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Let's say you're proper into confectionery and hear about this delicious cake that has all your favourite ingredients. Well, in this case, the cake is this film, and the ingredients are serial killers, missing children, creepy houses, mysterious tapes, sinister nursery rhymes, imaginary friends and, of course, Robert De Niro. Who doesn't love a bit of Robert De Niro on their cake? Even if he has been sitting in the back of the cupboard since the first Covid lockdown and has developed a worrying green tinge. The problem here is in the baking. All the ingredients are there, but somehow the cake comes out a bit undercooked, bland and lacking that final bit of magic. You can see what it should have been, and every now and then you get a mouthful that's genuinely tasty, but for the most part you're just chewing through a slightly disappointing mess, wondering where it all went wrong and whether the toddler who applied the icing washed their hands beforehand.... And you know what's worse? I bet you're hungry now too, aren't you? You greedy little cunt.

Louis Theroux ventures into the manosphere, a place where apparently every problem in life can be blamed on women, feminism, or the fact that nobody will sleep with you. It’s an absolutely toxic, depressing collection of angry little men desperately trying to convince themselves that being horrible is actually a personality. The whole thing is fascinating in the same way watching a car crash is fascinating, although at least the car crash doesn't have a podcast. The best bit comes when one of the massive pricks starts talking directly to the camera rather than Louis, prompting Louis to brilliantly ask, “Who are you talking to?” It’s probably the most accurate summary of the entire movement: a man shouting into the void, convinced the world is listening. Louis, of course, is excellent again and, as usual, asks the perfect questions to give these arseholes enough rope to make monumental tits of themselves.

This is basically a two-hour metaphor for men chasing attractive women. Charlize Theron - who could still have me walking around on all fours on a leash, even at 51 - spends most of this film being chased through a jungle by an absolute nutcase. We've all seen an attractive woman on a night out and immediately lost all common sense and decency in some doomed attempt to pursue her. Well, this film is basically that. In my experience, it generally ends badly for the fella, and, sure enough, it does here too. I'm glad I watched it though, because the memes that have come from the Chemical Brothers dancing scene have been funny as fuck.

A brutally bleak film about two Senegalese teenagers making the dangerous journey from Africa to Europe. I can relate becuase I've been on plenty of lads' holidays. The risks here are less about losing your mates at 3am or accidentally shagging an underage girl who definitely claimed to be 19, and instead are more about getting shot in the head by people smugglers or drowning in the Med. Maybe not entirely the same vibe but then again, you haven't met my mates. Really powerful film, though. However, I did spend most of it thinking: lads, honestly, just stay in Senegal. You’ve no idea how shit the weather is over here.

This is basically the ancient Greek version of trying to find your way home after a massive bender. You set off thinking you know exactly where you are, encounter several increasingly baffling obstacles, lose all sense of time and eventually arrive home without your phone, looking like absolute fucking shit. The only thing missing is spending three hours talking about Star Wars to someone you don’t recognise, in a kitchen you’ve never seen before, while drinking a spirit someone swears they brought back from Tenerife. Having said that, this mad twat somehow ends up living on a deserted beach with Charlize Theron and decides things could be better. Fuck off, mate. I’d sign up to that life in a second.

Netflix has done it again: taken a case that could've been told in 60 minutes and lovingly inflated it into a feature-length documentary using dramatic music, lingering pauses, and enough drone shots to qualify for an FAA licence. I've said this before and I'll say it again, "Bitches be crazy". Sadly, as we discover here, that's not a legal defence. The evidence is compelling and will keep you interested. All the drone shots are less so. If you enjoy true crime, it's an engaging watch and provides ample opportunity to keep you 'til 3am Googling more about the case, convincing yourself that you've spotted something the jury missed. The moral of the story here, fellas, is do not let your woman drive. Especially if she's high and especially if she thinks you're one more hair pin on the floor away from dumping her.

I watched this for one reason and one reason only. Sydney Sweeney's tits. OK, maybe two reasons. And yes I mean both of her tits. I think there was a plot somwhere in there but, to be honest, my attention was on them titties. They really are magnificent. Although, and I can't quite put my finger on it, there is something a bit odd about her face. I think it's her eyes. They seem to have, I don't know, some sort of permanently sleepy expression, like the wind changed right as she was waking up from a nap. Them tits though. 10/10. The film, markedly less. I probably would have given it a 4 but the number 3 looks a like a pair of tits on the side so there you go.

When your friend says, "Why don't you come and meet my family in rural Sweden?", you picture gorgeous blondes dancing around to ABBA while feeding you meatballs. How could you possibly say no? Turns out it's actually the worst European experience since somehow ending up on an 18–30 holiday with your mum. It's weirdly compelling and I'd definitely recommend it, especially if relationship tension is your thing. It does go a bit off the rails but of course it does; it's Ari Aster.

This is another horror that was meant to be quite decent. To be fair, it wasn't terrible but that's about as much praise as I'm willing to give it. It has plenty of classic horror tropes; foster homes, VHS tapes and, of course, weird little mute kids. It deals with grief and asks to what lengths would you go to bring back a loved one? On a scale of 1 to Pet Sematary, it's on the heavier end but, to be honest, if that's the vibe you're after, just fucking watching Pet Sematary. The original, of course, because fuck remakes.

This documentary is all about Brazil and their successful 1994 World Cup campaign in which Romario and Bebeto fired them to glory. But, really, having lived through that World Cup, I know, deep down, the whole tournament wasn't really about Brazil. It wasn't even about Italy, who they beat in the final. It was about Roberto Baggio, the world's best player and existing Ballon d'Or holder at the time. He almost single-handedly dragged Italy to the final, and then, when it mattered most, he missed the decisive penalty that gifted Brazil the game. For me, the whole competition was foreplay for the final fucking, in which Baggio fucked himself and his country. It's a tragedy of epic proportions. Even now, with another World Cup taking place in USA, you can see a glimpse of Baggio in the stands watching a game and you can see he's still haunted by it. But yeah, Brazil did well too.

If I was being polite about Raymond Domenech, I'd call him extravagant. If I wasn't, I could think of one or two other words. And this film details that in pretty precise fashion. The film revisits the French football team's controversial 2010 World Cup, where the drama is off the pitch rather than on it, and the fallout that comes from it. Domenech acts like the lead part in a Shakespearean tragedy where his only methods of communication are passive aggression, staring with intent and brutal ignorance. It's a bit of a Who Done It where you're left to decipher who's the biggest twat. I enjoyed it.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if that girl you fancied really, really liked you back? Of course you have, you sad little virgin. Let's be honest, we've all dated an absolute nutcase at some point, but thankfully most of them haven't had the budget for supernatural powers. We've all been young, dumb and full of cum in the past, but any man who uses his one wish to get a woman's love deserves all the pain coming his way. This film has confirmed two things for me. Firstly, all horrors nowadays are shit. I'd basically given up on them but I tried Weapons and now I've tried this... And I wish I hadn't. Secondly, you cannot trust IMDb anymore, because this has an astonishing 8.2!! Which was part of the reason I went to see it. And it was a huge disappointment. I guess the bot farms have been working endlessly with the ratings for this. Or maybe I'm just too jaded at my age to appreciate it.

This film is less of a sci-fi movie and more of a feature length version of your favourite DIYing YouTuber developing a buddy comedy with a talking space turd whilst having an existential crisis. There are more comedic one liners than astrophysics and, with the entire human-race back home on earth presumably shitting their pants over the dying sun, this multi-limbed space engineer is basically delivering cosmic deadpan like it’s an open mic night in zero gravity. Who would have thought that a granite space crab would end up having a sharper sense of humour than most people back on Earth? They learn to communicate much too quickly for my liking; it took Amy Adams the best part of 90 minutes to understand a fucking word the aliens in Arrival were saying. That seems much more reasonable to me. I mean, it takes my colleagues sixteen emails and two team meetings to decide on whether the ambient temperature of the office is right or not. This is just a bit too far-fetched for me, and there are well too many assumptions to be had. All in all, it's just a bit ridiculous. The book is the same, to be fair. Maybe I just prefer the sort of sci-fi where everyone dies, because fuck the majority of humanity.

We've all had that feeling of deja vu, where you see something or experience something or read something and think to yourself, "Hang on, I've seen this before!" It's a strange feeling, isn't it? Well imagine that was your life. We've all had that feeling of deja vu, where you see something or experience something or read something and think to yourself, "Hang on, I've seen this before!" It's a strange feeling, isn't it? Well imagine that was your life. We've all had that feeling of deja vu, where you see something or experience something or read something and think to yourself, "Hang on, I've seen this before!" It's a strange feeling, isn't it? Well imagine that was your life. That's basically what this is about.

I know the Nazis made some questionable choices, but did we really need a big song and dance about prosecuting them? Of fucking course we did. They're probably the biggest gang of cunts to have ever lived, and I say that despite knowing a few Arsenal fans. I don't know what else to say really, because the Holocaust is downright hilarious as it is... But, no, it's worth a watch because some bits of history are absolutely essential knowledge, especially given the fucking state of the world today. I fear for the way it is heading and this film can serve as a reminder about what happens when the good people in the world let the baddies do their thing.

The morale of this story - and, indeed, of Springsteen's life - is that it doesn't matter how much of an awkwardly shy nerd you are, if you put on your dad's leather jacket and pick up a guitar, you become an instant pussy magnet. That's obviously a joke, because Springsteen is a fucking dude, and an incredibly talented one at that. Let's be honest, I'd probably fuck him and he's 76 years old! Seriously though, he's great. I've loved his music ever since my mum used to blast Dancing in the Dark whilst making a fry up back when I was kid, and I've seen him live and he was exceptional. This film doesn't really do him justice, so if you want to know about his music and more about the man he is, I recommend you watch Springsteen on Broadway instead.

This film is basically what happens when someone watches Forrest Gump and thinks, “This is great but what if it were more bleak and nobody was allowed to leave the living room?” Every single shot is taken from the same spot in the same room over a number of years, with things starting promising and getting more and more depressing as time ticks on. So in that sense, I suppose, it's a lot like my home-made porn collection, and probably shares a similar production budget. Instead of Forrest accidentally influencing major historical events, history occasionally drifts into this film via the TV and radio as these people raise families, fight, grow old and, generally, be miserable. It's the story of an American life encapsulated: life, love, and furniture placement. I liked the concept, to be honest. I enjoy long timelines and seeing what becomes of people; it gives a thoughtful, reflective vibe about time and our impact on the whole. It'll make you wonder how many people have sat exactly where you're sat now. Or breathed in the exact air you've just breathed in. How many men have walked round with their cocks out in that exact spot where your mouth currently is? And how many more will do so in the future? But ultimately, it feels like it's been done on the cheap. They haven't even hired a camera man, for Christ's sake! They've just whacked it on a tripod and said, Off you go!""

I've been single for a while now - my choice, I'll have you know - so nothing quite warms the cockles of my heart like watching two attractive strangers fall hopelessly in love... And then immediately get fucked up by a catastrophic hurricane. The first half of the film is well set up; lots of sailing and young abandon, meaningful eye contact, charming flirting, soft caressing and scenic sunsets. And just as you're sat there, bitterly thinking, "Yes, yes, very sweet, but get to the good bit", along comes a storm. Suddenly the film becomes less about romance and more about the ocean’s firm belief that young love should be tested under the most hostile conditions. It's a decent film that may inspire wanderlust, or whatever the exact opposite of that is. It brilliantly suggests that falling in love may lead to sunsets, sailing trips, and profound emotional connection, but that, ultimately, we're all alone. Just be grateful that you're not all alone on a fucked boat drifting aimlessly across the Pacific with no food and no method of communication. The lesson is that, yes, kids, absolutely follow your dreams; just be very fucking careful where they take you.

This film asks the question, what would you do if you discovered your doppelganger living locally to you? If your first thought is, "I'd make a move on his wife!" then happy days, this film is for you. It is tense and unsettling and will leave you wondering just how uncanny the uncanny valley can get. I enjoyed it, but I'm bald with a beard so two out of every five fellas nowdays look exactly like me, and I'd love nothing more than to shag most of their wives. Not yours though; she's a fucking dog.

Nick Offerman is a powerful actor who can dominate a scene with just his eyebrows and the threat of a raised voice. Now imagine he's your dad and he's perpetually disappointed in you. In fact, the only things he likes less than you - his only son - are himself and the government. Sounds scary, right? His words land heavy and stay there, like emotional furniture you’ll be tripping over for years. You realise watching this that every intense stare, every “life lesson” and every long silence can shape your kids in not entirely healthy ways. It will leave you wondering about your own childhood and questioning your own parenting techniques. And the biggest question you'll be left with is, should you text your parents first or your therapist?

This is a very unique action movie in that 95% of the action happens whilst people are sat down staring at a screen. It's based on the true story of Olympians being held captive and, eventually kidnaped and - erm, spoiler alert - other bad shit. It's pretty tense and does a good job to remind you that the world has always been a fucking cesspit; that isn't just a modern thing, although, it's probably worse now than ever before. It also questions how thin the line is between reporting the news, shaping the news and becoming the news.

This is basically Forrest Gump if Forrest had elite talent, zero humility, and a burning desire to be the biggest arsehole in every room he's in. Instead of stumbling through major moments of history charming everyone with his innocence like Forrest does, Marty instead bulldozes through his own massive fuck ups with pure, world-class arrogance. He's a super-cocky know-it-all who somehow still gets rewarded. It's the sort of film you should show your kids to teach them how not to become successful. By the end I couldn't be sure if I should be rooting for him or praying for his demise. This is being described in the media as a "table tennis movie" when really it's about table tennis in the same way Forrest Gump is about shrimping. It's an entertaining watch though, and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.

If you enjoy Hollywood A Listers being moody whilst they wield two-handed guns with one hand like they’re holding iced coffees, firing endlessly without recoil, reloading or consequences, then this is for you. Gun safety violations apart, the plot is interesting enough but it jumps from being predictable as fuck one moment to too clever for its own good the next. Damon and Affleck together again is obviously the major pull and watching them settle decades of friendly resentment in front of a camera is worth a watch. For scene after scene they glare, shove, and emotionally clothesline each other like it's a Celebrity Death Match with a blockbuster budget. In the end they both sort of win - or lose, depending on your perspective - I suppose. I think I've just seen too many of these sort of films over the years to be blown away by them anymore.

John Candy had no chance really. Given the size he was and his family history of heart disease, it was coming for him sooner or later. He was only 43 when he passed which seems incredibly young until you realise his own father died at 35 from the same thing! It must be incredibly tough growing up without a father and eating your feelings is absolutely an approach many take. But it's still incredibly sad, given how much he was adored and how much happiness he spread with his talent.

Look, I'd watch Ana de Armas do anything. Literally anything. Someone could release a film of her reading the manual of a Worcester Bosch Greenstar 4000 30kW boiler and I'd give it a go. She glides through the John Wick universe with lethal grace, fantastic posture, that incredible arse and a face so perfect that Helen of Troy would be jealous. The gist of this movie is basically, "gorgeous woman seeking vengeance by kicking people in the face", so if that sounds like your thing, then off you go. I've realised of late that I'm just not into fighting films any more. They literally do nothing for me. I haven't liked any of the previous John Wick films and I barely liked this one either. If there ever was a spy/assassin as good looking as De Armas, having her being punched in the nose constantly would be a terrible use of her attributes. But everything about the John Wick films is ridiculous and this latest installment is no different.

Medieval dramas involving privately-educated pricks clanking around in armour and doing shit Shakespeare impressions generally aren't my thing, but I fully intended to watch this one. Until, that is, the accents showed up and chose violence. At least when these Southern pricks talk their posh, gilded-spoon-up-the-arse English they're being genuine. Within minutes, American actors are heard drifting between "vaguely British", "confused Irish" and "fella who learned English entirely from watching Black Adder and Braveheart after a night down the pub. It’s like the director told every actor to do an accent but didn't specify which one. Even the British actors are at it. I spent most of my time trying to decipher their vowel choices when I should have been following the plot, which from what I could tell was mostly mud, shouting and Timothée Chalamet looking like a Victorian ghost in his dad's fancy dress outfit. Eventually, with a migraine brewing, I turned it off. Shite.

On my They-Could-Have-Got-A-Fitter-Bird scale, I think they've pretty much smashed it in this. Lily-Rose Depp is the perfect combination of good-looking and Looks-Like-Skeletor that fits the bill here perfectly. When the hair and make-up departments aren't trying to make her look like a corpse, she is very shaggable, but here she is as gaunt and as gothic as you'd want. This is a classic vampire film but done modernly with proper cameras and a proper budget. In a world where everyone looks permanently traumatized, everything looks permanently damp, and questionable shadows have people constantly looking over their shoulder with haunted eyes, it reminded me a lot of my early sexual experiences. For what they were trying to achieve, they've absolutely done it. It'll certainly leave you craving sunlight on your skin and a nice warm brew.

This is an interesting film in which you find yourself wondering, "Does shit like this really go on?" The world is mad place - especially in 2026 - so it probably does. These relay workers must have heard some shit. It struck a chord with me how you can have this sort of relationship with someone without ever actually speaking to them on the phone. There are plenty of whispered conversations delivered via burner phones, so in that sense it reminds me a lot of all the time I've spent calling sex lines over the years. There really is nothing more dangerous, intimate, or thrilling than taking the opportunity whilst your wife is in the bath to sneak into the spare bedroom with some tissues and a tub of vaseline to grunt down the phone to a mysterious voice on the other end. It's about secrets, surveillance, paranoia and corporate conspiracies, although disappointing, not once is anyone asked, "So... what are you wearing?"

This is a film about a Hungarian-Jewish Holocaust survivor who gets separated from his family and travels to New York to make a new life for himself. It touches on romance, on hard-work, on the immigrant struggle and, most importantly, on how the only thing László loves more than his wife is concrete. Adrien Brody plays the part very well; you can see in his eyes how torn he is between human connection and the seductive promise of reinforced cement. When he's not thinking about load-bearing walls, he's either re-living his trauma or doing heroin in an attempt to make it through to bed-time. The cinematography and musical compositons are great and you definitely come out of the film feeling like you've experienced something, but what exactly? I'm not so sure. I definitely felt like I wasn't clever enough to be the films intended audience though, which did feel marginally insulting. It's a mad film but worth a watch.

This is the latest installment of the Knives Out franchise, which essentially are feature-length games of Cluedo repackaged for Gen Z who haven't got the patience themselves to sit down and play a board game. Somehow, yet again, every other character is a bigger prick than Benoit Blanc, which takes some doing. You know the format, it's been done since the dawn of time. Some cunt comes to a sticky end and we have to figure out who's done it... Yeah, I know. There's smug rich people, deceit and dodgy accents aplenty, although, again, it's a let down compared to the original Knives Out, which had Ana de Armas in it, so of fucking course it's not going to be as good as that.

I love getting the train. There's something about sitting there, staring out the window and seeing the world shoot by that inspires melancholy, and in a fast-moving world where you don't have time for anything, I very much appreciate that. I also enjoy eyeing-up good-looking women on the train and imagining an entire shared life together. I like to ask myself, "Where would we go on Honeymoon?", "How many kids would we have?" and, "Why hasn't she looked my way once?" And thus, more melancholy as I mourn a relationship that lasted exactly three stops. This film, too, is very much about the melancholy, about life choices, about doing your best and about consequence. It's slow but in a good way, and I enjoyed seeing a glimpse into how people lived in that part of the world at that point in time. Worth a watch.

The morale of this story is that all women are cray-cray. I know I may be overstating that, but come on. We've all had girlfriends and wives long enough to know that this is the case. In many cases, it's not even their fault; it's the hormones. But that doesn't stop it being true. I'm obviously joking here because Annie Wilkes is spectacularly unwell, but you know what I mean. You didn't watch Jaws and then think that all fish will fuck you up given the chance, did you? It's not out of order to suggest that Kathy Bates (as Annie) delivers here one of the most iconic performances in cinema history. I, like Annie, despise continuity errors in fiction but are they punishable by death? Well, that's for you to decide. Annie has certainly made her mind up. The genius of Misery is how it weaponises home comforts. A cosy house, a comfortable bed and a bottle of wine with your meal all seem well and good until you've got a smirking psychopath offering you a biscuit with a scalding cup of tea so close to your face. This is the most realistic horror film you'll probably ever see and therefore it deserves a lot of respect.

Watching this is like being trapped in the mind of a bad man who thinks collecting women like football cards is the most entertaining game ever, especially when off your face. It's one of the most misogynistic films you'll ever see, and given everything we know about Hollywood, that's saying something. In fact, I think that's what Irvine Welsh set out to do. Imagine a person whose entire personality was contempt for women and you've got the main character in this. I think we're meant to be repulsed by it rather than to celebrate it, so if you actual enjoy this, then you're a massive twat. I bet if your teenage nephew watched it, it'd be his favourite film ever. The only person Bruce hates more than he hates women is himself. It is grimy, chaotic and aggressively Scottish, yet, somehow, paints a portrait of a man on a path to self-destruction bringing as many others down with him as he can. I recognised all of that, yet I didn't like it, because of all the above, which is strange, because I hate women as much as anyone.

This is basically what From Dusk Till Dawn would have been if you'd ordered it off Alibaba. It, like From Dusk Till Dawn, is basically a film in two parts, where the first part is all serious and setting the scene and the second part is, well, fucking vampires. Both films have fantastic lighting based in wooden shacks, and both contain numerous people of questionable morals and pits them up against a bunch of bloodsucking baddies. Neither do the shift from part one to part two subtly and that's sort of the point. More films should follow this arc. Imagine Andy fretting all that time in Shawshank prison, only so that when he eventually emerges, covered in shit, from that pipe, and with his hands to the sky, a fucking vampire jumps on his back and rips out his throat! Now you're talking! Or Gladiator whereby, instead of tigers coming out the ground to munch on Maximus, they instead released vampires! I'd watch that. Or imagine Ripley getting to LV-426 and she's greeted by a bunch of - actually, no; that can't be improved upon. The big-titted, cocoa-skinned elephant in the room, though, is that there's no Salma Hayek equivalent. Sinners has plenty of dancing and plenty of menace, but nothing quite as delightful as Hayek shimmying to the enchanting melody of After Dark. But really, has there ever been? I don't think so, so good on them for not even trying. There is one plot hole bigger than the Grand Canyon in this though, but when another plot point is vampires, you can't really question too much.

Have you ever wondered how the biggest popstars in America would have coped on Pop Idol? Well watch this and you'll know. It documents the moments that they were brought together to sing a song in an attempt to save starving Africans. The most interesting bit is how they interact with each other, how they try to out-do each other and, crucially, how they deal with realising they're not the biggest talent in the room. Some, like Springsteen and Lauper, shine despite not being the most gifted and others, like Dylan, spend the entire time looking for a rock on the ground to climb under. Good on him for even showing up, and fair fucks to the lot of them for doing their bit right into the early hours.

Have you ever, whilst watching the original Predator, asked yourself, "I wonder how the Predator got to be such a good hunter and all round magnificently hard bastard?" No? Me neither. Because that's what this film tries to explain, as it delivers a teenage Predator with an attitude to some mad planet even more deadly than Australia. Imagine God had got bored of creating Earth after a couple of days and instead went on a bender; that's what this place is like. It's the latest of a long line of classic movies that have been remade for a new idiot generatiion. I didn't like it much at all and I own a Predato-themed Christmas t-shirt.

We all know the story here. Dr Frankenstein creates a monster out of nothing but ambition, human limbs and bits and bobs from his garage. The outcome is an overly dramatic nine foot tall indestructible human-like creature with a degree in Philosophy. I watched this weeks ago and haven't been able to summon even an iota of motivation to write a review for it. That about sums it up. Just a big fat bowl of nothingness which left me inspired to do absolutely sweet FA; not even provide a few sentences of spite for The Internet. If you're into fog and lightning and damp surfaces, then sure, you may dig it, but it wasn't for me. I love Oscar Isaac too, and I'd watch anything he's in. It's just a shame he chose to be in this because it's very average.

The first Den of Thieves was great because it was a bunch of hard men robbing banks under immense tension then shooting their way out of the trouble they'd got themselves into. That's the sort of action film we all want to see. This sequel is just stupid and loud. Gerard Butler stumbles around confused most of the time looking like he's dealing with concussion whilst playing a game of chicken with heart disease. The plot is a fucking joke and the baddy is so criminally Disney-evil that I half expected him to break into song and dance at one point. This is not a film for serious people.

It's impossible not to adore Kenny Dalglish. He is one of life's good guys and, for me, as a Liverpool fan, he is so much more. The club's greatest ever legend and, as far as I'm concerned, the greatest living Scouser, despite having been born in Glasgow. This film goes some way to showing why he is so loved by so many, Liverpool fans, football fans, and human beings in general. What a guy. Absolutely worth watching, despite your football allegiances.

There's something inexplicably watchable about Colin Farrel. I've always thought that, despite him now having been in some dreadful films. Of late, he's been generally playing the worn out, middle-aged drunk, which is a big change from his early days of him playing the hunk. And it's more of the same here, although it's not even that entertaining. I'd say it's like the worst hangover you've ever had becoming sentient and booking a trip to Macau, but that makes it sound too appealing. It felt to me like a bunch of independent short stories based around the same character using the same actor, but with the only thing to connect them being the beautiful cinematography. There is a sniff of a storyline but it's all over the place and indulges some massive leaps of faith over some monumental crevasses, meaning generally it comes across as an awful whiff. Avoid.

War has never before been so horny. Immediately at the start of this, you're wondering, "What's going on here exactly?" and "Why does that man have an erection?" I see what they were trying to do, but really? I mean, I've never used a firearm in the bedroom but, you know? The film follows the same pattern as most of my Tinder dates; it starts off with sexual tension and threats, continues on with confusion and tears and then ends with someone passed out having unspeakable things done to them by people in masks. It's a single dad raising his daughter by himself using obsolete Bond gadgets whilst artillery is dropped all around him. It's Paul Thomas Anderson's attempt at Pulp Fiction or The Departed and despite using a bazooka, he misses the target. There's not enough time invested making you care about the characters and too many questions left unanswered. Christmas Adventurers?! Say what now? You may like it, but I left disappointed.

You know what winds me the fuck up? How often I see some North Face wearing, low-level drug-dealing scallies walking around town with an absolutely stunning girlfriend. These gobshites have no ambition, no charm, no emotional availability and no job. Yet their birds are fit as fuck!? Make it make sense. Anyway, this is the sort of film a 13 year-old lad would watch and think is great. It'll probably inspire them to become a drug dealer when really it should be doing the exact opposite. I've been there myself; I loved Scarface as a kid, but at least that's a good film. This, on the other hand, is a load of rehashed, seen-it-all-before shite. They didn't even make the main character likeable. Jib.

This film combines two of my favourite things, a nice walk in the countryside - fresh air, birdsong, maybe a pub or two - and point blank executions using a carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon. Walking, they say, is the safest form of exercise. Not when you're walking side-by-side with the Grim Reaper it isn't. This is a bit like the hunger games for lazy people, where you're being handed fresh water one minute then wiping your new pal's brains off your face the next. It'll certainly leave you questioning your footwear each morning as you pull them onto your feet. Will these things really take me 300 miles if required? I loved the book so it was always going to be tough for the film to meet my expectations, but it was alright. I have no hate for it but it also didn't blow me away. Definitely worth a watch though.

