Return to Space (2022) - 6/10
Elon Musk is a strange cat isn't he? If you had to ask me which human being alive on planet Earth at the moment is most likely to be an alien, I'd probably go for Musk. I mean it'd be a shit guess because I've only ever laid eyes on 99.9% of people on Earth but there you go. He certainly acts oddly enough to pass as an alien pretending to be human. And the fact he's so obsessed with space and spaceships and space flight just adds to my suspicions. I mean, he even gave his kid an alien-sounding name. Maybe he's just a proper fucking nerd or maybe, like E.T., he just wants to get home. Maybe he's used his massive alien brains to amass a ridiculous fortune in which he can spend on getting himself home. So that's what this documentary is about; getting Musk back to his home planet and maybe taking some of us with him for a laugh. It's worth a watch because it's interesting and because what he's doing, long-term, could be absolutely massive for the human race.
The Adam Project (2022) - 4/10
I'm beginning to think that I should avoid Ryan Reynolds films. I know a lot of people like them but I can't think of one I've enjoyed. Even your Deadpools and Free Guys aren't for me. In fact, they epitomise the sort of film I'm talking about. Produced for the easily pleased brain-dead masses, and this is another one. I'm not interested in escapism; I want the harsh brutality of the world rammed down my throat at full whack. And that's not Ryan Reynolds' bag, is it? Everything is a big joke to him. Well he's a big joke to me, and if you're into his films, you're a big fucking joke too. In fact, you're even worse because at least he's getting paid. You're paying for the pleasure, you fucking shmuck.
The Lost Daughter (2021) - 6/10
Dakato Johnson is genuinely - and I can't stress this enough - fucking gorgeous. I don't know what it is about her but she's just got something that very few other women have. And it can't be captured by a picture; you only catch it in motion. She is the girl you see on the train each morning who you can't help but steal a glance at. She is the call centre worker you spoke to on the phone once who had an voice so sexy that you still think about her years later. She is the girl next door. She is your first love. I could go on but you get the idea. It's not even that I just want to fuck her; I want to make her laugh and give her a cuddle and yes, absolutely, fuck her into oblivion. Anyway, the film... It's, well, a bit weird. But I'm into weird. Weird is my middle name (thanks Mum and Dad). Most people will hate it because it's a serious - some would say pretentious - film. So maybe someone as shallow as you, especially, should give it a miss.
Boiling Point (2021) - 7/10
I told my wife about this film and she said, "No, it's not for me." When pressed as to why she said that Stephen Graham's films are too edgy and dark and full of stress. Which, funnily enough, is why I like them. So she fucked off upstairs to watch RuPaul or something and I put it on. And it was all the things she suggested it would be, and because of that, I enjoyed it.
The Courier (2020) - 6/10
This is another supposed spy thriller based on a supposed true story involving some very English guys with their very English accents, one of which is played by Benefit Cumberbund or whatever his name is. I'm sure this guy did great work for the country but does it really interest me enough to watch a two hour film about it? Probably not. And I still can't decide if I like Banderlecht Cumderbitch or not. He has them horribly snakey eyes and far too many angles to his face for me. Bet he's terrible at getting the round in.
Together (2021) - 4/10
I like James McAvoy and Sharon Horgan and two people living together through lockdown whilst hating one another sounds like just the sort of misery I would enjoy. However, I had to turn it off. I couldn't stand the constantly talking to the camera thing. It breaks the fourth wall too much for me. I did like the long takes though and the acting was, of course, very good. But it's a no from me.
The Alpinist (2021) - 9/10
This absolutely blew me away. What a fella. A young kid who grew up to literally live his dreams. Stories like his really make you wonder what we're all doing with our lives. It's like he knows the answer to life and we're all just fucking bums. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's the path you take. Each one comes with its own challenges and its own comforts and we each pick the one we think best suits us. A truly inspirational film but one which will probably leave you conflicted. I'll be thinking about this for a while.
Don't Look Up (2021) - 7/10
I enjoyed this and the message it delivers. It is a very important message and it is delivered in a superb way. Leo - it now goes without saying really - is absolutely exceptional. I've never seen an actor act such nervousness into a role before. He even beats that guy in Se7en, you know the one. The "He... he put that thing on me... He made me wear it... He told me to fuck her, and... and I did! I fucked her!" guy. Anyway, speaking of which, we, as in the human race, are currently fucking the planet, and no-one forced us to do it by gunpoint. We just did because we are greedy, lazy, disgusting bastards and, to be honest, on some days, I do hope we all burn. And that's what this film is about.
Bruce Springsteen is fucking great and you if disagree I will fucking fight you. I'm not a big fan of all his music but he does have some tunes that I absolutely adore. I keep telling myself that at some point I will dedicate the time required to listen to all of his back catalogue, but, unfortunately, I have kids that sap all my time. Maybe when they grow the fuck up, I'll get a minute. Anyway, this shows the process Springsteen and his E Street Band go through to record music and it's very enlightening, although, not quite as good as Springsteen On Broadway. So maybe watch that instead.
The Unforgivable (2021) - 6/10
This is Sandra Bullock's latest offering, featuring her ever-more plastic face. Mad how she looks now because she was arguably the fittest bird alive when Demolition Man came out. I was only 10 at the time but fucking hell, the things I dreamed about doing to her back then... My mother would have been disgusted. Anyway, I thought this was decent. Miserable like, but as you know, that's my jam.