www.WHATAFILM.net

Nooooo! Noooooooooooo! I know Spain's economy etc has gone to shit but didnt realise that applied to its film industry. Brides wielding chainsaws in tunnels? Death by Food Processor? Oh come the fuck on. This is a lesson is how to destroy something promising.

Another shitty and ridiculous film about a possible 'real life' situation. Honestly go the ATM (cash machine, please we're English), enter your pin, read your statement, realise how skint you are and that lifes shit and you may aswell go and just end it all... And there you go, more fun than this shit.

Have you seen the car chase? Never mind shooting round fucking corners? Its awesome for the CGI etc but you do LOL at the stupid shit. Never watch with a physics nut. Steven Hawkings would sound like a V90 modem he'd be so enraged.

Its interesting that the kids of the Wall Street age are now all grown up and driving Maserati's blowing peoples retirements on none exisitent stock or fixing rates and shit. Champayne anyone? Greed is good eh, indeed.

This is the American remake of [REC], its no different, in fact its shot for shot almost, yes its all in English and I hoped for some better effects from Hollywood but to be honest dont bother with this, just watch [REC], if your that lazy and or stupid to be funny about subs get the dubbed version or infact if your that bad just watch this as you dont deserve the original.

So you have seen all the [REC]'s, you have seen Quarantine and this pops up, you would assume this was [REC]2 but the Hollywood version again? Well dont assume as it makes an ass of u and me, indeed this is nothing to do with the [REC] series, its just a second film loosely based on Quarantine. Eh? Yeah exactly how confusing! This time the zombie-infection-fun takes place on a Plane and in a Airport Terminal, is it any good? Its watchable and that is something in these straight to DVD days.

Wow, just wow, super sexy ladies in stocking and corsets kick arse and take names in some of the most epic CGI you have ever seen. Do not watch this on your shitty TV in your bedroom, don't watch it in anything less than 1080p, watch it with your mates on a fucking huge screen with some serious surround and fuck the shitty world we live in for a couple of hours. Its no story to remember really but when it looks and sounds this good, who fucking cares? And that my friends is why its getting a 9.

We weren't even sure this film exisited but thank the baby jesus and his ickle cotton socks it does, this is awesome. So you know Norway, land of the Fjords and the crazy accents (like german underwater, you knows it) well they have just a little bit of folklore on Trolls, yeah those under the bridge types not the ones your thinking of in that dodgy club at 3am. This is basically the bastard (troll) child of Blair Witch and Cloverfield, turn up the sound, dim lights and prepare to go OM fucking G!

I heard this was good, sat down to watch and saw its a M. Shite Shyamalan movie, I wont lie I instantly felt myself dimiss it. I hate this guy, he cant seem to do anything without it all being far to arty farty and thinking he's clever when really its just an overdone overused recanted parable. Anyway, rant over, I was surprised to find it quite enjoyable, its tense and well thought out, the whole whos the devil game will keep you amused, I doubt many get it right.

This is the story of Zachery, his father and his mother, told by his fathers friends. I wont give you anymore details, but you need to watch this. Though be prepared, this isnt some created story, this is real life and as I'm sure your aware real life is far more brutual and shocking than you ever expected.

The actual idea behind this is good, it really is, its just everything else that lets its down, crap acting : oh yeah, poor sets : you have no idea, looks like it was filmed by a 4 year old : indeed! There is a bit where he wakes in his bed ( obviously for a film about sleep) and I swear as he moves not just the bed but the entire set etc moves with him. It looks like someone got bored on a porn film and tried to film an actual movies in between DPing Sally and Britneys gangbang...

You remember Cloverfield? Yeah? Damn decent wasnt it, ok it was annoying to but overall it was decent. Well this looked like a Cloverfield clone, giant alien monsters fall to earth over Mexcio etc after a space probe goes wrong. America decides to build a huge fuck off wall around itself (cause that would stop huge aliens who travelled through time and space to be here... jesus....) and occasionally bomb the shit outta the 'Infected Zone'. Sounds promising but fails to deliver.

You could see where this was going from the get go, not that it detracts from the film, its ok at best, Jesse the fit gardener from Desperate Housewives is in it and does an outstanding job of looking like Ken from Barbie. Anyway its the usual, some sick fucker kills their kid, the law they feel fails them so how best to get some bloody revenge and on we go to the credits. I like a decent revenge film as we all do but this is lacking something.

Jesus christ, what is it with these fucking reality-survival-horror flicks, yes we know this shit can happen and that makes it all the more scary, supposedly. But and its a fucking huge but, it only works if you put yourself in the shoes of said person stuck in middle of woods / sea / desert etc. There is one issue with this, the people in these films are fucking idiots, they all deserve to die.....

I was recently on Jury Duty, doing my bit for society, what a fucking joke, over half the people there more than likely couldn't tell you the alphabet, the other lot are to pissed off with losing money and being locked in with the morons that they'll give any verdict just to get the fuck outta there. Qoutes from the week, "he's too young to have robbed someone","if hes 27 and not been arrested hes done well","hes to young to send down, my sons older". If only there really where more Harrys......

I hate moron comedy, I hate Ben Stiller and therefore I hate Zoolander. I dont give a shit if he cant turn left, the only place he should be turning is swiftly into the path of a large, runaway artic truck.

Tony Stark is my hero, he doesnt care what you think of him, he doesnt care about his position, he's Iron Man FFS. Now I'm sure most of you watch this for the story, the special effects etc. Me? No, I watch this for the porn. What porn I hear you shout, have I missed a end of credit scene? Have I not entered the correct Konami code? No, its the gadget porn, that phone, oh yesssss please! His whip-out-pop-up Iron Man suitcase? Oh suit you. And as for JARVIS, I'd swap my balls for it....

The Internet, its amazing, all the things you can learn, the virtual places you can go, the thrill of gaming and the possibility of fame should your video, blog, website etc be loved by the dear ever constant browsers, its magical. You can make friends, entertain the masses, meet your true love, oh the joys. You could also get your shit well and truely fucked with by some madder than toast crazy mutherfucker with a serious case of the head fucks. But its worth it, isn't it?

