The Greatest Night in Pop (2024) - 6/10
Have you ever wondered how the biggest popstars in America would have coped on Pop Idol? Well watch this and you'll know. It documents the moments that they were brought together to sing a song in an attempt to save starving Africans. The most interesting bit is how they interact with each other, how they try to out-do each other and, crucially, how they deal with realising they're not the biggest talent in the room. Some, like Springsteen and Lauper, shine despite not being the most gifted and others, like Dylan, spend the entire time looking for a rock on the ground to climb under. Good on him for even showing up, and fair fucks to the lot of them for doing their bit right into the early hours.
Predator: Badlands (2025) - 4/10
Have you ever, whilst watching the original Predator, asked yourself, "I wonder how the Predator got to be such a good hunter and all round magnificently hard bastard?" No? Me neither. Because that's what this film tries to explain, as it delivers a teenage Predator with an attitude to some mad planet even more deadly than Australia. Imagine God had got bored of creating Earth after a couple of days and instead went on a bender; that's what this place is like. It's the latest of a long line of classic movies that have been remade for a new idiot generatiion. I didn't like it much at all and I own a Predato-themed Christmas t-shirt.
Frankenstein (2025) - 5/10
We all know the story here. Dr Frankenstein creates a monster out of nothing but ambition, human limbs and bits and bobs from his garage. The outcome is an overly dramatic nine foot tall indestructible human-like creature with a degree in Philosophy. I watched this weeks ago and haven't been able to summon even an iota of motivation to write a review for it. That about sums it up. Just a big fat bowl of nothingness which left me inspired to do absolutely sweet FA; not even provide a few sentences of spite for The Internet. If you're into fog and lightning and damp surfaces, then sure, you may dig it, but it wasn't for me. I love Oscar Isaac too, and I'd watch anything he's in. It's just a shame he chose to be in this because it's very average.
Den of Thieves: Pantera (2025) - 4/10
The first Den of Thieves was great because it was a bunch of hard men robbing banks under immense tension then shooting their way out of the trouble they'd got themselves into. That's the sort of action film we all want to see. This sequel is just stupid and loud. Gerard Butler stumbles around confused most of the time looking like he's dealing with concussion whilst playing a game of chicken with heart disease. The plot is a fucking joke and the baddy is so criminally Disney-evil that I half expected him to break into song and dance at one point. This is not a film for serious people.
Kenny Dalglish (2025) - 8/10
It's impossible not to adore Kenny Dalglish. He is one of life's good guys and, for me, as a Liverpool fan, he is so much more. The club's greatest ever legend and, as far as I'm concerned, the greatest living Scouser, despite having been born in Glasgow. This film goes some way to showing why he is so loved by so many, Liverpool fans, football fans, and human beings in general. What a guy. Absolutely worth watching, despite your football allegiances.
Ballad of a Small Player (2025) - 4/10
There's something inexplicably watchable about Colin Farrel. I've always thought that, despite him now having been in some dreadful films. Of late, he's been generally playing the worn out, middle-aged drunk, which is a big change from his early days of him playing the hunk. And it's more of the same here, although it's not even that entertaining. I'd say it's like the worst hangover you've ever had becoming sentient and booking a trip to Macau, but that makes it sound too appealing. It felt to me like a bunch of independent short stories based around the same character using the same actor, but with the only thing to connect them being the beautiful cinematography. There is a sniff of a storyline but it's all over the place and indulges some massive leaps of faith over some monumental crevasses, meaning generally it comes across as an awful whiff. Avoid.
One Battle After Another (2025) - 5/10
War has never before been so horny. Immediately at the start of this, you're wondering, "What's going on here exactly?" and "Why does that man have an erection?" I see what they were trying to do, but really? I mean, I've never used a firearm in the bedroom but, you know? The film follows the same pattern as most of my Tinder dates; it starts off with sexual tension and threats, continues on with confusion and tears and then ends with someone passed out having unspeakable things done to them by people in masks. It's a single dad raising his daughter by himself using obsolete Bond gadgets whilst artillery is dropped all around him. It's Paul Thomas Anderson's attempt at Pulp Fiction or The Departed and despite using a bazooka, he misses the target. There's not enough time invested making you care about the characters and too many questions left unanswered. Christmas Adventurers?! Say what now? You may like it, but I left disappointed.
Reputation (2024) - 4/10
You know what winds me the fuck up? How often I see some North Face wearing, low-level drug-dealing scallies walking around town with an absolutely stunning girlfriend. These gobshites have no ambition, no charm, no emotional availability and no job. Yet their birds are fit as fuck!? Make it make sense. Anyway, this is the sort of film a 13 year-old lad would watch and think is great. It'll probably inspire them to become a drug dealer when really it should be doing the exact opposite. I've been there myself; I loved Scarface as a kid, but at least that's a good film. This, on the other hand, is a load of rehashed, seen-it-all-before shite. They didn't even make the main character likeable. Jib.
The Long Walk (2025) - 6/10
This film combines two of my favourite things, a nice walk in the countryside - fresh air, birdsong, maybe a pub or two - and point blank executions using a carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon. Walking, they say, is the safest form of exercise. Not when you're walking side-by-side with the Grim Reaper it isn't. This is a bit like the hunger games for lazy people, where you're being handed fresh water one minute then wiping your new pal's brains off your face the next. It'll certainly leave you questioning your footwear each morning as you pull them onto your feet. Will these things really take me 300 miles if required? I loved the book so it was always going to be tough for the film to meet my expectations, but it was alright. I have no hate for it but it also didn't blow me away. Definitely worth a watch though.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) - 8/10
When I was born, apparently I had a red birth mark on the end of one of my index fingers, so the nurses at the hospital said I looked like E.T. I was told this numerous times as a kid and it did wonders for my self-confidence, as you can imagine. Why wouldn't you want to look like a short wrinkly space raisin with a massive head? It really is no surprise his best friend kept him locked in a cupboard, is it? This is an absolute classic though, and if you think otherwise, you're wrong. It did introduce me, from an early age, to the idea that the government are bastards. And, to be fair, this is something that has both helped me a great deal in my life and, sadly, it is now more truer than ever.