Funny film reviews written by you!

Mike has written a total of 1,321 reviews with an average rating of 5. Mike particularly liked Fight Club (1999), Se7en (1995), Snatch (2000), Gladiator (2000), V for Vendetta (2005), The Matrix (1999), The Corporation (2003) and Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008).

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El número nueve (2019) - 6/10

I loved Gabriel Batistuta when I was growing up. Fiorentina were my Italian team because of him. He was just such a good striker - a complete number nine - and he could proper thundertwat the ball, which is very impressive when you're nine. Purple is still my favourite colour to this day, and him and Fiorentina are probably the main reason why. Him in that purple kit with them flowing locks and the headband. What a fucking fella. Well this film is about him. About him back then and about him now, and about how fucked his ankles are nowadays due to kicking the ball dead hard for years. It's interesting enough but maybe could have been done differently, and by differently, I mean better.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 31, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Beau Is Afraid (2023) - 6/10

I watched this about three moths ago and I'm still trying to come to terms with it enough to write a review. I have to say, I have genuine concerns for mental wellbeing of the person who wrote this and I sincerely hope their relationship with mother has improved. It is a proper journey of a film. At the start I was laughing out loud but as it goes on, it gets real dark. I think I'm going to watch it again. It's one of those that stays with you.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 24, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Society of the Snow (2023) - 7/10

For starters, this is worth watching for the plane crash alone. And no, that's not a fucking spoiler, you arsehole. That's like saying talking about the ship sinking in Titanic is a spoiler. Anyway, the rest is very good, too. It portrays the mire they find themselves in so well that I actually felt cold watching it, whilst sat in my warm living room wrapped in a deluxe blanket. At one point, I felt so bad for them, I had to go and make myself a hot chocolate. When you know the story as well as most of us know this story, it's a tough job to make the film interesting enough, but it certainly does. I enjoyed it and the dubbing on Netflix was very good too.

Posted by Mike on Monday, January 22, 2024 / imdb / amazon

20 Feet From Stardom (2013) - 6/10

This is about backing singers and the importance they have played in some of the biggest songs in history, especially in the 70s. Many of these are incredibly talented and deserve as much fame and fortune as any artist you could name, but it just didn't work out that way for some. It's a reminder that sometimes talent and hard work alone just aren't enough.

Posted by Mike on Saturday, January 20, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Plane (2023) - 4/10

Your bog-standard Gerard Butler action film. I need not say any more.

Posted by Mike on Friday, January 19, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Evil Dead Rise (2023) - 3/10

I watched this expecting it to be shit and guess what? It was shit. You know the script; you've seen it all before. Woman becomes possessed and starts doing mad shit. And by mad shit I mean trying to kill all her loved ones. There is nothing unqiue about this. Shite.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, January 18, 2024 / imdb / amazon

The Walk (2015) - 5/10

Do yourself a favour and just watch Man On Wire instead. It's so much better than this.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 17, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Reminiscence (2021) - 3/10

I enjoy time travel films generally but I did not enjoy this one. It got too into it too soon. Where's the foreplay for fuck's sake? Don't just jam it in dry; lube me up a bit; make me wet. I turned it off after 30 minutes. It's only a shame time travel isn't real so I couldn't get that time back.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, January 16, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Saltburn (2023) - 5/10

It became very apparent very early on, to me at least, that the woman who wrote this probably loves writing raunchy Harry Potter fanfiction in which they are all fucking each other all the time. She's probably got particularly excited by one of her stories and thought, "You know what? There might be something in this!" So she's tweaked it ever so slightly to make it marginally more realistic, then decided to pitch it to Netflix, who have then swallowed her bullshit wholeheartedly. It's not a bad film, but I'm not gullible enough to enjoy it too much either. I'm sure plenty of virgin teenagers will, though, which, let's be honest, is Netflix's target audience. An incessant gripe of mine, too, is when a non-Scouse actor tries to do a Scouse accent, so that can fuck off an' all.

Posted by Mike on Friday, January 12, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Sly (2023) - 6/10

When you're a lad born in the 70s or 80s, you just love Stallone. He was a hero with many faces - unfortunately all with that dodgy smile - when we were growing up. Most actors would kill to land a role like Rocky or Rambo. Stallone did both, amongst others. Rocky 4 was my Go To film when I was off school sick as a kid. I honestly believe I've watched it 100 times. It's still as good now as ever. This is a good little glimpse into his life then, his life now and the person he is. It won't blow you socks off but it's worth a watch.

Posted by Mike on Friday, January 5, 2024 / imdb / amazon

The Killer (2023) - 6/10

I adore David Fincher and Fassbender, too, is exceptional viewing, so I was expecting a lot from this. Sadly, it wasn't as good as I was expecting.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 3, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Leave the World Behind (2023) - 6/10

Everyone of a certain vintage remembers the TV show Lost. It was brilliant. For a while, at least. If you've never seen it - surely fucking not, but let's pretend - it's about a bunch of people who end up on a desert island after a plane crash and all this mad shit starts happening. And the best bit of it is the anticipation about what's going to happen next and, importantly, why all this mad shit is happening. It's the why that keeps you interested. Why the black smoke? Why the polar bear? Why the button? And yet, they drag the why out. They get their monies worth out of the why and then they wring it for more value. Which, ultimately - like a Ugandan dollar - diminishes the value of the why eventually. Diminishes it to the point of valuelessness. We all lost interest in the why eventually because most of the mad shit was never explained. But why am I talking about Lost, you may ask? Because this is a feauture length version of Lost. Plenty of why and very few answers. We all need some why or what's the point? I enjoyed it, for the most part, and was very into the why, but the ending is a kidney blow as you're looking over your shoulder for the why.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, December 21, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Reptile (2023) - 5/10