I expected the usual shit, indeed I stayed away from it for 2 years, but I'm a big boy, I can admit I was wrong, this is comic genius. "I can do a headstand motherfucker! yeah!", splendid!

Imagine a hidden cave, a sacred hidden cave, hidden from man for thousands of years, guarded by monks, monks that are only spoken about in whispers and myths. In this cave, its walls sparkling the deepest green with emeralds, its floor layered in cushions so soft its like clouds, grows the original Ganja plant, from where royal Shivas blood once touched the ground, this is the Green Zone, its the most beautiful place on earth and this film has got absolutely fuck all to do with it. Its shit.

When I was about 10 I would of given my soul to Satan himself to have a new Predator movie, Predators-hunting-selected-hard-bastards-from-earth-in-a-alien-game-reserve type movie, well I would of given not just my soul but the still beating heart from my chest. 20 years on and did it live up to the hype, in a word, no, but you all knew that already, nothing is ever as good as it was when your a kid, well actually that a lie, tits are better when you get older, yeah tits are defo better.... hmmmm.

Fuck, its overused now, its everywhere, fucking this and fucking that, I've heard grannys use it, small children, MTV hardly bother to bleep it anymore its all just so pas-fucking-sé. Ray Winston etc all seem to agree, we dont want none of this common as fuck swearing shit, no no no. So this is a call to arms brothers, throw away the old, common, overused fuck and embrace the new king, the new flagship, the new grail..... cunt. You know you love it.

Its ok, thats the best I can say, I was hoping for something more American Werewolf but got something more like Teenwolf. Hopkins etc are awesome but its just not all that good.

Another 'Virus' movies, starts on the road, more than likely ended on the road but I cant really remember, its got the guy who plays Capt Kirk in Star Trek, that could be its most redeeming feature. Weak.

Isnt it just awesome, I mean look at that title, class. 2 guys end up transporting into some sort of porno world, surrounded by fitties wearing little skirts, police in pvc etc and being chased by the only other male, the fearsome police detective Rod! Its silly, its stupid, but oh my is the eye candy nice. Best as background to a lads night in.

The kids demanded, I supplied, usually that means I'll wander off to do something else but being a Sunday and all decided to spend some time with the little darlings. Have to say its the usual setup, stuff for the kids and stuff for the adults, though helps that its not to silly. Toothless is cool, he reminds me of my dog, thats how I'm sure they do this though, no matter what the creature is, dragon, guinea pig, wolf, bear, fish, etc etc they all have a dogs personality, why? Cause dogs rock!

Hmmm, thats the best way to start this, its a hmmmm, idea isnt to bad, acting isnt so good, special effects though seem decent, its not been filmed for a fiver with some shitty setup but there is something abit hmmm about it all. Love the VR gear, I'm sure one day all games will be like this, it'll be beautiful, strapped into your full imersable 3d world, you and your chosen few, saving the world, killing the zombies, oh yes, oh yes indeed. Does it save the movie? errr, no, sorry.

Tommy Lee Jones doing what he does best, drawling his way through the dialogue with occasional eruptions of violence. Set in a post apocalyptic wasteland, what? you sure? Ok, sorry, set in Louisana after Katrina (you can see why I got confused), will he be able to solve the 40 year old murder and what does it have to do with the recent killing of a local girl? Sureal in parts though mainly quite boring.

So your sitting round bored, your new Xmas present, the nice HD (obviously) 100 frame/sec camera just doing nothing, seems a waste, I mean the kids and the dog just dont do it justice, you need to push the limits... hmm... I know! Lets use it to show high quality, slo mo footage of zombies getting ripped, smashed, bashed, torn, shot, crushed and generally destroyed! It'll be awesome, loads of gore, blood splaying across screens and shit, I'm a fucking genius! -- Damn enjoyable, great direction!

Ninjas, fucking everywhere, you cant see the little bastards but you know their about. You can feel there little beady eyes watching you. Trained over years to be the ultimate killers, silent, steathly and deadly. In this one of the highly trained pyjama wearing nutters decides to up and leave the order, massive disrespect as you can imagine, why does he leave? where does he go? Will he take revenge? The rumour is hes off to join the enemy, the arch enemy, the Pirates!!! :-).

I expected it to be shit, ones for the ladies, its going to be the same as all the others no doubt. Well there is a surprise, Gerard Butler plays a legend, a proper utter legend, he knows what a man wants and isnt afraid to say. If only more women understood that this is more or less how us blokes go, yes we're shallow, yes we're ignorant and the first thing we noticed about you wasnt your eyes or your smile or your winning personality, it was your tits, your arse, your legs, sad maybe but true!

Russian sniper Vassili Zaitsev (Jude Law) is one crack shot, Ze Germans are not happy, there're getting their arses handed to them by this guy. So what do you do, you send your best sniper after him, sniper vs sniper, kind of like Spy Vs Spy on the Amiga when you where kids, remember that shit, bombs in filing cabinets and stuff, quality fun. Anyway I digress, cat and mouse game ensues with people getting their shit blown away everywhere. Not bad at all but the range of accents is utter comedy.

Part Deux (see what I did there, did you, yeah, uber) of the supposedly 'Epic' story of Jacques Mesrine, the Public Enemy No 1 of France. For starters how much of this shit is real,not being French or being arsed to even read up on wikipedia about it I'll assume about half of it is real, the rest is bullshit.Runs through at speed, seems that they dont want you dwelling on all the bank robbing / shoot outs before you see the next bank robbing / shoot out etc as you may end up bored. Really.. duh.

How cool would it be to have a full size version of you to do all the stupid shit you know could get you killed? Base jump off the Empire State? Swim with sharks? Hug a tiger? Yeah sounds boss doesnt it, like proper boss. Well I only wish I had a Surrogate to have watched this shit for me, then I wouldnt of wasted 2 hours, I mean 2 hours thats enough time for a really good shit, would of been far more entertaining to boot.