When I was born, apparently I had a red birth mark on the end of one of my index fingers, so the nurses at the hospital said I looked like E.T. I was told this numerous times as a kid and it did wonders for my self-confidence, as you can imagine. Why wouldn't you want to look like a short wrinkly space raisin with a massive head? It really is no surprise his best friend kept him locked in a cupboard, is it? This is an absolute classic though, and if you think otherwise, you're wrong. It did introduce me, from an early age, to the idea that the government are bastards. And, to be fair, this is something that has both helped me a great deal in my life and, sadly, it is now more truer than ever.

This had all the required hype, excellent imdb ratings and Josh Brolin, which meant I went into it with high hopes. Sadly, it was very disappointing; almost as disappointing as your mum telling you that your creepy aunt is coming to stay for the weekend, which is basically what starts all the problems in this. There is very little logic, loads of loose ends and plenty we've all seen before multiple times. Sadly, it turns out that Josh Brolin can be in shit films. The only thing it truly nailed is the idea that family are, indeed, the real curse.

Did you enjoy the bit of The Martian where Matt Damon is trying to grow potatoes on another planet? Yeah? Well then you'll enjoy this. Somehow, despite being on Earth, Mads Mikkelsen finds an environment less forgiving than Mars. He has to contend with barren soil, soul-crushing weather, frost, AWOL workers, theivery and the biggest prick of a spoilt land owner you've ever seen. I haven't hated anyone this much since Joffrey Baratheon. Can't a man just be left to grow some potatoes in peace? It's like Pride and Predjudice meets There Will Be Blood and will leave you thinking, "Fuck the potatoes. Eat the rich!" Mads Mikkelsen’s simmering glare deserves special mention too. If looks could kill, indeed.

This is the heartwarming story of Adam Sandler proving he can fall out bed, throw on a hoody and still earn millions of pounds for reading some lines. He doesn't even need a golf club or a stupid accent in this one. As you may have guessed, he's not my favourite actor, but he doesn't act like some mentally-challenged teenager in this, at least. The gist is he's a basketball scout who comes across some giant street baller in Spain and decides he can train him to reach the NBA. That's basically all you need to know. I know nothing of basketball and despise Adam Sandler, yet I didn't hate it. The sort of film you do the ironing to, or browse Vinted to, or whatever else mundane shit you do with your evenings.

This is a chaotic rise-and-fall story about how you can be leading the pack one minute and then be lagging behind with two fucked knees the next. The BlackBerry was, at one time, so addictive it was nicknamed the “Crackberry”, until Apple came along and made it look like a calculator you'd get with a toddler's playset. It’s got stuttering nerds with dreams, a CEO with the subtlety of a punch to the throat, and enough awkward office energy to power a thousand IT Christmas parties. It’s a portrait of a world before TikTok, before infinite doomscrolling, and, crucially, before Steve Jobs woke up one morning and said, Fuck keyboards!""

If you told me the script for this was written by a group of stoned morons locked in a garage with nothing but custard creams, Red Bull, and vague memories of the first movie - with the goal of writing the worst film there's ever been - I’d believe you. This film makes Sharknado look like The Shawshank Redemption. Danny Boyle has either lost his mind, lost a bet, or is conducting some kind of psychological experiment on the audience. I genuinely believe he's testing the theory that he can make any old shite and people will pay to see it. To be fair, the signs were there with the opening ceremony of the London Olympics. It's not just bad; it's proudly, let-me-rub-my-shit-in-your-face bad. It's like Byker Grove meets The Hunger Games where the aim is to kill as many paraplegic Mr Blobbys as you can. And that's the good bit. The rest is best consumed on crystal meth. I must have asked myself numerous times, "What the fuck has that got to do with anything?" about six times. I don't think the frown left my face for the entire 115 minutes. And there was literally no point casting Jodie Comer for the role as the mum. I certainly won't be watching the follow up, which, I guess based on the size of the schlong on the Alpha zombie, will be called 28 Inches Later.

This is the story of how Superman flew too close to the sun; and then a horse absolutely humbled him. It tells the hauntingly ironic tale of how the most perfect jawline in cinema went from leaping tall buildings in a single bound to needing a team of specialists just to sneeze. It's a grim reminder that spines are important. When the Man of Steel can be fucked over this easily, you know what chances that gives the rest of us. This documentary traces Reeve’s journey from cape-sporting icon to a fella who could no longer scratch his own balls. And yet, he treats paralysis less like a death sentence and more like a rebrand. Think about that the next time you stub your toe and need a mental health day. It's a story of success, of family, of bravery, of determination and of duty. It goes to show that no matter how healthy you are, how strong you are, how rich you are or how hopeful you can be, life can just fuck you right up the arse in the most sinister of ways. But, still, Reeve - with the love and help of his family - used the one thing he did have, his voice, to fight for something he believed in. And in doing so he achieved so much more than you ever will, you lazy, able-bodied good-for-nothing bastard.

I can't really say anything funny about this because innocent people being gunned down isn't funny. Unless they're black, of course. But, no, seriously, this is grim. It shows video footage recorded by both the people at the festival and the Hamas soldiers doing the murdering. It doesn't try to force a political viewpoint on you throughout, and none of the victims say much about that, which gives the whole thing a degree of authenticity about the events of the day and the impact its had on their lives. One thing I will say though, is that pretty much every Israeli vicim is attractive. Even the blokes. So if it weren't such a fucking mess over there, I'd consider taking my dick over there for the weekend.

Nothing brings a family together quite like a dying parent, and by “together” I mean stuck in a tiny apartment, passive-aggressively arguing over who Dad loved the least whilst wanting to rip each other's heads off. What represents sibling rivalry more than pretending you're fine and silently judging each other's life choices while someone slowly dies in the next room? What's not to enjoy about watching fully grown women regress into teenage versions of themselves while trying to manage adult diapers and hospice paperwork? You can almost spot the moment they begin to understand why Dad spent so much time at the pub. It brings home the deeply grim realisation that the people with which you must experience one of the darkest moments of your life - the same people you've shared beds with, cried with and laughed with - somehow, after all these years, are absolutely nothing like you. And how, crucially, you can't fucking stand any of them. The comfort, at least, is that they, too, are hurting. The real victory here is that at least you won't have to visit them at Christmas anymore.

This is the feel-good family comedy of the year! Just kidding. It's awful; not awful as a film, but awful in what it reveals about the human condition. The true genius of the film lies in how little it shows and how much it implies. It doesn't need to actually show anything, because we all know what horrors occurred on the other side of them walls. It goes a long way to answering the sort of questions you've never thought to ask. Like what do the most evil people in history like to do in their spare time? Where do they like to holiday? Do they bother locking their doors at night? And, most upsettingly, is that the sausages I can smell burning on the BBQ or something else? You'll find answers to all those things here. You'll even see how they read to their kids at night and that they genuinely love their dogs, all of which is just absolutely horrifying knowing what we know. These monsters fold laundry and sip their tea at breakfast, before heading into work to commit genocide. It's the weight of that barbarity that will linger with you. Having said all that, the real horror here is Hess' hair cut. He deserves all he got for that alone.

I've always said that art is gay and this film proves me right. It brilliantly captures the sensual act of seeing deep into another's soul and putting what you see tenderly on paint, with each soft caress and firm thrust of your moist brush. It's watchable because both women are attractive and therefore I certainly wouldn't hesitate to caress or thrust in their general vicinity, however, it is in French and it's based before Duke Nukem 3D came out, so you may not dig it. It's about how making sustained eye contact with someone and spending too long with them on a windy beach - without laying eyes on a man - can impact you. It's nearly two hours of cliff top walks, candlelit sexual tension, passionate glances and sketching of a lover’s ear like it's the Sistine Chapel. I nearly turned it off at the hairy armpit scene; especially as the screen faded to black shortly after and all I saw in the reflection of my TV was my own scrunched up, disgusted face staring back at me. But alas, I soldiered on, because I'm a fucking hero.

Violence against women is one of my favourite hobbies so I thought I'd enjoy this. However, I turned it off before the hour mark. Shite.

You know me well enough by now to know that I'm going to say that they should have got a fitter bird. But, actually, should they? Strippers are always nice looking from afar but always have a bit of a face concern as you get up close. Not that I know many strippers, nor do I frequent their establishments, obviously. But you know what I mean. In casting for this role they needed someone who had a majestic arse - because, let's be real, that's the most important thing - who could dance and also speak Russian. So they've actually done quite well with the casting. I mean, she won the fucking Osacar for her performance, so who the fuck am I to question it. But this is a decent film; very original, which I like. There's also lots of shagging, plenty of laughs and a tremendously liberal use of the word fuck, all of which I also like. But ultimately it gives you a glimpse into two worlds you don't normally see; that of a spoilt rich Russian prick and that of a stripper, which, as you may guess, is a rags‑to‑riches tale that ultimately gets very sad. And, again, if you know me at all by now, you'll now that melancholy is what really gets me off.

If From Dusk Till Dawn and The Exorcist had a baby, and that baby had fangs, tap shoes, and a taste for human jugulars, you'd get this film. Much like From Dusk Till Dawn, it quickly pirouettes from one type of film into an entirely different type of film, one that has lots of blood, lots of beheadings and lots of cheesy bad guys getting their comeuppance. Other people's kids are bastards; we all recognise that. And minding them is always a fucking chore, but at least, so far anyway, none of ever tried to end my shit altogether. Set in a gothic mansion full of hardwood floors and awful lighting choices, the vibe is good and the deaths are enjoyable... But, alas, I got bored, and off it went about an hour in. I suggest you just watch From Dusk Till Dawn instead.

This is a perfect allegory about why you shouldn't ever make friends with strangers on holiday. Maybe your kids get on and maybe they're generous with their trips to the bar, but maybe they're fucking serial killers too? The first hour delivers extreme tension and more social awkwardness than at an IT department's Christmas party, but then, towards the conclusion, it gets stupid. James McAvoy is great - as always - but I couldn't wait for it to finish by the end. Worth a watch for the most part but ready yourself for the disappointed.

Spoiler Alert: The pope dies at the beginning! I mean, of fucking course he does! That's why there's a conclave at all, you soft twat! The real interesting bit is what goes on after, and, truth be told, no-one's got a fucking clue, because it's the most secret lock-in there's ever been. For all we know, it could be decided with one massive game of rock, paper, scissors. It's got the plot of Succession with the visuals of The Handmaid's Tale and the suspense of Jaws. It's worth a watch, especially for the woke amongst us.

Days of Thunder was one of my favourite films growing up so I expected to like this, and I did. Sonny Hayes is certainly a cool dude but he's not quite Cole Trickle. Trickle - played by Tom Cruise, of course - races for the thrill of it, whereas Sonny Hayes does it to populate a spreadsheet about aerodynamic resistance data for his girlfriend. Sonny Hayes gets ice baths whilst teaching us about teamwork and driver telemetry, whereas Cole Trickle shouts a lot whilst teaching us that gritting your teeth and driving through fire is the answer to all your emotional problems. I've got no interest in F1 as a sport - nor NASCAR for that matter - but this is a good film and worth a watch. Although, I suspect real F1 fans may see too many holes in the plot, but who knows.

This is basically Planet of the Apes: Live at Knebworth, with a sprinking of daddy issues, partying, grief, and regrets. We'd all have been forgiven for thinking that a musical about the life of a CGI ape being narrated by Robbie Williams sounds stupid, but, well, it sort of works. Personally I couldn't give a shit about Robbie Williams' life but this was interesting enough, and some of the choreography is superb. Plus, he's literally banged many of the pop stars I fancied growing up, so he deserves a degree of respect for that, I suppose. Gary Barlow though; what a cock.

This is a documentary about Tim Bergling, AKA Avicii, who got so sick of making chart topping bangers, of traveling the world playing to tens of thousands of people regularly, of the partying and the drinking and the drugs, and of banging fit birds, that he decided to end his life. But seriously, he had demons and they caught up to him in the end, as they often do with the most creative amongst us. And he was right up there amongst the very best. This motherfucker knew how to make a dance tune and the world is a worse place without him in it. Well worth a watch if you've any interest whatsoever in his tunes or, indeed, in the human condition.

This version of America, with no government, with cities on fire being looted whilst tanks roll through shopping malls is one I can see in the very near future. And I don't mean soon as in next year; I mean this afternoon. And almost certainly by Friday. They should have just cast Trump as the President. He'd have jumped at the chance, too, the egotistical cunt. It's basically a bunch of sad war reporters taking pictures of people being blown up in attempt to distract themselves from the bad choices they made earlier in life which resulted in them becoming journalists. The action scenes are great though. It's a bit like playing a immersive game of Call of Duty: Photography Edition with a cast of Kirsten Dunst, an Aldi version of Pedro Paschal and the peado's dream of Cailee Spaeny, a grown woman who looks about 12. It will probably leave you wondering when exactly does speculative fiction become prophecy?

This film is basically one big build up to what promises to be one of the the greatest, most epic, testosterone-fueled, come-and-have-a-go-if-you-think-you're-hard-enough cock-offs between (not so) good and (very very) evil in cinema history, and then right at the moment of climax - as you sit there, with your dick in your hand - it's over having never actually happened. What promised to be the most brutal, sweatiest, knife-and-bullet-drenched battle in history is over in the switch from one scene to the next. It's like having your girl spending all month telling you you're getting the greatest blowjob of your life for your birthday, promising that you can abuse her mouth in every way imaginable and then finish wherever you want, then, when the day arrives, saying, "But wouldn't it be more interesting if I just didn't suck your dick?" If you could dress a tornado in a giant's clothes, give it the worst haircut in the world and unleash it on West Texas, that's the character that Javier Bardem plays superbly in this. And the fact that the face-off with Brolin's character is coming at the end makes the first 90 minutes so suspenseful... And which is why the end is such a disappointment.

My main take away from having watched this film is thus; how the fuck is Timothée Chalamet shagging Kylie Jenner? She's gone from rappers and NBA players to this? Really? Chalamet is short, wiry and as white as can be; he's the complete opposite to her previous boyfriends. But I guess women do that sometimes. Maybe when they inevitably split she should try a different angle? How about a middle-aged, bald, bearded English fella with a dad bod? I happen to be available if she's keen? To be fair to him, Chalamet plays the part of Bob Dylan really well. It's no surpise though, given that both look like little, nerdy, moody goblins that have never played a sport in their lives. Chalamet nails the staring, the mumbling, the singing and the harmonica playing. Plus, if you created a physique in the lab with the sole purpose of wearing skinny jeans, it'd be Chalamet's, so he smashes that too. Good on him though; Kylie Jenner is fit. And he's obviously got her Blowin' in the Wind, out of the wind and everywhere in between. I'd do the same.

If you thought the Titanic was the biggest thing ever to go down in the Atlantic, you clearly haven’t met Stockton Rush’s ego; a force so massive, no iceberg - nor no regulation - could deter it. This is a man that stared down the combined knowledge of marine engineers and safety regulators - not to mention the laws of fucking physics - and said, “No thanks, I’ve got a Xbox controller and a dream.” It's a cautionary tale narrated by hubris itself, dressed in a Patagonia fleece and armed with a PowerPoint presentation on "Why Regulation is for Cowards". He dismisses safety standards like a teenager refusing to wear a seatbelt because it kills the vibe. It's like watching Elon Musk trying to get to Mars by attaching rockets to an air fryer, using YouTube tutorials and whatever he can find in your dad's shed. The only thing he's pioneered are new methods of idiocy and catastrophic failure. What a fucking whopper.

This kicks off with Cillian Murphy waking up alone in bed, confused, dehydrated, surrounded by mess and wondering, "Where am I?", "What the hell happened?" and, most importantly, "Where the fuck are my clothes?" So in that sense, it's the most relatable opening to a movie ever. We've all been there. We know that feeling. The real horror of the moment isn't that there might be rage-infected sprinting maniacs wanting to eat your face, it's that you can't find your phone. If you're lucky, it's nearby - on the floor perhaps - without charge. If you're not, it isn't. Unfortunately, this film has aged terribly. Watching it nowadays feels like trying to stream a zombie apocalypse through a potato. It may have been considered a low-budget masterpiece in 2002 but in 2025 it looks like it was filmed on a Nokia N90 whilst it resided in a smudged full-of-beer pint glass. Much of it is so blurry that you'll start wondering, do I need to reboot my router? Or am I just having a stroke? By the end, my retinas and my visual cortex were plotting, together, a formal complaint. Stick with the sequel; it's much better.

Let's be straight from the off; this film is too long. And even so, the first hour is rushed. They probably should have made it two films. But I hate when they do that, so maybe not. The first half is an editing disasterclass as they switch from scene to scene to scene at alarming speed. I'm pretty sure I spent the second half of the film recovering from the whiplash I'd received during the first half. Maybe if I'd eaten an entire bowl of some of that extra-strong highly caffeinated coffee that comes in bags and gets advertised on those Bro Podcasts beforehand, I've have kept up, but I doubt it. It slows marginally in the second half but then it just keeps going. And going. It’s exactly what you expect a Mission Impossible film to be, but longer. Cruise does his trademark run, of course, but why run for two minutes when you can run for ten? At one point he tries to chase down a plane for Christ's sake. With a bad guy that looks like César Millán’s demented twin brother and an entire squadron of gravely-voiced military guys who simply have to wear shirt and tie to hold their vocal cords in place, it certainly hits many of the action movie tropes. But I left feeling less like I'd experienced an action movie and instead that I'd completed some extreme endurance test. They do fit in a decent Hayley Atwell down-blouse, though, so, there's that.

This film is further proof - following on from The Gentlemen - that Hugh Grant is at his best when he ditches rom-coms and propositioning prostitutes. His performance could only get more British if he was drinking tea, eating fish and chips and singing Mary Poppins songs between sinister monologues. His unsettling politeness, lingering smile and subtle menace make him as terrifying as any traditional horror baddy. As with a lot of films - especially horrors - the ending doesn't quite meet the standards of the first hour or so, hence my rating. Worth a watch, though, no doubt.

I loved this as a kid because when you're eight, the idea of knights, swords, witches, magic and monsters is just fascinating, isn't it? Less so the idea of baby-snatching but I saw past that, to be honest. Val Kilmer is at his rockstar best and there's enough 80s fantasy cheese to fill a substantial witches pot for a big fuck-off fondue. The real highlight, though, is the showdown between the two ancient sorceresses, as they go full WWE — throwing each other around and throttling one another like the Enchantercontinental belt is for grabs. Very little is as entertaining as two grandmas slapping, clawing, and spell-slamming each other into oblivion.

This is your standard American war <strike>propaganda</strike> film, packed full of every war movie cliché, each in full combat gear, grunting and whilsting The Star-Spangled Banner. With explosions, Skinnies, drifting tanks, snipers and more yelling than your parents managed every Friday night once your dad got back from the pub, it'll certainly maintain your interest. It's not - in my opinion - quite as decorated as Black Hawk Down but it's in the same squadron. Hooah!

This film is all about how absolutely batshit crazy women are. We all know it; we've all endured it in the past. Women even know it themselves. Most of them revel in it. They love to push your buttons. To watch as you suffer the latest verbal blow, to watch as you slow blink, to see the rage bubble up from your belly and catch in your throat. It's right at that moment that they'll execute the finishing move. One crisp, cutting lyrical dagger straight to your heart. It's then that your pride takes over. It's then that all the years of shit are realised at once, in a ball of fury so fierce that you can't control it. You feel it moving across your diaphragm, up to your shoulder and down your arm, burning, burning as it goes. It ultimately ends up at your fist, and try as you might to squeeze it away, it burns ever brighter. Your arm begins to shake with the wrath. At this stage, there's no going back. The only verdict is vengeance, delivered swiftly by your knuckles, to the bridge of her nose. She won't get up but she will cry, sobbing uncontrollably, despite, knowing this was her aim all along. Floored she may be, but she will take the win, knowing she has you in the palm of her hand. You leave her there, victorius, grabbing a beer from the fridge as you go. You try, try, try to drink it all away but you know - and most importantly - she knows, you'll fail miserably, just like the fuck up that you are.

I know the Messi story nearly as well as my own. It's been covered in many documentaries I've seen and many articles and books that I've read, and this is just more of the same, but still, it's worth a watch. Messi is the greatest player to have ever lived. It has been an absolute pleasure to have seen so much of his career.

I nearly turned this off immediately because the first scene is pretty much old people shagging. It was a tough wank but I got through it. The rest of the film was surprisingly entertaining, once you got over the old people shagging, that is. Although when I got in bed that night, the old people shagging was embedded in my eyelids. That was an even tougher wank but I did finally get some sleep. Anyway, it's an interesting thought experiment on the lengths people will go to in order to be successful, the sacrifices that people make in relationships and, indeed, the amount of shit people will put up with to maintain those relationships.

World of Warcraft is for fucking nerds. Let's get that clear straight away. I've played online games myself in past, which, being honest, were also for nerds, but I was young and - I know this may shock you - I was a bit of a nerd back then. Anyway, the point I'm making here is that there's plenty of nerds about who need shit to do with their time. Even better if it involves them interacting with women, something your average nerd never does. Now that I've said all that disparaging shit, I'll admit that I'm delighted that there are online games for people who struggle socially to interact with others. Especially those people who are disabled and/or struggle to make friends in the real world. And this documentary is a celebration of that. Although, the animated scenes nearly had me reaching for the off button, but I persevered because I'm a fucking hero.

I'm so old that back when I was a kid, my mum and dad recorded stuff on VHS tapes - no no that sort of stuff; well, not as far as I've ever discovered, thankfully - and, my dad being my dad, maintained a video list of everything we had. When I was off school sick, I'd generally lash Rocky 4 on, which, was a proper VHS, bought from the shop in it's own branded case. And we had our fucking monies worth out of that, let me tell you. When Rocky was finished, I'd often browse the video list to see what to watch next. One day, I saw a film called Dead Man Walking and thought I'd give it a go, and I liked it. It made teenage me feel mature for enjoying such grown up film. It was probably, in fact, the most grown up film I'd seen at that age. So with that memory occasionally drifting into my conscience, I decided to watch it again. And it's still pretty good.

Tarantino is a weird fella. He is literally that film-obsessed kid that you used to go to school with, who worked in a video store at the weekend, who was always banging on about Korean horror films and throwing out phrases like "film noir" and "cinematography". But because of his obsession and his detailed knowledge of films, of cinema history, of what works and of what audiences enjoy, that motherfucker can make a goddamn good movie. This is a documentary about him and his first eight films, all of which I've seen and largely enjoy, but to varying degrees.

Arguably the greatest game ever made, it deserves a great film being made about it. This, whilst entertaining, isn't quite as good as I'd have hoped though. Still, it's well worth a watch, especially if you grew up playing Tetris back then, like I did. The story of its creation - and how it got into all our hands - is truly crazy; the Soviet Union back then was, indeed, a mad, mad place, and that's what makes this story even crazier.

This is about being a weird kid, about finding your niche, about what happens when you become really really famous and, crucially, about what happens when life kicks back and how you deal with the blows. Michael J Fox used to be one of the coolest dudes alive, but not any more. He's not been given the greatest hand in life, but he's done amazingly well with what he was given.

This is ultimately a love story and I was led to believe that it was something much more interesting than that. I'm not into love stories, but I am into people figuring out their lives and seeing the path people choose to take. I wouldn't recommend it but it wasn't bad either. It's mostly subtitled too, which may not be your thing. How incredibly rude for a South Korean film director to make a South Korean film in South Korea using South Korean actors and for them to have the temerity to speak in their own language! Disgusting.

This guy is a fucking hero with absolutely monstrous balls. What he risked and the way he took on that risk is something to marvel at. It's a shame there aren't more people like him in the world. It would be a much better place if there were.

I first watched this as a kid and the idea of going looking for a dead body was fascinating to me. So I absolutely adored it back then. And the swamp scene made such a huge impact on me that I've never, truly, got over. It seems a bit dated nowadays and the friendships portrayed seem a little cringe, but friendships at that age are a little cringe, aren't they? Now in my 40s, I guess I've forgotten what it was like to be that age. Therefore, for me, after all these years, it's lost a bit of its magic. But, to be fair, haven't we all.

I liked <a href='https://www.whatafilm.net/film/1324'>the first one of these</a> but this one is terrible. I guess it was good because it was original, something you don't see all that much. But, of course, by their very nature, sequels aren't original; that's sort of the point. So yeah, swerve this one, perhaps. It'll only make you hungry anyway.

My expectations for this were low because everything is shit nowadays, isn't it? But especially so modern sequels to old classics. And even more so when you loved the original(s) so much. Doubly so when you first saw them before you even entered your teens, as I did. I wish these pricks would just leave things be. I'm sick of modern Hollywood pulling out a classic from the archives and using a phallic-shaped object to jam it through the modern cinema grinder and seeing what mess comes out the other side. They're doing the same with Gladiator, too. So fuck Ridley Scott, twice over. That'll be shit as well. Motherfucker must need another beach side condo to whittle away the last of his 80s in or something. I know we all love the idea of a new Aliens film and have wondered for years what a sequel to Gladiator or <whatever your favourite film is> would be like, but I think we know now. Next time you're wondering about those things, don't bother, because in all actuality it would most likely be a massive disappointment.

What's Zac Efron done to his face? He looks like he's been injecting those synthetic xenobiotic growth hormones meant for cattle and it's gone directly to his jawline. Once you get past the former pretty boy who's had his face redrawn as a classic comic-book hero, you'll actually quite like this, I reckon. I didn't know anything about the Von Erich family before watching this, which is funny because I was into wrestling when I was a kid. Although, I suppose, I was a kid, and kids generally don't know shit. Once I became a teeneger, I stopped watching wrestling and got into girls, unlike your weird childless uncle who still regularly stays up 'til 4am to watch it. Fucking weird, them fellas.

This is actually very unsettling. The first hour or so was great but those levels weren't quite maintained by the end. I liked it though because it's different to most films, I reckon. I don't watch many horrors nowadays because 99% of them are utter turd, but the reviews for this were good so I gave it a chance. And I'm glad I did. If you'd told me afterwards that it was directed by David Fincher, I'd have believed you. It has that feel to it. So if you're into his stuff, you'll like it. And if you're not into his stuff, the fuck is wrong with you? His stuff is superb. He's due another film out soon actually. Wonder what he's been up?

There's an argument to be made that this is the most 80s film ever made. I know that's a big, big shout, but you know what I mean. For a start, it's got fucking prime Arnie in it, and no-one encapsulates the 80s as much as he does. It's also dystopian, talks about people's obsession with TV, has loads of silly outfits and excellent deaths, and has plenty of daft one-liners, explosions and comedy. It's one of those that just immediately drags me back into childhood. Put it on for some random 15-year-old today and they may say it's shite, but fuck them and their stupid hair. What do they know? It is of a time and for a particular generation, and when you're one of the lucky few - like me - who cares what anyone else thinks?

Never known a cat to play such a major part before. And I fucking hate cats. Never expected it to be as good as the others once I found out that a whole new set of people were behind it, and I was right. The best part about A Quiet Place 2 was the first 20 minutes when the aliens land, so this should have just been that but five times over from five different cities in the world. That would have been a much better watch. Imagine 20 minutes of them fucking people up in as they partied in the Tokyo nightlife followed by 20 minutes of them fucking people up as they eat lunch in London followed by 20 minutes of them jumping from gondola to gondola fucking people up in Venice. No story arc, no heroes, no character development and certainly no fucking love story. Sign me the fuck up to that.

This is exactly what I expected it to be which, generally, isn't a bad thing, but my expectations were low, which almost certainly is. I do like Paul Giamatti but his presence usually means it's a certain type of film. And that type of film isn't for me, although others would disagree. So yeah, if you like him and his films then crack on. If you don't then maybe just lash Aliens on again instead.

