Weapons (2025) - 4/10
This had all the required hype, excellent imdb ratings and Josh Brolin, which meant I went into it with high hopes. Sadly, it was very disappointing; almost as disappointing as your mum telling you that your creepy aunt is coming to stay for the weekend, which is basically what starts all the problems in this. There is very little logic, loads of loose ends and plenty we've all seen before multiple times. Sadly, it turns out that Josh Brolin can be in shit films. The only thing it truly nailed is the idea that family are, indeed, the real curse.
The Promised Land (2023) - 7/10
Did you enjoy the bit of The Martian where Matt Damon is trying to grow potatoes on another planet? Yeah? Well then you'll enjoy this. Somehow, despite being on Earth, Mads Mikkelsen finds an environment less forgiving than Mars. He has to contend with barren soil, soul-crushing weather, frost, AWOL workers, theivery and the biggest prick of a spoilt land owner you've ever seen. I haven't hated anyone this much since Joffrey Baratheon. Can't a man just be left to grow some potatoes in peace? It's like Pride and Predjudice meets There Will Be Blood and will leave you thinking, "Fuck the potatoes. Eat the rich!" Mads Mikkelsen’s simmering glare deserves special mention too. If looks could kill, indeed.
Hustle (2022) - 6/10
This is the heartwarming story of Adam Sandler proving he can fall out bed, throw on a hoody and still earn millions of pounds for reading some lines. He doesn't even need a golf club or a stupid accent in this one. As you may have guessed, he's not my favourite actor, but he doesn't act like some mentally-challenged teenager in this, at least. The gist is he's a basketball scout who comes across some giant street baller in Spain and decides he can train him to reach the NBA. That's basically all you need to know. I know nothing of basketball and despise Adam Sandler, yet I didn't hate it. The sort of film you do the ironing to, or browse Vinted to, or whatever else mundane shit you do with your evenings.
BlackBerry (2023) - 6/10
This is a chaotic rise-and-fall story about how you can be leading the pack one minute and then be lagging behind with two fucked knees the next. The BlackBerry was, at one time, so addictive it was nicknamed the “Crackberry”, until Apple came along and made it look like a calculator you'd get with a toddler's playset. It’s got stuttering nerds with dreams, a CEO with the subtlety of a punch to the throat, and enough awkward office energy to power a thousand IT Christmas parties. It’s a portrait of a world before TikTok, before infinite doomscrolling, and, crucially, before Steve Jobs woke up one morning and said, "Fuck keyboards!"
28 Years Later (2025) - 3/10
If you told me the script for this was written by a group of stoned morons locked in a garage with nothing but custard creams, Red Bull, and vague memories of the first movie - with the goal of writing the worst film there's ever been - I’d believe you. This film makes Sharknado look like The Shawshank Redemption. Danny Boyle has either lost his mind, lost a bet, or is conducting some kind of psychological experiment on the audience. I genuinely believe he's testing the theory that he can make any old shite and people will pay to see it. To be fair, the signs were there with the opening ceremony of the London Olympics. It's not just bad; it's proudly, let-me-rub-my-shit-in-your-face bad. It's like Byker Grove meets The Hunger Games where the aim is to kill as many paraplegic Mr Blobbys as you can. And that's the good bit. The rest is best consumed on crystal meth. I must have asked myself numerous times, "What the fuck has that got to do with anything?" about six times. I don't think the frown left my face for the entire 115 minutes. And there was literally no point casting Jodie Comer for the role as the mum. I certainly won't be watching the follow up, which, I guess based on the size of the schlong on the Alpha zombie, will be called 28 Inches Later.
