Den of Thieves: Pantera (2025) - 4/10
The first Den of Thieves was great because it was a bunch of hard men robbing banks under immense tension then shooting their way out of the trouble they'd got themselves into. That's the sort of action film we all want to see. This sequel is just stupid and loud. Gerard Butler stumbles around confused most of the time looking like he's dealing with concussion whilst playing a game of chicken with heart disease. The plot is a fucking joke and the baddy is so criminally Disney-evil that I half expected him to break into song and dance at one point. This is not a film for serious people.
Kenny Dalglish (2025) - 8/10
It's impossible not to adore Kenny Dalglish. He is one of life's good guys and, for me, as a Liverpool fan, he is so much more. The club's greatest ever legend and, as far as I'm concerned, the greatest living Scouser, despite having been born in Glasgow. This film goes some way to showing why he is so loved by so many, Liverpool fans, football fans, and human beings in general. What a guy. Absolutely worth watching, despite your football allegiances.
Ballad of a Small Player (2025) - 4/10
There's something inexplicably watchable about Colin Farrel. I've always thought that, despite him now having been in some dreadful films. Of late, he's been generally playing the worn out, middle-aged drunk, which is a big change from his early days of him playing the hunk. And it's more of the same here, although it's not even that entertaining. I'd say it's like the worst hangover you've ever had becoming sentient and booking a trip to Macau, but that makes it sound too appealing. It felt to me like a bunch of independent short stories based around the same character using the same actor, but with the only thing to connect them being the beautiful cinematography. There is a sniff of a storyline but it's all over the place and indulges some massive leaps of faith over some monumental crevasses, meaning generally it comes across as an awful whiff. Avoid.
One Battle After Another (2025) - 5/10
War has never before been so horny. Immediately at the start of this, you're wondering, "What's going on here exactly?" and "Why does that man have an erection?" I see what they were trying to do, but really? I mean, I've never used a firearm in the bedroom but, you know? The film follows the same pattern as most of my Tinder dates; it starts off with sexual tension and threats, continues on with confusion and tears and then ends with someone passed out having unspeakable things done to them by people in masks. It's a single dad raising his daughter by himself using obsolete Bond gadgets whilst artillery is dropped all around him. It's Paul Thomas Anderson's attempt at Pulp Fiction or The Departed and despite using a bazooka, he misses the target. There's not enough time invested making you care about the characters and too many questions left unanswered. Christmas Adventurers?! Say what now? You may like it, but I left disappointed.
Reputation (2024) - 4/10
You know what winds me the fuck up? How often I see some North Face wearing, low-level drug-dealing scallies walking around town with an absolutely stunning girlfriend. These gobshites have no ambition, no charm, no emotional availability and no job. Yet their birds are fit as fuck!? Make it make sense. Anyway, this is the sort of film a 13 year-old lad would watch and think is great. It'll probably inspire them to become a drug dealer when really it should be doing the exact opposite. I've been there myself; I loved Scarface as a kid, but at least that's a good film. This, on the other hand, is a load of rehashed, seen-it-all-before shite. They didn't even make the main character likeable. Jib.
The Long Walk (2025) - 6/10
This film combines two of my favourite things, a nice walk in the countryside - fresh air, birdsong, maybe a pub or two - and point blank executions using a carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon. Walking, they say, is the safest form of exercise. Not when you're walking side-by-side with the Grim Reaper it isn't. This is a bit like the hunger games for lazy people, where you're being handed fresh water one minute then wiping your new pal's brains off your face the next. It'll certainly leave you questioning your footwear each morning as you pull them onto your feet. Will these things really take me 300 miles if required? I loved the book so it was always going to be tough for the film to meet my expectations, but it was alright. I have no hate for it but it also didn't blow me away. Definitely worth a watch though.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) - 8/10
When I was born, apparently I had a red birth mark on the end of one of my index fingers, so the nurses at the hospital said I looked like E.T. I was told this numerous times as a kid and it did wonders for my self-confidence, as you can imagine. Why wouldn't you want to look like a short wrinkly space raisin with a massive head? It really is no surprise his best friend kept him locked in a cupboard, is it? This is an absolute classic though, and if you think otherwise, you're wrong. It did introduce me, from an early age, to the idea that the government are bastards. And, to be fair, this is something that has both helped me a great deal in my life and, sadly, it is now more truer than ever.
Weapons (2025) - 4/10
This had all the required hype, excellent imdb ratings and Josh Brolin, which meant I went into it with high hopes. Sadly, it was very disappointing; almost as disappointing as your mum telling you that your creepy aunt is coming to stay for the weekend, which is basically what starts all the problems in this. There is very little logic, loads of loose ends and plenty we've all seen before multiple times. Sadly, it turns out that Josh Brolin can be in shit films. The only thing it truly nailed is the idea that family are, indeed, the real curse.
The Promised Land (2023) - 7/10
Did you enjoy the bit of The Martian where Matt Damon is trying to grow potatoes on another planet? Yeah? Well then you'll enjoy this. Somehow, despite being on Earth, Mads Mikkelsen finds an environment less forgiving than Mars. He has to contend with barren soil, soul-crushing weather, frost, AWOL workers, theivery and the biggest prick of a spoilt land owner you've ever seen. I haven't hated anyone this much since Joffrey Baratheon. Can't a man just be left to grow some potatoes in peace? It's like Pride and Predjudice meets There Will Be Blood and will leave you thinking, "Fuck the potatoes. Eat the rich!" Mads Mikkelsen’s simmering glare deserves special mention too. If looks could kill, indeed.
Hustle (2022) - 6/10
This is the heartwarming story of Adam Sandler proving he can fall out bed, throw on a hoody and still earn millions of pounds for reading some lines. He doesn't even need a golf club or a stupid accent in this one. As you may have guessed, he's not my favourite actor, but he doesn't act like some mentally-challenged teenager in this, at least. The gist is he's a basketball scout who comes across some giant street baller in Spain and decides he can train him to reach the NBA. That's basically all you need to know. I know nothing of basketball and despise Adam Sandler, yet I didn't hate it. The sort of film you do the ironing to, or browse Vinted to, or whatever else mundane shit you do with your evenings.