This is very slow for the most part and only really gets interesting towards the end. I also feel they could have made it much more interesting by doing a bit more around the accident itself. The accident sort of just happens and we move on quickly from it. A shame.

The best thing about this film is the performance of the actor who plays the father. It's incredible. The film itself is interesting enough but a bit mad in the way that some foreign films can be. I was also pretty disappointed with the ending, so whilst it gains a point due to the father's performance, it loses one because of that.

I really like Paul Mescal and he's great in this too. I had no idea what to expect and, to be fair, I'm just as unsure as to what went on even after seeing it, hence the low score. It's a crazy film but one which I'm pretty sure I'll watch again at some point.

This is about the responsibility of friendship. About love and tenderness. And guilt. It's about peer pressure and coming of age. It's about how others see you and about how you see yourself. It's about parenting and tragedy and how it is always just around the corner. And I'm guessing that'll sound pretty gay to most of you, so maybe give it a miss. I liked it, for the most part, but couldn't recommend it too heartily to most of my friends or I'd be ridiculed, which is a convenient coincidence to the issues raised in it.

The main character is this film stands out for two reasons. The first is that he's the farmer who Colonel Hans Lander terrorises in the opening scene to Inglorious Basterds, which, if you ask anyone with even a dash of movie knowledge will tell you is one of the greatest scenes in cinema history. The second special thing about him - and I use special in a very roundabout away - is that he looks a lot like my older brother. Sort of like the offspring of a silverback and a human. Let's be honest, who really knows what Jane Goodall got up to in the mountains of Tanzania? The 60s were a wild time for sexual, cultural and scientific expermentation? Who's to say she didn't get a chimpanzee high on LSD and let it have her way with her? Not me for sure. Although I'm definitely not saying for sure that it happened either, just in case her lawyers are reading this. But yeah, worth a watch. The film I mean; not human/ape mating videos, although you can find anything on the Internet these days.

This could be the latest in a long line of based-on-a-true-story type films that should, really, just be called How Boss Are Americans Though? God knows what number we'd be up to by now but there would be even more of these than there is in the Too Fast Too Furious franchise.

I enjoyed this for the most part. It's reminded me of Ghost Watch from back when I was a kid. That, like this, got stupid at the end but that, unlike this, was delivered to the brain of a 10 year old who thought it was real. And therefore, that, unlike this, absolutely fucking terrified me. Still, it's pretty well done and is worth a watch.

I like mad foreign films and this is one of them. It's not particuarly mad but it definitely is foreign. Although there's plenty of English spoken too. So maybe not too mad and not too foreign. So actually, I'm talking absolute gubbins, mate. Anyway, I enjoyed it. I won't say too much about the story itself but basically some fella falls off a balcony and they have to determine if he fell, jumped or was pushed. A good bit of it is based inside the courtroom, so if that ain't your jam, then maybe don't bother.

Ridiculous, but it's meant to be, I suppose.

I put this on and literally said to myself outloud, "Let's see how long I last." The answer was 11 minutes. It nearly went off at eight minutes but I thought that would be unfair. Once Emma Stone (who's real name is Emily, don't you know?) started talking, my patience quickly dwindled. If you're a certain type of person - you know... one of those - then you may well enjoy it. Or, at least, tell yourself you did, so you can come across all edgy and whatnot. But I'm not one of those people. I'm not sure why I even put it on but I'm willing to give most things a chance. At least now I can be comfortable in my ignorance, knowing I didn't just immediately dismiss it.

I don't feel like I can even review this properly because it's about the black experience. Well, the experience of a black man fighting against black stereotypes. I've only ever blackfaced once as Mr T back when I was nine years old and I pray for the sake of the political career that I'll never, ever have that those photos don't surface. Although, how much responsibility can you put on a nine-year-old, really? Exactly, you prick. Anyway, I did laugh out loud at this a few times and, of course, Jeffrey Wright is superb. I wouldn't exactly recommend it to people, but it wasn't bad either.

I was so incredibly excited to see this film. Probably the most excited I've been about seeing any other film ever, because the first was just so good. I went on opening day because of fucking course I did, and so no-one had spoiled it in any way for me. However, it went some way to spoiling itself, I discovered. Don't get me wrong; it's a good film and visually it is stunning, but the pacing is all off. The first hour is too slow and the rest is too rushed. Too many assumptions are made, I feel, about what the audience knows. I haven't read the books, mate, I don't know why [ Redacted to avoid spoilers ] or why [ Redacted to avoid spoilers ]! Seems like most other people enjoyed it though, so maybe I'm the problem. Maybe my ex-wife was right. But maybe fuck her and, you know what, maybe fuck you too.

This is about an avalanche that happened in California in 1982, which is strange because - a fucking WHAT in California? They don't have snow in California, you say?! Well, I'm afraid they do. Cali isn't all just beaches, tanned bodies, drug mules and Snoop Dogg, you know. It's a big fucking place and Northern California gets cold as fuck. I've been to San Francisco in May and it was a bit chilly as I was sat atop a tour bus. Was sunny, mind. Anyway, Alpine Meadows is more north than San Fran, but - what the fuck am I on about? I'm not here to teach you a fucking geography lesson. It's worth a watch, partly because we all like to think we'd know exactly how to save ourselves during, say, a fucking avalanche. Well, I've got news for you, buddy, the avalanche don't give one tiny shit abour your plans, as you'll see here.

This is about a man with the largest tape measure in the world measuring the square footage of his house and being pleasantly surprised with his findings. It's good for quite a while and has you guessing what could happen next. Then, IT happens, and you're like, fuck! It then slows down and builds again, although, it does, by the end, get very silly, but these sort of films often do. I can see why some would love it. It's not for me but it's also not terrible. Worth a watch if you're a horror fan.

I loved Gabriel Batistuta when I was growing up. Fiorentina were my Italian team because of him. He was just such a good striker - a complete number nine - and he could proper thundertwat the ball, which is very impressive when you're nine. Purple is still my favourite colour to this day, and him and Fiorentina are probably the main reason why. Him in that purple kit with them flowing locks and the headband. What a fucking fella. Well this film is about him. About him back then and about him now, and about how fucked his ankles are nowadays due to kicking the ball dead hard for years. It's interesting enough but maybe could have been done differently, and by differently, I mean better.

I watched this about three moths ago and I'm still trying to come to terms with it enough to write a review. I have to say, I have genuine concerns for mental wellbeing of the person who wrote this and I sincerely hope their relationship with mother has improved. It is a proper journey of a film. At the start I was laughing out loud but as it goes on, it gets real dark. I think I'm going to watch it again. It's one of those that stays with you.

For starters, this is worth watching for the plane crash alone. And no, that's not a fucking spoiler, you arsehole. That's like saying talking about the ship sinking in Titanic is a spoiler. Anyway, the rest is very good, too. It portrays the mire they find themselves in so well that I actually felt cold watching it, whilst sat in my warm living room wrapped in a deluxe blanket. At one point, I felt so bad for them, I had to go and make myself a hot chocolate. When you know the story as well as most of us know this story, it's a tough job to make the film interesting enough, but it certainly does. I enjoyed it and the dubbing on Netflix was very good too.

This is about backing singers and the importance they have played in some of the biggest songs in history, especially in the 70s. Many of these are incredibly talented and deserve as much fame and fortune as any artist you could name, but it just didn't work out that way for some. It's a reminder that sometimes talent and hard work alone just aren't enough.

Your bog-standard Gerard Butler action film. I need not say any more.

I watched this expecting it to be shit and guess what? It was shit. You know the script; you've seen it all before. Woman becomes possessed and starts doing mad shit. And by mad shit I mean trying to kill all her loved ones. There is nothing unqiue about this. Shite.

Do yourself a favour and just watch <a href='film/109'>Man On Wire</a> instead. It's so much better than this.

I enjoy time travel films generally but I did not enjoy this one. It got too into it too soon. Where's the foreplay for fuck's sake? Don't just jam it in dry; lube me up a bit; make me wet. I turned it off after 30 minutes. It's only a shame time travel isn't real so I couldn't get that time back.

It became very apparent very early on, to me at least, that the woman who wrote this probably loves writing raunchy Harry Potter fanfiction in which they are all fucking each other all the time. She's probably got particularly excited by one of her stories and thought, "You know what? There might be something in this!" So she's tweaked it ever so slightly to make it marginally more realistic, then decided to pitch it to Netflix, who have then swallowed her bullshit wholeheartedly. It's not a bad film, but I'm not gullible enough to enjoy it too much either. I'm sure plenty of virgin teenagers will, though, which, let's be honest, is Netflix's target audience. An incessant gripe of mine, too, is when a non-Scouse actor tries to do a Scouse accent, so that can fuck off an' all.

When you're a lad born in the 70s or 80s, you just love Stallone. He was a hero with many faces - unfortunately all with that dodgy smile - when we were growing up. Most actors would kill to land a role like Rocky or Rambo. Stallone did both, amongst others. Rocky 4 was my Go To film when I was off school sick as a kid. I honestly believe I've watched it 100 times. It's still as good now as ever. This is a good little glimpse into his life then, his life now and the person he is. It won't blow you socks off but it's worth a watch.

I adore David Fincher and Fassbender, too, is exceptional viewing, so I was expecting a lot from this. Sadly, it wasn't as good as I was expecting.

Everyone of a certain vintage remembers the TV show Lost. It was brilliant. For a while, at least. If you've never seen it - surely fucking not, but let's pretend - it's about a bunch of people who end up on a desert island after a plane crash and all this mad shit starts happening. And the best bit of it is the anticipation about what's going to happen next and, importantly, why all this mad shit is happening. It's the why that keeps you interested. Why the black smoke? Why the polar bear? Why the button? And yet, they drag the why out. They get their monies worth out of the why and then they wring it for more value. Which, ultimately - like a Ugandan dollar - diminishes the value of the why eventually. Diminishes it to the point of valuelessness. We all lost interest in the why eventually because most of the mad shit was never explained. But why am I talking about Lost, you may ask? Because this is a feauture length version of Lost. Plenty of why and very few answers. We all need some why or what's the point? I enjoyed it, for the most part, and was very into the why, but the ending is a kidney blow as you're looking over your shoulder for the why.

Who doesn't love Benecia Del Toro? I'd probably watch anything he's in. He delivers the killer line in one of the greatest scenes in film history in Usual Suspects and he is also excepional in the tremendous Sicario. This though, isn't great. It's not bad; it's just average, hence me giving it a 5, because that would make sense on a rating out of 10, wouldn't it, you fucking window licker? Did you not listen at school or something? Anyhow, I wouldn't get too excited if I were you.

Did you know that the word chiesa is Italian for church? I heard that once as a kid on Channel 4's Football Italia and it has always stuck with me. Back then, James Richardson was talking about Enrico Chiesa, who is Federico's dad. I liked Enrico (he was part of that fantastic 90s Parma team) and I also like Federico. This is the story of how he came back from an ACL injury. I enjoy sports documentaries but this was a bit of a let down. It was informative, I suppose, in that it shows the sheer amount of work these fellas put in to recover from these sort of injuries. So good on him. But yeah, it won't have you off your seat.

It's Halloween today, which means we all get to do the usual fun Halloween routine, from rushing home from work whilst trying to avoid bonetting any kids to throwing toast down our necks whilst dressing our own little bastards in whatever shit outfit they demanded to wear this year. From the strange guilt you feel from sending your kids down another garden path to knock on a stranger's door, feeling like some sort of noncey pimp whilst the heavens drench you to the three-hour bedtime routine we'll have to endure as the little twats can't sleep after all the sugar they've consumed. Ah Halloween. What's not to love? But yeah, a perfect time to review a scary film. And you know what? This one's not too bad. I despise horrors nowadays but this is decent, although it does get a bit silly at the end. If you're not spending all night on Instagram seeking out pictures of scantily-clad women a couple of decades younger than you dressed in slutty horror-themed outfits - my personal favourite Halloween past time - then you should maybe watch this.

The is possibly the most rushed film I've ever seen. It's like they made the film then realised it was five hours long, so they had to compress it into two hours. It would have probably worked much better as a six part Netflix or Prime series that moved at a much slower pace. I didn't even know what was going on a lot of the time. There was so little background put into any of the characters that I just wasn't invested in them at all either. And I'm not entirely sure why the kid was so special, because even that was the result of a quick conversation where some random fella - who also gets the briefest of introductions - says she is special. This is a key point of the whole film; perhaps spend more than 11 seconds on it, ey guys? There also is limited emphasis on other key plot points - like what caused the war in the first place, amongst others - and I very nearly missed it. Had I not been in the cinema for this, I probably would have turned it off.

Anyone who frequents this site even semi-regularly will know how much I adore Ana De Armas. Well, I'm going to be honest here, because we're mates, you and I. I only watched this film because someone told me Ana De Armas is "proper slutty" in it. Say no more, my man. I shall watch it tonight. And watch it tonight, I did. It has a score of 5.5 on IMDB which, if you ask me, is fairly generous. And I knew that going in; but, yet, Ana De Armas being slutty would convince me despite the rating. It could have scored a 1.8 and I'd still have banged it on. It's a shit film but I'd still recommend it because, my God, she really is fucking incredible.

This is my sort of jam. It's about a woman - now grown up - thinking back to a holiday she had as a kid with her troubled dad, who, we are led to believe, is no longer around, and what impact that may have had on her. It's very well done - some, I'm sure, would say it's slow - but it's subtle, and I like that, because life is in the small moments. It ended with me just wanting to give them both a big hug, because parenting is hard, and losing parents is hard. And fucking hell, life is hard. And if we only knew what was coming. Maybe some do and maybe that's why they get off the ride. I'll be watching it again soon. I suggest you do, too.

This is the story of a cave diver who, whilst out one day casually breaking the record for the deepest cave dive ever, comes across the body of some soft cunt who died years earlier diving the same cave. And being the hero that he is, he decides to retrieve the body, as you do. So he gathers loads of his cave-diving mates together and they dive down and bring the body back to the surface. What a heart-warming story. Except, no, hang on. That's not right, is it? He only goes and fucking dies himself doing it, doens't he? Now who's the soft cunt? I feel this film would have been MUCH better had they kept some mystery about the outcome. Maybe, you know, don't fucking title the sodding film, Dave Not Coming Back. Perhaps, Dave Maybe Coming Back or Dave Gone Done Fucked Up? Anyway, it's worth a watch, and good on Dave for having a go. And he sort of achieved what he set out to accomplish anyway. It just would have been better for all concerned had he not died himself whilst doing it.

No-one reads any more, do they? Do you? I mean, some must, mustn't they? Because books are still a thing and beatsellers are still a thing and books are still something that Amazon sells, although Amazon sells fucking everything nowdays, from cherry flavoured lube to diamoned-tipped brillbits and 12-foot high beachballs that will most likely kill actual people if ever taken to an even slightly breezy beach. And let's be honest, have you ever been on a beach that isn't breezy? Anyway, I ask this question because there's a book about this case - called People Who Eat Darkness – and I read it a decade ago, and it's a fantastic book. I very much enjoy true crime, I very much enjoy hearing about young attractive women being slayed and so I very much enjoyed this book. So my advice to you is, to read the book, rather than watch this. But then, for visuals, maybe watch this too. Oh I don't know. Fucking do whatever you want.

I'm quite old now. My girlfriend reminds me of it all the time. She is 10 years younger than me though, so she's allowed. She says shit sometimes that makes me feel even older. But her experiences of big events is quite different, because she's 10 years younger than me. Like, for example, she was a single digit age when 911 happened. So she basically has only ever known a world in which 911 had happened, because she's 10 years younger than me. How fucking mad is that? I was an adult - just - when that happened so I find it hard to fathom how there are grown ups nowadays - some who are even more than 10 years younger than me, like my girlfriend - who only ever knew a post-911 world. But then I only ever knew a post-Man-on-the-moon world, so that may be mad to my parents. Anyway, after seeing the reviews, I expected this to be terrible but it wasn't, you know; it was alright. But yeah, my girlfriend is 10 years younger than me. Did I mention that? Boss isn't it.

This is a fascinating story of incredibly clever men - yes, the world was momunmentally misogynistic back then - pushing the absolute boundaries of human knowledge and capability, trying to outsmart and outwit each other in order to build a world-altering weapon of war. You should absolutely see it. However, I was left a little disappointed. There is a whole story arc that I would have omitted entirely from the film, which would have made it much shorter and much more entertaining, in my humble opinion. But I understand why it's in there, because it is is a massive part of his story. The use of sound and silence throughout is a marvel though.

Every time I write a review for a Tom Cruise film, I marvel at how he's still doing all this sort of shit at his age. So I'm not going to do that this time. Instead, pull up a chair and let us marvel at how people keep letting him do all this mad shit. Can you imagine the insurance involved? How much would it cost to ensure a daredevil megastar like Tom Cruise to jump off a mountain or to stand up on a train moving at 80 mph?! Instead let's marvel at the wonder of health and safety practices, because, let's be honest, he isn't going to die, is he? And that's because there are whole teams of people responsible for making sure that doesn't happen. And that, in itself, is something to appreciate. I mean, imagine it did happen. Imagine he actually died. I'd be disappointed, sure, because I like his films, but you do have to admit, it would be just a little, tiny bit funny, wouldn't it?

I don't believe in God or heaven or hell or anything like that, but the idea that we are all souls occupying skin suits is something I could believe, which then opens the door to all the other stuff, I suppose. I do believe that people are born a certain way and that along with a combination of your genes and your environment, you end up becoming a certain type of person. I like films like this usually; it's a bit mad and based in some random netherworld that obviously doesn't exist, but I like the premise. It's questions what sort of soul is best prepared for the world and what impact a life lived would have on an unprepared soul. It could have been better, though.

Arnie was a The Man when I was a kid. Still is, in fact. I adored all his films back then and still adore many nowadays. I look forward to the day I sit my two boys down and delight them with their first ever viewing of Commando. I would say, in fact, one of the very best things about having kids is being able to expose them to all the films you loved growing up.

This is a great story and very well told, too. There are lots of insane people in the world doing insanely dangerous shit and these people rank right up there with the maddest of bastards. They literally hold their breaths for as long as they can then swim as deep as they can go before turning around and hoping they make it back to the surface before they run out of oxygen. Fucking nutcases, mate.

This is decent, this. Goes someway to describing the relationship many soldiers had with their Afghan translators, and why it was such a fucking travesty when the US just pulled out of Afghanistan and left the natives to rot. A despicable decision that rightly should be brought to attention of the world again, delivered superbly by Jake Gyllenhaal and his delightful beard.

Mark Rylance is just unfathomably watchable. There is a quiet presence about his performance in whatever he is in. And it's the same in this. It is almost like a play played out on the telly in my living room. I bet it's probably been a play first then turned into a film. So in that sense, it's decent. The end gets a bit daft but it was OK until then. Rylance does do a lot of theatre himself, so the whole thing makes a sort of sense, really.

The world is full of fascinating people with exceptional stories that impact our lives, in different ways, big and small, that we never even consider. All of these people are the main characters in their own lives but play miniscule parts in ours. Bob Thur is one of these people. You will have seen footage shot from his helicopter at some point because it is footage of some of the biggest news stories of our lives. This is the story about him and his wife, and how they got there and what happened since. I am grateful for people like him, for the parts they play, and I am glad that their stories get told, even when, sometimes, they are a bit of a bastard.

You know when you were a kid and your parents used to tell you, "I'm not angry; I'm disappointed"? In many ways, that was worse, wasn't it? You'd almost rather they raise their voice or punch a wall or pour themselves another vodka or whatever. Well that's how I feel about this film. I watched it because it had Sarah Snook in it and she is fucking incredible in Succession, but, sadly, it was bad. Really, really bad. I only finished it because I watched a lot of it whilst doing a massive pile of ironing and there was only 30 minutes left, so I somehow stuck with it. I beg you not to waste your time like I did.

My brother loves Kate Beckinsale - has for years - and he also loves Logan Roy (Brian Cox) from Succession, so when I saw there was a film out with both of them in it, the first thing I did was let him know that Beckinsale was in a film with Cox. He got the wrong end of the stick and thought I said cocks, so he assumed she'd hit a rough patch and turned to the adult film industry, and he jizzed his kex right there at the thought. However, it's not that sort of film, sadly, although it is the sort of film that I usually like. It is about a strained father-daughter relationship and a single mum struggling to keep food on the table for her kid. But it didn't quite tickle my fancy. Brian Cox plays Brian Cox, by which I mean he's a grumpy old bastard and Kate Beckinsale plays a getting-a-bit-old-now-and-had-too-much-work-done-on-her-face version of Kate Beckinsale, which was also a let down. Oh well.

If you like men dressed in army gear shooting automatic weapons at unkillable aliens, then you'll be into this. I'm a bit more cultured nowadays and need a bit more than rat-a-tat-tat and high-pitched squealing. It's basically a reboot of Starship Troopers without Denise Richards' magnificent tits and it has possibly the jargest ending of any film ever.

Let's get things straight. The soundtrack for this film is fucking epic. It begins with Money For Nothing and stays at that insane level throughout. It was an ejoyable watch; anything with so many jousting A listers in always is. And it's an interesting story that I'm sure has been embellished somewhat. It is nice to see people take a gamble and have it come off. I suppose if they hadn't, there wouldn't be a film about it. Instead they'd have probably died from alcohilism in their 40s after ruining their lives, which, funnily, actually sounds like the sort of film I'd get a kick out of.

This is actually a three parter but, all in all, it us feature length, so I'm going to review it like I would a feature film. Had it been 10 episodes each, I wouldn't have reviewed it because this isn't whataseries.net. Anyway, I digress. I'm guessing they maybe made this as a film but on watching it back they realised how boring it was, so spliting it into episodes was their way of freshening it up. Oh well. Never mind, lads. I mean it's alright - I don't regret having spent my time on it - but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone either. The same could, in fact, be said for many of my sexual experiences. They do a job but are they worth the hassle of having a girlfriend? I can't be sure.

I've wanted to read this book for ages, but I have two young kids, a full-time job, a hectic dating/fucking/ghosting schedule, and a crippling porn addiction. So finding the time is a struggle. Plus I genuinely have about 100 books on Audible ready to listen to and just as many digital books to read on my Kindle. So I do the most sensible and adult thing about having lots to do... I just ignore it and hope it goes away. A bit like all those dates I've fucked and got bored of, actually. Anyway, that's enough about me. I enjoyed this. Not necessarily from the self-help point of view as I am quite clearly too far gone on that front, but just on the listening-to-a-man-whos-been-through-it point of view. He's learned a lot from his experiences, which is more than I can say for myself at this stage. I'd quite like to have a beer with him so I can unload all my shit onto him and see if he has any advice for me. You should watch it.

I enjoyed this. It's a bit of a head fuck, it's very intense too and the bird in it is fucking incredible, so in those three ways it sounds like my ideal relationship. The sex will be great but in the end she'll do my fucking head in and we'll end up hating each other, hopefully never to lay eyes on one another again. Fucking sign me up! Seriously though, it's good. It's a bit like Primer, if you've seen that? Not as fucking cray-cray but not far off.

I loved this as a kid. I say a kid; it came out when I was 14, so maybe not exactly a kid. Titanic came out the same year and I defo remember watching that and having unchildlike thoughts about Kate Winslet. It also turns out to be the first David Fincher movie I ever saw, even though I didn't know it at the time. Even if someone had pointed that out to me, I'd have probably said "So? Who the fuck is that?" with the sort indignation only a troubled teenager can deliver. It does seem terribly dated now though. I watched it on Netflix and even the quality of the recording was well below par. Plus, to my older, more cynical eyes, it just seems so absolutely implausible to me now that I struggled with it.

This is one of those arty films made by some guy who would no doubt bore you to death at a party about the evolution of Francis Ford Coppola's career. I often enjoy these slow-paced thought-provoking films but this one didn't quite hit the spot for me. Maybe I wasn't in the mood. Maybe I was too busy wondering how many years until we get such humanlike AI bots in real life? And will I be able to afford one at the time? And how big might its tits be? I would absolutely sell a limb to afford one that would satisfy my every sexual desire. Suppose I best get saving now.

I love a bit of misery and this was suggested to me by my brother who had heard about it and thought it sounded totally like my jam. Well, he was right in that it did, but, really, it failed to deliver. It almost got boring at some parts and at no point in the entire film could I actually get fully erect off the misery. So not feeling satisfied, I instead loaded up the highlights video from my wedding and bashed one out to how happy me and my soon-to-be ex-wife were back then.

I remember being an early teenager and going on holiday somewhere with my mum and dad. My seat was a row back from the side-on seat that one of the stewardesses sat in. When she was sat down, I could see her face inbetween the seats in front of me. She had the most amazing deep, deep brown Manga-sized eyes. Any time she was sat in that chair, I couldn't take my eyes off her. I remember it as a bit of an awakening in my young life. Well, Aubrey Plaza has eyes like that, so this is possibly worth watching just for her alone. I generally like Guy Ritchie films, excluding Revolver obviously, which is absolutely dreadful. But, to be honest, this is probably his next worst. And if he is trying to stake a claim to direct the next Bond by making this, he has fluffed his lines somewhat.

This is a film about the war on drugs in America. It's very slow and only gets away with it because of its stellar cast. It's the film equivalent of that ex-girlfriend you used to have that thought her good looks meant she didn't have to put any effort in in the bedroom. It's a dead fish wearing a frown and a pouted lip lying in the missionary position and hoping you just get it over with ASAP.

This will forever be remembered as the film that Will Smith won an Oscar for, which ultimately led to him slapping Chris Rock on stage during the ceremony. It's actually a decent film and Will smith does OK, but I've seen much better performances not result in an Oscar. The Williams' Sisters dad is quite clearly an oddball, but no-one can argue that the way he raised them didn't work, because have you seen their success? To be taken with a pinch of salt, I'm sure, as all these based-on-a-true-story films should be, but worth your time nonetheless.

I only went to see this film because someone I knew had a 2-4-1 Meerkat Movies code and they fancied it, so I didn't even pay. I adore the Rocky films but have never liked the Creed ones and this is no different. Plus, Tony Bellew is back in this one, only briefly, but still. He pretty much ruined the first Creed for me; at least his talking is limited this time around. You can't let your logical brain loose on these films because they're just so unrealistic, but I'm 95% logical brain nowadays so it's tough.

This is every bit what I expected. A bit shit but has some decent parts in it. It certainly won't win any awards and, let's be honest, the girls could have been fitter.

Regular visitors to this site will know that I love me some misery, and this sounded very much like misery to me. Based on a true story of some kid's struggle with her mad parents, and also featuing Woody Harrelson, it had promise. Sadly, it wasn't the best. After growing bored, I spent the last hour or so of it texting women probably too young for me on dating apps. Which, funnily enough, I'm almost certain Woody Harrelson would himself approve of.

A bit silly this, almost slapsticky at points. Then it tries to be serious. Then not. Then serious again. Also, where the fuck are the police? All these slayings going on and not a sign of the police until the very, very end. Are Danish police really that bad? Is it even Denmark? The first scene mentions Tallinn, which definitely isn't in Denmark. In fact, Estonia doesn't even border Denmark, it's actually 1,000 kilometers from Denmark, so what the fuck, mate? Anyway, you get what I'm saying; the Estonian/Danish police are shite, and all in all it's pretty confusing.