We all know Terminator and T2 where utter classics, movies that defined a generation, both worth the weight of a T800 in gold. T3 on the other hand should of been hushed up by hollywood, like some half breed mutant of some starlet instead of being released to degrade the good name of the Terminator. This one on the other hand isnt to bad at all, back to the winning formula you could say. Bit obvious what was happening etc but the big fuck off terminators did make me go 'cccooooooollllll'.

So America has been training in secret a psychic army, soldiers to end all wars. This New Earth Army as there called, trained in many of the dark and weird arts, this is how its all explained to a reporter when he meets a guy just outside Iraq in what could be the story of the decade. It all starts well, theres some genuine LOL moments, though that could be the caliber of the cast doing stupid shit but either way its quite entertaining, though dont expect it to last, trails off as it goes on.

I get this confused with the other Clooney movie, Up in the Air, thats the only issue I have with George, he seems set to be stuck playing the sauve bastard in the stylish suit for ever, not that the ladies will complain I imagine. Anyways he play a 'fixer' for a law firm involves in a huge libel case, but everything seems to be falling apart, his job, the case, his brother, its all just going to shit, can he sort it while keeping his reputation and more importantly his suit clean?

Ok here goes, Elvis (Bruce Campbell) is alive and well and in a old peoples home, he got there as he was bored with the fame, swapped with the best Elvis impersonator who then promptly died before he could switch back, so the king is dead, long live the king etc. But this wouldnt be a Bruce Campbell movie without some nonsense, so when an ancient mummy comes to haunt the halls of the old folks home who will stop him? The King of course! Well with some help from JFK (dont ask). In a word? Shit.

Zone of the Dead / Apocolypse of the Dead, you know what to expect, its going to be shit actors with a shit story running round with guns blowing up shit zombies till the shitty end. And it doesnt fail to deliever at all, its proper shit, super shit infact but that is one of the reasons we all love shite like this. Highlight may be a few of the zombie deaths, but then again 5 year old school children could do a good gory death with all the tech and shit out there these days.

One of those 'you have to see it to believe it' documentaries. We all know 'Iron Mike' but do you know Mike Tyson, I would of said yes before I watched this, we have all seen the news, his fights, his new lovely face tattoo that your gran would love but after seeing this, I just dont know. At times its almost painful to watch cause of the raw emotion, seriously this guy could rip your face off or explode into tears depending on subject matter. Maybe that makes him even more scary?

I say old boy you heard about this trivial issue with the local wildlife? Wildlife, what the help get up to when not working? No no old boy, over in Africa, seems the new fangled rail lines are going up rather slower than expected, some issue with a few lions or something. Really? Lions you say, hmmm. Yes, man eaters apparently, eaten half the workforce, bloody poor show. Indeed, indeed, you would of thought the locals would be used to it really. Yes. Hmmm. Cognac? What a splendid idea...

Not sure about this one, heard good things but didnt seem to do it for me, I know its only part 1 and heard you have to watch them both before making your mind up. That would be all fine and well if I wanted to watch a french gangsta version of lord of the rings but oddly I dont. Though now I think about it french hobbit gangsta's has a certain je ne sais quoi" about it. I'll get my coat."

Another one of those 'must see' movies which once you actually see it your wondering why its a 'must see'. Its not shit, lets get that sorted, starts well but seems to sort of trail off from there. The flashbacks etc are well done, though confusing the first time it happens but it just didnt really grab me at all. I have to tell you I guessed the end about a third in, I know most people who have seen it got it to, its just a little to obvious really. I doubt I'll watch it again.

I've been really tired lately, we have a new puppy and I'm sure you know how that is, early mornings and late nights etc etc now the missus doesnt make it any easier either as shes one of these 'dead to the world' types when she sleeps. So the idea of some short movies seemed good, 40 mins of horror and off to bed, but this is just bizarre, ok I was tired and reading subtitles with difficultly but what a weird film. Its all very strange and messed up, lots of WTF and not much Ahhhh. Very odd.

Shock film from the nutters of the far east, part one of the Three Extremes, Mrs Lee is a ex TV star who knows that getting old means getting gone and she wants none of it. So what do you do when you need to be youthful and beautiful? You visit Aunt Mei and eat some dumplings.... You dont want to know whats in the dumplings, really, you dont, the crunch was more than enough.

Well here we go again, God's got all Old Testament on the earth again and instead of raining down the fire and the brimstone and the wrath he decides to send the 'Dogs of Heaven' to clean the earth of the virus that is us humans. Though as usual one of the Arch Angels decides hes going to stand up and fight, disobeniant bunch these Angels, you would of thought if God says to you 'No' you dont do that shit, but what do we mortals know. Anyway not to bad but not heaven sent either, hahaha, sorry.

Surely we have all seen this as kids, Hanks plays Turner a local boy turned cop in a small town, one of his regulars is the old guy who runs the junk yard, he is murdered and the only witness is his dog. Unfortunately for Turner his dog is a large slobbery Dogue de Bordeux whos main mission appears to be to eat everything he can get. One of them guys hates dog, guy gets dog, guy loves dog movies, hardly a classic but it will make you smile.

Guy round to fix the boiler for an old dear, she has a parrot & a bulldog, hes worried about the dog but she swears to him the dog is fine just dont say anything to the parrot. Guy thinks this is easy then & starts work, first day he gets shit, calling him ugly & useless, second day it continues, more shit, third day the bird starts to rip his wife, this is the end for the guy, turns to the bird & screams, "shut up u fucking stupid bird" the parrot replies "Max, get him". This joke > this film.

A 'Sci Fi' special made for TV movie. I saw a trailer for it and didnt realise it was one of them TV movies, trailer looked good, I 'acquired' it and promptly forgot I had it. Anyway found it in the movie library and decided to give it 30 mins with the missus (about her limit of wake time per movie) and was actually quite surprised. Not only did the missis stay awake till the end but it actually wasnt all that terrible, in fact I would even say it was decent.

