28 Years Later (2025) - 3/10
If you told me the script for this was written by a group of stoned morons locked in a garage with nothing but custard creams, Red Bull, and vague memories of the first movie - with the goal of writing the worst film there's ever been - I’d believe you. This film makes Sharknado look like The Shawshank Redemption. Danny Boyle has either lost his mind, lost a bet, or is conducting some kind of psychological experiment on the audience. I genuinely believe he's testing the theory that he can make any old shite and people will pay to see it. To be fair, the signs were there with the opening ceremony of the London Olympics. It's not just bad; it's proudly, let-me-rub-my-shit-in-your-face bad. It's like Byker Grove meets The Hunger Games where the aim is to kill as many paraplegic Mr Blobbys as you can. And that's the good bit. The rest is best consumed on crystal meth. I must have asked myself numerous times, "What the fuck has that got to do with anything?" about six times. I don't think the frown left my face for the entire 115 minutes. And there was literally no point casting Jodie Comer for the role as the mum. I certainly won't be watching the follow up, which, I guess based on the size of the schlong on the Alpha zombie, will be called 28 Inches Later.
Super/Man: The Christopher Reeve Story (2024) - 7/10
This is the story of how Superman flew too close to the sun; and then a horse absolutely humbled him. It tells the hauntingly ironic tale of how the most perfect jawline in cinema went from leaping tall buildings in a single bound to needing a team of specialists just to sneeze. It's a grim reminder that spines are important. When the Man of Steel can be fucked over this easily, you know what chances that gives the rest of us. This documentary traces Reeve’s journey from cape-sporting icon to a fella who could no longer scratch his own balls. And yet, he treats paralysis less like a death sentence and more like a rebrand. Think about that the next time you stub your toe and need a mental health day. It's a story of success, of family, of bravery, of determination and of duty. It goes to show that no matter how healthy you are, how strong you are, how rich you are or how hopeful you can be, life can just fuck you right up the arse in the most sinister of ways. But, still, Reeve - with the love and help of his family - used the one thing he did have, his voice, to fight for something he believed in. And in doing so he achieved so much more than you ever will, you lazy, able-bodied good-for-nothing bastard.
We Will Dance Again (2024) - 7/10
I can't really say anything funny about this because innocent people being gunned down isn't funny. Unless they're black, of course. But, no, seriously, this is grim. It shows video footage recorded by both the people at the festival and the Hamas soldiers doing the murdering. It doesn't try to force a political viewpoint on you throughout, and none of the victims say much about that, which gives the whole thing a degree of authenticity about the events of the day and the impact its had on their lives. One thing I will say though, is that pretty much every Israeli vicim is attractive. Even the blokes. So if it weren't such a fucking mess over there, I'd consider taking my dick over there for the weekend.
His Three Daughters (2023) - 6/10
Nothing brings a family together quite like a dying parent, and by “together” I mean stuck in a tiny apartment, passive-aggressively arguing over who Dad loved the least whilst wanting to rip each other's heads off. What represents sibling rivalry more than pretending you're fine and silently judging each other's life choices while someone slowly dies in the next room? What's not to enjoy about watching fully grown women regress into teenage versions of themselves while trying to manage adult diapers and hospice paperwork? You can almost spot the moment they begin to understand why Dad spent so much time at the pub. It brings home the deeply grim realisation that the people with which you must experience one of the darkest moments of your life - the same people you've shared beds with, cried with and laughed with - somehow, after all these years, are absolutely nothing like you. And how, crucially, you can't fucking stand any of them. The comfort, at least, is that they, too, are hurting. The real victory here is that at least you won't have to visit them at Christmas anymore.
The Zone of Interest (2023) - 6/10
This is the feel-good family comedy of the year! Just kidding. It's awful; not awful as a film, but awful in what it reveals about the human condition. The true genius of the film lies in how little it shows and how much it implies. It doesn't need to actually show anything, because we all know what horrors occurred on the other side of them walls. It goes a long way to answering the sort of questions you've never thought to ask. Like what do the most evil people in history like to do in their spare time? Where do they like to holiday? Do they bother locking their doors at night? And, most upsettingly, is that the sausages I can smell burning on the BBQ or something else? You'll find answers to all those things here. You'll even see how they read to their kids at night and that they genuinely love their dogs, all of which is just absolutely horrifying knowing what we know. These monsters fold laundry and sip their tea at breakfast, before heading into work to commit genocide. It's the weight of that barbarity that will linger with you. Having said all that, the real horror here is Hess' hair cut. He deserves all he got for that alone.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) - 6/10
I've always said that art is gay and this film proves me right. It brilliantly captures the sensual act of seeing deep into another's soul and putting what you see tenderly on paint, with each soft caress and firm thrust of your moist brush. It's watchable because both women are attractive and therefore I certainly wouldn't hesitate to caress or thrust in their general vicinity, however, it is in French and it's based before Duke Nukem 3D came out, so you may not dig it. It's about how making sustained eye contact with someone and spending too long with them on a windy beach - without laying eyes on a man - can impact you. It's nearly two hours of cliff top walks, candlelit sexual tension, passionate glances and sketching of a lover’s ear like it's the Sistine Chapel. I nearly turned it off at the hairy armpit scene; especially as the screen faded to black shortly after and all I saw in the reflection of my TV was my own scrunched up, disgusted face staring back at me. But alas, I soldiered on, because I'm a fucking hero.
Strange Darling (2023) - 3/10
Violence against women is one of my favourite hobbies so I thought I'd enjoy this. However, I turned it off before the hour mark. Shite.
Anora (2024) - 7/10
You know me well enough by now to know that I'm going to say that they should have got a fitter bird. But, actually, should they? Strippers are always nice looking from afar but always have a bit of a face concern as you get up close. Not that I know many strippers, nor do I frequent their establishments, obviously. But you know what I mean. In casting for this role they needed someone who had a majestic arse - because, let's be real, that's the most important thing - who could dance and also speak Russian. So they've actually done quite well with the casting. I mean, she won the fucking Osacar for her performance, so who the fuck am I to question it. But this is a decent film; very original, which I like. There's also lots of shagging, plenty of laughs and a tremendously liberal use of the word fuck, all of which I also like. But ultimately it gives you a glimpse into two worlds you don't normally see; that of a spoilt rich Russian prick and that of a stripper, which, as you may guess, is a rags‑to‑riches tale that ultimately gets very sad. And, again, if you know me at all by now, you'll now that melancholy is what really gets me off.
Abigail (2024) - 3/10
If From Dusk Till Dawn and The Exorcist had a baby, and that baby had fangs, tap shoes, and a taste for human jugulars, you'd get this film. Much like From Dusk Till Dawn, it quickly pirouettes from one type of film into an entirely different type of film, one that has lots of blood, lots of beheadings and lots of cheesy bad guys getting their comeuppance. Other people's kids are bastards; we all recognise that. And minding them is always a fucking chore, but at least, so far anyway, none of ever tried to end my shit altogether. Set in a gothic mansion full of hardwood floors and awful lighting choices, the vibe is good and the deaths are enjoyable... But, alas, I got bored, and off it went about an hour in. I suggest you just watch From Dusk Till Dawn instead.
Speak No Evil (2024) - 5/10
This is a perfect allegory about why you shouldn't ever make friends with strangers on holiday. Maybe your kids get on and maybe they're generous with their trips to the bar, but maybe they're fucking serial killers too? The first hour delivers extreme tension and more social awkwardness than at an IT department's Christmas party, but then, towards the conclusion, it gets stupid. James McAvoy is great - as always - but I couldn't wait for it to finish by the end. Worth a watch for the most part but ready yourself for the disappointed.