Super/Man: The Christopher Reeve Story (2024) - 7/10
This is the story of how Superman flew too close to the sun; and then a horse absolutely humbled him. It tells the hauntingly ironic tale of how the most perfect jawline in cinema went from leaping tall buildings in a single bound to needing a team of specialists just to sneeze. It's a grim reminder that spines are important. When the Man of Steel can be fucked over this easily, you know what chances that gives the rest of us. This documentary traces Reeve’s journey from cape-sporting icon to a fella who could no longer scratch his own balls. And yet, he treats paralysis less like a death sentence and more like a rebrand. Think about that the next time you stub your toe and need a mental health day. It's a story of success, of family, of bravery, of determination and of duty. It goes to show that no matter how healthy you are, how strong you are, how rich you are or how hopeful you can be, life can just fuck you right up the arse in the most sinister of ways. But, still, Reeve - with the love and help of his family - used the one thing he did have, his voice, to fight for something he believed in. And in doing so he achieved so much more than you ever will, you lazy, able-bodied good-for-nothing bastard.
We Will Dance Again (2024) - 7/10
I can't really say anything funny about this because innocent people being gunned down isn't funny. Unless they're black, of course. But, no, seriously, this is grim. It shows video footage recorded by both the people at the festival and the Hamas soldiers doing the murdering. It doesn't try to force a political viewpoint on you throughout, and none of the victims say much about that, which gives the whole thing a degree of authenticity about the events of the day and the impact its had on their lives. One thing I will say though, is that pretty much every Israeli vicim is attractive. Even the blokes. So if it weren't such a fucking mess over there, I'd consider taking my dick over there for the weekend.
His Three Daughters (2023) - 6/10
Nothing brings a family together quite like a dying parent, and by “together” I mean stuck in a tiny apartment, passive-aggressively arguing over who Dad loved the least whilst wanting to rip each other's heads off. What represents sibling rivalry more than pretending you're fine and silently judging each other's life choices while someone slowly dies in the next room? What's not to enjoy about watching fully grown women regress into teenage versions of themselves while trying to manage adult diapers and hospice paperwork? You can almost spot the moment they begin to understand why Dad spent so much time at the pub. It brings home the deeply grim realisation that the people with which you must experience one of the darkest moments of your life - the same people you've shared beds with, cried with and laughed with - somehow, after all these years, are absolutely nothing like you. And how, crucially, you can't fucking stand any of them. The comfort, at least, is that they, too, are hurting. The real victory here is that at least you won't have to visit them at Christmas anymore.
The Zone of Interest (2023) - 6/10
This is the feel-good family comedy of the year! Just kidding. It's awful; not awful as a film, but awful in what it reveals about the human condition. The true genius of the film lies in how little it shows and how much it implies. It doesn't need to actually show anything, because we all know what horrors occurred on the other side of them walls. It goes a long way to answering the sort of questions you've never thought to ask. Like what do the most evil people in history like to do in their spare time? Where do they like to holiday? Do they bother locking their doors at night? And, most upsettingly, is that the sausages I can smell burning on the BBQ or something else? You'll find answers to all those things here. You'll even see how they read to their kids at night and that they genuinely love their dogs, all of which is just absolutely horrifying knowing what we know. These monsters fold laundry and sip their tea at breakfast, before heading into work to commit genocide. It's the weight of that barbarity that will linger with you. Having said all that, the real horror here is Hess' hair cut. He deserves all he got for that alone.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) - 6/10
I've always said that art is gay and this film proves me right. It brilliantly captures the sensual act of seeing deep into another's soul and putting what you see tenderly on paint, with each soft caress and firm thrust of your moist brush. It's watchable because both women are attractive and therefore I certainly wouldn't hesitate to caress or thrust in their general vicinity, however, it is in French and it's based before Duke Nukem 3D came out, so you may not dig it. It's about how making sustained eye contact with someone and spending too long with them on a windy beach - without laying eyes on a man - can impact you. It's nearly two hours of cliff top walks, candlelit sexual tension, passionate glances and sketching of a lover’s ear like it's the Sistine Chapel. I nearly turned it off at the hairy armpit scene; especially as the screen faded to black shortly after and all I saw in the reflection of my TV was my own scrunched up, disgusted face staring back at me. But alas, I soldiered on, because I'm a fucking hero.