Follow up to [REC]. Continues straight after if not in parallel to the original, this time its a medical officer and a SWAT team that are sent in to sort out the situation inside the apartment, or are they? Explains alot more of the story than the first film, though you will be shaking your head at some of the antics of the SWAT team, the dogs farts are more effective at clearing a room.

We all know Spartans are hard, you want proof, ok they used bathe new borns in wine and leave them outside till they were 'inspected' if found to be weak or deformed they were cast into the 'Apothetae' (read big fucking chasm). There entire life envolved around war and fighting so no 'weaklings' were allowed. No honour was greater than death in battle, more proof? Look up the definition of 'spartan', indeed. And finally I only need to say "John-117", yes him, hes a 'Spartan' says it all really..

Wow, the french have done it again, this is just well its just wow. I dont want to spoilt it for you lot, but i will warn you a strong stomach is a must and if you happen to have a pregnant missus then do not watch with her, in fact it may be best to never be seen by the fairer of the species. Graphic to the extreme, gory, nasty and all the things that should make you turn away in horror, utterly loved it.

The' werewolf movie. Made back in the day before all the CGI etc that has taken over movies, amazing effects, not only the werewolf but the slowly decaying face of his travelling buddy. Made all the better for the fact that it was a proper scary movie, none of this modern day slasher shit, this set a bar that few werewolf movies have ever come close to.

Arnie takes on an entire army on his own, none of this stealth crap either, hes no ninja, he just runs into a field with his belt fed MG31 and unloads and unloads and unloads, mega death follows till he ends up face to face with Bennet the knife wielding psycho , chainmail sporting, semi queer, bad guy. Needless to say its typical Arnie of the era, lots of guns, camo face paint and shirt off action. Its the 80's at its best! Bonus points go to the first to name his now famous daughter...

Jesus H Christ on a fucking stick with sugar coating this is fucking awful. Not even monica belucci can make this watchable, probably one of the worse films i have ever seen. I know where i would like to shove his fucking carrots. If i could give it a 0 i would.

Epic. Thats really the only way to describe this. Surely one of the great man films of all time. I dont care that its historically inaccurate, I dont care that there was never a Maximus, I couldnt give a shit that mainly the Romans where a bunch of utter cunts, sure they spoke Latin and invaded everyone but fuck me they know how to do a decent story :-) If your not off your seat cheering for Maximus at the end on the first watch though there is something seriously wrong with you.

This is just CGI porn, it really is, this is a 'fuck you ' to the rest of the CGI industry, if you watch it in HD its nigh on impossible to tell that the robots arnt real. Sure there some really bad bits thrown in for the kiddies or to try and hit a comedy note but ignore all that crap, concentrate on the spectatular effects and on just how fucking amazing Megan Fox is. If thats still not good enough for you then I'm afraid my friend your beyond help.

Ok here we go Round 2, I can see Mr Bay in pre production for this, "I want bigger robots, more explosions, better CGI, awesome sets, I want bigger, better, sexier, go, go, go!!!!" Well I can tell you he got his way, its all stepped up a level well apart from Megan Fox but is hard to improve upon perfection. Never going to win awards as a classic but watch it with the lads on a big tv with loads of volume and it does the job perfectly.

This is one of the original '8 Films 2 Die 4', a series of movies 'so shocking' 'so terrifying' that they could never 'be seen in public' etc etc etc. Well this is the very best of the bunch and I agree they should never be seen in public, they are to shocking and to terrifying but not for the reasons the studios wanted but because there so utterly shit, we watched all 8 and fuck me where they poor, this one gets props for a decent nasty looking evil thing but still poor, very poor.

Told by a veteran prison guard whos life is changed by what happened in one summer, the story of John Coffey , Mr Jingles and Old Sparky, a must see. What can be said about this that hasnt already, awesome story by King converted into a superb film, a very rare thing with his books, owes all that to being faithful (mostly) to the orginal story. Takes you through the whole range of emotions, from sympathy for Delacroix to hatred for that little twat Percy. A true Epic in a world of pretenders!

Heard good things about this one, not really my usual watch though. Certainly didnt laugh all that much through it to be honest, some funny bits I'll agree, Cruise is awesome as the balding billionaire he defo gets the most laughs. Though the 'you people' bit did make me smile. More than likely a movie you'll watch with the missus cause shes not sitting through Aliens or some other scifi epic that we love but they hate all over again.

Think I must of missed something on this one, yeah Javier Bardem is a evil nasty bastard who you really wouldnt want coming after you in anyway shape or form but for me it just didnt make all that wonderful a film. Sure critics around the world will disagree with me, one thing that was a big winner for this though, that silenced shotgun, hmmm, yes please.

The earth is fucked, a distant planet has been found that can support life, so load up the Ark and send it off to the brave new world. Great plan that as usual goes to shit, 2 of the 'crew' wake to find no one else around, the ship appears to be infested with some alien half breed, the reactor is going to go nuclear any second and to top it off there so deep in space that there likely to go apeshit. Heard this described as a modern day Aliens, its ticks all the boxes, a decent scifi horror.

Hitler was abit of a twat really wasnt he, I mean look at all the shit he caused, the people he killed, the countries he invaded and that tache, it screams twat. Well this film tries to prove that not all the Nazis / German really wanted a complete twat as there leader and not all of them thought the sun shined out of his arse. It actually turns out that quite a few people wanted him dead, just a damn shame they didnt succeed.

4 guys run a physics lab in a garage, you can see the plan, make something amazing and sell it on, the goal of nerds everywhere. When 2 of the 4 realise that they have created something very special its a quest to find out just exactly what it can or could be used for, cause as your told 'the easiest way to be explioted is to sell something you dont understand'. This is hard core geekness at its best, engaging though frustrating as the film style and the science is designed to confuse you.

Who would of though a film about a guy on an operating table would be so interesting. This is everyones worse nightmare, your in surgery, about to be sliced and diced, you should be blissfully unware but and its a huge but your not, your awake but cant move, cant speak, cant even blink but you feel everything.... nasty. Good story, a nice twist and Jessica Alba to drool over.