Who doesn't love Benecia Del Toro? I'd probably watch anything he's in. He delivers the killer line in one of the greatest scenes in film history in Usual Suspects and he is also excepional in the tremendous Sicario. This though, isn't great. It's not bad; it's just average, hence me giving it a 5, because that would make sense on a rating out of 10, wouldn't it, you fucking window licker? Did you not listen at school or something? Anyhow, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, December 14, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Federico Chiesa - Back on Track (2023) - 5/10

Did you know that the word chiesa is Italian for church? I heard that once as a kid on Channel 4's Football Italia and it has always stuck with me. Back then, James Richardson was talking about Enrico Chiesa, who is Federico's dad. I liked Enrico (he was part of that fantastic 90s Parma team) and I also like Federico. This is the story of how he came back from an ACL injury. I enjoy sports documentaries but this was a bit of a let down. It was informative, I suppose, in that it shows the sheer amount of work these fellas put in to recover from these sort of injuries. So good on him. But yeah, it won't have you off your seat.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, November 1, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Talk To Me (2023) - 6/10

It's Halloween today, which means we all get to do the usual fun Halloween routine, from rushing home from work whilst trying to avoid bonetting any kids to throwing toast down our necks whilst dressing our own little bastards in whatever shit outfit they demanded to wear this year. From the strange guilt you feel from sending your kids down another garden path to knock on a stranger's door, feeling like some sort of noncey pimp whilst the heavens drench you to the three-hour bedtime routine we'll have to endure as the little twats can't sleep after all the sugar they've consumed. Ah Halloween. What's not to love? But yeah, a perfect time to review a scary film. And you know what? This one's not too bad. I despise horrors nowadays but this is decent, although it does get a bit silly at the end. If you're not spending all night on Instagram seeking out pictures of scantily-clad women a couple of decades younger than you dressed in slutty horror-themed outfits - my personal favourite Halloween past time - then you should maybe watch this.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, October 31, 2023 / imdb / amazon

The Creator (2023) - 3/10

The is possibly the most rushed film I've ever seen. It's like they made the film then realised it was five hours long, so they had to compress it into two hours. It would have probably worked much better as a six part Netflix or Prime series that moved at a much slower pace. I didn't even know what was going on a lot of the time. There was so little background put into any of the characters that I just wasn't invested in them at all either. And I'm not entirely sure why the kid was so special, because even that was the result of a quick conversation where some random fella - who also gets the briefest of introductions - says she is special. This is a key point of the whole film; perhaps spend more than 11 seconds on it, ey guys? There also is limited emphasis on other key plot points - like what caused the war in the first place, amongst others - and I very nearly missed it. Had I not been in the cinema for this, I probably would have turned it off.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, October 26, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Deep Water (2022) - 4/10

Anyone who frequents this site even semi-regularly will know how much I adore Ana De Armas. Well, I'm going to be honest here, because we're mates, you and I. I only watched this film because someone told me Ana De Armas is "proper slutty" in it. Say no more, my man. I shall watch it tonight. And watch it tonight, I did. It has a score of 5.5 on IMDB which, if you ask me, is fairly generous. And I knew that going in; but, yet, Ana De Armas being slutty would convince me despite the rating. It could have scored a 1.8 and I'd still have banged it on. It's a shit film but I'd still recommend it because, my God, she really is fucking incredible.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, September 5, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Aftersun (2022) - 8/10

This is my sort of jam. It's about a woman - now grown up - thinking back to a holiday she had as a kid with her troubled dad, who, we are led to believe, is no longer around, and what impact that may have had on her. It's very well done - some, I'm sure, would say it's slow - but it's subtle, and I like that, because life is in the small moments. It ended with me just wanting to give them both a big hug, because parenting is hard, and losing parents is hard. And fucking hell, life is hard. And if we only knew what was coming. Maybe some do and maybe that's why they get off the ride. I'll be watching it again soon. I suggest you do, too.

Posted by Mike on Friday, September 1, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Dave Not Coming Back (2020) - 6/10

This is the story of a cave diver who, whilst out one day casually breaking the record for the deepest cave dive ever, comes across the body of some soft cunt who died years earlier diving the same cave. And being the hero that he is, he decides to retrieve the body, as you do. So he gathers loads of his cave-diving mates together and they dive down and bring the body back to the surface. What a heart-warming story. Except, no, hang on. That's not right, is it? He only goes and fucking dies himself doing it, doens't he? Now who's the soft cunt? I feel this film would have been MUCH better had they kept some mystery about the outcome. Maybe, you know, don't fucking title the sodding film, Dave Not Coming Back. Perhaps, Dave Maybe Coming Back or Dave Gone Done Fucked Up? Anyway, it's worth a watch, and good on Dave for having a go. And he sort of achieved what he set out to accomplish anyway. It just would have been better for all concerned had he not died himself whilst doing it.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, August 24, 2023 / imdb / amazon

Missing: The Lucie Blackman Case (2023) - 5/10

No-one reads any more, do they? Do you? I mean, some must, mustn't they? Because books are still a thing and beatsellers are still a thing and books are still something that Amazon sells, although Amazon sells fucking everything nowdays, from cherry flavoured lube to diamoned-tipped brillbits and 12-foot high beachballs that will most likely kill actual people if ever taken to an even slightly breezy beach. And let's be honest, have you ever been on a beach that isn't breezy? Anyway, I ask this question because there's a book about this case - called People Who Eat Darkness – and I read it a decade ago, and it's a fantastic book. I very much enjoy true crime, I very much enjoy hearing about young attractive women being slayed and so I very much enjoyed this book. So my advice to you is, to read the book, rather than watch this. But then, for visuals, maybe watch this too. Oh I don't know. Fucking do whatever you want.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, August 22, 2023 / imdb / amazon

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