Funny film reviews written by you!

Girl In The Picture (2022) - 7/10

If you're into true crime or mad stories and mad goings on involving mysteries and mad bastards, then you'll probably enjoy this. There are some horrible twats in the world who do some horrendous shit to good people.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, August 9, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Prey (2022) - 6/10

Predator is one of the greatest films ever made so any film involving one is absolutely essential viewing, especially for people of a certain generation. They have done us dirty in the past with some of the other films in the franchise. I still remember the excitement amongst my mates for Alien vs Predator; probably the most eagerly anticipated film of our lives, given how much we love both franchises... But it was a massive disappointment. After so long, the excitement about Prey was up there too and, again, it left me disappointed. I know I always go on about this, but some of the scenes are just too unrealistic. And yeah, I get it, what's realistic about a film in which an alien travels down to earth to hunt humans? But I'm happy to accept that as the plot, some of the other things less so, but that's just me being an overly-literal bastard. It's a cross I have to bear I'm afraid. Oh, and one more thing, the bear scene should have been much longer.

Posted by Mike on Monday, August 8, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Gray Man (2022) - 6/10

Everything is ridiculous and flamboyant to the nth degree nowadays; films, popular music, energy prices, and films, like this one. It's an entertaining watch but it really is quite absurd. I guess that's what the kids are into nowadays but, genuinely, where do you stop? Because it's getting a bit silly now. I'm nearly in my 40s and get grumpier by the day but fucking hell. However, it does have Ana De Amas is in it and I would happily watch her choke my first born. She is perfectly cast for this preposterous film because she is just outrageously easy on the eye. Honestly, seeing her face compels both a strange sense of contentment whilst also inspiring a mad craving of some sort in my loins which I'm 99% sure can only be satiated by jamming my dick into something. She is absolutely a 10/10; this film, on the other hand, barely gets half that.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, August 3, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Top Gun: Maverick (2022) - 8/10

I fucking love the first Top Gun. I always have. I must have seen it 100 times. So, of course, I was deeply skeptical about this new one. I mean, most decade-later sequels are fucking dog shit, aren't they? Well, you know what, I was wrong. This is great. It recycles a little too much of the original film for my liking but try telling that to my face two minutes in when the film opened with Highway to the Danger Zone; at that point I was grinning like Tom Cruise stood on Ophra's couch, except, you know, with my own teeth and stuff. Anyway, Cruise plays the part of Maverick very well again which is pretty bonkers because that motherfucker is 60 next week! 60! He could easy pass for mid-late 40s, as could Jennifer Connelly, who has always been pretty fit. Anyway, the last 40 minutes or so of the film are as good as any you'll see.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, June 23, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Belfast (2021) - 5/10

This is shot in black and white and tries to depict a conflict within 1960s Belfast as some sort of Western. That says all you need to know. If you're into poncey black and white films with artsy shots and loads of There's-That-Guy-From-Whatcha-Call-It actors in, then you'll be in for a treat. I thought it would full of misery and therefore right up my street, but, alas, sadly not.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, May 24, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Return to Space (2022) - 6/10

Elon Musk is a strange cat isn't he? If you had to ask me which human being alive on planet Earth at the moment is most likely to be an alien, I'd probably go for Musk. I mean it'd be a shit guess because I've only ever laid eyes on 99.9% of people on Earth but there you go. He certainly acts oddly enough to pass as an alien pretending to be human. And the fact he's so obsessed with space and spaceships and space flight just adds to my suspicions. I mean, he even gave his kid an alien-sounding name. Maybe he's just a proper fucking nerd or maybe, like E.T., he just wants to get home. Maybe he's used his massive alien brains to amass a ridiculous fortune in which he can spend on getting himself home. So that's what this documentary is about; getting Musk back to his home planet and maybe taking some of us with him for a laugh. It's worth a watch because it's interesting and because what he's doing, long-term, could be absolutely massive for the human race.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, April 13, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Adam Project (2022) - 4/10

I'm beginning to think that I should avoid Ryan Reynolds films. I know a lot of people like them but I can't think of one I've enjoyed. Even your Deadpools and Free Guys aren't for me. In fact, they epitomise the sort of film I'm talking about. Produced for the easily pleased brain-dead masses, and this is another one. I'm not interested in escapism; I want the harsh brutality of the world rammed down my throat at full whack. And that's not Ryan Reynolds' bag, is it? Everything is a big joke to him. Well he's a big joke to me, and if you're into his films, you're a big fucking joke too. In fact, you're even worse because at least he's getting paid. You're paying for the pleasure, you fucking shmuck.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 24, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Lost Daughter (2021) - 6/10

Dakato Johnson is genuinely - and I can't stress this enough - fucking gorgeous. I don't know what it is about her but she's just got something that very few other women have. And it can't be captured by a picture; you only catch it in motion. She is the girl you see on the train each morning who you can't help but steal a glance at. She is the call centre worker you spoke to on the phone once who had an voice so sexy that you still think about her years later. She is the girl next door. She is your first love. I could go on but you get the idea. It's not even that I just want to fuck her; I want to make her laugh and give her a cuddle and yes, absolutely, fuck her into oblivion. Anyway, the film... It's, well, a bit weird. But I'm into weird. Weird is my middle name (thanks Mum and Dad). Most people will hate it because it's a serious - some would say pretentious - film. So maybe someone as shallow as you, especially, should give it a miss.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, March 22, 2022 / imdb / amazon

Boiling Point (2021) - 7/10

I told my wife about this film and she said, "No, it's not for me." When pressed as to why she said that Stephen Graham's films are too edgy and dark and full of stress. Which, funnily enough, is why I like them. So she fucked off upstairs to watch RuPaul or something and I put it on. And it was all the things she suggested it would be, and because of that, I enjoyed it.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 17, 2022 / imdb / amazon

The Courier (2020) - 6/10

This is another supposed spy thriller based on a supposed true story involving some very English guys with their very English accents, one of which is played by Benefit Cumberbund or whatever his name is. I'm sure this guy did great work for the country but does it really interest me enough to watch a two hour film about it? Probably not. And I still can't decide if I like Banderlecht Cumderbitch or not. He has them horribly snakey eyes and far too many angles to his face for me. Bet he's terrible at getting the round in.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, March 16, 2022 / imdb / amazon

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