Funny film reviews written by you!

The Guilty (2021) - 6/10

The Danish version of this is great. The rehashed version is alright but not a patch on the original. It got so slated that I nearly didn't bother watching it but it was my top suggestion on netflix and I was looking for some background noise whilst I bathed and dismembered all my barbie dolls, so on it went. I had to pause it at one point because it just felt too weird masturbating with the freshly washed hair of a decapitated barbie doll wrapped around my dick with Jake Gyllenhaal's pained expression staring back at me from the telly. I got it finished though once my dolls were put to bed and I didn't think it was at all as bad as people said. Don't know what they're on about, the fuckin' weirdos.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, October 12, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Schumacher (2021) - 6/10

I went to school with a lad called Michael Schumacher. No shit. I always wondered what would happen when the police stopped him in his car and asked for his name. Would love to see that scenario unfold. Anyway, the proper Michael Schumacher was obviously a superb racing car driver and a thrill seeker, which, sadly, led to his demise really. When you're jumping out of planes left, right and centre and literally skiing off-piste in life in general, there's a chance you'll come unstuck. It's crazy how he survived such a dangerous career as a racing car driver only to then suffer terrible injuries whilst skiing. It is incredibly sad though that this happened to someone so young who seemed such a good dad to his kids.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, October 7, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Free Guy (2011) - 5/10

This is a ridiculous film about a Non Playable AI Character coming to life in an online role-playing game and causing mayhem. It reminded me of Scott Pilgrim, so if you enjoyed that, you'll dig this. Obviously I despised Scott Pilgrim and this wasn't much better. I did get a few laughs out of it and I ejoyed seeing Jodie Comer in the first proper film I've seen her in, although I still can't figure out what's going on with her mouth. My wife, at least, enjoyed it, but that could be because Ryan Reynolds is in it.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, October 5, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Another Round (2020) - 6/10

Love a bevy, me. Let's be honest, who doesn't? Well these fellas try maintaining a low level of drunkeness at all times. What could go wrong? Well, it turns out quite a bit. It's a decent watch that goes a long way to glorifying drinking before, obviously, about facing. Although I did still come out of it looking forward to the next time I was getting on it. Proper trigger warning gear for alcoholics.

Posted by Mike on Friday, October 1, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Amy (2015) - 7/10

This is the story of how a troubled girl gets thrust into the limelight much too quickly, before she was anywhere near ready, and how she then fell in with the wrong crowd. The wrong crowd being her boyfriend and eventual husband Blake. He really is a piece of shit and I hope he gets the most severe form of arsehole cancer. He introduced her to drugs which, along with the years of abuse her body suffered from bulimia and alcohol abuse, ultimately killed her at just 27. And what a loss to the world it was because she was immensely talented. All in all, a very sad story.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, September 23, 2021 / imdb / amazon

The Broken Circle Breakdown (2012) - 6/10

You have to be very careful about who you have kids with. We all mostly know that before we do it but still many of us get it wrong. This film is all about that. It's about how people change as they grow up and about how the death of a child can change someone beyond measure, and how often it's the parents' relationship that is mostly tested. And sometimes, ultimately, it fails. It's a sad story but one that would usually be right up my alley. For some reason this one didn't hit the sweet spot for me and I can't exactly put my finger on why. If misery is your thing, you may want to give it a go; otherwise, maybe don't bother. The soundtrack is a belter though and is the best thing about the film.

Posted by Mike on Friday, September 17, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Stillwater (2021) - 6/10

Spent most of this film fairly distracted for the following two reasons. Firstly, the main actress looked a lot like someone and I couldn't decide who. It's either a local newsreader or my mate's wife. Decided it was a slightly-more-attactive-than-either mixture of the two. Secondly, Abigail Breslin - whom for years has been cast as the little kid in absolutely everything - has now grown up and is fairly good looking. This didn't sit well with me because I remember her mostly for being a child and now, all of a sudden, my dick has an opinion of her - and of her tits - which just seemed wrong. Still, it was entertaining enough. Matt Damon plays the emotionally useless dad role perfectly too.

Posted by Mike on Friday, August 13, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Winter Sleep (2014) - 4/10

This is a fucking long ass film. At one point I stopped it to see how long was left only to discover that - after one hour and 25 minutes - there was still one hour and 50 minutes to go! And there is so - and I mean SO(!) - much dialogue. That's normally right up my street but not when it's all in Turkish. Could I really sit through all that time with my eyes glued to the screen in case I missed something crucial in the constant chatting? I was enjoying the story to some degree but it was giving me a headache, so off it went.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, August 12, 2021 / imdb / amazon

Demolition (2015) - 5/10

This film started in disappointment - by not even showing the car crash - and continued on in that vein. I mean come on, Final Destination has been delivering quality death scenes for fucking years now; at least show us a good MDK. Jake Gyllenhaal is generally in good films but he's let himself down here. The idea of the film - a man suffering with the loss of the young wife in a car crash - sounded great to me but it didn't deliver.

Posted by Mike on Tuesday, August 10, 2021 / imdb / amazon

In a Better World (2010) - 8/10

This is about bullying and friendships and grief and despair and parenting and all the pressures of life, for teenagers and adults. It absolutely terrifies me because I've got two boys myself and it's scary how quickly they can drift from your circle of trust. One minute you're their hero and next thing they're telling their mates how much of a dickhead you are. Also, the main kid in this is the spit of Steven Gerrard; he even has that same serious frown on his face the entire time. It's pretty distracting how much they look alike actually.

Posted by Mike on Monday, August 9, 2021 / imdb / amazon

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