Nobody (2021) - 6/10
This is a 10/10 on the As If Scale but, despite - and, to be honest, probably because of - its ridiculousness, it's actually very entertaining. It has a bit of jokey element to it which I like. Similar films, like, say, John Wick, try to be all serious so they can leave themselves open to more criticism. When it's clear early on that we're all here for a bit of a laugh and a jolly good time, it makes the whole experience that bit easier to navigate. You'll most likely only ever watch it once but it's far from a wasted 90 minutes.
Dune (2021) - 9/10
I've only given three films a rating of 9/10 in the last 10 years. This is one of them. It is immense. I am already looking forward to seeing it again. After the first 15 minutes or so I was worried I was going to get lost in all the races and planets and history and terminology, but I didn't. The pacing is superb; it gets going immediately and never stops. The music is superb throughout and the visuals are just incredible. The only bad thing I can say about it is that we've got to wait two years for part two.
The Last Descent (2016) - 5/10
The real life story of this has fascinated me for a while so as soon as I heard there was a film about it I had to see it. However, it's just on too long. There's almost too much background about who John is. I know that's important but the rescue is the most interesting bit. The scene where he gets stuck is chilling though, knowing what comes next. That bit, at least, certainly gets the heard pumping. But if the series of events are true to what happened then he's a fucking idiot.
I've read most of Oliver Sacks' books and they're generally very good. However, even I found this a bit boring. He was a fascinating guy with a great insight into the mind and all that shit, but this isn't a great watch. What I'm trying to say is, don't bother with it, but, having said that, you wouldn't have bothered even if I'd given it a 9, would you? How do I know that? Because you're an uneducated, ignorant cunt with zero interest in the workings of the mind or Oliver Sacks' life. In fact, you know what, go fuck yourself.
The Last Duel (2021) - 6/10
Look, let's not fuck about here; Jodie Comer's skin is fucking flawless. She must have a Patrick Bateman like moisturising routine. I'm getting hard just thinking about it to be honest. As for the film, well, it's alright but it had the potential to be great. With Ridley Scott directing and a superb cast, it is a bit of a let down. I really like Adam Driver and Matt Damon but they both play kind of strange parts in this. And why Ben Affleck is even in it is baffling. Definitely right up there with the most Most Pointless A Lister role ever, for me. Jodie Comer and her perfect skin and slightly weird mouth is brilliant again and she probably steals the show. The way the story is told from multiple points of view was a bold approach but it ultimately failed and really just ends up being a bit weird.
The Guilty (2021) - 6/10
The Danish version of this is great. The rehashed version is alright but not a patch on the original. It got so slated that I nearly didn't bother watching it but it was my top suggestion on netflix and I was looking for some background noise whilst I bathed and dismembered all my barbie dolls, so on it went. I had to pause it at one point because it just felt too weird masturbating with the freshly washed hair of a decapitated barbie doll wrapped around my dick with Jake Gyllenhaal's pained expression staring back at me from the telly. I got it finished though once my dolls were put to bed and I didn't think it was at all as bad as people said. Don't know what they're on about, the fuckin' weirdos.
Schumacher (2021) - 6/10
I went to school with a lad called Michael Schumacher. No shit. I always wondered what would happen when the police stopped him in his car and asked for his name. Would love to see that scenario unfold. Anyway, the proper Michael Schumacher was obviously a superb racing car driver and a thrill seeker, which, sadly, led to his demise really. When you're jumping out of planes left, right and centre and literally skiing off-piste in life in general, there's a chance you'll come unstuck. It's crazy how he survived such a dangerous career as a racing car driver only to then suffer terrible injuries whilst skiing. It is incredibly sad though that this happened to someone so young who seemed such a good dad to his kids.
Free Guy (2011) - 5/10
This is a ridiculous film about a Non Playable AI Character coming to life in an online role-playing game and causing mayhem. It reminded me of Scott Pilgrim, so if you enjoyed that, you'll dig this. Obviously I despised Scott Pilgrim and this wasn't much better. I did get a few laughs out of it and I ejoyed seeing Jodie Comer in the first proper film I've seen her in, although I still can't figure out what's going on with her mouth. My wife, at least, enjoyed it, but that could be because Ryan Reynolds is in it.
Another Round (2020) - 6/10
Love a bevy, me. Let's be honest, who doesn't? Well these fellas try maintaining a low level of drunkeness at all times. What could go wrong? Well, it turns out quite a bit. It's a decent watch that goes a long way to glorifying drinking before, obviously, about facing. Although I did still come out of it looking forward to the next time I was getting on it. Proper trigger warning gear for alcoholics.
Amy (2015) - 7/10
This is the story of how a troubled girl gets thrust into the limelight much too quickly, before she was anywhere near ready, and how she then fell in with the wrong crowd. The wrong crowd being her boyfriend and eventual husband Blake. He really is a piece of shit and I hope he gets the most severe form of arsehole cancer. He introduced her to drugs which, along with the years of abuse her body suffered from bulimia and alcohol abuse, ultimately killed her at just 27. And what a loss to the world it was because she was immensely talented. All in all, a very sad story.