one. The "He... he put that thing on me... He made me wear it... He told me to fuck her, and... and I did! I fucked her!" guy. Anyway, speaking of which, we, as in the human race, are currently fucking the planet, and no-one forced us to do it by gunpoint. We just did because we are greedy, lazy, disgusting bastards and, to be honest, on some days, I do hope we all burn. And that's what this film is about.

Posted by Mike on Friday, February 25, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Bruce Springsteen's Letter To You (2020) - 7/10

Bruce Springsteen is fucking great and you if disagree I will fucking fight you. I'm not a big fan of all his music but he does have some tunes that I absolutely adore. I keep telling myself that at some point I will dedicate the time required to listen to all of his back catalogue, but, unfortunately, I have kids that sap all my time. Maybe when they grow the fuck up, I'll get a minute. Anyway, this shows the process Springsteen and his E Street Band go through to record music and it's very enlightening, although, not quite as good as Springsteen On Broadway. So maybe watch that instead.

Posted by Mike on Friday, January 28, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Unforgivable (2021) - 6/10

This is Sandra Bullock's latest offering, featuring her ever-more plastic face. Mad how she looks now because she was arguably the fittest bird alive when Demolition Man came out. I was only 10 at the time but fucking hell, the things I dreamed about doing to her back then... My mother would have been disgusted. Anyway, I thought this was decent. Miserable like, but as you know, that's my jam.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, January 27, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Tragedy of Macbeth (2021) - 3/10

Might as well have been in fucking Chinese, this. Not to mention it's in black and white and 4:3 ratio. So it's a no from me. Which is shame because the cast is absolutely superb.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 26, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Banker (2020) - 6/10

This is a fictionalised version of a true story based on black men who had to fight racism back in the day in order to prosper. It's one we've heard before, I know, but it's a story worth telling. Good on these fellas for not towing the line and having the ambition to succeed in the way they did. Men like these are just as important as the likes of MLK in the twisted path of history from slavery to the world we live in today.

Posted by Mike on Monday, January 24, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Finch (2021) - 6/10

I've wondered for years how long until someone can make a Real Doll that has enough AI inbuilt in to it so that it can realistically satisfy all my sexual desires. When that day arrives, and I'm sure it will, I will be emptying the kids savings account to buy myself one. Divorce from my now useless wife will surely follow and me and my latex girlfriend will live happily ever after. This film is sort of like that but with less mess. The general intelligence of the robot must be taken with a monstrous pinch of salt, but the rest, I suppose, seems plausibile. A story we've all heard a million times over though.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, January 20, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Rescue (2021) - 8/10

This one of those true stories that had it been made as a fictional film, you'd claim it was too unrealistic. How these guys managed to get these boys out of a flooded cave, at such depths, is truly remarkable. They knew what they were doing was incredibly dangerous, not just for the kids involved but also for themselves. And yet, they did it anyway. None of them should ever have to buy a pint ever again. True heroes.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 19, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Swan Song (2021) - 7/10

This is very Black Mirror and I fucking love Black Mirror. I also love misery and this has plenty of that. It's a very realistic near-future Sci-Fi story about how far a man would go to protect his family. Without spoiling it too much, it's a process I'd like to go through myself because I'm pretty sure me and other individual involved would get on great.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, January 18, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Wrath Of Man (2021) - 6/10

This was worth a watch - let's be honest, who doesn't love a heist film? - but I was a little disappointed, mainly because it didn't contain any of the usual Guy Ritchie humour, which, for me, is his USP. And because of that it's just another of these films, of which there have been many. And, to be honest, it's not even as good as some of the more recent ones, ie Den of Thieves and The Town.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, December 21, 2021 / imdb / amazon

The Work (2017) - 5/10

This is a documentary about a prison program in which a bunch of tatoo-laden, hard-hitting, gang-sign-throwing motherfuckers all sit around together having deeper conversations than they do in Dawson's Creek. I'm a man so talking about my feelings is nearly as awkward as another man talking to me about his feelings, so this is a fucking awkward watch. Espeically all the crying and hugging and shit. I mean it looks like it helps but it also looks like, to me, that there's some acting going on.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, December 16, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Labyrinth of Lies (2014) - 6/10

I learned a lot watching this; like how great the ignorance - or even denial - was Germans initially had about the crimes that had been committed during the second world war. In the years following the end of the war, many Germans didn't know about the Holocaust, about Auschwitz or about the number of people who the Nazis had killed. It took amazing work of people to document it before it generally became accepted, and for the worst war criminals to be prosecuted. I also learned that the German word for poison is "gift", which is a bit unfortunate.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, December 15, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Who Am I (2014) - 6/10

I wanted to watch this because it's by the creators of Netflix series DARK, which, if you haven't seen it, is absolutely fucking superb. They even share some of the same actors. This film is alright but the hacker thing has been done over and over now. The soundtrack is great though. But seriously, watch DARK. You won't regret it.

Posted by Mike on Friday, December 10, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Palmer (2021) - 6/10

This is the age old story of a convict who gets out of prison and tries to go on the straight and narrow back at home where his reputation and record thwart his journey down that path. It's been done before - as has the adorable kid thing too - but it was an alright watch. I wouldn't watch it again but I'm also not disappointed that I did. It's in that sort of Goldie Locks zone of films that will probably never cross your mind ever again. I do like Justin Timberlake though, and he's veryy good in this.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, December 7, 2021 / imdb / amazon

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