If you ask any non-English person if they can you do any accents, I'm pretty sure 86% of them will, with their first attempt, try an English one. I generally spend very little time practicing accents as I'm too busy making up stats but English is defo one of my better ones. I mean, I am English, but my accent is quite regional, so international English, the posh one the Royal Family uses, is the one everyone defaults too. It's easy, for some reason. Just like the lives of the posh Tory pricks who speak it are easy. Anyway, I digress. This is a drama based on those Thai kids that got trapped in that cave that time. The story itself is quite remarkable; especially how they got the kids out of the cave in the end. It's still crazy to me that they even had the idea, nevermind that they pulled it off with such success. But also remarkable are the accents pulled off by both Colin Farrell and Viggo Mortensen who play the two middle-aged English fellas who ended up saving the day, whilst being far from fucking English. Although, as explained above, it's a piece of piss really, so I don't know why I've done so much copy about it. Well, I've done it now, and I have nothing else, so go fuck yourself.

The guy who sat next to me in the cinema to watch this was with his wife/girlfriend/carer, who knows, and between them they brought a fucking ginormous bag of sweets and crisps and chocolate. And they spent near the entire film working their way through them, rustling bag after rustling bag. Now that's obviously bad enough, but when you consider what this film about, it's even worse. It is literally about a man so obese, and with such an eating problem, that he is literally on the verge of death. So yeah, scoffing your way through 5,000 calories of shite whilst pondering his exist is a little off, don't you think? Anyway, the film itself is pretty grim but if grimness is your jam - it absolutely is mine - then it'll be worth a watch.

This is based in a care home in Liverpool during the Covid crisis and features, probably, the two best Scouse actors around at the mo', so it is authentic as fuck. The realness of it all - and this sort of shit 100% happened all over the country during Covid - gets you by the balls from the first scene. Jodie Comer and Stephen Graham are fantastic, as is everyone else, to be honest. It's good that this film was made so the whole shitshow won't be forgoteen in the coming years. And yeah, fuck the Tories.

Let's be clear, this film is much too fucking long. By some way, too. And then at the end - when your patience is truly exhausted - the director just starts adding uncessary scenes simply to take the piss out of you. I get it, you love the history of Hollywood, but fuck me. I am certain that had I watched this at home I'd have even fallen asleep or turned it off. A couple sat near to us in the cinema left after 45 minutes. It's that sort of film. However, I did cry laughing at one scene in roughly the middle and I look forward to seeing that bit of it again. Margot Robbie is in it but even she doesn't do it all that much for me in this film. She's a bit too crazy and crazy women like that terrify me. Avoid.

Let's get the important thing out the way first. There is absolutely no need to see Ripley's arse crack in the final scene. The rest of it? Well, it's obviously a fucking classic, isn't it? The tension throughout is superb and given how long ago it came out, it is certainly genre setting. However, some of the effects - Ash renanimating, for example - are pretty bad, and the whole Mother thing is a overdone Sci Fi trope and an awful rip off of HAL from 2001. I've seen Aliens over and over again in my life but I've only ever seen this three or four times, which says it all really. I could watch Aliens every day this week and enjoy every second but I'm not sure when I'll ever watch this again. But without Alien, you don't get Aliens, or the franchise. So, you know, mad props for that.

This is based on a true story about two Syrian girls who escaped from Damascus to Germany. They happen to be pretty good swimmers so the story is based around that, really. It's an average watch and it turns out they're not even that good swimmers, so really the whole thing is a load of bullshit. I get that people like these sort of films and there should absolutely be more films about the struggle that refugees have to endure, but this lacked something for me. Normally at this point I'd claim that they could have got better looking women to play the parts but these girls are teenagers so I obviously won't be saying that, because then I would sound like some awful, awful nonce, which I'm definitely not, despite anything you may see on Google.

There are 14 mountains on the planet that are over 8,000 metres high and some people have climbed them all. The quickest to achieve this was seven years, yet this film is about some nutcase who aims to do it in seven months! Just climbing one is usually a two month expedition so that should give some indication of how outlandish this attempt is. I normally love these mountaineering documentaries but this one is very rushed with very limited footage of each climb. It probably should have been a 10 part series.

People can be fucking animals, can't they? I mean, they can act like animals, not that they can literally be fucking animals. Which, I know they can, and some do, but, to be honest, that was a particularly tough time in my life and I can't believe you've brought it up. How dare you! It was a moment of weakness and I have regretted it ever since. But yeah, proper Lord of the Flies shit, this.

I'm surprised I'd never heard of these people before. I'm into mad bastards and these were mad bastards of the highest degree. Some of the footage they shot of volcanoes is just incredible. A couple of times during this documentary I actually said "What the fuck!" out loud, to no-one, because I was watching it by myself, as I do with most things, but enough about my sad little life. The Kraffts absolutely didn't have a sad life; the opposite, in fact. And you know what, they didn't have a sad death either. If they could have picked all the ways to go, I bet they'd have picked the one they ultimately got. It's just a shame the footage they captured whilst dying didn't survive. I bet it would have been one hell of a send off.

I remember loving this as a kid. I say kid but I mean an early teen maybe. There's absolutely no way I understood it all back then; I probably just enjoyed the idea of conspiracy, which is funny because I've not followed that through to adulthood like some. I am a natrually skeptical person but as soon as people start talking about jet fuel and steel beams, I instantly lose some respect for their opinion. I mean, don't these people have better things to do? This is a basically a three and a bit hour celebration of conspiracy. It's like Oliver Stone, the director, got stuck in a kitchen at a party one night nd swallowed every last bit of some stoner's JFK theory. I mean, it's impressive, if true, but that's the thing; these things seldome are entirely true. Worth a watch, I suppose, but way, way too long to be revisited all that often.

I'm not one for fancy food. I did once take my wife to some fancy Michelin gaff in which we got a seven course meal with the accompanying wine, but the bill of nearly £300 nearly made me vomit it all back up in disgust. Anyway, right before watching this film I had scoffed a tray of kebab meat with salad, chips and a couple of slices of American Hot pizza, so you know, I was right in the mood for it. And you know what? It's entertaining. I mean, it's horrendously unlikely and abso-fucking-lutely would never happen in real life, but once you accept it for the entertainment it is, it's alright. And as someone who recently saw the new Avatar, I'm confident in saying also that Anya Taylor-Joy is probably the most attractive alien I've ever seen, and she nearly - nearly - passes as a human.

The accents, my word. I couldn't face them for more 15 minutes so off it went. I'm sure it's an uplifting story but fuck me. Rory Kinnear is usually top drawer too but, like I said... Fuck. Me. Makes me wonder if Ana De Armas would still be fit with a Burnley accent.

I like Christian Bale and I like dark films, which this appeared from the trailer. Or what I've seen of the trailer. I watch as little of a trailer as possible nowadays because usually, watching the trailer, more often that not, ruins the film. Anyway, what I don't like is anything set in the olden days, wherby the olden days is anything more than about 10 years prior to my birth. Some - like the Revenant and The Nightingale - do it right, but a lot - with the outfits and the accents and the way of talking - do my head in. This was one of those and I lasted 20 minutes before I axed it for something else.

The original Avatar and, indeed, this one, are the sort of film that you have to see in the cinema. There's almost no point watching it at home. I mean, obviously, there is. But, you know, just go the fucking cinema, you lazy, cheap bastard. The visuals are stunning and some of the scenes are mind-blowing. The rest is alright too, but it's just so damn long. So damn long, in fact, that I wonder if I'll ever watch it again. And the theme of the whole film is how important family is and how they never give up on each other, so unless you're in a perfectly happy family with a great partner who you love dearly, it may trigger you. So if that's the case, maybe just watch Rocky 4 again.

I adored Clue growing up and this follows the same sort of Who Done It approach. Knives Out was also good fun so I expected this, its sequel, to be on a par. However, the worst thing about Knives Out - Daniel Craig's annoying Texan accent - is still present in this, whereas, the best thing about Knives Out - Ana de Armas' exceptionally fuckable face - is not. So, therefore, by my logic, it's not as good. Anyway, I bet now you're thinking about fucking Ana de Armas' face aren't you? I know I am certainly am.

The Airborne Toxic Event are my favourite band. Their lead singer, Mikel Jollett, a sensational song writer and human being, took the bands name from a chapter of a book he loved. This film was based on that same book. Reason enough for me to watch it. Add in Adam Driver and Don Cheadle, both actors I admire, and the fact it was directed by Noah Baumback and, well, surely this would be a belter. Well - spoiler alert - it is not a belter. It's much too crazy and much too arty for me. Almost like it was made exclusively to appeal to award-voting movie reviewers and not for the common man. In fact, I turned it off eventually. A shame, indeed.

Absolute bullshit these documentaries. Every single one is a load of incredible footage punctuated with a bunch of interviews with the suvivors about how they got lucky and how they NEARLY died and how sad it made them. What about the interviews with the people who didn't get so lucky? How about the interviews with the people who, you know, ACTUALLY died!? Huh?! Where are they? Let's be totally transparent here. You can't just tell it from the jammy fuckers' side every time. It is such horrendous cherrypicking and I am sick of it.

We've all heard of the saying that if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back into you, but have you heard of the one where if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss might just fuck up your shit? This is about the time some tourists went to see an active volcano and it had the downright cheek to erupt whilst they were on it. And - get this - they had the nerve to sound disappointed afterwards?! I mean come on! You wanted to see the power of nature, didn't you? And you got it, full fucking throttle and down your throat. So what's the problem, you fucking fat prick. Oh right, the third degree burns and the dead relatives. Yeah, right. I sort of get it now.

This is basically a German version of 1917, but not as good. I'm not entirely sure why they made it to be honest, as it's just a celebration of one time that they got their asses handed to them, in full feature-length HD. It's like me making a two hour film about my last particularly painful breakup, detailing all the crying and the pleading and the terribly, terribly sad wanking. It's almost like they knew there was a whole generation of voyeur English grandads who would get their rocks off to seeing young German men pleading for their mommies in their native tongue as they get bayoneted and gunned-down. And you know what? They're probably right.

I was excited when I heard this was coming out because admiring Ronaldo (the original) was such a big part of my childhood. Well, it is every bit as good as I thought it would be. I think Messi is the greatest player ever, but Ronaldo Nazário, for me, is the most he-can't-be-from-this-planet player that I've ever seen. He's already mentiond in the top tir, but if it weren't for injuries, he'd be regularly listed alongside the very, very best. So much of what is covered in this is still so vivid in my memory. What a story. What a player. What a man.

There's few things I hate more in the world than a spoiler in a film review so I won't say too much about this, except that people in hospitals start dying - whoa, I know - and some people start getting suspicious about it. What could be causing it? Unwashed hands? Poor practice? Or could it be someone doing the exact opposite of their job and making people more unwell? If, like me, you take a certain level of glee from articles about how Harold Shipman killed hundreds of old age pensioners, then you may enjoy this. Jessica Chastain is in it too, which makes it worthwhile watching, partly because she's a fantastic actress and partly because I wouldn't begrudge introducing her to my dick.

This is a retelling of the classic story of Swamp Girl falling in love. I know you may be sick to the back teeth of these Swamp Girl stories but at least it's not another fucking Marvel film. I jest of course, because Swamp Girl? What?! I am making sense, I promise you, but to see the sense I'm making you'd have to watch it, which, to be honest, I don't heartily recommend. If you're into love stories, or murder mysteries, or swamps, then crack on. But I'm not big on any, really, so it left me less than impressed. And this is usually the point where I say that they could have got a fitter bird, but come on, how fit can a Swamp Girl really be?

This is an OG horror so I'm doing it a slight disservice giving it a 6, but it has aged somewhat in the last f-fucking what?! Forty years?! Jesus. I remember watching it as a kid. That means, that, yep, I'm old. Anyone of a certain age will remember this as the film where the creepy little kid gets stuck in the telly and the tree comes alive and tries to eat the lad. But mostly, everyone remembers this for Tangina. She absolutely steals the show, and still does when you watch it now. A superb character portrayed brilliantly. All in all, a tremendously silly, OTT horror, but absolutely worth another watch. And the Poltergeist Curse (<a href='https://www.google.com/search?q=Poltergeist+curse' target='_blank'>look it up</a>) makes it even creepier.

I watched this 20 years and it made me proper fancy the fuck out of Diane Lane for a bit. Probably because she's getting shagged everywhere in it and the male brain is so very easy led. I saw it was added onto Netflix recently so decided to rewatch it to see if I could rekindle an old love. It's pretty basic as a film but the sex scenes are worth a watch, especially the one where she gets fucked in the hallway. My word. And the message it delivers is clear; you can be a perfect husband and your wife can still fuck you over. A valuable lesson, indeed.

M. Night Shyamalan has turned into a bit of a meme nowadays but 20 years ago he was seen like some sort of movie genius, with every film having a mad twist at the end. This was the first of his popular twisty films and it was followed by other good films such as Unbreakable, Signs and The Village. And, to be fair, it was very good back then, but now, when you watch it back, as I did recently, it does seem dated. I mean, it still holds a massive place in pop culture - "I see dead people" for Christ's sake - so it can't be too disrespected, but nearly-40-year-old-me definitely enjoyed it less than late-teens-me did, but, as I've said many a time on here, I have become a hard-to-impresss grump in recent years, so it's probably mostly down to that.

I love a bank heist film. But this was so bad that I turned it off. The bird was quite fit too so it lasted longer than it should. One of those films were had it been real life, the whole situation would have ended within about 5 minutes with all protagonists dead.

I thought this was supposed to be good? It only lasted 20 minutes before I axed it, and what a bonkers 20 minutes it was. I'm almost certain that it would have made more sense had I been off my tits on mushrooms. But, having said that, had I been on mushrooms I'd probably have been bollocko, running barefoot through the woods trying to interpret the mating calls of owls in order to locate the the source of nature, or something. So yeah, jib.

I love a film with a twist and this has a great one at the end when you realise Colin Farrell plays the motherfucking Penguin. I'd spent most of the film racking my brains trying to think who it was but I just didn't get it. Anyway, it was a decent watch; a reimagining I'm sure they'll call it, but a cynic could just claim it's another Batman film except this time with a dash of Se7en thrown in and an Aldi cast. Don't get me wrong, they're all very good actors in their own right but not many of them the average Joe would recognise, except for Farrell, of course, but he spends the entire film looking like a melted candle, so, you know. I'm 100% sure I'll never watch it again.

This is not a serious film and I am all about the serious films nowadays. The cast is outrageous so, I assumed, they'd all only agree to be in a film that was very good and in some ways serious. I was wrong. It is far from serious. It is silly, in fact. I have enjoyed silly films in the past but not so much nowadays. In films like these you have to give logic the day off. And logic, for me, rarely gets a day off. Certainly not a lie-in-bed-til-midday then sit-on-the-couch-til-bedtime day off anyway, and that's what happened here. There were enjoyable elements, of course, but the liberties taken were too great for me. The constant twitch of Really?" was a step too far. You may love it; and good on you if you do. But it's not for me."

Well, where to begin? How about the fact that apparently people were walking out of the cinema during the last scene because it is so off its tits and gruesome? Or the fact that Rory Kinnear - a superb actor - plays multiple roles? Or maybe that it's written and directed by the same guy who did Ex Machina? If any of that appeals to you, get on it. It is pyschological horror at its very best... But then, the last half an hour happens. And it is a bit mad and, some will say, unnecessary. There is also weapons-grade symbolism throughout but I'm not going to dwell on that too much. I thought it was very good but a different ending would have been nice.

This is about the meeting of two sets of parents who's children have been involved in the same tragedy, although each with totally different roles within it. It is a proper misery-fest so is right up my street. As a parent, it's a difficult watch. It brings home just how far the apple can fall from the tree. And how little you might know about that apple until it becomes a really, really bad apple. My eldest is only five and I can already see my influence on him decreasing as his schooling and what his friends say to him and what he watches on YouTube are all, largely, out of my control. And that will only increase as he grows older. Parents still play a massive role in forming the person their children will become, but, ultimately, there's only so much they can do, and this film displays that in a brilliant and terrifying way.

I have looked forward to this film for months, ever since I read the synopsis, as it sounded very much like my sort of jam. Sadly, I had to turn it off, as it wasn't really my jam at all. In fact, I'm not sure it was even jam; more a marmalade, or one of them mad sugary spreads the kid like nowadays. You know the ones where the packaging looks good but there's just too much going on in the spread itself? Someone has somehow tried to cross The Matrix crossed with Scott Pilgrim, and this absolute mess has resulted. The main problem for me is that I expected a serious film and this is far from fucking serious. So if you're going to give it a go, go in with that mindset from the get-go.

I heard this was good and Ethan Hawke being in it gave it some credibility, although, having said that, he is in <a href='film/96'>Before Sunset</a>, which is a load of my arse. Anyway, I was very disappointed. The acting was bad, the story wasn't great and the logic was nowhere to be seen. It was only after I watched it that I discovered that it was written by Stephen King's son that it started to make sense. The whole gifted kid with an I-hear-dead-people thing going on used to make sense back when King was doing enough coke to kill the entire paramilitary wing of a cartel but not so much any more. Nowadays it's just an overly used loophole that writer use when they're shite.

If you're into true crime or mad stories and mad goings on involving mysteries and mad bastards, then you'll probably enjoy this. There are some horrible twats in the world who do some horrendous shit to good people.

Predator is one of the greatest films ever made so any film involving one is absolutely essential viewing, especially for people of a certain generation. They have done us dirty in the past with some of the other films in the franchise. I still remember the excitement amongst my mates for Alien vs Predator; probably the most eagerly anticipated film of our lives, given how much we love both franchises... But it was a massive disappointment. After so long, the excitement about Prey was up there too and, again, it left me disappointed. I know I always go on about this, but some of the scenes are just too unrealistic. And yeah, I get it, what's realistic about a film in which an alien travels down to earth to hunt humans? But I'm happy to accept that as the plot, some of the other things less so, but that's just me being an overly-literal bastard. It's a cross I have to bear I'm afraid. Oh, and one more thing, the bear scene should have been much longer.

Everything is ridiculous and flamboyant to the nth degree nowadays; films, popular music, energy prices, and films, like this one. It's an entertaining watch but it really is quite absurd. I guess that's what the kids are into nowadays but, genuinely, where do you stop? Because it's getting a bit silly now. I'm nearly in my 40s and get grumpier by the day but fucking hell. However, it does have Ana De Amas is in it and I would happily watch her choke my first born. She is perfectly cast for this preposterous film because she is just outrageously easy on the eye. Honestly, seeing her face compels both a strange sense of contentment whilst also inspiring a mad craving of some sort in my loins which I'm 99% sure can only be satiated by jamming my dick into something. She is absolutely a 10/10; this film, on the other hand, barely gets half that.

I fucking love the first Top Gun. I always have. I must have seen it 100 times. So, of course, I was deeply skeptical about this new one. I mean, most decade-later sequels are fucking dog shit, aren't they? Well, you know what, I was wrong. This is great. It recycles a little too much of the original film for my liking but try telling that to my face two minutes in when the film opened with Highway to the Danger Zone; at that point I was grinning like Tom Cruise stood on Ophra's couch, except, you know, with my own teeth and stuff. Anyway, Cruise plays the part of Maverick very well again which is pretty bonkers because that motherfucker is 60 next week! 60! He could easy pass for mid-late 40s, as could Jennifer Connelly, who has always been pretty fit. Anyway, the last 40 minutes or so of the film are as good as any you'll see.

This is shot in black and white and tries to depict a conflict within 1960s Belfast as some sort of Western. That says all you need to know. If you're into poncey black and white films with artsy shots and loads of There's-That-Guy-From-Whatcha-Call-It actors in, then you'll be in for a treat. I thought it would full of misery and therefore right up my street, but, alas, sadly not.

Elon Musk is a strange cat isn't he? If you had to ask me which human being alive on planet Earth at the moment is most likely to be an alien, I'd probably go for Musk. I mean it'd be a shit guess because I've only ever laid eyes on 99.9% of people on Earth but there you go. He certainly acts oddly enough to pass as an alien pretending to be human. And the fact he's so obsessed with space and spaceships and space flight just adds to my suspicions. I mean, he even gave his kid an alien-sounding name. Maybe he's just a proper fucking nerd or maybe, like E.T., he just wants to get home. Maybe he's used his massive alien brains to amass a ridiculous fortune in which he can spend on getting himself home. So that's what this documentary is about; getting Musk back to his home planet and maybe taking some of us with him for a laugh. It's worth a watch because it's interesting and because what he's doing, long-term, could be absolutely massive for the human race.

I'm beginning to think that I should avoid Ryan Reynolds films. I know a lot of people like them but I can't think of one I've enjoyed. Even your Deadpools and Free Guys aren't for me. In fact, they epitomise the sort of film I'm talking about. Produced for the easily pleased brain-dead masses, and this is another one. I'm not interested in escapism; I want the harsh brutality of the world rammed down my throat at full whack. And that's not Ryan Reynolds' bag, is it? Everything is a big joke to him. Well he's a big joke to me, and if you're into his films, you're a big fucking joke too. In fact, you're even worse because at least he's getting paid. You're paying for the pleasure, you fucking shmuck.

Dakato Johnson is genuinely - and I can't stress this enough - fucking gorgeous. I don't know what it is about her but she's just got something that very few other women have. And it can't be captured by a picture; you only catch it in motion. She is the girl you see on the train each morning who you can't help but steal a glance at. She is the call centre worker you spoke to on the phone once who had an voice so sexy that you still think about her years later. She is the girl next door. She is your first love. I could go on but you get the idea. It's not even that I just want to fuck her; I want to make her laugh and give her a cuddle and yes, absolutely, fuck her into oblivion. Anyway, the film... It's, well, a bit weird. But I'm into weird. Weird is my middle name (thanks Mum and Dad). Most people will hate it because it's a serious - some would say pretentious - film. So maybe someone as shallow as you, especially, should give it a miss.

I told my wife about this film and she said, "No, it's not for me." When pressed as to why she said that Stephen Graham's films are too edgy and dark and full of stress. Which, funnily enough, is why I like them. So she fucked off upstairs to watch RuPaul or something and I put it on. And it was all the things she suggested it would be, and because of that, I enjoyed it.

This is another supposed spy thriller based on a supposed true story involving some very English guys with their very English accents, one of which is played by Benefit Cumberbund or whatever his name is. I'm sure this guy did great work for the country but does it really interest me enough to watch a two hour film about it? Probably not. And I still can't decide if I like Banderlecht Cumderbitch or not. He has them horribly snakey eyes and far too many angles to his face for me. Bet he's terrible at getting the round in.

I like James McAvoy and Sharon Horgan and two people living together through lockdown whilst hating one another sounds like just the sort of misery I would enjoy. However, I had to turn it off. I couldn't stand the constantly talking to the camera thing. It breaks the fourth wall too much for me. I did like the long takes though and the acting was, of course, very good. But it's a no from me.

This absolutely blew me away. What a fella. A young kid who grew up to literally live his dreams. Stories like his really make you wonder what we're all doing with our lives. It's like he knows the answer to life and we're all just fucking bums. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's the path you take. Each one comes with its own challenges and its own comforts and we each pick the one we think best suits us. A truly inspirational film but one which will probably leave you conflicted. I'll be thinking about this for a while.

I enjoyed this and the message it delivers. It is a very important message and it is delivered in a superb way. Leo - it now goes without saying really - is absolutely exceptional. I've never seen an actor act such nervousness into a role before. He even beats that guy in Se7en, you know the one. The "He... he put that thing on me... He made me wear it... He told me to fuck her, and... and I did! I fucked her!" guy. Anyway, speaking of which, we, as in the human race, are currently fucking the planet, and no-one forced us to do it by gunpoint. We just did because we are greedy, lazy, disgusting bastards and, to be honest, on some days, I do hope we all burn. And that's what this film is about.

Bruce Springsteen is fucking great and you if disagree I will fucking fight you. I'm not a big fan of all his music but he does have some tunes that I absolutely adore. I keep telling myself that at some point I will dedicate the time required to listen to all of his back catalogue, but, unfortunately, I have kids that sap all my time. Maybe when they grow the fuck up, I'll get a minute. Anyway, this shows the process Springsteen and his E Street Band go through to record music and it's very enlightening, although, not quite as good as Springsteen On Broadway. So maybe watch that instead.

This is Sandra Bullock's latest offering, featuring her ever-more plastic face. Mad how she looks now because she was arguably the fittest bird alive when Demolition Man came out. I was only 10 at the time but fucking hell, the things I dreamed about doing to her back then... My mother would have been disgusted. Anyway, I thought this was decent. Miserable like, but as you know, that's my jam.

Might as well have been in fucking Chinese, this. Not to mention it's in black and white and 4:3 ratio. So it's a no from me. Which is shame because the cast is absolutely superb.

This is a fictionalised version of a true story based on black men who had to fight racism back in the day in order to prosper. It's one we've heard before, I know, but it's a story worth telling. Good on these fellas for not towing the line and having the ambition to succeed in the way they did. Men like these are just as important as the likes of MLK in the twisted path of history from slavery to the world we live in today.

I've wondered for years how long until someone can make a Real Doll that has enough AI inbuilt in to it so that it can realistically satisfy all my sexual desires. When that day arrives, and I'm sure it will, I will be emptying the kids savings account to buy myself one. Divorce from my now useless wife will surely follow and me and my latex girlfriend will live happily ever after. This film is sort of like that but with less mess. The general intelligence of the robot must be taken with a monstrous pinch of salt, but the rest, I suppose, seems plausibile. A story we've all heard a million times over though.

This one of those true stories that had it been made as a fictional film, you'd claim it was too unrealistic. How these guys managed to get these boys out of a flooded cave, at such depths, is truly remarkable. They knew what they were doing was incredibly dangerous, not just for the kids involved but also for themselves. And yet, they did it anyway. None of them should ever have to buy a pint ever again. True heroes.

This is very Black Mirror and I fucking love Black Mirror. I also love misery and this has plenty of that. It's a very realistic near-future Sci-Fi story about how far a man would go to protect his family. Without spoiling it too much, it's a process I'd like to go through myself because I'm pretty sure me and other individual involved would get on great.

This was worth a watch - let's be honest, who doesn't love a heist film? - but I was a little disappointed, mainly because it didn't contain any of the usual Guy Ritchie humour, which, for me, is his USP. And because of that it's just another of these films, of which there have been many. And, to be honest, it's not even as good as some of the more recent ones, ie Den of Thieves and The Town.

This is a documentary about a prison program in which a bunch of tatoo-laden, hard-hitting, gang-sign-throwing motherfuckers all sit around together having deeper conversations than they do in Dawson's Creek. I'm a man so talking about my feelings is nearly as awkward as another man talking to me about his feelings, so this is a fucking awkward watch. Espeically all the crying and hugging and shit. I mean it looks like it helps but it also looks like, to me, that there's some acting going on.

I learned a lot watching this; like how great the ignorance - or even denial - was Germans initially had about the crimes that had been committed during the second world war. In the years following the end of the war, many Germans didn't know about the Holocaust, about Auschwitz or about the number of people who the Nazis had killed. It took amazing work of people to document it before it generally became accepted, and for the worst war criminals to be prosecuted. I also learned that the German word for poison is "gift", which is a bit unfortunate.

I wanted to watch this because it's by the creators of Netflix series DARK, which, if you haven't seen it, is absolutely fucking superb. They even share some of the same actors. This film is alright but the hacker thing has been done over and over now. The soundtrack is great though. But seriously, watch DARK. You won't regret it.