Well its obviously scarred somebody somewhere at sometime. Just not me. Poor.

Not to bad at all, Robert Downey Jr does a decent job of being the weird, clever but arrogant Sherlock. Jude Law even kicks ass as Watson but that may be were it all falls down. I cant seem to remember Sherlock Holmes being some super kung fu expert, i thought he had a serious opium addiction to, something Downey Jr would know all about (perfect casting haha). Still the general flow of the movie is decent, though you know by the end this will drag on for at least a trilogy.

I saw this many moons before I knew of the whole Firefly series and the fact that it holds a special place in SciFi nerds hearts. I thought it was a great film, amusing, good special effects etc and so worth watching in HD if you can find it still. After watching Firefly recently you can see why it worked so well, good quality geeky scifi fun, worth a watch even if you know nothing of Firefly, if you do then no doubt you have already seen this 15 times at least.

Right, I hate the cinema, I cant lie down on a super comfy leather couch, I cant pause when i need a piss, I cant smoke, cant drink tea, etc. So you can imagine my horror at the idea of over 3 hrs in one. So we decided to go the whole hog, gallery tickets, 40 quid and 3 hours later I have to say it was far better than i thought. The 3d is overated and will defo end up a passing fad, story is good though, obviously special effects rock but I couldnt help think that for 300mil i wanted more.

Based on the story of how Albert Fish kidnapped, killed and ate 10 year old Grace in the early 1900's in the good old USA. I know the story of Albert Fish, he's one very sick puppy, does this film show that, errr no, does this film fill in blanks about him, errr no. In fact it does very little to even attempt to show the horrors he commited or why he did. There the standard 'haunted boy' throughout and all that shite, a poor attempt of a story, not worth 90 mins of your time.

A strange one this, only on for about 70 mins and those 70 mins will have you glued to the screen. Follows 'Tony' a bit of a 'special' boy I think who lives in some proper shit area of London. Tony seems to keep to himself pretty much, no job, no friends, no family etc but that appears to be the way he likes it. Tony though does quite enjoy abit of killing, abit of death and possibily some necrophilia. One of those movies where your more sorry for the murderer than the victims. Superb film.

Another of those twin based horrors. Girl is born but boy dies and comes back to haunt them all etc etc. I've seen much worse put it that way, some nice touches for a modern day slasher / horror type, not completely stupid which most of these films are.

So bad arsed Bond returns, after the amazing Casino Royale I had such high hopes for this movie. Even the start leads you to believe its all going to be oh-so-very awesome, I mean an Aston flying past Lake Garda etc is just what we want to see. Though I just couldnt give it as good a rating as Casino Royale, dont know why but its just not as good. Explosions, fights, cars, etc all there but I dont know its just missing that crucial something....

Right let me set this up for you, Liam Neesons wife has an affair, he finds out, now at this point on reading the blurb I'm thinking hes going to go all 'Taken' and it will be uber. But thats not quite what happens. My major flaw is that its to obvious, I got it within about 20 mins, that makes me a clever bastard and unfortunatley means this movie will only get a 6. Watch it though, its decent, see when you 'get it'.

Gadgets, Gizmos and Guinea Pigs. You'll watch it with the kids (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it), you'll enjoy it cause its funny in that watching-a-guinea-pig-in-nightvision-goggles-scale-a-skyscraper kind of way. I didnt watch it in the full 3D effect as I'm not that sad but it looks decent in HD.

Another movie/documentary that will have you wondering why if its so obvious that we're all getting played like puppets, why arent we running around in V masks taking down governments and shit. The answer? I havent the foggiest but you know what I mean. Well presented for the layman and gives you just enough info to arouse your interest, type of film that has you running to wikipedia. Worthy of your time, yeah sure, though Google Video is about the only place I could find it.

The animated / manga movie of the story of what the fuck happened before Dead Space the game starts. I loved the game, creepy, dark, scary, quality. More or less all the things this isnt. I ended up reconfiguring my zoneminder setup while watching it, from a putty terminal, in Vi, indeed.

Another flick set in the 80's this time sort of revolving around a group of 'Doormen' or more accurately one of them. Following a beating in front of his kids our hero ends up falling in with some doormen who give him the skills and the confidence to look after himself blah, blah, blah. Kept me entertained while the missus was out getting pissed.

Brutal start, I was expecting instant retaliation, but to pull off the things he pulls off in this would take time, and time he takes before unleashing hell on just about anyone who helped or was involved in the clusterfuck of a court case. "You cant fight fate", that may be true but fuck me can you get seriously biblical if you have time, a brillant mind and one huge fuck off reason for revenge. If only someone would do this for real, that would wake up this shitty excuse for a system we have.

One of those movies / docs that you end up qouting facts & figures from for weeks after seeing it. Shows the shocking details that allowed the rise of the modern super power corporation. Did you know that trendy Nike t shirt your wearing now, cost what Ł20? well the poor forest dwelling, mud hut living, indigenous people of Amalak-ah-super-shit-tip-alabah will only recieve 3/100 of 1% of that retail price for making the shirt. Thats like 2 pence per hour. No plasma HDTV goodness for them lot...

George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a man who spends his life flying round the good old US of A firing people off. He lives his life from his travel case, enjoys the hotels and most importantly his quiet time in the air. All is well until his companys new plan grounds him. So we know the ladies will love this, I mean its George, in a suit, he even does the voiceover. Is it a good story? Yes. Does it drag abit? Yes. Will I watch it again? No, I doubt it. He's sexier in Dust till Dawn!

Had all the makings of a quality film, the cast list alone should tell you its going to be good. And it is, its very good but its also spoilt and therefore will never be great. This is about the only film I have seen where I knew and I mean instantly as it finished that I could of made it better, all it takes is a 3 minute cut and it would be perfect. But as usual its dumbed down for the masses, the stupid, idiot masses. Probably the same idiot masses that reading this now... ahh... errr... shit.

