Civil War (2024) - 6/10
This version of America, with no government, with cities on fire being looted whilst tanks roll through shopping malls is one I can see in the very near future. And I don't mean soon as in next year; I mean this afternoon. And almost certainly by Friday. They should have just cast Trump as the President. He'd have jumped at the chance, too, the egotistical cunt. It's basically a bunch of sad war reporters taking pictures of people being blown up in attempt to distract themselves from the bad choices they made earlier in life which resulted in them becoming journalists. The action scenes are great though. It's a bit like playing a immersive game of Call of Duty: Photography Edition with a cast of Kirsten Dunst, an Aldi version of Pedro Paschal and the peado's dream of Cailee Spaeny, a grown woman who looks about 12. It will probably leave you wondering when exactly does speculative fiction become prophecy?
No Country For Old Men (2007) - 6/10
This film is basically one big build up to what promises to be one of the the greatest, most epic, testosterone-fueled, come-and-have-a-go-if-you-think-you're-hard-enough cock-offs between (not so) good and (very very) evil in cinema history, and then right at the moment of climax - as you sit there, with your dick in your hand - it's over having never actually happened. What promised to be the most brutal, sweatiest, knife-and-bullet-drenched battle in history is over in the switch from one scene to the next. It's like having your girl spending all month telling you you're getting the greatest blowjob of your life for your birthday, promising that you can abuse her mouth in every way imaginable and then finish wherever you want, then, when the day arrives, saying, "But wouldn't it be more interesting if I just didn't suck your dick?" If you could dress a tornado in a giant's clothes, give it the worst haircut in the world and unleash it on West Texas, that's the character that Javier Bardem plays superbly in this. And the fact that the face-off with Brolin's character is coming at the end makes the first 90 minutes so suspenseful... And which is why the end is such a disappointment.
A Complete Unknown (2024) - 5/10
My main take away from having watched this film is thus; how the fuck is Timothée Chalamet shagging Kylie Jenner? She's gone from rappers and NBA players to this? Really? Chalamet is short, wiry and as white as can be; he's the complete opposite to her previous boyfriends. But I guess women do that sometimes. Maybe when they inevitably split she should try a different angle? How about a middle-aged, bald, bearded English fella with a dad bod? I happen to be available if she's keen? To be fair to him, Chalamet plays the part of Bob Dylan really well. It's no surpise though, given that both look like little, nerdy, moody goblins that have never played a sport in their lives. Chalamet nails the staring, the mumbling, the singing and the harmonica playing. Plus, if you created a physique in the lab with the sole purpose of wearing skinny jeans, it'd be Chalamet's, so he smashes that too. Good on him though; Kylie Jenner is fit. And he's obviously got her Blowin' in the Wind, out of the wind and everywhere in between. I'd do the same.
Titan: The OceanGate Disaster (2025) - 5/10
If you thought the Titanic was the biggest thing ever to go down in the Atlantic, you clearly haven’t met Stockton Rush’s ego; a force so massive, no iceberg - nor no regulation - could deter it. This is a man that stared down the combined knowledge of marine engineers and safety regulators - not to mention the laws of fucking physics - and said, “No thanks, I’ve got a Xbox controller and a dream.” It's a cautionary tale narrated by hubris itself, dressed in a Patagonia fleece and armed with a PowerPoint presentation on "Why Regulation is for Cowards". He dismisses safety standards like a teenager refusing to wear a seatbelt because it kills the vibe. It's like watching Elon Musk trying to get to Mars by attaching rockets to an air fryer, using YouTube tutorials and whatever he can find in your dad's shed. The only thing he's pioneered are new methods of idiocy and catastrophic failure. What a fucking whopper.
28 Days Later (2002) - 4/10
This kicks off with Cillian Murphy waking up alone in bed, confused, dehydrated, surrounded by mess and wondering, "Where am I?", "What the hell happened?" and, most importantly, "Where the fuck are my clothes?" So in that sense, it's the most relatable opening to a movie ever. We've all been there. We know that feeling. The real horror of the moment isn't that there might be rage-infected sprinting maniacs wanting to eat your face, it's that you can't find your phone. If you're lucky, it's nearby - on the floor perhaps - without charge. If you're not, it isn't. Unfortunately, this film has aged terribly. Watching it nowadays feels like trying to stream a zombie apocalypse through a potato. It may have been considered a low-budget masterpiece in 2002 but in 2025 it looks like it was filmed on a Nokia N90 whilst it resided in a smudged full-of-beer pint glass. Much of it is so blurry that you'll start wondering, do I need to reboot my router? Or am I just having a stroke? By the end, my retinas and my visual cortex were plotting, together, a formal complaint. Stick with the sequel; it's much better.
Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning (2025) - 4/10
Let's be straight from the off; this film is too long. And even so, the first hour is rushed. They probably should have made it two films. But I hate when they do that, so maybe not. The first half is an editing disasterclass as they switch from scene to scene to scene at alarming speed. I'm pretty sure I spent the second half of the film recovering from the whiplash I'd received during the first half. Maybe if I'd eaten an entire bowl of some of that extra-strong highly caffeinated coffee that comes in bags and gets advertised on those Bro Podcasts beforehand, I've have kept up, but I doubt it. It slows marginally in the second half but then it just keeps going. And going. It’s exactly what you expect a Mission Impossible film to be, but longer. Cruise does his trademark run, of course, but why run for two minutes when you can run for ten? At one point he tries to chase down a plane for Christ's sake. With a bad guy that looks like César Millán’s demented twin brother and an entire squadron of gravely-voiced military guys who simply have to wear shirt and tie to hold their vocal cords in place, it certainly hits many of the action movie tropes. But I left feeling less like I'd experienced an action movie and instead that I'd completed some extreme endurance test. They do fit in a decent Hayley Atwell down-blouse, though, so, there's that.
Heretic (2024) - 6/10
This film is further proof - following on from The Gentlemen - that Hugh Grant is at his best when he ditches rom-coms and propositioning prostitutes. His performance could only get more British if he was drinking tea, eating fish and chips and singing Mary Poppins songs between sinister monologues. His unsettling politeness, lingering smile and subtle menace make him as terrifying as any traditional horror baddy. As with a lot of films - especially horrors - the ending doesn't quite meet the standards of the first hour or so, hence my rating. Worth a watch, though, no doubt.
Willow (1988) - 6/10
I loved this as a kid because when you're eight, the idea of knights, swords, witches, magic and monsters is just fascinating, isn't it? Less so the idea of baby-snatching but I saw past that, to be honest. Val Kilmer is at his rockstar best and there's enough 80s fantasy cheese to fill a substantial witches pot for a big fuck-off fondue. The real highlight, though, is the showdown between the two ancient sorceresses, as they go full WWE — throwing each other around and throttling one another like the Enchantercontinental belt is for grabs. Very little is as entertaining as two grandmas slapping, clawing, and spell-slamming each other into oblivion.
Warfare (2025) - 6/10
This is your standard American war propaganda film, packed full of every war movie cliché, each in full combat gear, grunting and whilsting The Star-Spangled Banner. With explosions, Skinnies, drifting tanks, snipers and more yelling than your parents managed every Friday night once your dad got back from the pub, it'll certainly maintain your interest. It's not - in my opinion - quite as decorated as Black Hawk Down but it's in the same squadron. Hooah!
Gone Girl (2014) - 6/10
This film is all about how absolutely batshit crazy women are. We all know it; we've all endured it in the past. Women even know it themselves. Most of them revel in it. They love to push your buttons. To watch as you suffer the latest verbal blow, to watch as you slow blink, to see the rage bubble up from your belly and catch in your throat. It's right at that moment that they'll execute the finishing move. One crisp, cutting lyrical dagger straight to your heart. It's then that your pride takes over. It's then that all the years of shit are realised at once, in a ball of fury so fierce that you can't control it. You feel it moving across your diaphragm, up to your shoulder and down your arm, burning, burning as it goes. It ultimately ends up at your fist, and try as you might to squeeze it away, it burns ever brighter. Your arm begins to shake with the wrath. At this stage, there's no going back. The only verdict is vengeance, delivered swiftly by your knuckles, to the bridge of her nose. She won't get up but she will cry, sobbing uncontrollably, despite, knowing this was her aim all along. Floored she may be, but she will take the win, knowing she has you in the palm of her hand. You leave her there, victorius, grabbing a beer from the fridge as you go. You try, try, try to drink it all away but you know - and most importantly - she knows, you'll fail miserably, just like the fuck up that you are.