This is the age old story of a convict who gets out of prison and tries to go on the straight and narrow back at home where his reputation and record thwart his journey down that path. It's been done before - as has the adorable kid thing too - but it was an alright watch. I wouldn't watch it again but I'm also not disappointed that I did. It's in that sort of Goldie Locks zone of films that will probably never cross your mind ever again. I do like Justin Timberlake though, and he's veryy good in this.

Another shock doc about how fucked the planet is. They keep releasing these and I keep watching them. It's been done before many a time though so I can't praise it too highly. Good on the journalists who go about with the investigations though; they have to do some dangerous shit and risk their safety to get the footage required. My hat cometh off to them. And when you think it was actually released six years ago, you realise that the planet has had six more years of being twatted from every angle by the human race since.

What a hero this fella is. We've all felt hard done to by those in power and we've all wanted to seek out revenge somehow, but, usually, most of us don't. Well this guy does and in a big way. The first hour or so of the film explain why he's so pissed off and, right so I reckon, what motivates him to do what he does. The last 35 minutes are just fucking great as you see the whole thing unfold via archive footage and interviews with the people who witnessed it. A working class hero is something to be, indeed, and Marv is exactly that.

This is a 10/10 on the As If Scale but, despite - and, to be honest, probably because of - its ridiculousness, it's actually very entertaining. It has a bit of jokey element to it which I like. Similar films, like, say, John Wick, try to be all serious so they can leave themselves open to more criticism. When it's clear early on that we're all here for a bit of a laugh and a jolly good time, it makes the whole experience that bit easier to navigate. You'll most likely only ever watch it once but it's far from a wasted 90 minutes.

I've only given three films a rating of 9/10 in the last 10 years. This is one of them. It is immense. I am already looking forward to seeing it again. After the first 15 minutes or so I was worried I was going to get lost in all the races and planets and history and terminology, but I didn't. The pacing is superb; it gets going immediately and never stops. The music is superb throughout and the visuals are just incredible. The only bad thing I can say about it is that we've got to wait two years for part two.

The real life story of this has fascinated me for a while so as soon as I heard there was a film about it I had to see it. However, it's just on too long. There's almost too much background about who John is. I know that's important but the rescue is the most interesting bit. The scene where he gets stuck is chilling though, knowing what comes next. That bit, at least, certainly gets the heard pumping. But if the series of events are true to what happened then he's a fucking idiot.

I've read most of Oliver Sacks' books and they're generally very good. However, even I found this a bit boring. He was a fascinating guy with a great insight into the mind and all that shit, but this isn't a great watch. What I'm trying to say is, don't bother with it, but, having said that, you wouldn't have bothered even if I'd given it a 9, would you? How do I know that? Because you're an uneducated, ignorant cunt with zero interest in the workings of the mind or Oliver Sacks' life. In fact, you know what, go fuck yourself.

Look, let's not fuck about here; Jodie Comer's skin is fucking flawless. She must have a Patrick Bateman like moisturising routine. I'm getting hard just thinking about it to be honest. As for the film, well, it's alright but it had the potential to be great. With Ridley Scott directing and a superb cast, it is a bit of a let down. I really like Adam Driver and Matt Damon but they both play kind of strange parts in this. And why Ben Affleck is even in it is baffling. Definitely right up there with the most Most Pointless A Lister role ever, for me. Jodie Comer and her perfect skin and slightly weird mouth is brilliant again and she probably steals the show. The way the story is told from multiple points of view was a bold approach but it ultimately failed and really just ends up being a bit weird.

The <a href='https://www.whatafilm.net/film/1272'>Danish version</a> of this is great. The rehashed version is alright but not a patch on the original. It got so slated that I nearly didn't bother watching it but it was my top suggestion on netflix and I was looking for some background noise whilst I bathed and dismembered all my barbie dolls, so on it went. I had to pause it at one point because it just felt too weird masturbating with the freshly washed hair of a decapitated barbie doll wrapped around my dick with Jake Gyllenhaal's pained expression staring back at me from the telly. I got it finished though once my dolls were put to bed and I didn't think it was at all as bad as people said. Don't know what they're on about, the fuckin' weirdos.

I went to school with a lad called Michael Schumacher. No shit. I always wondered what would happen when the police stopped him in his car and asked for his name. Would love to see that scenario unfold. Anyway, the proper Michael Schumacher was obviously a superb racing car driver and a thrill seeker, which, sadly, led to his demise really. When you're jumping out of planes left, right and centre and literally skiing off-piste in life in general, there's a chance you'll come unstuck. It's crazy how he survived such a dangerous career as a racing car driver only to then suffer terrible injuries whilst skiing. It is incredibly sad though that this happened to someone so young who seemed such a good dad to his kids.

This is a ridiculous film about a Non Playable AI Character coming to life in an online role-playing game and causing mayhem. It reminded me of Scott Pilgrim, so if you enjoyed that, you'll dig this. Obviously I despised Scott Pilgrim and this wasn't much better. I did get a few laughs out of it and I ejoyed seeing Jodie Comer in the first proper film I've seen her in, although I still can't figure out what's going on with her mouth. My wife, at least, enjoyed it, but that could be because Ryan Reynolds is in it.

Love a bevy, me. Let's be honest, who doesn't? Well these fellas try maintaining a low level of drunkeness at all times. What could go wrong? Well, it turns out quite a bit. It's a decent watch that goes a long way to glorifying drinking before, obviously, about facing. Although I did still come out of it looking forward to the next time I was getting on it. Proper trigger warning gear for alcoholics.

This is the story of how a troubled girl gets thrust into the limelight much too quickly, before she was anywhere near ready, and how she then fell in with the wrong crowd. The wrong crowd being her boyfriend and eventual husband Blake. He really is a piece of shit and I hope he gets the most severe form of arsehole cancer. He introduced her to drugs which, along with the years of abuse her body suffered from bulimia and alcohol abuse, ultimately killed her at just 27. And what a loss to the world it was because she was immensely talented. All in all, a very sad story.

You have to be very careful about who you have kids with. We all mostly know that before we do it but still many of us get it wrong. This film is all about that. It's about how people change as they grow up and about how the death of a child can change someone beyond measure, and how often it's the parents' relationship that is mostly tested. And sometimes, ultimately, it fails. It's a sad story but one that would usually be right up my alley. For some reason this one didn't hit the sweet spot for me and I can't exactly put my finger on why. If misery is your thing, you may want to give it a go; otherwise, maybe don't bother. The soundtrack is a belter though and is the best thing about the film.

Spent most of this film fairly distracted for the following two reasons. Firstly, the main actress looked a lot like someone and I couldn't decide who. It's either a local newsreader or my mate's wife. Decided it was a slightly-more-attactive-than-either mixture of the two. Secondly, Abigail Breslin - whom for years has been cast as the little kid in absolutely everything - has now grown up and is fairly good looking. This didn't sit well with me because I remember her mostly for being a child and now, all of a sudden, my dick has an opinion of her - and of her tits - which just seemed wrong. Still, it was entertaining enough. Matt Damon plays the emotionally useless dad role perfectly too.

This is a fucking long ass film. At one point I stopped it to see how long was left only to discover that - after one hour and 25 minutes - there was still one hour and 50 minutes to go! And there is so - and I mean SO(!) - much dialogue. That's normally right up my street but not when it's all in Turkish. Could I really sit through all that time with my eyes glued to the screen in case I missed something crucial in the constant chatting? I was enjoying the story to some degree but it was giving me a headache, so off it went.

This film started in disappointment - by not even showing the car crash - and continued on in that vein. I mean come on, Final Destination has been delivering quality death scenes for fucking years now; at least show us a good MDK. Jake Gyllenhaal is generally in good films but he's let himself down here. The idea of the film - a man suffering with the loss of the young wife in a car crash - sounded great to me but it didn't deliver.

This is about bullying and friendships and grief and despair and parenting and all the pressures of life, for teenagers and adults. It absolutely terrifies me because I've got two boys myself and it's scary how quickly they can drift from your circle of trust. One minute you're their hero and next thing they're telling their mates how much of a dickhead you are. Also, the main kid in this is the spit of Steven Gerrard; he even has that same serious frown on his face the entire time. It's pretty distracting how much they look alike actually.

Demi Moore was fit wasn't she? You know, with them tits and that. And in uniform too and being all stubborn. Oof. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, two bags full. Not that you get to see her tits in this but the subtle suggestion that they are there bursting through the bra beneath the blouse of her officer's uniform is enough. Oh, stop teasing me. Cruise - once again, in effect, playing the Maverick role - is superb too, although Jack Nicholson steals the show despite being in only three scenes.

This is the uplifting story of divorce, custody battles, picking sides, anger, crying, fighting and distress for all involved. It's a real family film, if you know what I mean. With some very difficult to watch scenes, it certainly delivers on what is suggested throughout. The message here is fairly simple; be very fucking sure about who you have kids with. And even then, you may still be fucked.

This is the story of Jack Kevorkian, a doctor who was very much in favour of euthanasia and even conducted many physician-assisted suicides. He risked his freedom to help people who wanted to die before their illnesses got any worse at a time when it was very much frowned on - and, in fact, a crime - in the US. That assisted suicide is legal in a handful of states now is largely down to his work. Not exactly a barrell of laughs but there you go.

This is basically Groundhog Day but based in the desert and with a much better looking cast. Cristin Milioti especially does it for me. She looks a bit like a bug; a very good-looking bug at that. Her eyes are much too big for her head and the same could be said for her mouth and teeth, which, to be honest, are the bits of the face I'm most interested in. Plus she's only small, which also does it for me. Knowing I can easily overpower a woman definitely tingles my bajingles.

There are bent coppers who turn a blind eye and take a little off the top and then there is the likes of Michawl Dowd who are criminals first and foremost and police officers second. It's incredible what he got away with but even more incredible that he even had the balls to do many of them in the first place. And this sort of thing probably still goes on the world over, too.

You've heard of snakes on a plane? Well this is zombies on a train. And they're what I would call proper zombies, not the aimless shifting around uninterested types. These are the ultra agressive, want-to-rip-your-throat-out types. If zombies are your thing, you'll enjoy it.

I'm getting a bit sick of seeing this guy in everything nowadays. It would seem any time you need a brown fella then he is the Go To. He's like the Muslim Will Smith. Bravo to this agent, I reckon. Anyway, in this he plays a guy who finds himself in Guantanamo and in it we discover exactly what he did - or rather, didn't do - to get there. Obviously there is loads of torture and loads of subsequent forced confessions and, of course, it's based on a true story because they actually did all those disgusting things to people. Americahhhh, fuck yeah!

This is a film about a man who keeps getting woken up from his drunken slumber with bad news. He's an oil man, which means he's an expert at digging holes, most of which he does whilst looking for oil. He's also a horrible, horrible man and a terrible father. But, you know, power and money etc. Like many of his films, this is worth watching just to see Daniel Day-Lewis do his thing. For a guy who has only ever been in 21 films, the fact that he has won the Leading Role Oscar in three of them is fucking preposterous.

Shia LaBeouf is obviously a fucking nutcase; the type of nutcase that is the product of dysfunctional parenting and that's what makes him perfect for this film because that is what this film is about. About how easily, as a parent, you can fuck up your kids. It's scary, to be honest. This, actually, was written by La Boeuf and is basically a biographical account of much of his own childhood. Which explains why he does such a good job with the role of the father because he's lived with it his whole life.

Wasn't expecting much from this because generally stuff set in the far past usually doesn't tickle my balls in the same way that present day set stuff does. It was alright, like. Basically just show much of a dangerous place America was back in the day, when everyone had a gun and you were always likely to be shot up just for eyeballing someone in the wrong way... Much like it is today.

This is the incredibly sad and true story of a young mother who dies from cancer. But wait, it gets funnier. A friend of the couple from college moves in to live with them to help out with the kids whilst they are occupied with her illness. This shit happens to people all over the world every day and it is sad as fuck. If you have kids or have suffered loss of a loved one in a similar way - which, let's be honest, is most of us - this will probably bring you to tears. I think it's fair to say that I speak for all of us when I say, Fuck cancer.""

The moral to this story is that you should always do your best when doing your job because, if you don't, some mad bastard might try and murder your family. It was made around the time when both De Niro and Scorcese were at their absolute peaks but, watching it now, it hasn't aged the best. All the camera tricks, blur outs, fades, walking at the camera shots and the almost constant soundtrack with suddenly extremely loud notes just make it appear terribly dated with a modern eye and ear. On a long enough timeline, everything gets old; and this film, sadly, has done that already.

Mexico is fucked, mate. It truly is a failed state in which the criminals run amok. On average 10 women are killed there every day and 97% of those murders go unsolved. This documentary is just one example - amongst a sea of them - that shows how there is no justice in the world, especially in places as fucked and as corrupt as Mexico. Avoid going at all costs.

This is about a man who gets so bored of fucking Scarlett Johansson that he starts with Natalie Portman. I mean come on; that's the fucking dream right there, isn't it? We all know Henry VIII was a top shagger but this is probably about as historically accurate as Scientology. It's ultimately a story of how far a man will go to get his dick wet so it's no surprise that the film itself has an irregular rhythm - which is much too rushed in many places - whilst still, fittingly, building to quite the crescendo.

A heavy watch, this. Very heavy, indeed. Dementia is about so much more than just forgetting things and this film does a brilliant job of explaining how things can feel to someone who is suffering through it. The way it shows him getting mixed up with times, events and even recognising who people are - and who people aren't - is great. I would recommend it to everyone, especially if you have a loved one with any form of dementia. It is truly a horrendous end of a life for all involved.

This is even better than <a href="film/1202">the first one</a>, largely because you get to see more of the aliens. And the start is fan-fucking-tastic. One of the best starts I've ever seen, in fact. It had me gripped, fiercely, by the balls immediately. I like how it follows on so soon after the first too, because it would be unrealistic to imagine that they'd keep a noisy fucking newborn alive for any great length of time. I'd happily watch these films 'til the cows come home.

This is basically another story - based decades ago - about an angry young man sent to a young offenders institute and causing mayhem. It's got all the usual stuff - bullying, abuse, escape attempts and ultimately bonds built amongst people that started off hating each other. It's nothing new but it's worth a watch.

This just made me sad. I've seen loads of these documentaries about how much we've fucked the planet but this one hurts the most. What sort of world are we leaving to ours kids? In a couple of decades from now - as the ice caps finally melt, as species after species goes extinct, as wars are fought over fresh water supplies and with all the corals bleached - our kids are going to ask us what we did to prevent it. And what will you say? Nothing, I imagine.

This is unquestionably the winner of the Most Unnecessary Sex Scenes gong in the 2021 What A Film Awards. The message here is to be 100% sure, before having kids, that you definitely are ready to take on the responsibility and that there is no dout about the love you have for the person with whom you're having them. Because too many people and they end up being horrible parents who don't even deserve the title bestowed upon them.

This is more about his life, about how he got successful and the relationships he made along the way; whereas the <a href='film/1380'>other documentary about him</a> that I watched recently was more about the latter stages of his life and how it ended. Loving misery as much as I do, I preferred that one. However, this one does a better job of showing his work and, therefore, proving how much of a genius he was. I think, ultimately, he found his ideal place in the world, and both he and all of us, benefitted greatly from his career.

There are two lessons that come from this film. One, don't buy a farm. Two, don't let your mother-in-law move in with you. In any normal year, this is never nominated for the Best Picture Oscar. I'm normally into these real life struggle films but this one wasn't the best. It's neither uplifting enough nor grim enough to stand out.

I've never thought this was as good as part one. In fact, I think it owes much of its reputation simple because it comes after part one and people were so keen to know how the story continued. For me, there's much too much of Vito's storyline. However, Al Pacino is absolutely fucking spectacular in this. Every scene he's in is just dripping with pure class and, with hindsight, you can see this is the film where he became the actor he was going to be for the next 3 decades.

Don't get me wrong, this is an all time great. I adored it as a kid but having watched it again recently, I could tell it was 50 years old. I mean, I can't see modern kids falling in love with it in the way that previous generations did. I have always struggled to relate to films set so much before my time and that is certainly the case here.

So strange that these intelligent, reputation-obsessed celebrities are so keen not only to join Scientology, but to shout as loud about its benefits as they can. Like all religions, Scientology is a load of fucking bollocks. The difference between Scientology and every other religion is that the events it is based on happened so recently so we know for a fact its all bullshit, unlike, for example, the stories of Jesus, which we also know is bollocks, but, has slightly more authenticity due its durability over the millennia.

This is about trophy hunters killing large game and it's a fucking tough watch. I can't decide what's worse; seeing the baby rhino running around in a panic and basically crying after its mother is killed, hearing the elephant breathing its last having been gunned down, or the cunt shooting the croc in the head with a rifle from point blank range whilst it's tied up and can't escape. And that's before I even mention the bit where the supposed good guys chop a rhino's horn off. The world has lost 60% of all wild animals in last 50 years and it's down to us. What a horrible race we humans are. Oh, and fuck Ted Roosevelt.

Clint Eastwood is fucking old. I mean, really, really old. It's actually a bit morbid watching a guy this old still trying to act. In this he plays a walking corpse who starts running drugs for a cartel after his flower business goes under. I've never been a fan of Eastwood - he's always been wooden as fuck - but now he's just decrepit. I actually feel sorry for him. He should be putting all his effort into not pissing himself and give the acting up.

This is a very important film at a time when everyone is trying to keep up with the Jones'. Most people want a bigger house, a better car, just more stuff in general. We should all be grateful for what we already have and stop always desiring for more. We should be especially grateful that we have our health, we have our families and friends and that they, too, remain healthy. It's a fucking cruel world out there. I knew I'd enjoy it before even putting it on because real life grimness is totally my bag.

The moral of this story is that men are fucking pigs. I mean, I am one and even I agree. Absolute fucking pigs, mate. Anyway, this is a strange movie; and it is absolutely told with more than a hint of satire. I feel like whoever dreamed this up has been grossly mistreated by men in their past and, for that, I feel sorry for them. I wasn't very satisfied with the ending though, but I enjoyed the rest of it. I am surprised it was nominated for so many Oscars though, but it has been a slow year on that front I suppose, given all the delays down to Covid.

This is about how shit America is and how much they take the piss out of people there. Michael Moore travels to a handful of European countries and hears about how much paid holidays they get, how much paid maternity cover they get, how much more power their employees have, how much better their education system is, how much better they treat their criminals, how much better their democratic systems are, and, even, how much better they understand their own country's history. But, yeah, you know, AMERICAHHH, FUCK YEAH!

The ultimate message here is to look after your hearing because - fuck me - life without it seems pretty fucking grim. It's about losing your place in the world - losing your career, your girl and even yourself - and how you deal with it. It's about how quickly things can change and about accepting them when they do. I recognised the female actor immediately and spent ages trying to place her before realising she's in Me and Early and The Dying Girl, and she actually looks better in that, which is funny considering she plays the dying girl. Anyway, watch it, but, you know, keep the fucking volume down, yeah?

This is about how we've all been misled to believe that smoking isn't bad for you, climate change doesn't exist and, basically, that you can't really trust any of these so-called experts. Huge organisations with endless pockets have, for decades, used spin to make us doubt what genuine scientists have been trying to tell us. It's been going on for years and still is today. It explains why so many of these cunts have got away with it for so long. To be honest, there wasn't much new stuff in it for me and it'll probably just leave you furious, hence the rating.

This is another bunch of mad bastards tackling a big fuck-off never-been-climbed-before peak for shits and giggles with Jimmy Chin once again on camera duty. In a world where most people can't even film a decent video with their phone whilst stood on solid ground, he deserves the utmost respect for managing to do so whilst hanging off a sheer cliff face. I'd say it was a case of ups and downs but it's mountain climbing, so of fucking course it is. It's a story of dealing with tremendous setbacks, of knowing when to call it a day and of having the fight to get back on your feet and give it another go, quite literally.

This is the first Coen brothers film and one of the peak "noir" films of its generation. I hate that I have to use that word because it makes me sound like a right fucking bellend, but, to be honest, it's the best way of describing it in a way that you'll understand. People who claim to be proper film buffs will almost certainly claim to love it. I thought it was decent the first time I watched it two decades ago and, having watched it again the other day, I maintain that opinion. If you think poorly of me for that, either way, you can go fuck yourself.

This is all about how we - the human race - have fucked the planet almost beyond hope. Agent Smith was right. Human beings are a disease; a cancer of this planet. We are literally causing the sixth mass extinction. Extinction rates are up 10,000 times compared to natural rates thanks to habitat loss, poaching and climate change. We are all guilty and you, for your part in it, should be extremely embarrassed.

This is basically one of the world's greatest ever photographers talking about his best known photographs. Each one is already of such quality that they tell a tremendous story but it's fascinating listening to him adding such context. Over the years his work has raised awareness of the droughts and famine in Africa, of genocide, of war and of other pressing issues the world over. Few people have ever captured the soul of a situation or of a place quite like he has. And to think, his photos may not even be the most impressive things he's done with his life. What a man and what a life well lived.

This is about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. What those cunts did to him is disgusting and the way Saudi Arabia have suffered no sanctions from the international community as punishment is just as wrong. The world is absolutely fucked, mate. I think I want to get off.

I adored this as a kid, largely, for some reason, because I loved the idea of chopping people's heads off. I loved the computer game Barbarian on the Commodore 64 for the same reason. A lot of my friends were the same and most of them never turned into psychopaths. I watched it again recently for the first time in years. It's absurd now, of course, but it has some classic scenes that will always be special to me. It's basically Terminator with swords, where Kurgan is Arnie and Christopher Lambert is Sarah Connor. The sheers 80s-ness of it is great but it really hasn't aged that well.

I've had this film on my To Watch list for about a decade. What that means is, I've read about it somewhere - probably on a reddit movie thread - and I've added it to my list. And now, all these years later, I've finally got around to watching it. The point I'm making here is that I am incredibly faithful to my admin. The whole thing is grim as fuck and I'm surprised they showed it on TV whilst the Cold War was still going on. I bet it shit the public right up. The bomb drop scene especially - whilst rudimentary - is very entertaining.

I love a bit of violence and inflict it on my wife as often as possible. This film is one of the most violent I've seen so, of course, I very much enjoyed that side of it. However, I do have issues with it. Firstly if you catch a raping murderer for raping and murdering your girl, if you let him go there's a very good chance that he'll continue to rape and murder. Secondly, in this film - and as is often the case in life - the punishment delivered to the raping murderer just isn't sufficient given all the raping and murdering. But, yeah, decent.

This is about the very cruel end to Robin Williams' life. Sadly for him, he didn't know that he had dementia; just that he wasn't himself any more and that he no longer wanted to live with whatever his condition was. Told by those closest to him, it is a sad tale about an incredibly talented and much loved actor.

I enjoy a fish finger butty but, let's be honest, who doesn't? Well, you certainly won't after watching this. In fact, you'll probably never eat another fish again in your life. I certainly won't be. Fortunately, I despise seafood already and I am absolutely delighted that I was right all along to shun the disgusting shite. From now on, eating seafood will be as fronwed upon as going to Sea World is, unless you're in Koh Samui and can gaurentee that a local fisherman has been out in his rowboat spear fishing since 3am to deliver it to you plate. Maybe then I'll let you off.

If you've ever wanted to see a young girl breaking down whilst being quizzed about her sexual history and any abuse she has suffered then this is the film for you. If that doesn't float your boat then maybe the scene where she tries to self induce an abortion by punching herself repeatedly in the stomach because she's too afraid to tell her parents about her pregnancy might do it? No? Maybe give it a miss then. I like that sort of misery, so I very much enjoyed it.

We all know the story of the guy who landed the plane on the Hudson river after a bird strike took out both engines. What is less known is how officials tried to blame him for what happened and tried to suggest he made the wrong decisions. Well this covers all of that, including the simulations and the heartache he endured throughout the process. I really like Tom Hanks but it's the first film of his I've seen in ages. He's done some proper shite films of late and he, unlike Captain Sully, needs to improve his decision making somewhat, although his reputation is much too solid for him to ever crash and burn.

You've probably stayed in a few shit holes in your time but nothing like this place I bet. The premise is great and I was really enjoying it, right up to the point where the Hemsworth showed up, with his tits out and that hair. Then it fell off quite a bit. The soundtrack, however, is superb throughout and now has me wanting to listen to acapella Motown as much as possible. It reminded me of Identity and of Clue, in that it's the meeting of a bunch of strangers and - spoiler alert - people die, so if you're familiar with either of those or if you're into meeting strangers in hotels, like me, then you'll dig it.

I'm a big fan of Bill Burr so it's no surprise that he was the best thing about this, for me. Marisa Tomei is always worth a look too but age is slowly getting the better of even her. The lead character annoyed me throughout and although I can see why they cast him in that particular role, he just wasn't convincing enough for me.

This poor bastard falls in love with an octopus and then has to watch as she flees sharks trying to make her their lunch. I'm not normally one for love stories, certainly not the type that include tentacles, but I do know there is a market for them out there given that there's an entire sub-genre of manga dedicated to them. Anyhow, this is about human connection, feeling lost and finding yourself, and, also, about the intelligence of animals. It's not even on that long so you really don't have an excuse.

This is a fascinating insight into the human condition, how we live, the emotions we feel and the events that shape us into the people we become. It is full of wisdom from people of many different backgrounds; the way we treat each other, the violence we inflict on one another, the ways we love each other and the motivation for our actions. It goes a long way to show how different life is for people around the world, how much of a weird and wonderful bunch we are and it really puts into perspective how small a part each of us plays. If one film could explain to future aliens how we lived on this planet during our short occupation, this would be it. John Doe said it best in Seven; what sick ridiculous puppets we are and what a gross little stage we dance on.

This is what Training Day would have been like if it had been set in Paris and made on a budget of £23.76. What I mean by that is, it was shite. I turned it off about 30 minutes of three pricks driving around in cars meeting people on the street, being mean to them and making shit banter with each other. Maybe it got a lot better and maybe for anyone who has seen the whole film, a 4 might be harsh, but I just ain't got time to waste on shit films nowadays.

If you're into watching George Clooney eat cereal - and I wouldn't blame you if you were - then you'll dig this. Many films nowadays move too quickly and try to pack too much in but this, I feel, goes a little too far the other way and does appear slow at times. There's nothing bad about it; it just won't blow your socks off. There's is some relief, though, that age gets us all eventually, even when you're George Clooney.

For starters, I adore Chris Nolan and would watch anything he creates. If he directed an eisode of TOWIE, I'd give it a go. However, I'm not sure where I stand with this. I loved the first hour or so but then, well, it went a bit West for me. And the last scene was just too much and went on too long, in much the same way that the last scene in Inception was too. I love that his films are clever but you can be too clever, I feel, and he might *just* be wanking himself off on screen a little more than I would like here.

This is about a group of bad motherfuckers who went to Chicago to smash shit up back in the day. Or did they? Where they just peacefully protesting the war? Or did the intend to incite violence? And what have the Black Panthers got to do with it? And how is Bing Bunny's carer Flop involved? Well you'll have to watch it to find out, won't you? I enjoyed this and so did my wife, which is a turn up. Of course she ran out of the room at the violent bits and cried at the end but it wouldn't be a Saturday night without a bit of violence followed by her tears, would it?

This is about how professional gamers can earn, literally, millions of pounds for playing computer games. I know! Crazy, right? It's a good job this wasn't about when I was a kid or I might not have ever tried at school. Me and my mates used to play Sensible Soccer for money but we only ever threw a quid in each and the winner got the pot. They were the days. And it was in my mum and dad's living room and not an arena, being livestreamed to thousands around the world. But still, the competition was fierce. I sincerely hope my kids don't turn into these sorts of nerds and instead concentrate on school.