Bond is back!! And fuck me what a return! I liked the old Bonds, well the older Bonds (no, not Roger Moore you sick bastards) really the new ones from like the 90's on where shit but Daniel Craig is awesome, this is the bond we want! Jumping off buildings, kicking arse and taking names. Do yourself a favour and watch it in HD on a decent TV, it looks utterly glorious.

Vid-Doc thing on Timothy Treadwell and his quest to live with the Grizzlys. Yes u read that right, live with the Grizzlys. I've seen this movies described as "Heartrending", now I'm sure that when one of his beloved Grizzlys ripped him and his girlfriend apart, you know limb from limb style that his or her heart was indeed rended out of there natural place and more than likely eaten with a nice Cinanti but I wouldnt use that word. 'stupid' and 'idiotic' spring to mind. The're Grizzly bears FFS!

Promises, they're trouble usually, especially the ones to the missus, "Yeah babe I promise I'll tidy all the shed and the garage tomorrow.", "of course, I promise I'll not get drunk..." you know the score, well I 'promised' a girly film on the big screen for the missus, I was dreading it, had the laptop ready and even the tablet charged, i mean a film about 2 sisters sorting out there lives through a new 'Crime Scene Cleaning' company, oh my god shoot me now. But its actually quite good...

For starters this wasnt what I set out to watch, long story but we decided to stick with it even when the dreaded word "Based on Stage Play" appeared on the screen. I know what your thinking, 4 characters and 2 sets, your about right, Michael Caine is the older, richer wronged husband, Jude Law is the sauve, witty wife stealer. Its all about one-up-manship and proving who is more worthy, the lines are good, the story decent and its oh so very very British my good man, indeed.

i watched this with my brother back in the day, I said its a vampire movie, we'll watch that, so we settle down expecting vampires. About 45 minutes later when there is still no vampires we're both giving each other the WTF look? vampires? this is a road movie or some such shit, hmmm we'll give it 5 minutes more, queue the Titty Twister, the cheech pussy speech, Salma Hayek looking oh-my-jesus-christ fine and then finally vampires, shit loads of em, its just gets better and better.

I know, I know, what the fuck, I mean seriously, what the fuck, why would I watch this shit, why was this shit made, why, why, why. Well why is a crooked letter and i just havent got a fucking clue why either.

Bring a whole new meaning to FML. A movie about The Butcher, one of Noe's staple characters (in his short films + the old guy in the flat at the start of Irreversible). In a nut shell the butcher is fresh out of jail, his life is a mess, he tries to rebuild with his mistress but cant deal with it all and returns to Paris where it all goes downhill very very quickly. Typically french in its brutallity, dark though thought provoking. Another one probably best watched alone.

Hmmm, a docu-film seemingly about a camera crew following a serial killer as he goes about his usual business of killing people and being all together more than just a little fucked up. The biggest twist for me was finding out it wasnt another freaky-French-gorefeast, oh no, they may speak French but its actually from Belgium. Proof maybe that its not the French that are fucked up but the french speakers! We all know now.....

Possibly one of my favourite films of all time, I went to see this on the big screen on opening night, place was rammed, people everywhere. So it gets to the end, you know the bit, where he's walking along, I think 'this is it, I sneak out now, be ready at the back for the credits' I got about 10 yards when I realised I was about to miss the whole point, I sat back down, saw the twist, jaw hit the floor and the rest is history. Outstanding.

You got to hand it to Tarantino, he may be a little odd, well maybe alot odd but the guy can make a movie. Typically brillant in the way it draws in the audience, it may be 150 mins but its not long, as only a good story can do it makes the time fly by. Almost silly but so worth watching.

Your 8, your off sick from school, maybe chickenpox, maybe a cold, maybe nowt wrong with u, you've had your chicken soup and are now on the couch with the 'sick blanket', theres only one choice for a movie, Clash of the Titans! Errrr hang on a minute, I'm 8 now, I'm a big boy, I want fighting, I want the underdog to win, I want epic-fucking-montages, I want Rocky 4!!!! If Rocky can win over the Russians then he can win over you! Being 8 is great!

Best car chase / shoot out ever. Its got De Niro and Pacino in to and more importantly an Audi S8 as a getaway car, I mean what more could you want?

I remember going to school the next day and you could just tell those that had been allowed to watch it, the bags under there eyes gave it away, thats what happens when you stay up all night hiding in soul-crushing-mind-numbing terror that "Pipes" will get you. Done years before Blair Witch etc and broadcast "live" to an unsuspecting public, you know who I blame? Michael Parkinson, I mean if he's in it then surely its real, its Parky like, hes trustworthy.... the bastard!

Superb casting, superb location, superb story, superb score, superb direction. Superb, end of.

The best of the Batmans, take that as you will as their not exactly awe inspiring I know. I agree with the rest of the world and their dogs that yes Heath Ledger is outstanding and I also agree that the Batvoice is fucking awfull. Whether 5 or 50 you will more than likely enjoy.

At its release I can only imagine the uproar it must of caused. Went on to become the standard for which all other horrors are judged.

Book is excellent, parts of a set of excellent short stories actually, film isnt the best, even John Cusack as lead couldn't save it. Another missed opportunity here.

Not bad at all, a worthy film amongst its peers. Funny and witty, considering its subject matter and the fact its been done about 3 trillon times now it still manages to make you laugh.

Ok lets just get something straight, I'm no Trekkie (not even the Wrath of Khan, no), absol-fuckin-utely not, I'm a Star Wars fan, I may even accept the term Star Wars geek (we are talking original triology here not that new shite) but and it pains me to say this, this is a quality movie, I wanted it to be all the things the others where, namely camp, shit and hammy but it wasnt, it rocked and it rocked hard, loved every single cgi-filled second!!

"Thats not a knife, this is a knife!" Probably responsibile for all the knife crime and need to carry a blade that had infected allmost all of our once glorious nation. Everyone wants the chance to use the line from Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan has a lot to answer for :-).

Its been done before, it will no doubt be done again and more importantly it has / will be done better. Very average, the only thing that could set it apart is the way the children are dispatched, nowt new really but its rare u see any violence against the smaller of the human race.

