Gone Girl (2014) - 6/10
This film is all about how absolutely batshit crazy women are. We all know it; we've all endured it in the past. Women even know it themselves. Most of them revel in it. They love to push your buttons. To watch as you suffer the latest verbal blow, to watch as you slow blink, to see the rage bubble up from your belly and catch in your throat. It's right at that moment that they'll execute the finishing move. One crisp, cutting lyrical dagger straight to your heart. It's then that your pride takes over. It's then that all the years of shit are realised at once, in a ball of fury so fierce that you can't control it. You feel it moving across your diaphragm, up to your shoulder and down your arm, burning, burning as it goes. It ultimately ends up at your fist, and try as you might to squeeze it away, it burns ever brighter. Your arm begins to shake with the wrath. At this stage, there's no going back. The only verdict is vengeance, delivered swiftly by your knuckles, to the bridge of her nose. She won't get up but she will cry, sobbing uncontrollably, despite, knowing this was her aim all along. Floored she may be, but she will take the win, knowing she has you in the palm of her hand. You leave her there, victorius, grabbing a beer from the fridge as you go. You try, try, try to drink it all away but you know - and most importantly - she knows, you'll fail miserably, just like the fuck up that you are.
Messi (2022) - 7/10
I know the Messi story nearly as well as my own. It's been covered in many documentaries I've seen and many articles and books that I've read, and this is just more of the same, but still, it's worth a watch. Messi is the greatest player to have ever lived. It has been an absolute pleasure to have seen so much of his career.
The Wife (2017) - 7/10
I nearly turned this off immediately because the first scene is pretty much old people shagging. It was a tough wank but I got through it. The rest of the film was surprisingly entertaining, once you got over the old people shagging, that is. Although when I got in bed that night, the old people shagging was embedded in my eyelids. That was an even tougher wank but I did finally get some sleep. Anyway, it's an interesting thought experiment on the lengths people will go to in order to be successful, the sacrifices that people make in relationships and, indeed, the amount of shit people will put up with to maintain those relationships.
The Remarkable Life of Ibelin (2024) - 5/10
World of Warcraft is for fucking nerds. Let's get that clear straight away. I've played online games myself in past, which, being honest, were also for nerds, but I was young and - I know this may shock you - I was a bit of a nerd back then. Anyway, the point I'm making here is that there's plenty of nerds about who need shit to do with their time. Even better if it involves them interacting with women, something your average nerd never does. Now that I've said all that disparaging shit, I'll admit that I'm delighted that there are online games for people who struggle socially to interact with others. Especially those people who are disabled and/or struggle to make friends in the real world. And this documentary is a celebration of that. Although, the animated scenes nearly had me reaching for the off button, but I persevered because I'm a fucking hero.
Dead Man Walking (1995) - 6/10
I'm so old that back when I was a kid, my mum and dad recorded stuff on VHS tapes - no no that sort of stuff; well, not as far as I've ever discovered, thankfully - and, my dad being my dad, maintained a video list of everything we had. When I was off school sick, I'd generally lash Rocky 4 on, which, was a proper VHS, bought from the shop in it's own branded case. And we had our fucking monies worth out of that, let me tell you. When Rocky was finished, I'd often browse the video list to see what to watch next. One day, I saw a film called Dead Man Walking and thought I'd give it a go, and I liked it. It made teenage me feel mature for enjoying such grown up film. It was probably, in fact, the most grown up film I'd seen at that age. So with that memory occasionally drifting into my conscience, I decided to watch it again. And it's still pretty good.
QT8: The First Eight (2019) - 6/10
Tarantino is a weird fella. He is literally that film-obsessed kid that you used to go to school with, who worked in a video store at the weekend, who was always banging on about Korean horror films and throwing out phrases like "film noir" and "cinematography". But because of his obsession and his detailed knowledge of films, of cinema history, of what works and of what audiences enjoy, that motherfucker can make a goddamn good movie. This is a documentary about him and his first eight films, all of which I've seen and largely enjoy, but to varying degrees.
Tetris (2023) - 6/10
Arguably the greatest game ever made, it deserves a great film being made about it. This, whilst entertaining, isn't quite as good as I'd have hoped though. Still, it's well worth a watch, especially if you grew up playing Tetris back then, like I did. The story of its creation - and how it got into all our hands - is truly crazy; the Soviet Union back then was, indeed, a mad, mad place, and that's what makes this story even crazier.
Still (2023) - 7/10
This is about being a weird kid, about finding your niche, about what happens when you become really really famous and, crucially, about what happens when life kicks back and how you deal with the blows. Michael J Fox used to be one of the coolest dudes alive, but not any more. He's not been given the greatest hand in life, but he's done amazingly well with what he was given.
Past Lives (2023) - 6/10
This is ultimately a love story and I was led to believe that it was something much more interesting than that. I'm not into love stories, but I am into people figuring out their lives and seeing the path people choose to take. I wouldn't recommend it but it wasn't bad either. It's mostly subtitled too, which may not be your thing. How incredibly rude for a South Korean film director to make a South Korean film in South Korea using South Korean actors and for them to have the temerity to speak in their own language! Disgusting.
Navalny (2022) - 8/10
This guy is a fucking hero with absolutely monstrous balls. What he risked and the way he took on that risk is something to marvel at. It's a shame there aren't more people like him in the world. It would be a much better place if there were.