We all have to do tasks in work that we'd rather not and we all have to take instruction from a dickhead boss from time to time (fuck you, Simon!). Well this is an extreme example of both of those things. It does a brilliant job of portraying the politics of murdering people via drone and also the despair suffered by the pilots who are ultimately given the final order to engage. It sounds like a cool job but, really, blowing motherfuckers up on the otherside of the world can be incredibly testing for your morals. Who would have thunk it?

This is six short stories in which people find themselves in distress and shows what could happen in common situations if people took things to the nth degree. Most are very entertaining and amusing and you should absolutely watch it. It's not currently streaming on any of the common platforms so you'll have to rent it for a small fee. Well worth your hard earned, though.

I recently read Matthew McConaughey's autobiography and he talks about this film being his big break. I was sure I'd seen it years ago but couldn't remember much about it so decided to rewatch it. The cast is incredible and McConaughey's performance is great when you consider how little acting he had done at that point. Not only did this film launch his career in Hollywood but he also got to snuggle up to both Sandra Bullock and Ashley Judd in it. What a lucky fucker.

Based on the terror attacks in Mumbai in 2008, this shows how viscious the terrorists were and how horrible rich people can be in a crisis. The most concerning thing about this film is that I can recall these events actually happening and it doesn't feel like 12 years ago. I am getting fucking old, mate.

This is about a guy that goes to Boston to try to impress an ex-girlfriend but instead ends up getting absolutely legless. It's about the struggle of disability and - just as tough, if not worse - the struggle of immediate fame. The moral of the story is that if you want your girlfriend back, you've got to lose some limbs. Girls love that shit, apparently.

Children are a product of their environment, whether that's the genes they were given or the way they were raised. And some parents, unfortunately, are angry bastards who, sadly, raise more angry bastards. I got an hour into this and got fed up of all the shouting so I turned it off.

This is grim, gritty and dark and displays the absolute worst that humanity has to offer. Therefore, I loved it. Being an absolute bastard means I thoroughly enjoy seeing people suffer, even if it is all make believe. I get a hard on for the suffering of real people around the world - and, let's be honest, it's a shitty world - and it makes me feel great about my own life. So if you're like me, get on it.

We all dreamed as kids of having an invisibility suit and of all the bedrooms we'd sneak into. Yeah, that's right, we're all proper little pervs as kids, you included. And let's be honest, we only get worse as we get older. Well this film is about a guy who achieves that ability and decides to sneak into his ex girlfriend's bedroom just to fuck with her. The first hour is great and it almost comes across as supernatural but it gets steadily worse from that point. Elizabeth Moss is an amazing actress and she plays the crazy lady very well.

This is actually a great film let down somewhat by the occasional narrator. I don't know if it's the accent, its inconsistency or just the way it's delivered. They could have extended the film by 15 minutes or so to explain what the voice over is saying and had an absolute belter on their hands. Anyway, as a parent to two kids, this fucking terrified me. It's all about our use of the Internet impacts the relationships we have and the choices we make. I've always been a big fan of the Internet but certain elements of it - especially for young kids who don't know better - are scary as fuck.

This is based on the true story of a black man being wrong convicted of a crime in the Deep South. I know, I know, we've seen it all before, but it's definitely a story worth telling. Given how horribly racist they all are down there, you might say he's lucky that he got away with just a prison sentence. And the worst thing of all is that non-Whites are still being treated like this all over America.

I couldn't even be arsed finishing this. Funnily enough I got just past the - ahem - midway point and gave up. If you're into dog fights and explosions then you'll probably enjoy this but it's very Michael Bay; all action and no substance.

Korean films - like many foreign films - generally are proper films. They have originality in abundance compared to the formulaic shite produced regularly by Hollywood. I'm big on originality so foreign films always interest me and this, in many ways, is great. It does, however, go a little too far and is, to be honest, a little too all over the place, even for me. Having said that, if you've ever suffered with Yellow Fever - as I have in the past - then you'll enjoy this because there are multiple sex scenes involving two attractive Asian females - kissing, spooning, going down on each other; it's all there. So tuck in.

This is about the love of a parent and how far they'll go to help out their child. It's also about fairness and doing the right thing. There is a fuckton of dialogue in this and, being in Romanian, subtitles are needed. Therefore, there is a lot of reading required. You may be better just reading a book.

This is all about those troubled souls who work the Hollywood Walk of Fame for tips dressed as Superheroes. They all had hopes of moving to Hollywood and becoming actors but instead the industry chewed them up and spat them out. It's quite sad, actually, seeing these people's clinging on to the absolute crumbs of their dreams.

Imagine telling people in 1943 that comedies would be made about Nazis and their hatred of Jews in which a young wannabe Nazi boy has Hitler as an imaginary friend. Well, that's where we're at. And that's not even the worst thing about it. It's just so, err, shite. It's got a great IMDB rating so I went in expecting good things which makes it so much worst. I nearly gave it a 3 but at least Scarlett Johansson is in it, although looking far from her best.

Everyone knows John Rambo absolutely does not fuck about but he's got even more not-fuck-aboutery in his old age. He unconditionally ensures every single motherfucker in this is dead before moving on to execute the next motherfucker with vigour. I'm just amazed not a single one of these baddies has ever seen any of the first four Rambo films! I mean, surely someone must have recognised the name and know that he is not the sort of man with whom you should be trifling? We've seen this sort of film a million times before but thanks to so many excellent deaths, I enjoyed it.

This is the story of a boy who runs away from his shitty parents and, through circumstance, ends up largely parenting another lady's small baby all by himself. Poor people in many parts of the world - Lebanon included - have it very tough and this is all about that struggle. There's a bit too much baby crying for my liking though; I have a six month old baby so I hear enough of that as it is. I battled through the baby-cry-induced anxiety and got to the end of this film though. It was decent.

If you're into raping, baby killing, brutal, gorey murders and racism then this will be right up your street. Seriously, it is heavy as fuck. Which, fortunately, is exactly the sort of shit that tickles my balls. Seeing someone on a path of pure vengeance is a beautiful thing, especially if the true realities of that vengeance are displayed in all their glory, in full HD and 55 inches across. Even I hate white people after watching this. Billy is the fuckin' boy, literally.

We've all disagreed with our bosses in the past but fuck me. This is based on the true story of a GCHQ employee who became a whistleblower after she broke the story of how the intelligence services were being asked to do some naughty shit in order to bribe officials from other countries to go along with the war on Iraq. It's definitely one for a particular type of person and if you watch Love Island, you're not it.

This is all about the other side of Florida, the one you dont see whilst visiting Disney World. It's also about how parents who are pricks end up raising prick kids. Sure, I get it, they're in shitty situations and have massive issues that stem from how they themselves were raised but fucking hell; spend some time with your kids, teach them manners and respect for other people and respect for other people's stuff. Otherwise you're just raising another generation of little twats that too will raise more twats, in some horrible neverending twat-raising cycle which ultimately just leads to misery for everyone.

If, like me, you've spent your whole life wondering what Derby looks like from a drone high above the city, you're in for a treat here. The cinematography of this is ramped up to max as the directory pulls out all the favourites; aerial shots, low-to-the-ground rush shots over sand dunes and the slow pan from vertical to horizontal as a body of water gives way to a city landscape. But yeah, Anelka. Always seemed a bit of a nob'ead didn't he? A bit full of himself? Well he probably is but he goes some way to explaining some of that here. I can respect someone who sticks to his beliefs and he clearly loves LFC and regrets how it didn't work out with us. Plus, he looks like a good dad. So he's alright by me.

This is about the impact adults can have on their kids, about growing up, about relationships, friendships, grief and the struggle to get out of a dead end town. It's about how your hobbies - and the friends you meet whilst doing them - can get you through the tough times. It is a remarkably honest account about the struggle through life and is even more impressive given that the guy behind it is himself so young. Bing Liu shows great maturity not just in the conversations he has but in the exceptional editing. Bravo.

The first of these was a good laugh and, of course, had Bill fucking Murray in it. This one doesn't have Bill Murray and isn't much of a laugh. I may have been slightly amused at some points but that was the extent of it. There are still some good zombie deaths which is my jam, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed. There was something fresh about Zombieland; the video game style it had. This one felt stale and didn't have much originality at all.

This should be right up my street 'cause I usually love proper misery like this. It's all about the struggles and stresses of life; zero-hour contracts, nob'ead bosses, misbehaving children, an unhappy marriage and all the suffering that comes with being poor and constantly on the edge. Sadly this is the case for many families living in Britain, and it's only getting worse under the Tory government. However, I found the acting to be pretty awful and no-one to be entirely convincing in their role. If you're delivery misery, it has to feel genuine and I have to care for those involved, neither of which were the case here.

This is about a happy couple who decide to adopt a young child but end up with three siblings, one of which is a teenager. It goes exactly as you'd expect and it tries to make light of how much of a fucking pain in your arse kids can be. There is one scene early on that had me crying laughing throughout the remainder of the film so that kept me going but the rest, in comparison, was a disappointment. It's definitely one to watch with your wife. If you find yourself alone with a couple of hours to kill, don't watch this; watch Gladiator for the 784th time instead.

I enjoyed this a lot. Guy Ritchie films are always entertaining and gaurentee a good few laughs. He certainly knows how to write interesting characters. It's no Snatch but let's be honest, none of Da Vinci's other work was quite the Mona Lisa, was it?

Corporations have been prioritising profit over people's lives for the longest time and this films covers one of the worst real-life examples of that. Sadly, decisions like this are still being made regularly around the world and people are still dying. Fuck Dupont.

A few years ago I probably wouldn't have even watched this film but now, as a parent, it sounded like something my wife and I would like. And we did. It was great. Points of this made me want to go upstairs and wake my kids just to give them a big cuddle. My wife and I both laughed out loud multiple times and she was in absolute bits throughout. It's sort of like Good Will Hunting meets The Pursuit of Happyness. If you have kids, you'll love it.

Let's be honest, we've all got pretty fucked up families in one way or another. All parents manage to break their kids somehow leaving us with monumental personality flaws that we'll be coping with our entire lives. A lot of tradition comes with weddings and this family's wedding tradition is pretty bizarre. My wife wasn't keen on the tradition I told her my family insisted on for our wedding night but thankfully she didn't ask anyone about it because I totally made it up. I'm not going to say what it was but it was a pretty disgusting sexual act. She took it well, to be honest. A few I Love Yous and a full day on the fizz can go a long way.

Fuck M. Night Shyamalan for making me think this would be good. And fuck him again for doing such a bad job of it. Unbreakable is great film and I enjoyed Split too so this, the finale to both, should have been well worth a watch. But it wasn't well worth a watch. It was shit. And it started so well. The end though, fucking hell. Awful.

There's no need for how often this bastard film goes from desperately quiet to eardrum-shatteringly loud. Couldn't put the fucking remote control down for more than 20 seconds. It doesn't help that Willem Dafoe mumbled throughout either, the cunt. The fact this is black and white and filmed in 1:1 ratio says all you need to know. Its a unique, intense and very odd - some may say pretentious - film which ultimately proves that when men are out of hope and losing their minds, the only salvation is the drink and masturbation. Absolutely one for the connoisseurs, this.

All I could think of throughout this film was, "Imagine how much he'd love a brew." I actually put this on with the baby asleep on me and I daren't move in case I woke him up. So, trapped, hungry, dying for a piss, caring for another dependable and wanting a cup of tea of my own, I began to relate to the guy in many ways. He is clearly the better man as he was seeking his own escape whilst helping an injured lady through an impossible course whereas I just sat on my arse under a blanket waiting for the sweet rescue of my wife coming home to make dinner.

The first hour or so of this was great, I thought. It then goes, well, a little bit shit. I appreciated what they were trying to do but they went a little too far with it, to be honest. It's quite evidently made by a bunch of stoners with daddy issues who spent one too many a night discussing the cosmos. Deep down it's a study of one man's character and it just so happens that the whole thing is set in space; it is far from a space movie.

I've had this ready to watch for years and my wife always refused to because she said it sounded sad. So the other day I thought, "Right! Sod it. I either watch it now or I never do." So on it went. I got about an hour in and my wife walked in. She asked me the sort of pointless question women ask when you're in the middle of watching something and turned her head towards the TV, right at a quite touching part. After about a minute she sat down without taking her eyes off the TV. A few minutes later, once that scene ended, she turned to me and said, "What's this? I'd have watched this with you." Women, ey. I despair sometimes.

I watched this years ago - before this website even existed - but I was surpised to discover recently that I hadn't reviewed it. I began writing a review for it before I decided that, really, I should watch it again. It had been much too long since my last viewing to do it any justice. I take this shit very seriously you see, so I can't just throw any old shit against a film I once saw. So last night I watched it again. It's decent. Not something, I imagine, that I'll watch a third time, but there you go.

This is fucking bonkers. I was expecting a sliding doors type film but there isn't just two timelines; there's about twelve. It managed to keep me entertained throughout somehow but there probably was too much going on. I imagine the guy who made it has taken lots of drugs in his lifetime. Maybe that's where I went wrong. Maybe I've not taken enough.

I don't know much about skateboarding but I did that thing we all did as a kid whereby, one summer, I spent about three months worth of pocket money on getting all the skating gear - board, pads, helmut, etc - before giving up after about two days because I wasn't instantly brilliant at it. Well this documentary is about the guys who didn't give up; about the likes of Tony Hawk and Rodney Mullen who not only became the very best skaters in the whole world, but who also largely invented most of what skating was back then and still is to this day.

I adored action films like this when I was a kid. Had I watched it back then I would have enjoyed it as much as I would have enjoyed a cartoon about a bunch of teenage-mutant ghost-hunting tomb-raiding transforming thunder power ninja GI cat turtle superheroes! I favour action films less nowadays, and, to be honest, cartoons too, but if you dig action, you'll enjoy this. It has some excellent one-shot scenes and loads of quality deaths; the up close and personal handgun deaths to the face are a particular highlight.

Some people will have you believe that Breaking Bad is the greatest TV show ever. People who think that will probably enjoy this as the one final fix of their favourite drug that it was absolutely meant to be. For me it was unneccesary and adds nothing to the franchise. I would have enjoyed it much more if the timeline had been longer and you'd seen how Jessie's life develops decades into the future. Sadly, it doesn't do that and it will leave most people who watch it wanting more. Which, for a TV show about drug use, is a entirely suitable way to end, I suppose.

This is worth watching just for the footage of the celebrations in Naples after they win the league title. The same passion that caused such celebrations also caused Maradona to be hounded out of Italy. It's a sad story in many ways. Maradona was a flawed human being who'd had a tough upbringing who couldn't take everything that fame brought his way, ultimately finding himself chasing the legend that his character had become.

This is based on a true story about a guy who was accused of, and almost prosecuted for, planting a bomb in a park in Atlanta. The thing is, he's the same guy who discovered the bomb and led people away from it, saving lives in the process. It's a shame it never got to court really because I was looking forward to the prosecution's case of Whoever-Smelt-It-Dealt-It.

This a murder mystery that is also rather amusing at points. The cast is exceptional although Daniel Craig's Texan drawl is fucking dreadful. Like anything she's in, it's worth watching just for Ana de Armas. What a babe.

What a wild ride. This is not at all what I expected. Them Koreans sure are some crazy ass motherfuckers. I expected some mad zombie film whereby some mad parasite gets all up in people's brains but alas I was mistaken. That, however, is why you should absolutely avoid trailers and other possible spoilers at all costs. The second I decide I want to see a film, I do everything I can not to see or hear anything about it because films are so easily spoiled nowadays. Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Gazza was a great player and an even better nutcase. Still is, in fact. Sadly his talent wasn't fully realised due to all the injuries and off field antics he got up to but when Mourinho calls you The Special One and Wayne Rooney says you're the best ever England player, it clearly means something.

I grew up in a family of five so I'm very experienced when it comes to pigging yourself on communual food. It's a skill you acquire out of what you believe is a sense fairness, but really fairness never results. I still carry the scars today; I throw food into my face at an alarming rate even now, before quicking swallowing it after minimal chewing. Even with food that is entirely mine and won't be shared. Even when I'm alone. I'd have faired quite well in this prison I think, assuming, of course, I didn't get consecutively shafted on the levels. The idea behind this film sounds very odd but it's pulled off very well. If you're into violent, horrifying dystopias, you'll dig this, and at just 90 minutes it's a great length; much better than watching two episodes of Whatever Shite Series You're Currently Watching on Netflix.

This is about what would have happened had the Unabomber not been totally bonkers mad and managed to have shit loads of kids. The answer would have been fucked up kids, obviously, which is pretty much what this is about. I get the idea behind it and would salute anyone doing this with their kids in real life but the whole thing was a little unrealistic, with it getting worse towards the end; a common problem with many films.

Well this is bleak as fuck. Basically everything delicious will cause you disease. Whether it's meat, sugar, dairy or whatever, you're asking - actually no, begging - for heart disease, cancer, diabetes and even dementia. You are putting your body under extreme stress by eating all this shite, both immediately (in your guts) and long term (pretty much everywhere). It's amazing any of us make it out of childhood, to be honest. But we're here for a good time and not a long time, so fuck it; tuck in.

I put this on despite having never seen any of the first 10 Apollo films. Turns out this is some sort of docudrama about man going to the moon. I know, I know, it's a little absurd but the footage looks so real! The fact that the footage is such HD gives the game away as we all know there was no such thing as high definition in the 60s... Seriously though, the footage included in this is incredible and really puts you right in the moment. Arguably the greatest feat ever achieved by humans.

I can't stand Adam Sandler. He's about as funny as being told of the death of a loved one whilst someone tries to remove your leg at the knee with a tablespoon. But this, I enjoyed. The most impressive thing about it is the battery life on the cunt's phone. He's never off it, never charges it and it never dies. It's hard for me relate to someone living their life in such a constant state of mania but I assume there must be real life people who do. It's incredibly original - something which holds such tremendous weight nowadays - and Martin Scorcese's influence can't be missed.

9.2 on IMDB? Get absolutely fucked. These have definitely spent a large portion of their marketing budget on paying Indian bot farms to give this a 10 rating on IMDB. Fudged beyond belief.

And the award for most realastic war film ever goes to... Yeah, you guessed it. Even more so than Saving Private Ryan, I'd say. It'll probably win all the awards. Like, all of them. Academy Award for Best Picture included. And Best Cinematography. And fucking loads of others. Because it is an exceptional film. It grabbed me by the balls from the get go and didn't let up until the triumphant climax, which, let's be honest, whenever someone touches your balls, is the best possible outcome.

This is about the report that was compiled on the post-911 practices of the CIA in capturing and torturing anyone with a tinge of brown in them. As you can imagine, the treatment of those prisoners was horrendous and the report proved that not only were their methods ghastly but they were also largely ineffective. Turns out that if someone is waterboarding you, you'll tell them anything just to make them stop, even if it's a lie. At least once it was all out in the open, those responsible could suffer the full force of the law for their crimes, right?

I'm a great believer in the mantra that if you want something doing properly, you have to do it yourself. It's one of the many personality flaws that my dad passed on to me; that other people, ultimately, are useless. So thanks, Dad, I suppose. Jim Cummings - the writer, director and lead part of this film - clearly feels the same way. I'm a little surprised he didn't just don a wig and play all the female parts too. Despite that all sounding terribly bleak, it's very funny. This is my sort of jam. Bravo, Jim Cummings.

The moral to this story is to never get divorced. Actually, go one better and don't even get married in the first place. You know what women are like. Parts are laugh out loud funny and other parts are crushingly sad. Laura Dern steals the show and I hope she gets an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress.

This is a documentary about the story of twin boys in which one of them has a massive car crash and forgets his entire life up to that point. Fortunately his brother reminds him about their good life, their amazing childhood and their wonderfully attentive parents. Sadly it's all a lie and if you want the sordid details, you'll have to watch it.

OK, well, this is officially off its tits. Original though, which I'm always banging on about, aren't I? Not sure I'd recommend it to anyone but I thought it was alright.

Did you know Americans played a huge part in drugs being smuggled into the USA from Colombia during the 80s? I mean, it's not like there's been a fucking million films made about it, has there? No, there's been more than that and I am fucking sick to death of them. They all tell the same story just with the focus being on someone new. This time, on one of the undercover agents. It was alright, I suppose, but I've had e-fucking-nough of them now. Blow is - still - easily the best.

This is about a time when racism was even more rife in America than it is today. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Black folk had to use the outside toilet for fuck's sake. I can appreciate the (true) story and appreciate the struggle that black people suffered at that time, but it's a fairly average watch and I feel it only garnered such praise upon release for the topics it covered.

This is about addiction and why doing crystal meth is highly advised against. It will fuck you up, yo. As will many other drugs. Hence why your parents bang on about why you shouldn't ever try them. But let's be honest, we do don't we? I mean, not the heavy ones, but the others. If you decide it'll be a laugh to try heroin, crack or crystal meth, then you're a fucking idiot and you deserve everything you get.

Fucking mad watching this with Donald Trump currently residing in the White House. Everyone was so sure he wouldn't win. They were insistent. We all were. I mean, how the fuck did this actually happen? Well, watch this if you want to find out but beware; you'll almost certainly get angry along the way. Sadly, if anything, things have only gotten worse since. But just how bad can things get? Can we learn anything from history? And is there any hope for us to cling on to?

This is a documentary about some nutjob who pleads guilty to a murder, which he tells the police he and an associate committed. But the associate claims his innocence. So what is the nutjob on about? And did he maybe dream it all up? If so, why would he implicate someone else? Who knows? And, more importantly, who cares? I clearly didn't because I turned it off after 35 minutes, absolutely guilty of the crime of boredom.

I adore the Rocky films with Rocky 4 being my favourite and, as far as I'm concerned, an absolute masterpiece. However, the original Creed was let down by the fact that Bluenose and all round embarrassing Scouser Tony Bellew was in it. I thought the second one would be better purely down to the fact Bellew wasn't in it, and especially since Ivan Drago is. However, this, too, was disappointing. But, having said that, these aren't proper Rocky films anyway, are they?

I put this on nice and early because I knew it was on a while. After a while, I paused it for a piss, then, a little while later, I paused it again to make a brew. A bit later I paused it a third time to get some food. Then, half an hour after I'd eaten I fell asleep watching it and when I woke up it was still on, so I paused it for another piss. When I turned it back on, there was still an hour left. I'm not joking. It's on for-fucking-ever. Yet it still feels rushed and all over the place.

This is a documentary about the prosecution of a Nazi who more than played his part in the horrors of Auschwitz. He claimed he did no wrong but even at the outrageous age that he is, motherfucker still needs to get his commupence.

This is about how Ford took on Ferrari to try to win the Le Mans 24 Hour Race back in the 60s. It's no Days of Thunder but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Christian Bale and Matt Damon are always worth watching although, whilst historically accurate, the former's accent - not for the first time (err Batman) - annoyed me somewhat. If you like racing films, you'll obviously enjoy this.

I like Jordan Peterson - he's intelligent, articulate and passionate about his beliefs - but I do think the noise around him now is too much. I agreed with the original point he made about drawing a line in the sand somewhere regarding free speech but he has now chosen to die on that hill and it's not a hill I would die on. People on both sides - both in favour of him and fervently against him - have missed the point and are jumping on the band wagon in both directions, muddying the waters. He, too, in defence of himself has, at times, gone too far and become a caricature of himself. The amount of money he is making with these pursuits are also making some people question his motives. I think Bernie Schiff summed it up best when he said that Peterson is polarising at a time when more polarisation is not what we need.

Sequels are a lot like sex; unless you recognise the characters from a previous encounter than it's probably going to end up being disappointing. We may all think that if we were ever given the chance to make sexy time with Kylie Jenner that'd it'd be amazing, but it probably wouldn't. Partly because you don't know how to best please one another, but mostly because she's almost certainly a selfish bitch. This is almost like two films in one; part one is the fumble around with someone you've never shagged before and the second part is the quick wank you find yourself having over pictures of your ex, which still, ultimately, leaves you feeling disappointed.

This has the feel of a movie made by some kids fresh out of film school. For that reason some may like it. And for that reason, sadly, I did not. It was turned off within 40 minutes.

This is another tale from the far off future where your friendly neighbourhood robot turns out to be anything but. We've all seen it a million times before and this does very little to stand out from the crowd. The only good thing is that it'll leave you wondering how far off genuinely attractive and realistic sex robots are. I mean for Christ's sake, we can't be that far off, can we? Just hurry the fuck along because I'm am all sorts of keen about getting me one of those badboys.

This is about how, if you're raised right, doing wrong, breaking the law and hurting people is not worth the anguish you will put yourself through, and how your morals will get you in the end even if the law doesn't. Unfortunately there's no easy way out of the grind and even if you can pull something off to make yourself a quick buck, you'll suffer in many other ways because of it.

Eating meat is bad for the environment, bad for the animals involved and, it turns out, bad for you too. This has honestly left me thinking I should cut down on meat. I mean, I could never eliminate it entirely because shit be too tasty, yo. But, you know, I'm up for giving it a go. Tofu, quorn and all that shite can't be too nasty, can it?

Turns out people will say some pretty batty shit. And they'll say a lot of it. Especially if they're Muslims and your Muslim daughter dared glance at a white boy. Apparently you can take the boy out of Pakistan but you can't take Pakistan out of the boy. Fuckin' crackers that this still goes on in the world today, you know.

We all have that one motherfucker who wronged us who, given the chance, we'd love to get revenge on. Well, this is about that, and the lengths that people will go to to seek that revenge.

Anyone who's ever seen any Batman tale has wondered to themselves how the Joker turned out the way he did. Well this is the origin story we've all been waiting for. Joaquin Phoenix, as always, plays the role exceptionally well (although I preferred Heath Ledger's Joker) and the story - given the fictional narrative of Gotham city - is plausable. It's very much Marmite though, I imagine. Some people will hate it; your girlfriend/wife especially.

I remember hearing about this and thinking that the plot sounded totally absurd. Well it's much worse than I thought. I grew up loving ridiculous action films like Commando and Rambo but fuck me, this is up right there. Entertaining enough though, I suppose, if you can ignore all the daftness. Which, sadly, I struggle to now that I'm an adult living in the real world.

This is a documentary that follows a family of a man who has killed himself, as they try to come to terms with his life and his death. It brings about many difficult conversations and deep emotions and offers a glimpse into the impact loss can have upon each individual of a grieving family and the impact on the family as a unit. As you can guess, it's an absolute laugh riot.

This is all about how we're being fucked over and manipulated by Social Media giants and how we, in fact, are their product. If it sounds boring, that's because it is. I have a keen interest in this shit and even I lost interest before the end.

This is another documentary about the Barkley Marathons, an ultramarathon that takes 60 hours to complete; if you're hard enough to finish it, that is. Only a handful of people have ever completed the course within the 60 hour time limit and this is about another guy trying to add his name to that list. What these guys put themselves though is pretty fucking stupid, really, but it certainly makes for an entertaining watch.

I have a great deal of respect for Stephen Hawking; for his genius, for the effort he put into his theories and for the fight he showed throughout his disease. However, I wasn't terribly convinced by this film. A lot of it is just conjecture about what may or may not have happened to a bunch of Tory nerds.

This is about the pressures of being married, of making ends meet and of getting by. And the impact all that has on your children. It's told brilliantly from the perspective of a teenager as he sees his parents suffer with their jobs, with their pride and eventually with their relationship. It demonstrates well the confusion the young lad is feeling as he tries to make sense of an adult world in which the two closest people to him go to war with each other and with themselves.