Angelina Jolie goes for the official record of how many times you can repeat something in a film and get away with it. Surprisingly good film though, considering its 2 and a half hours you hardly notice the time. Defo worthwhile.

It should of been oh so good, the coming together of two of the giants of the Sci-fi world, an epic battle to the death, with the winner being crowned as top dog of the universe. But, and you just knew there was a "but", its pretty shit, awful story, shite acting and scripts etc and even worse theres not actually that much 'Alien' or 'Predator' in it. Poor, stick to the orginals.

Hardly anyone knows about this movie, dunno why, its not some artys-fartys type, its not in a foreign langauge and its a utterly superb film. Well worth 2 hours of your time, a modern day attempt of Wall Street thats very well executed.

Take a large bowl, throw in one kick arse-all action bad boy, infect with the 'Chinese Shit', sprinkle in a shit load of gangsters and hitmen, then whisk till frothy add a large metal spoon and microwave, the resulting explosive mess will be something like this movie. Excellent!

More a thriller than a horror, not to well know but has all the makings of a damn fine story. If demons and all that jazz exisit then this film shows how i imagine the sneaky bastards get around and do there evil, nasty shit. The whole 'Time is on my side' thing is very well done, well chosen on many levels.

Michael Douglas has a very very bad day. Though if your going to snap then this is the way to do it, none of this breaking down like a little girl, wailing and crying shit, man the fuck up and do a Douglas.

Hostage / Kidnap drama about 2 young American girls taken while touring Europe. So far so standard I imagine your thinking, well the twist in this is the father of one of the girls (Liam Neeson) is on the phone at the time of the kidnap and just so happens that in his former life he was Solid Snake, yeah the doublehard bastard, uber ninja-commando-warrior turned father. He brings the pain needless to say.

I can only hope one day (it will take much dedication and hard work) to reach the heights of misery, pain, anger, hatred, disgust and use of one liners that Clint portrays in this movie. A quality piece of film making, oh and his car rocks.

"I wanted to meet stimulating and interesting people of an ancient culture, and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill." Follows a soldier from the joys of boot camp to the front line, from the bullshit to the true horrors of war. Show stealing performance from the Drill Sgt though, worth watching if just to listen to his wonderful abuse.

Very strange movie with a giant rabbit and weird lead actor, not to say it isnt good but it will take 2 to 3 watches to truely appricate what has gone on.

Worryingly I expect this is a rather accurate take on UK government and how they can only seem to fuck everything up. Malcolm" is a legend and without him it wouldnt be worth watching."

Considering the stars in this and the general idea you should be getting ready for a wild ride, shame then that its more like the log flume at DisneyWorld.

Apparently there is a point where when tortured and dying for something you believe that you "see" the other side, what you "see" I dont know, Gods face? Heaven? Hell? its a mystery and you know what I'm fine with that. Not these nutters in this, oh no sir, they go beyond. Brutal to the extreme but still a very worthwhile film. I am really starting to wonder if there is something in the French water.

I spent a good portion of my life as a child with my face covered in mud, so did we all I hear you say, well actually you would be wrong, I'm talking thick-applied-with-2-fingers style mud and for that I have this film to thank. All other movies with the Predator pale into insignificance compared to this, the original.

Universally the police are rubbish, everyone everywhere complains, either there lazy or arrogant, corrupt or power crazed but when you watch this you'll be thankful that there only as bad as they are and not like Harvey Keitel in this. Cause then we would all be fucked.

The excesses of Rome on the big screen, you got to give them that they where one bunch of fucking crazy perverted bastards. No wonder it all went to shit.

One of the classic "banned" films, used to be rarer than porn when you where 12 ( and this is before the internet and dvds, VHS anyone?). Hardly shocking or graphis nowadays but it obviously pissed someone off somewhere to get its ban.

Sly Stallone in cool aviator shades, with some fancy guns and a retro cool car. All very blah blah blah these days but when your about 7 this was the dogs danglies.

Italian film set during WWII, seems to be about a bunch of high powered 'gentlemen' and there obsession with all things "derrière" . I've watched some hardcore shit in my time but this movie manages to leave you unsure wether you have just watched child porn or a snuff movie, either of which is enough to make me suggest that any normal human should steer well clear. VERY WRONG.

Rolling Stones, Drugs, Girls, Loud Rock Music and filmed in glorious black and white (mostly), what more do you need to know. Filmed during their 1972 American tour. I'm not a Rolling Stones fan but this is a proper behind the scenes documentary, I imagine the closest thing most will get to being a 'Roadie'.

There are 3 words you need to know about this movie, they will sum it all up for you beautifully. Are you ready? Ok here we go, the 3 words are..... Lars von Trier.

We've all done it, got in from the pub after a few Stellas with the lads, made myself a cheese toastie, a large joint and put the TV on, flicking through I found this and left it on. In my half awake state I thought this was fantastic, creepy and spooky, some of the noise effects etc do make you jump especially if you think this was made when Jesus was a lad. Worth a watch.

It shouldnt be funny, I mean I've read the book (its quite disturbing) and I know its not something that should amuse me but I have to say I can cry with laughter at this movie, Bateman (Bale) is legendary, his 'Sri Lanka speech' and 'the business card scene' are just outstanding.

If your A) Male and B) Born between about 1975 and 1985 then Aliens is probably your favourite film, though I doubt you'll admit that, the dialogue is limited, its dark, its hardly a feel good film and more importantly the missus/girlfriend/wife utterly hates its. But it has Colonial Space Marines with fucking huge guns arriving on some shit-tip of a planet full of hard-as-fuck double jawed, acid for mother-fucking-blood Aliens. You can see how this will play out, its awesome.

An outstanding movie showing all the things you dont want to happen to you or anyone you know on a night out. Shown in reverse (which doesnt make it any easier) with weird and purposely freaky camera work. Not to mention the low bass noise that is used to 'upset' the audience through the film. A great movie but beware, the one shot subway scene is brutal, unwatchable and will have you questioning why you didnt just turn it off.

