Funny film reviews written by you!

Poor Things (2023) - 2/10

I put this on and literally said to myself outloud, "Let's see how long I last." The answer was 11 minutes. It nearly went off at eight minutes but I thought that would be unfair. Once Emma Stone (who's real name is Emily, don't you know?) started talking, my patience quickly dwindled. If you're a certain type of person - you know... one of those - then you may well enjoy it. Or, at least, tell yourself you did, so you can come across all edgy and whatnot. But I'm not one of those people. I'm not sure why I even put it on but I'm willing to give most things a chance. At least now I can be comfortable in my ignorance, knowing I didn't just immediately dismiss it.

Posted by Mike on Thursday, March 21, 2024 / imdb / amazon

American Fiction (2023) - 6/10

I don't feel like I can even review this properly because it's about the black experience. Well, the experience of a black man fighting against black stereotypes. I've only ever blackfaced once as Mr T back when I was nine years old and I pray for the sake of the political career that I'll never, ever have that those photos don't surface. Although, how much responsibility can you put on a nine-year-old, really? Exactly, you prick. Anyway, I did laugh out loud at this a few times and, of course, Jeffrey Wright is superb. I wouldn't exactly recommend it to people, but it wasn't bad either.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, March 20, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Dune: Part Two (2024) - 7/10

I was so incredibly excited to see this film. Probably the most excited I've been about seeing any other film ever, because the first was just so good. I went on opening day because of fucking course I did, and so no-one had spoiled it in any way for me. However, it went some way to spoiling itself, I discovered. Don't get me wrong; it's a good film and visually it is stunning, but the pacing is all off. The first hour is too slow and the rest is too rushed. Too many assumptions are made, I feel, about what the audience knows. I haven't read the books, mate, I don't know why [ Redacted to avoid spoilers ] or why [ Redacted to avoid spoilers ]! Seems like most other people enjoyed it though, so maybe I'm the problem. Maybe my ex-wife was right. But maybe fuck her and, you know what, maybe fuck you too.

Posted by Mike on Friday, March 8, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche (2021) - 6/10

This is about an avalanche that happened in California in 1982, which is strange because - a fucking WHAT in California? They don't have snow in California, you say?! Well, I'm afraid they do. Cali isn't all just beaches, tanned bodies, drug mules and Snoop Dogg, you know. It's a big fucking place and Northern California gets cold as fuck. I've been to San Francisco in May and it was a bit chilly as I was sat atop a tour bus. Was sunny, mind. Anyway, Alpine Meadows is more north than San Fran, but - what the fuck am I on about? I'm not here to teach you a fucking geography lesson. It's worth a watch, partly because we all like to think we'd know exactly how to save ourselves during, say, a fucking avalanche. Well, I've got news for you, buddy, the avalanche don't give one tiny shit abour your plans, as you'll see here.

Posted by Mike on Monday, March 4, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Barbarian (2022) - 5/10

This is about a man with the largest tape measure in the world measuring the square footage of his house and being pleasantly surprised with his findings. It's good for quite a while and has you guessing what could happen next. Then, IT happens, and you're like, fuck! It then slows down and builds again, although, it does, by the end, get very silly, but these sort of films often do. I can see why some would love it. It's not for me but it's also not terrible. Worth a watch if you're a horror fan.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, February 28, 2024 / imdb / amazon

El número nueve (2019) - 6/10

I loved Gabriel Batistuta when I was growing up. Fiorentina were my Italian team because of him. He was just such a good striker - a complete number nine - and he could proper thundertwat the ball, which is very impressive when you're nine. Purple is still my favourite colour to this day, and him and Fiorentina are probably the main reason why. Him in that purple kit with them flowing locks and the headband. What a fucking fella. Well this film is about him. About him back then and about him now, and about how fucked his ankles are nowadays due to kicking the ball dead hard for years. It's interesting enough but maybe could have been done differently, and by differently, I mean better.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 31, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Beau Is Afraid (2023) - 6/10

I watched this about three moths ago and I'm still trying to come to terms with it enough to write a review. I have to say, I have genuine concerns for mental wellbeing of the person who wrote this and I sincerely hope their relationship with mother has improved. It is a proper journey of a film. At the start I was laughing out loud but as it goes on, it gets real dark. I think I'm going to watch it again. It's one of those that stays with you.

Posted by Mike on Wednesday, January 24, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Society of the Snow (2023) - 7/10

For starters, this is worth watching for the plane crash alone. And no, that's not a fucking spoiler, you arsehole. That's like saying talking about the ship sinking in Titanic is a spoiler. Anyway, the rest is very good, too. It portrays the mire they find themselves in so well that I actually felt cold watching it, whilst sat in my warm living room wrapped in a deluxe blanket. At one point, I felt so bad for them, I had to go and make myself a hot chocolate. When you know the story as well as most of us know this story, it's a tough job to make the film interesting enough, but it certainly does. I enjoyed it and the dubbing on Netflix was very good too.

Posted by Mike on Monday, January 22, 2024 / imdb / amazon

20 Feet From Stardom (2013) - 6/10

This is about backing singers and the importance they have played in some of the biggest songs in history, especially in the 70s. Many of these are incredibly talented and deserve as much fame and fortune as any artist you could name, but it just didn't work out that way for some. It's a reminder that sometimes talent and hard work alone just aren't enough.

Posted by Mike on Saturday, January 20, 2024 / imdb / amazon

Plane (2023) - 4/10

Your bog-standard Gerard Butler action film. I need not say any more.

Posted by Mike on Friday, January 19, 2024 / imdb / amazon

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