The moral to this story is to keep your fucking front door locked. It's a tale of revenge in which a good man is driven to action after his wife is attacked in her own home.

You know what this reminds me of? You know that home-made porn you've got of you and your ex-girlfriend from 2007? The one you watch more regularly than you'd care to admit? You know how you often wonder what it'd be like to have sex with her again now? Well, you know what, it wouldn't be good. She's gotten awfully selfish in the last decade, not to mention that she's had three kids and put on four stone. She doesn't even wear make up anymore for fucks sake. Just because something was good back then doesn't mean it'll be good now. And the remakes (both parts) of Stephen King's It are definite proof of that.

Everyone fucking hates clowns, don't they? John Wayne Gacy had a fair bit to do with that for previous generations but for my generation, the original It film, from 1990 - also obviously based on Stephen King's book - was the main reason. Well, that film and the proper nonce clown you had at your sisters birthday when you were six. You've been terrified of white gloves ever since, haven't you? This film is a remake of the same Stephen King story because, clearly, Hollywood has ran out of ideas. The clown bits in this are great and the guy plays the part well, but he's no Tim Curry. I didn't expect this to match the original and sadly it did not.

This is all about how much of a fuckin' wrong'un Harvey Weinstein is. I was expecting really, really detailed accounts of exactly how he abused women but it didn't happen and in the end, disappointed, I had to just put my limp dick away.

This is about a couple living on a remote island looking after a lighthouse who are struggling, despite their best efforts, to have kids. One day, as fate would have it, a boat rocks up containing a dead man and his alive baby. Just as they're about to ring it in, they have an idea; what if they kept the baby for themselves? But would anyone find out? If you're into lighthouses, bad weather, posh accents, telling your wife "I told you so" or baby robbing, it's very much worth a watch.

Like Inglorious Basterds, this is a vision of an alternative reality in which we have to consider what if? You do need to know your Hollywood history somewhat to fully appreciate it but it's still worth a watch even if you don't. It's absolutely worth watching for Pitt and Di Caprio, although it is pretty self-indulgent at times.

This is the latest in a long line of game-changing Indian horrors, such as, err, you know, and, erm, that other one. OK, OK, I can't think of any because who the fuck watches Indian horrors? Well, apparently, I do. I did have my doubts before putting it on because, well, it's an Indian horror, but it did stand up to Hollywood horrors in both production quality and disappointment factor. I found that I couldn't care less about the characters and I was too tired to be arsed with the subs, which is unusual for me, so I turned it off afer an hour.

I was recently complaining about how bad horrors are nowadays and someone recommended this to me as one of the good ones. I will never again listen to a word that person says. If you told me a group of stoned 14 year old boys wrote the script to this film, I would absolutely believe you. It starts off well but then goes totally off its tits and ultimately just doesn't make sense. It does, though, at least try to have a narrative - even if that narrative is all over the fucking place - unlike a lot of the shit horrors nowadays that reply purly on jump scares.

This is about the life of The Amazing Randi, a young boy who became obsessed with magic who then grew into a man that hated seeing people being misled by con men claiming to have real abilities. He spent his career calling out the likes or Uri Gellar and Peter Popoff and he could prove that they were faking it. It's an interesting account of an interesting invidivual.

If you're 14 and think gangbangers - one of which is a moustache-laden tattooed Jamie Lannister - going to prison and having fights is cool, you'll probably like this. Unfortunately I'm not and I don't. Nor am I particularly keen on fighting, prisons, tattoos or moustaches. And I positively dislike the Lannisters. So, yeah, you guessed it; not the best.

The boys in the space program didn't half have to go through some shit as they pushed the absolute limits of flight. I enjoyed how this film wasn't dumbed down as well - as often many are today - because fuck the idiots.

Blow basically tells the same story but does it much better. Plus, Johnny Depp is much less annoying than Tom Cruise.

All very German, this. And very war-y. You know, as in war-like, not wary, as in, wary. Although I suppose you could say it is wary throughout, as it's basically a little boy wearing an adult's uniform and acting the grown up. If you're into war shit, you'll enjoy it. I'm not really, so I didn't, to be honest. I kept just wishing I was watching Inglorious Basters which is a much better film and is much more amusing, which, in the end, distracted me.

A great man once said that humans are the reproductive organs of technology and that couldn't be truer in this film. We all know that the coming war between humans and AI is inevitable and that ultimately it'll probably enslave us. Well this film serves as yet another dramatic allegory of that fact. It reminded me quite a bit of Altered Carbon, if you've seen that. The ending pleased me too.

I love my laptop, I love Google Calendar, I love Social Media, I love face timing my girlfriend when the wife is in bed and I love reminiscing over old photos and videos of times when I was happy, back when my wife wasn't such a evil bitch. And the guy in this film utilises all of those things in a quest to find his daughter. His wife isn't a total cunt; unfortunately she died meaning he has to do it by himself, which - hang on a minute... That gives me an idea...

I've fucking had it with horror films. Honestly. Just fuck off.

In a world where so many films and TV shows are rehashed and recycled, this is a breath of dread-filled fresh air. Compared to Hollywood, foreign films often are. And this one absolutely delivers again. They don't just make good bacon, them Danes. The whole film is focused on one Police dispatcher who takes a call from a woman who has been kidnapped. That may sound simple but it's just done so well. And at a runtime of only 80 minutes, it's easy for you to fit in.

We've all had bad days at work but fucking hell. Picture the scene: you're at the bottom of the North Sea tethered to a diving bell which is tethered to your ship which is over 2,000 feet above you at the surface just casually trying to do your job. Then, for some reason, which you're totally unaware of as it's happening, the ship begins to drift, meaning your diving bell is dragged off course, as are you. Bad, right? Well, it gets worse. Imagine then that your tether, the only thing connecting you to the surface, gets caught on something and snaps... Yeah, exactly. The fuck do you do? Well, watch this to find out.

Freddie Mercury was fucking great, the story of his life is fucking great and Rami Malak playing Freddie Mercury is pretty fucking great too so, as you'd imagine, this film is pretty fucking great as well. Whether you're a Queen fan or not, this is worth a watch. The world is absolutely a worse place for not having Freddie Mercury in it.

A group of ex-military hardmen get together to go into the jungle to rob a drug lord of all his fortune. It's a decent watch but nothing I haven't seen a handful of times before. I'm delighted it was on Netflix though because it meant I didn't have to spend Ł10 on going to see it at the cinema. Although, had it been on the cinema, I probably wouldn't have bothered.

This highlights another case of the persecution of black people, this time during the Detroit riots in 1967. Basically a bunch of arsehole racists use their badges to try to strongarm a bunch of black people into admitting they were doing wrong. It's a real-life representation of the abuse of power and the power of obedience, something psychologist Stanley Milgram was studying in lab experiments around the same time. Sadly, shit like this is still going on, five decades later and, even worse, many racist arsehole cops are still getting away with it.

A lot of this sounds like bullshit to me but there's no harm in thinking positively, practicing mindfulness or doing yoga. They can all make you feel better and prepare you better for your journey but I'm not so sure they're going to cure your cancer.

Based on true events, this tells the story of a little Indian boy who, whilst out on the rob with his brother, falls asleep on a train and wakes up to find he's miles away from home in Calcutta. Not being able to speak Bengali and having no money means he can't get home. He ends up in care and ultimately gets adopted by an Austrailian family with a mum that looks like Nicole Kidman and a dad that looks like Shane Warne 10 years into a meth binge. It's entertaining enough and might make you cry, if - you know - you're a little bitch.

If I start watching a film trailer and the first 20 seconds or so piques my interest, I turn it off. I avoid spoiling films for myself as much as possible. Trailers, reviews and the like are ignored regularly. The problem with that is, sometimes a film doesn't turn out to be about what you thought it would be. And that's the case with this. It wasn't at all what I expected. And not in a good way. Plus, the girl in it so blatantly has a Kiwi accent when she's meant to be American and it wound me the fuck up throughout.

This is the real life stranger-than-fiction story about three triplets who were split up at birth and how they happened to meet as 19 year-olds and what became of their relationships and their lives from that point forward. I'm a twin, born seven minutes after my sister. When people find out I have a twin sister, they often ask me, "Are you identical?" It takes all my restraint to not scream in their faces, "AM I IDENTICAL? TO MY TWIN SISTER?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

This guy is the maddest cunt that's ever lived. How he can think this is even achievable, let alone actually fucking achieve it, is just unbelieable. It's absolutely crazy that he's so good at climbing when he's got his massive fucking balls to lug around everywhere. I do feel sorry for his loved ones though. And someone needs to teach him how to use cutlery; he spends far too much of this eating straight out of pans with fucking massive kitchen utensils.

Kids are kidnapped constantly, or so you would be led to believe. Certainly around my parts. Possibly because I'm always kidnapping them. Well, this film is based on a real case in which a family friend just up and took someone's kid, fucking off his own family in the process. I just don't see how the logic works in a person like that. I mean, she wasn't even that good looking; I've seen much better looking kids than her; a few of which are in my basement.

I was never into Bros when I was growing up because I wasn't a teenage girl. I was very much into teenage girls though so I was aware of who Bros were. To be honest, they were pretty big so were hard to ignore. Matt and Luke Goss have both done a lot with their lives and both are pretty wise. This documentary covers the immediate weeks before they play a reunion gig. It provides good insight into band dynamics, family dynamics and what it's like to know someone as well as you know yourself.

We are all very aware of Fake News nowadays and how it is used by some people to influence our opinions, but Noam Chomsky has been making noise about it for over 40 years. People generally are gullible, believing that whatever is on the news is true and because of that the media try to influence us all into agreeing to the agendas set by the elite. He has also been a big advocate of standing up to the media, the state and to your government. This is a film from back in the day covering all of that. Chomsky is also one of the greatest debaters of recent years and I very much enjoy listening to him.

This must have, pound for pound, the most action in any film ever. It's just fucking relentless. But it has to be because the POV thing is pretty strange. I love POV; it's my favourite type of porn. But for 90 minute film? I'm not so sure about that. It's a bit of a challenge because after a while it just feels like you're watching someone else play a hyper-realistic video game. But, to be fair, I think they pull it off. Not sure it'll catch on though.

This is about Richard Turner, considered by many people to be the greatest card mechanic in the world. And if that isn't impressive enough; motherfucker is as blind as Stevie Wonder. This is a story about obsession and the heights of achievement it can drive you to. This guy loves card tricks so much that he even named his only son Asa Spades Turner. That says it all.

There's an absolute fucking nutcase within each of us, just hiding beneath the surface waiting to be unleashed. We know this is true because it's been proven in studies. You know, by Science and shit. Well, the crazy inside the main character of this film burst out of his skin a long time ago because he created like 27 personalities that each take their turn coming "into the light". Basically one or more of those personalities decide to kidnap some young girls and throw them in a basement. Terribly original psycho behaviour, I know, but, still, it's decent.

I hate all these so-called Social Media Influencers. You know the type: Kim Kardashian, Kylie and Kendall Jenner, Emily Ratajkowski and the rest of those big-titted, lip-filled, bikini-wearing never-worked-a-day-in-their-lives whores. Having said that, I have to admit, I would love to murderfuck them all in the face, 'cause bitches be smokin'. Anyway, this documentary about a failed music festival sums up a lot of what is wrong in the world today, although, it's not exactly their fault. The fault lies squarely at the feet of someone who aimed too high and fucked up in a big, big way. If you enjoy seeing ambitious people fail as much as I do, you'll enjoy this.

This is a dramatisation of the time that mad Norwegian cunt went berserk on an island just outside of Oslo, killing multiple teenagers for what he claims are political motivations. Homeboy probably just got a chip on his shoulder because no girls wanted to touch his dick back when he was in high school.

Everyone loved Bobby Robson. He was a true gentleman and a working class hero. A man almost too kind and too honest for football. This documentary covers some of the struggles (and achievements) he had, both in life and football, as he tried to stand by his principles.

How many women turned to their boyfriend or husband whilst watching this and said "You never took me on a space walk on our first date!" Fucking loads I imagine because women are cunts. Mine didn't because I don't have a wife or girlfriend. I'm just a sad, lonely loser publishing swear words to the Internet. But I digress. This is pretty much a RomCom passed off as SciFi and, worst of all, of fucking course it gets totally ridiculous by the end.

I went to London once and whilst there - as well as doing my best not to get stabbed - I went to see the stage version of this in the West End. It was entertaining and just scary enough that it managed to frighten my girlfriend into being horny. You know what they're like. Anyway, it reminds me of Old School horror done in the proper way; and by that, I mean the British way, with authentic English accents, a few quirky outfits, a handful of jumps, screams and terror with a dash of laughter for good measure. But, alas, that's enough about my sex life.

I like Al Gore. I feel like we could have a pint together. He's a genuine guy with good intentions. A lot of what he said 10 years ago has come true and this is yet another stark warning from him on the state of the planet. Basically it's fucked; so we too are fucked. I'm going to do my best to do my bit; in fact, I'll go start raising awareness of this right now on Social Media. Oh, look, Kanye West has been saying more crazy shit. And that latest Bird Box meme on twitter is great. Now let me just check my Instagram. Aaaaand I've forgotten all about Al Gore and global warming. Easy peasy. Happens to all of us.

I love morbid shit so the story of Christine Chubbock has fascinated me ever since I first heard about it years ago. Well, they finally made a film about it. It does a good job of showing the mental decline she suffers and then, ultimately, how she chose to resolve it, but apart from that it isn't up to much. We all have bad days but after one too many there's a chance we might just blow.

This is about the poaching of endangered species, the absolute bastards that do it, the heroes trying to stop it and the risks associated on both sides. Elephants and rhinos especially have been under tremendous threat for decades but it seems now like something is finally being done about it.

This is about how sex trafficking found a home online, how kids were exploited, how a handful of bad people made lots of money from it and how the system failed to put a stop to it for far too long. It really is astonishing how stuff like this is still going on today in America. It's cheery viewing, as you can imagine.

This is a documentary based on outstanding book of the same name by Andrew Solomon. It's one of my favourite books so I was looking forward to the documentary for ages. The subject matter - children who are born so drastically different to their parents - is a tough one but they are stories that absolutely need telling. This should be mandatory viewing for people wanting - or those already with - a family. It serves as a warning that despite your best efforts, you do not have full control of how your children will turn out.

The US Military love to use drones to blow the ever-loving shit out of their enemies - well, I say enemies, what I mean is men, women and children; many who are innocent. These are just normal people going about their lives when one day a hellfire missile falls out the sky on their heads, wiping out their entire families. This is about all that good shit and about the impact it can have on the drone operators and intelligence officers involved.

This is about the worst school shooting in American history; and I mean worst not by the numbers but because of who the victims were - 6 and 7 year-old children from Sandy Hook Elementary school. It covers the events of what happened and also the lobbying that came after to tighten gun laws. Unfortunately, if children being gunned down by a nutcase with an automatic rifle is deemed acceptable by those in power then nothing will ever change those laws. Interviews with many of the grieving parents mean this is a very tough watch at points.

Just your standard brain dead action film with loads of overpaid stars trying to be amusing whilst kicking the absolute shit out of super-hard foes with ease. Often these sort of films just end up being cheese-on-toast shite produced for an idiot population and this is no different. Don't know why I ever get my hopes up. I turned it off around half-way through. Salma Hayek would still be very welcome to spend the night with my dick, though.

Bruce Springsteen is an excellent storyteller. It shows in his songs and it's very fucking apparent in this show. This is the recording of an incredibly intimate show where he tells stories from his life - each full of wisdom - punctuated with acoustic versions of his songs. It's worth a watch even if you're not a fan of his.

This is the story of Kurt Cobain; about how he was a tortured genius who never really found his place in the world. I was never much of a Nirvana fan as they were just before my time but still, it's a sad watch.

I've always enjoyed films about bank robberies and this is another to add to the list. It's like a modern day Heat. It's great. It's probably a little too clever really but isn't that part of the fun with these?

This is all about the career of Liverpool Football Club legend Steven Gerrard; the momentous highs and the weep-inducing you'll-never-be-happy-again lows. As a Liverpool fan, not only did I live through each of these moments with Gerrard as his career progressed but, being nearly the same age as him, we walked a parallel path towards manhood together. Growing up comes with its challenges - some we shared but many we didn't - but few, if any, have suffered the levels of expectation and responsibility that he has.

This is about another bunch of mad fuckin' aliens coming to earth and fucking shit up, so if you're into that, you'll like this. To be honest, it was worth watching just for the memes. However, on top of that, the first 20 minutes are absolutely sensational. Some of the best opening scenes I've seen in a long time. It does trail off a bit but is still entertaining.

This is a documentary about the true story of how a Titan II rocket - one with a live fucking nuclear warhead attached - exploded in an underground bunker on the fucking mainland of the United fucking States. Bullshit you say? Well fucking watch it because DAYYYYYUUUUM. These motherfuckers be lucky as, yo.

This covers the true story of the attempted assassination of a high ranking member of the Nazi party during World War II. It was pretty watchable until the endless shootout near the end, at which point I gave up. Shootouts more than about 30 seconds generally test my patience and this did that to such a degree that I just turned it off and went to bed. War nerds may enjoy it more. American actors talking English with a foreign accent when, in reality, they'd be talking their native tongue, winds me up too.

What a horrible Nazi-war-criminal-looking Bond-Villian-wannabe twat this guy is. He jumped on the back of a Donald Trump and rode him all the way into the White House. And that may not even be the worst thing he's ever done. Trump, Stone, Manafort and Cohen - cunts, the lot of them.

Too slow paced for me and far too much drawling. Plus, I don't particularly enjoy films that are set before I was born, partly because I'm a selfish bastard and partly because my history teacher in school was very handsy, if you know what I mean. I just struggle to relate to a bunch of hicks crawling around on a muddy farm, being all melancholy in a world that doesn't even have the internet. Plus, the women all look like shit so there's not even any eye candy.

You either believe that Messi is the greatest footballer that's ever lived or you're wrong. I feel incredibly privileged to have been able to watch his whole career. This film splices old footage of a growing Messi (which is great) with reconstructed footage (which is not). It's told in a very bizarre - Argentinian, I assume - way though by getting anyone who knew him growing up into a restaurant and filming them all chatting about him. There is an excessive amount of reading involved trying to keep up with the subtitles and in the end it will do your fucking head in.

This is Hollywood's latest installment of AMERICAHHHH!!! FUCK YEAH!! This episode concentrates on the events surrounding the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013 and again shows how awesome the Real American Heroes are. To be fair, the events of the bombing were pretty fucking bonkers in real life so they make a decent film, although it's all very Mark Wahlberg, if you know what I mean. I do like how the footage of the bombers used is actual footage of the real bombers though.

Basically the wanker from Twilight puts on 13 hoodies and robs a bank with his mentally handicapped brother. I could see what they were trying to do but I just couldn't be arsed with it. In years gone by I wouldn't have turned it off but I have a kid nowadays so my time is fucking precious.

These Mission Impossible films are great fun despite - or maybe because of - how totally fucking outrageous they are. As usual, Ethan Hunt should die numerous times but doesn't, the unrealistically hard bastard. They definitely lose a bit of their impact when not watched at the cinema, especially so when you have to watch them on Channel 4, adverts and all, like I did. I obviously recorded it and fast-forwarded past the ads though because I'm not the sort of Grade A twat that watches live TV.

Growing up, for the longest time, I wanted to be a marine biologist. I thought it would be great swimming with dolphins in warm seas off the coast of somewhere like Florida or studying the hunting habits of Great White sharks. I thought I'd live just off the beach and spend all my free time fighting bikini-clad 10s off with a big stick. Then I did some research and discovered that I'd most probably spend my life studying seaweed in a shit hole like Sunderland or Bangor. Well, I thought, fuck that. Anyway, this documentary is all about how we've ruined the sea, along with the rest of the planet. Soon we'll have no coral, no fish, no beaches and no bikini-clad 10s. Humanity really is a virus on this planet and it's fucking disgusting what we're doing to it.

This is a dramatisation of the real-life events covered in <a href="film/1080" target="_blank">Citizenfour</a>. It provides very good background and simplifies things well for the idiot majority. The difference between the two films is like the difference between shagging a real woman and shagging a sex doll. The sex doll may be better looking but they just don't have the genuine squeals of pain - nor do they omit the same odour - which, for me, are the things that really makes the experience truly worthwhile.

This is like an Italian version of The Departed. It's all about how if you live by the sword, you die by the sword. To the fucking face. It's fucking great if you're into motherfuckers killing each other, which I absolutely am.

In 1972 Gene Cernan was the last man to set foot on the moon. He talks about his childhood, his time in the navy, the space race, the early days of the Apollo program, the Apollo 1 fire and when he finally made it to the moon, the absolute silence that greeted him there. He also talks about some of the personal challenges that he faced as an individual, both in astronaut training and during the mission itself. There's also loads of great footage from the past including some of planes crashing into aircraft carriers which, you know, is cool as shit.

This is about all the old boys who got Apollo missions started and some of the many challenges that they faced, all supported by archive footage and audio, with just a dash of CGI. It's a very well told story about a group of guys absolutely pushing the limits of engineering and mathematics. These are the last great explorers and you can hear all about their experiences in their own words. These guys have some fuckin' balls on them.

Christian Bale's eye vein plays a blinder in this. It's very cowboys-versus-indians, if that's your thing. It's not really mine but I enjoyed this nonetheless.

I knew nothing of the true story behind this when I put this on; just that it was about firemen fighting wild fires. Well, fuck. Shit goes off, yo.

This begins with some park rangers in the Congo trying to protect their mountain gorillas but turns into all out civil war. It's one of those right-place-right-time things for the journalists. Or wrong-place-wrong-time really, I suppose, depending on your outlook. It ends up barely being about gorillas at all and instead concentrates on the absolute fucking state of the country and the safety of all the park rangers and journalists involved.

I <a href="review/1419" target="_blank">wrote a review</a> for <a href="film/826" target="_blank">Insidious</a> in 2011 saying the special effects were so bad that they might as well have just thrown a sheet over a bad actor's head. Well, guess what? Someone was obviously listening and thought that was a good idea because that's exactly what happens in this. Some may say it represents a unique way of looking at the afterlife but I reckon a lot more will just think it's a load of shit. It's possibly the slowest paced film I've ever seen and that's fucking saying something. And, worst of all, it's played through a 1:1 aspect ratio.

I guess if all this is true then the evidence is quite compelling but, you know, is it? I don't know. I struggle to believe anything that is presented so one-sided because I'm a skeptical fuck. I'm sure a lot of it is true but the bit about finding little green men in saucer shaped objects? Nah. I'm not having that shit, mate. If you believe in aliens or conspiracies in general, you will lap this shit up.

This is so 80s in the way it is made that watching it now is a bit cringey. The way the blacks are treated in this is also cringey, although I'm sure they'd argue it was a little worse than that. You have to be terribly careful when writing about race; I mean, the fact that I've just used the word THEY to talk about black people is making me nervous. We all know the southern states of America have been - and still are - frightfully racist, and this film depicts just how awful it was to be brown in America in the 60s. Thing is, we're not actually that far away from behaviour like this. You only have to look as far as who's in the White House to see that.

What a man Bill Shankly was. A true one of a kind and a genuine football legend. He made the people happy.

This is all about how Dr Evil is creating fucked up robotics with the sole intention of wiping out the human race. Well, not exactly, but these fancy new medical devices can come with some severe side effects. Calling them side effects is pretty disrespectful to how much these things can ruin your life, but it's worth mentioning that, in most cases, medicine is doing fantastic things, saving people lives and improving the quality of lives in great numbers. When it does go wrong though, it can fuck you up big time.

This is all about how poor people in developing countries are dying because they can't afford the astronomical prices of drugs that treat HIV. Pharma companies are choosing to price these people out and therefore choosing profit over people's lives. With Africa only making up 1% of their global sales, these companies could make it cheaper to save African lives but they chose not to. So can something be done? Watch this and find out.

George Galloway, the former politician behind this film, may have embarrassed himself on live TV by pretending to be a cat on Big Brother but he's not responsible for the deaths of over one million people, is he? Tony Blair is a selfish, dictator-swooning, war-mongering, money-hungry war criminal. Pretty much everything he does is done in order to line his pockets. This may well be a one-sided story but it's paints a pretty telling image of how much of a twat Blair is.

Tom Cruise is fifty fucking six now. Imagine how old a fifty year old is, then imagine someone six years older. Yet, here he is, still doing that fucking pointy-fingered, chest-out, chin-up, swinging-arm run. I mean for fucks sake. Come on now, Tom. Enough is enough, mate. Give it up. Let someone else have a go. Pass on the baton. Jib the botox injections, get yourself a warm milk and put your feet up. This doing your own stunts and comedy trademark run shtik can't go on into your sixties.

The character of Alejandro, played by Benicio Del Toro in the Sicario series, would fuck your shit up for even looking him in the eye. He'd probably say something like, "You got a problem, gringo?" and you'd stand there like a dumb fuck, eventually blurting out "N-no, mate, I'm, err, all good" whilst trying your best not to piss yourself. But guess what, you do have a problem; a fucking big one. And guess what? So does he; your fucking stupid face. And he's about to punch it off. Because of this, I fucking love him. He is one of my favourite characters ever. There is probably more manliness in a breath of his fart than you have in your entire body.

This is about the role played by pharmaceutical companies and doctors in the expanding reliancy on, and addiction to, prescription drugs. It is more widespread than you'd ever have guessed and people are literally dying because of it. People think they're OK to take because they've been legally prescribed by your doctor. Well, guess what? They're not. And your doctor may well have motivations other than your well being.

John McAfee is shit-in-my-mouth crazy. Not only did he wind us all the fuck up for years with pre-installed anti-virus bloatware but he also lived a pretty bonkers life, running off to central America and getting up to all sorts of sordid shit.

We all love a lie in but fucking hell. This is pretty brutal. This is about the suffering endured by people who have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME) and the impact it has on their lives. So what causes it? Genetics? A virus? A mental condition? Mold in the walls? Who fucking knows. And that makes it all the more scarier.

If you enjoyed the board game Cluedo as a kid, or the film Clue that was based on it, you'll love this. It's a murder-mystery in which, like Clue, all the possibilities are played out as more information is discovered. It's pretty far fetched at points but very entertaining. I guessed the outcome with about 20 minutes to go but, to be honest, I am a clever bastard. It is well worth one hour and forty five minutes of your time.

This is like a real life version of Stephen King's The Long Walk, one of my favourite stories. It will either inspire you to get off your fat arse and do something or it'll make you think "Fuck that!" Either way, it will bring about some emotion and that can only ever be a good thing. Too often we sail through life without ever casting a judgemental eye on our own lives, so go on, you fat fucking lazy bastard, put the pie down and get this watched.

This is about the mistreatment of blacks in America's inner cities by both police and the law courts, specifically in LA, and the resulting riots of 1992. As I sat in one room watching this, my wife - whom I love dearly - sat in another room watching Love Island, a Big Brother like show in which good-looking idiots try to out-idiot each other whilst simultaneously trying to steal each other's girl. It is Moron TV of the highest degree. Because she enjoys shite like this makes me question why I even married her.

Not much really happens in this and the end is absolutely off its tits. It scores a magnificent 10/10 on the Your Wife Will Fucking Hate It scale.