Another movie that will have your head spinning, funny in parts but nothing makes up for the overall sense of despair. Without doubt the director enjoyed his drugs at some point, a true rollercoaster ride. Painfull to watch in parts, mainly to do with the downfall of the mother but illistrates the damage drugs can cause.

Typical Sam Rami, parts of utter comedy mixed with honest jumps and scares. Prolly one of the best movies I've seen of 2009, the motto of the film, though surely we all know this Dont piss off Gypsies.""

This is the orginal Spanish version of 2008 'Quarantine', much better than the remake. Filmed on a Sony HandyCAM, great story and quickly leads to a frantic finale. I have to say if you can get the english dub its helps, as the subs only explain so much. A TV anchor is filming a night with the fireman when called to an incident at an apartment block. Inside they find that theres some sort of infection and they have been sealed in the building by Hazmat teams, but what else is inside with them...

Your 5, your off sick from school, maybe chickenpox, maybe a cold, maybe nowt wrong with u, you've had your chicken soup and are now on the couch with the 'sick blanket', theres only one choice for a movie, Clash of the Titans! I must of watched this hundreds of times, sure the stop motion looks awful, quite hammy acting but its about Perseus getting all the cheat codes (blessed armour, sword of uberness) from the Gods and going all apeshit on a horde of mythical beings. Being 5 is great!!

In a nut shell, it's the film of the gumball rally. Lots of fast cars driven (by very odd characters) across the states in a winner takes all race. Think this was the first time i ever saw a Lambo, if I were a proper reviewer I would prolly call this 'Slapstick comedy' but I'm not so lets stick with 'utterly-silly-but-fun'.

Before Facebook and Twitter and all the other crap thats out there from say year 2000 onwards if you wanted to get online you had better be geeky. In the early 80's using a computer was about as easy as dividing by zero. But not for our super hacker David, hes a teen on a mission and the mission may lead to the end of the world. FTW!!

Superb film, short, snappy and quick to throw you in at the deep end. My advice is turn it up loud, theres a bit where you'll be thankfull you did. Extra bonus points can be obtained for guessing the mystery voice!

Kate Beckinsale in leather and corsets for 2 hours, let me just say that again incase there are any males that missed it, Kate Beckinsale in leather and corsets, this way gentlemen.....

Part two of an Epic Russian triology. See Night Watch / Nochnoi Dozor (2004)" for details."

Part one of an Epic Russian triology. Sort of guardian angel types make up the Day Watch, they the Light battle the forces of Darkness etc etc etc, you know that age old grudge shit. Very visual, if u cant sepak Russian try and get the dubbed version, subs leave a lot to be desired, bit mind boggling but it has people turning into Tigers and shit, very cool man, very cool.

I was disappointed, I've had scarier shits. But then again the trailer once again showed all the best bits, if u aint seen the trailer get it watched, may actually be decent then.

Fookin sneaky prawn! Bizarre film that arrived to much fanfare and hype, personally i thought it was awful, rubbish effects, rubbish story and the lead guy has a face u just want to punch. I've been told thats the point etc but him and his bizarre South African accent is to much for me. Though 'fookin prawn' will live on as a classic beyond our generations.

I so want a Mogwai, I mean really, could u imagine ur own very special very cute Gizmo. I would so have him sing me to sleep or sing to wake me up, i'd teach hiim how to make me tea, ride the dog, we could even play xbox together. But there not real and that my friends is so unfair.

A stoners movie from the go, stoned guy accidentally kills a police horse with sugar (diabetic horse) bail is set at 1 Millon dollars, his home boys want to right the injustice, they form a plan, selling green there stealing from a lab, some crazy gangsters, flying dogs and general mayham later will they get their bud brother out? or will the munchies kick in....

All star cast of celebrity stoners in this story of some outdoor California growers whose boss is killed just before the harvest. They do the only logical thing they can, cut and sell the harvest, but being the amateurs they are ( and being constantly high on there own supply) things dont do well. Hightlight is the man Jon Bon Jovi as a super cool dealer.

Tom Cruises first movie I think, and boy does it show, seriously check it out if you havent seen, we all know Tom, smooth, suave, polished when not acting utterly bat shit crazy. But in this he must be all of 12 with crooked teeth and all, Tim Curry is outstanding as The Darkness, the man plays the evil monster so well!

You still need a review after seeing that title, what the hell is wrong with you! I mean this is it, the battle of the apex predators, fuck Tyson vs Ali, bollocks to Godzilla vs King Kong, this is where its at. Sign me the fuck up. Oh and Debbie Gibsons in it, yeah that Debbie Gibson, random eh?

Its a Pixar movie, you either will watch it or you wont. Few things divide the population of the world as animated movies, well maybe marmite, yeah actually, marmite will probably cause World War III.

Stephen Kings version of the twisted, evil killer clown. Says its all really, Kings not known to be shy now in his writing is he? No, exactly and this is his version of a evil, twisted killer clown, think about that for abit, yeah, got it? Good. Least the film leaves out the books ending......

Its all here folks, the 7 deadly sins, murder, mystery, Morgan Freeman for the interlectuals, Brad Pitt for the ladies, Gwyneth Paltrow for the boys and Kevin Spacey for the sitting-around-reading-Guns-and Ammo"-masturbating-in-your-own-feces type."

A great story, wonderfully converted from the book and there in lies its secret, its almost faithfull to the orginal Stephen King story. Cause thats where all these book to movies fall down, the story is always good, its just the movies that are crap.

Yet another film that owes me a couple of hours of my life. Utter trash.

4 words, "Running Man for 2009" scary thing is, running man is much much better.

Voilŕ! In view, a valorous visitation which stands vivified against virulent vermin, visually vivid and very very fuckin good!!

If you liked Lock Stock, then you will love this, even better and now with extra unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.

Inspired and disgusted a whole generation, raw but funny, wrong but right, everyone should see this at least once.

By the end of this movie I was convinced John Rambo could easily beat the living shit out of Chuck Norris, and we all know how uber fucking diamond hard Mr Norris is. The .50 cal gun scene sets a new standard in war movies.