My brother can be a bit of a prick but at least he's never talked me into robbing a bank with him. This, ultimately, is a bank robbing film involving car chasers, gun fights and all that good shit. There's a bit more to it than that but, being honest, I watched it about two months ago and I've not been sleeping great for over a year now thanks to the inconvenience of having a baby so my memory isn't what it once was. The moral of the story here? Don't have kids.

This is about how, back in the 60s, General Tito managed to sell a piece of shit space program developed in Yugoslavia to the Americans for $5,000,000,000. That's the equivalent to $50,000,000,000 today! Tito was clearly a mad bastard and JFK swallowed his shit whole. As you can imagine, the Americans, once they realised how they'd been duped, didn't take it all too well. This is the story of what happened and the personal costs incurred by those involved.

Cowboys versus Indians is the oldest story in the world. Well, that is, if you're American and ignorant as fuck. Although they clearly go hand in hand. What I mean by that is, if you're American, go fuck yourself. Seriously though, go fuck yourself... I mean, err, seriously though, this is, really a film about Cowboys and Indians and guess what? It doesn't work our terribly well for the Indians, although if you know anything about your American history, that won't surprise you. I enjoyed this and, to be honest, it's worth watching just for Elizabeth Olsen. I would love to giddy up a hoedown all up in her saddle, if you know what I mean.

In 1864, the Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution abolished slavery except as punishment for a crime. But the leaders of the freeworld still needed cheap labour to keep the economy going. So what did they do? They made criminals out of as many people as possible. And when I say people, I obviously mean blacks. Small acts were criminalised and black people were portrayed as criminals throughout American media. This really took off in 1970s with the war on <strike>blacks</strike> drugs and prison populations soared. Now prison labour is a huge money maker for many rich white people and the corrupt system is still being used to oppress black people. And with the likes of Trump in power, things are only going to get worse.

Emily Blunt's massive fod vein gives an Oscar worthy performance in this. Large portions of it are in complete silence so beware of some twat down the front with the popcorn. In one of the most unrealistic scenes in cinema history, they have a game of Monopoly in complete silence! Ridiculous! We all know every Monopoly game ends with someone flipping the board upside down and telling everyone, loudly, to fuck off. However, it's tense as fuck, the monsters are boss and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

This is an extraordinary story about a film maker making a film about one thing and stumbling across something much, much bigger. Russia, Putin, the Olympics, doping, murder and mystery. It's got the lot. And it all really happened.

This is a story about how a well behaved child can grow into the type of young man that commits armed robbery on a bank. Why did he do such a thing? What choices did he make to lead him down that path? And once on that path, what decisions did he make to try to improve his life?

I hate the saying "You couldn't write it", especially by Sports commentators. Don't these people watch films or read books? People literally write all sorts of crazy shit all the time; the human imagination is almost endless. Have these people never read any fan faction online? Anyway, the true story covered in this documentary almost certainly couldn't - or wouldn't - be imagined by anyone, because it's just so fucking bonkers.

This is tense as fuck and I love it. Young German POWs being made to pick up the bombs their fellow countryman buried on the beaches of Denmark during World War II whilst being bullied by some cunty Danish sergeant. Achtung minen, indeed.

This is a video diary made by a former NFL player who gets diagnosed with ALS, the same disease which Steven Hawking has. His decline from healthy young man into someone who can't do anything himself is a tough watch, especially as he and his wife also have a young child to raise.

This is all about Internet censorship, the fight for free speech and Net Neutrality. There are some nasty bastards making some very mean decisions that will absolutely impact you and I in the very near future and it's important we don't let them get away with it.

This is about the local journalists from Raqqa in Syria who covered the revolution against President Assad and how ISIS gained a foothold there in the vacuum that was created following his downfall. It shows the lengths ISIS will go to recruit new members and keep quiet those who oppose them. ISIS are now a much bigger problem than just in Syria but the work done by these local journalists remains some of the most important of recent times.

This is about mankind's obsession with getting to the moon, why we wanted to get there and why we stopped going. Putting men on the moon - and, more importantly, bringing them home - is the greatest achievement mankind has ever achieved. The Space Race changed the culture, boosted the economy, gave us a shared motivation, inspired inventors & demanded inventions, all which have dragged us into the future and served as a Great Leap Forward in terms of technology. So should we go back to the moon? Or Beyond? Can we afford to? Maybe the question we should be asking is, can we afford not to?

This is about the golden age of racing, the evolution of race cars and the evolution of racing. Ford knew winning car races was the best way to sell cars so they tried to buy Ferrari in order to inherit its racing team, the best in the world at the time. Ferrari refused so Ford went balls deep to build the GT40 in an attempt to beat Ferrari. This is the story of that rivalry.

This is about the history of race relations in America and about the impact the likes of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King had and about the consequences of their deaths. Like MLK and Malcolm X, James Baldwin was speaking out, very eloquently, against racism at the time. The difference being that he was not assassinated. This is part of his story.

This is an Iranian film about an evil spirit; it builds slowly but does a decent job of fucking with you. Because it's not American it doesn't go totally over the top with the CGI or the scares.

Whataloadofshiteasaurus.

This is another stonking documentary from Joshua Oppenheimer. A man with balls the size of watermelons and a serenity to match goes around interviewing the men responsible, and their loved ones, for the deaths of thousands - including his own brother - during the genocide in Indonesia in the 60s. Not one of these bastards displays even the slightest remorse. None of them want to answer his questions nor confront what they did because it makes all too real the fantasy they've created in their own minds. It's fascinating to watch.

This is all about how feminism has gone too far and how men are now the ones being treated unfairly. The documentary maker - who is a lady - does a brilliant job of being impartial and, to be honest, the people from the Men's Rights Movement, both men and women, are quite convincing. I'm now going to absolutely insist my wife takes the bins out and will be suggesting every disagreement we have is settled by an arm wrestle.

I was told this was anywhere from "decent" to "good" by a few mates of mine, which, with a horror, will do for me. Chopping up dead women also happens to be one of my favourite past-times so I assumed this would be right up my street. Unfortunately, it's terrible, so those so-called friends of mine can get to fuck. It's also managed to tickle my perverted kink just enough without actually satisfying it, so I'm afraid another poor girl will have to die, the blame for which rests solely on the mates of mine that recommended this film.

This follows the traditional Hollywood recipe of man meets rifle, man likes rifle, man climbs a clock tower and starts taking out passers by using said rifle. Except this is based on real events from 1966 in Texas. This is an animated reenactment of some good old home-grown terrorism from back in the day using genuine witness testimony and archive footage. My only disappointment was that his motives for the attack weren't really mentioned. And in a world where today we're fed that simply being brown is motivation enough for these sort of assaults, the reasons for such an attack so many years ago would have been interesting.

I enjoyed catching up with my old pals from Trainspotting but, just like many of my real-life friends, they've grown old and boring. I much preferred them when they were injecting heroin and robbing shops. And the same can be said of the Trainspotting characters.

I fuckin' love these depressing stories of run-down middle-America where a bunch of inbred alcoholics declare war on one another. And this is one of the best I've seen. It's also incredibly funny, having me laughing out loud one moment before delivery a swift kidney blow of melancholy the next. This is a proper old-school, balls-out storyline with spectacular acting, plenty of C-Bombs and at least two females good-looking enough to keep my dick interested. I nearly gave it a 9 but the ending didn't totally satisfy me. However, it's the best film I've seen in a good while and I expect it to sweep up at the Oscars.

Some fuckin' fool traveled to Syria to talk to locals about the war and you'll never guess what happened!? He got kidnapped to fuck. This is him reliving his steps and talking about his experiences. He was much too merry about the whole ordeal for my liking, and, being honest, seemed a little mentally unstable, so I turned it off because he was doing my tits in.

We've all tied up our wives and girlfriends in the past and then done whatever we pleased haven't we? Great isn't it? Well in this film - adapted from Stephen King's book - that's what this guy does. Except instead of beating his wife about the face with his dick or leaving her there whilst he plays Xbox, he instead goes and has a heart attack. What a fucking maverick! As you can imagine, she is less than pleased with this outcome so she spends the rest of the film hallucinating and generally being a mad bastard. Unfortunately it's just a bit shit.

This is a documentary about how Timothy McVeigh got all bomby in Oklahoma City in 1995. It's interesting enough but I've read a book about it - which was much more detailed - so, for me, I learned as much about the bombing watching this film as I would learn about human reproduction by watching a five minute preview of soft-core, Channel 5 porn.

I had high hopes for this because when people say good things about a horror film, I want to believe them. Why is that, you ask? Well, it's because horrors nowadays are fucking dog shit, mate. That's why. I yearn for a good'un. One to remind me why I ever loved horrors in the first place? Well guess what? This isn't it. It's like a poorly done B movie and the twist, if you can call it that, is just as bad. I actually had to check when it finished that it wasn't directed by Rob Zombie. If you're familiar with his work, that should say everything you need to know. Fuck this film, fuck those people who recommended it and fuck Rob Zombie.

Often when I'm watching a film I find myself thinking, "They could have got a fitter bird". Not this time. Ana de Armas is just delightful. This films portrays many bad possibilities for the future but if having a digital girlfriend that looks like her is one of them, fucking sign me up.

I watched this with my wife because she said she wanted to see something funny. She said everything I watch is always miserable and depressive, so I told her life was miserable and depressive and really, when you think about it, deep down, what's the fucking point of it all? I mean, really? The world is fucked and the only way to truly feel connected to this shit life is to ferment yourself in amongst the sadness and melancholy. She had no reply.

If you like films involving car chases, bank robberies, car chases, indestructible baddies and car chases, then you'll really like this. It goes a bit ridiculous at the end, if I'm being honest, but that's what people want nowadays, I suppose. Not me, I'm getting old and anything slightly unrealistic winds me up. Still, entertaining enough.

A bunch of attractive young astronauts find alien life in space and bring it on board their ship to study it... Yep, you know where this is going, don't you? Despite it being one of Hollywood's most predictably story lines, this does a brilliant job of delivering and includes some of the best zero gravity deaths you're likely to see.

This is about the impact of the Internet in today's world, how we got here and what may come in the future. Society, appliances and people rely on the Internet nowadays & this covers a few snapshots of what that means to us now and in the future.

This is the film based on the Cluedo board game, and is - being brutally honest - pretty shit compared to what's about today. However, with that comes a certain charm. I loved it as a kid and Tim Currie is brilliant. It's also got an element of genuine mystery to it, some excellent comedy moments, a unique ending and, best of all, one of the characters is a fit maid with massive tits.

I got called all sorts by my Alien-obsessed friends because I just said this was OK. Just because something is set in the Alien universe doesn't automatically make it amazing. It's just another space film with weird creatures that want to eat your face. I would watch anything in which Fassbender plays David though. He's brilliantly cast and does an exceptional job.

Sure this is a bit like the other Alien films - xenomorphs against humans and synthetics - but it's also a bit like Pandorum and Sunshine and many other space craft based films. I've probably seen too many of them, to be honest, as there's very little originality left in them for me. I loved the first hour or so but then it got a bit samey and I figured out what was going to happen far sooner than I should have. Worth a watch, definitely, but not a patch on the originals.

This is about how politicians, corporations and bankers have played us - and each other - using mathematical models, psychology and propaganda to create an illusion of freedom based on our individual selfish desires which we have been coerced into complying with. Rather than greater freedom, the outcome has instead been greater control of the masses and more wealth for the very rich. It's an incredibly clever piece of work but what else would you expect from Adam Curtis? He's a fucking genius.

Pretty strange way to conduct a documentary, this. They basically ask local actors and actresses what they think of the case. It's more about the morbid curiosity that we all have for murders rather than this particular case. In that sense, though, it's fairly interesting.

Society is broken. We've let the Masters of Mankind get their way for too long and you and I, and the billions like us, are getting fucked over, and will continue to be so. If only we could start all over again and have Noam Chomsky define the systems of society, the world would be a much better place.

This won the Oscar for Best Picture? Seriously? I must be getting old or something because I just didn't get it. And it can't just be because I don't like black people or queers.

I watched this because my wife wanted to see it, which, for starters, usually mean it's going to be shite. It tries to be much too clever for its own good and the constant back and forthing just did my fucking tits in. Emily Brunt is usually worth watching as well.

This is basically an alcoholic Denzel dishing out 50s ghetto speak to his nearest and dearest about how tough his life is. I managed an hour but turned it off when I realised it had another hour to go. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Like all the good war films, this has some brilliant battle scenes with all the blood, guts, gunfire and explosion that you'd expect. Although, that's the problem with all good war films isn't it? You know what you're getting and you're rarely surprised. This follows the same formula as the rest - with the usual pinch of AMERICAAAAH, FUCK YEAH - but it does it well.

The Nazis were fucking bastards weren't they? Some of the death camp footage in this looks exactly like how you'd imagine Hell would look like. Brutal as fuck.

When I was a kid I used to tell anyone who'd listen that when I grew up I just wanted to live in a single room that had a bed, a fridge, a microwave and a computer in it. My idea was that I'd just sit and play computer games all the time without having to work. Thankfully no-one told me about the benefits system or I'd probably have never gone back to school. The people in this film are living my dream, except it doesn't look all that much fun. I enjoyed it though; in the same way I'd enjoy a highlight reel of a long dead pet. It scored an 8/10 on the Wife Cryometer.

Tarantino is the king of dialogue. He always has been. He can make a bunch of girls sat around a table talking shit seem interesting. In fact, he does just that in Death Proof. This is another dialogue heavy film of his but it has enough suspense, mystery and action to actually deliver. It is on a long time so you may need an interlude or two. And, chances are, your girlfriend probably won't like it, so fuck her off for the night and get a pizza in. 14 inch meat feast; no fucking about.

Life really kicks some people right in the balls and relentlessly keeps on kicking, doesn't it? These sort of films are always worth watching because they remind you that your shit life isn't as shit as the lives of some. Casey Affleck play this part really well because it's the same fucking part he plays in every fucking film he's in. Same could be said of Michelle Williams really. Would have been nice if just one of the characters in this film had just a drop of personality.

This is yet another bleak English film about how life is shit and how it'd probably be better to just kill anyone you care about followed quickly by yourself. I appreciate what they were trying to achieve - the positions the characters find themselves in are far too common for a supposedly advanced society and it's good that it's been raised - but it wasn't done terribly well. Most of the actors couldn't act so the authenticity was largely lost on me, the main character mostly to blame.

This film came out before man even landed on the fucking moon. That is just preposterous. It is so far ahead of its time and has cinematography that will stand up against pretty much anything released today. However, it does go pretty fucking bonkers, if I'm being honest. I'm almost certain that tabs of LSD must have been handed out with each admission ticket at the time. And I'm not entirely convinced the 20 minutes of narrate-less Attenborough footage is necessary at the start either.

This is about planned obsolescence and why all the capitalist pigs who run all the major companies are all massive wankers. Imagine actually designing your product to fail after a certain amount of time because you're a greedy cunt. The content was interesting enough but it was all delivered in a very American way, if you know what I mean.

According to a stat that I've just totally made up, 86% of people who went to see this film in the cinema were female. Why do you ask? Because look who's in it for fuck's sake! George Clooney and that other one they all adore, wearing suits throughout. What's his name? You know, the one with the chin? Is it Ryan something? Ryan Reynolds? No, that's not right. Whoever the fuck he is, so what? I bet this was dreamed up by some horny female film executive during a particularly vigorous cocaine binge.

This is a documentary about a guy that wanders the cliffs of a suicide hotspot in Japan looking for people who are considering it and preventing them from doing so. And he does it for nothing as well. What a kind hearted bastard. Whereas you - you horrible shit - you can't even be delayed three minutes by a guy threatening to jump off a flyover without shouting, "JUMP, YOU FUCKING USELESS TWAT", can you? Well shame on you.

There's something about mist and fog isn't there? It's creepy as shit. Not knowing what is ten feet ahead of you can be absolutely terrifying. Especially when you're doing 70mph along the motorway in your brand new car. It just takes one dithering twat in front of you and you could be dead. Or worse, left on the wrong side of blame in a complicated insurance claim. It could be worse, I suppose. Someone could have opened a portal to another world and there could be blood hungry creatures in the mist hoping to rip your face right off. I mean, that would suck, right?

There's a school shooting in America - yeah, I know - and this guy's kid ends up dead which, as you can imagine, hits him pretty fucking hard. He loses his job and his wife and all that and, ultimately, begins doing open mic nights singing the songs his deceased son wrote. It's a cathartic process for him which ends up giving him something to live for, but as we all know, life can be a real bitch at times.

If Operation Yewtree taught us anything it's that famous people like their meat well undercooked. And where do most famous people in the whole world live? Yep, you guessed it, Hollywood. Well by putting two and two together you can figure out that Hollywood is absolutely shoulder to shoulder with child molesters. It's sort of like a tuna can filled to the brim with erect penises and questing fingers, only it stinks, much, much worse than tuna does. After decades of it you'd think something would have been done about it, wouldn't? Well, you'd be wrong.

I liked this film for the same reason that I went out with so many Goths in my teens: it's different. Well, at least that's what I used to say when asked. It was a lie, of course; I went out with Goths because they do the most disgusting things in the bedroom and when you're 17 that's what ultimately matters. But yeah, this is different to most films and is fairly edge of the seat stuff. The end was pretty fucking bizarre but still, I enjoyed it. Plus, we're all well aware that authors are often fucking weirdos anyway and this leans toward that conclusion.

This is football tribalism as its very worst and shows brilliantly how football can sometimes just be used a platform from which angry young men spread their hatred. A lot of people come out of this very well and, unfortunately, they're the ones to have suffered most.

This is a story about a really nice guy that went to some really bad places in order to bring the bad things happening there to the attention of us in the West. And you know what happens to really nice guys in really bad places? Yep, really bad things.

Alien ships land at various points all over the planet and yada yada yada. Yeah, you've heard this one before, haven't you? But wait! This film then follows the attempts to communicate with the aliens rather than how killy they are, which, as you can imagine, is difficult as fuck. So what do they do? Well they get a linguist in to help. But can she help? Can anyone make any sense of the alien mumbo jumbo? And if they do understand some of it - more importantly - how will it be interpreted?

The world is fucked and Leo DiCaprio will not stand for it. He's going to make films and shit about dead corals and lack of fresh water and what-not and you have to pay attention because he's a model-fucking movie star. I mean, I like our planet and, you know, Leo is a dude, so I can get behind this. The problem is, you, like me and everyone else who watches this, will probably be sad about it for an hour or so and you'll decide that you're gonna do something about it, and then you'll pick up your phone and your attention will be pulled off the planet and you'll go on living your life exactly as you had.

This is a documentary about the death of Kitty Genovese and how ALL OF THESE PEOPLE heard her being killed in the street and ALL OF THESE PEOPLE just turned a blind eye to it. Stories claimed they turned up their TVs or turned over in bed because, you know, I ain't getting involved in this shit. Except, is that true? Did ALL OF THESE PEOPLE see it happen and do nothing? Did ALL OF THESE PEOPLE even hear a commotion? Or did some journalists just make stuff up? Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Some little cunts break into this old blind guy's house looking for stuff to nick but it turns out they ain't happened upon no helpless weed. No, in fact, they happened upon some old, mean I-been-up-in-Iraq-and-shit-and-I-ain't-got-time-for-this bastard. And he don't take kindly to these baggy-pants-wearing, sideways-cap flaunting, ignorant, have-it-easy motherclucking chicken fuckers. You can probably guess the rest.

This about all on nerd warfare between nations all trying to nerd the shit out of each other with programming. It's like some proper cheesy Hollywood film, probably starring Jesse Eisenberg, except all of this is true. Given how we're all pretty much balls deep in Cyberspace nowadays - yeah, you included - this should interest everyone.

This is a documentary about the time California fell down. Can't believe it wasn't on the news. The place is fucking destroyed. I bet all them millionaire movie stars aren't laughing now with their homes in pieces around them.

The police is Mexico are either too shit, too corrupt or too terrified to do their jobs properly, so armed militia are doing it for them. Towns and villages that need protecting from the drug cartels are fighting back with armies of their own and it's all rather inconvenient for everyone involved. It's like the Wild fucking West with automatic machine guns.

Went in expecting this to be a monster movie or an alien movie or something but it ain't either. It's a crazy-guy-gone-done-kidnapped-me movie. Or is it? Not sure what's happened to Mary Elizabeth Winstead either. She used to be fucking fit; now she's just alright in the same way that every girl you ever fancied in school just became alright after having had a kid. In much the same way that this film is just alright, alright?

This is about some crazy lawyer motherfucker who was asked to go to Germany when it was moody as fuck to try to arrange a swap deal between political prisoners. It's a true story about a time America did something right, so of course they made a movie about it because AMERICAAAAH, FUCK YEAH!

Your mum would probably love this, which says everything you need to know about it.

This is based on a true story about that time Jennifer Lawrence blagged everyone into believing that she was a brilliant actress. I mean, she's alright like, but she ain't as good as most people make out. Mostly everyone just wants to have sex with her so she gets away with it. I, too, would probably have sex with her, if she asked politely and wasn't overly aggressive about it, but I don't let that cloud my judgement 'cause I'm a professional fucking criticiser. But yeah, give this a miss. It is shit.

This is about an FBI informant being asked to look into an American Muslim who they suspect could be a terrorist, but they fuck up and the supposed terrorist figures them out. So what do the FBI do? Do they admit their mistake and step off? Do they fuck. It provides an interesting perspective about how the FBI go about some of their investigations and how, at times, those investigation are plain wrong.

This is your standard prison drama with an added bit of dad and lad spice in which they are both locked up and can't stand each other. The dad acts the big I Am and the son has to prove that he's worthy. It's got the usual mixture of gangs, weapons, fighting, foul mouths and short tempers, with the stereotypical prison shrink trying to tame the wild animals. It's entertaining enough, I suppose, but it's nothing new, nor is it particularly savage.

Everyone loves a Rocky film; well, unless it's Rocky 5 or Rocky Balboa. No-one loves them. But everyone loves the rest; Rocky 3 and 4 especially. If I meet someone of my generation who doesn't, I instantly judge them, because what the fuck, dude? Anywho, like I said, everyone loves a Rocky film. The problem with this is, it's not really a Rocky film. Rocky ain't the one kicking ass, so it's just another boxing film about some young dude. And the connection with Liverpool, my home town, just made the whole thing seem corny to me.

This is another film about the AIDS epidemic in the 80s and how the gays fought against it, losing many loved ones in the process. It's decent but it's been heavily covered in recent films so there wasn't anything unique about it. Plus, you know, gay scenes and that.

I went to see this last night, just hours after the attack on Brussels airport and metro by ISIS, so it was all a bit too real at the start. But, as the film progressed, it got considerably less realistic; in fact, it got pretty fucking unrealistic. Gerard Butler is, as the heroes often are in these films, bulletproof, and if that doesn't wind you up, the President of the USA running around with an automatic rifle killing terrorists and dodging walls of fire certainly will. Fortunately the terrorists in real life aren't as organised - nor do they have the resources available - as this film suggests. Let's hope, for all our sake's, that it stays that way.

This was entertaining enough - even amusing in parts - but it just wasn't, err, real enough for me, I suppose. Nowadays, unless I'm watching someone really struggle through the banalities of life, in constant torment and right on the brink of self-destruction, well, I just don't really dig it. Give me a Romanian film about a one-armed child conceived through incest over another superhero film any day. I fully expect tears, shouting, swearing and violence. And plenty of it. But, you know, that's just me.

This is a series of prison experiences and criminal life beautifully told by an articulate deathrow inmate. Nick Yarris is a wonderful storyteller and what he has to say is fascinating. It is brilliantly edited together by David Sington and is well worth 90 minutes of your life.

This film details the systemic child abuse that occurred in Boston, and elsewhere, for decades, and about how the church covered it up from the top. It's brilliant in a fuck-The-Church sort of way that will leave you seething. The abuse may not be news to anyone any more but when you see it spelled out like this, it'll still have an impact. And the acting, especially by Mark Ruffalo, is exceptional.

This is about how drug traffickers in Mexico are now the rock stars of the country and how musicians are using the infamy that comes with the bloodshed to make money from writing songs about their crimes. It's the Mexican version of gangster rap but it's all too real. People really are being killed and the violence is, and has been for years, out of hand, but, you know, sing about it over a catchy melody and cha-ching!

The world is fucked; not just because of the economy, but because of climate change and ISIS and poaching and biased news agencies being controlled by corporations and drought and parents putting their seven year-olds in beauty pageants and people not using their fucking indicators, and, well, I could go. You manage to forget all that though, then you see something like this and you're reminded of it all. People are horrible, selfish, greedy bastards and the whole place is going to shit. Enjoyable? Yeah. But have we learned anything from it? Have we fuck.

This is a tale about how all immigrants are cunts. They come to your land, kill your wildlife, steal your horses and take your daughters. It is a very unique story which provides relief in a world full of re-hashed storylines. The Gladiator-like opening scene is immense and it's got the best bear performance you'll see this side of a traveling Russian zoo. Oh, and Leo's character, ironically called Glass, is hard as fucking nails. Who knows, he may get that much coveted Oscar after all.

Someone told me that this was about how aggressive Wales can be and I was like, "Yeah, I know, mate. I've been down St Mary Street in Cardiff on a Friday night." He just looked at me like I was an idiot. Still, I enjoy fighting films so I watched this. However, I was sorely disappointed. There was very little fighting, the Welsh accents were awful and it was based mostly in the sea, with Nantucket Island being the only place ever really mentioned, which I've never heard of. Maybe it's up by Bangor; I dunno. Anyway, if you're into big fish fucking shit up, you'll probably like this.

Everyone hates long, boring car journeys, so what better way to make one more interesting than to use your in-car telephone to destroy everything that makes your life good? That would keep things interesting, wouldn't it? It's a great idea. Nearly as good an idea as making an 85 minute film in which the camera is almost exclusively focused on Tom Hardy's gorgeous face. Gets a little weird at one point but I think I liked it.

This is about some train in the future taking the last of humans to somewhere 'cause something terrible happened and now the earth is fucked. I know, right? Sounds shite doesn't it? Well, it is.

This is obviously a metaphor for the struggles of every day people to follow their dreams and to transcend the class they were born into. Your mum and dad may be working class but if you believe in yourself and work hard, one day you can own an entire harem of RealDolls for you to degrade in every disgusting way imaginable. After all, if Trey Parker can become a millionaire, anyone can. I expected this to be shit but it was aiiiight. Plus, Shailene Woodley has a face you won't tire of looking at, so there's that.

This film trivialises kidnapping, extortion and murder, but, you know, The Rock sort of makes it amusing, so where's the harm? It's based on a true story about real killers doing real crime yet we're made to believe that it's all a big joke. If those things amuse you or you enjoy looking at big muscles, then this may be for you.

This guy gets stranded on Mars with very little water, food or oxygen and has to Science up some way of staying alive until the rescue mission arrives, which will only take a few fucking years. If your mum and dad ever left you alone in the house for a few days as a teenager, you'll know exactly how he felt. You may have ran out of cash for take out and ran out of milk for cereal but you didn't have grow an entire crop of potatoes in your living room, did you? Being a man of Science, I thought this was great.

This film beat <a href='film/330' target='_blank'>Hotel Rwanda</a> to covering the mass genocide of the Tutsis by the Hutu militia in Rwanda in 1994. Both cover how cuntish and how kind humans can be. Generally though, when one group has guns, there's only one winner. And with so little outside help, the Tutsis stood no chance. The scary thing is, shit like this still occurs today, so be thankful for what you have and maybe try stop being such a prick to everyone all the time, ey?

Your first day in a new job is often a twat of a day, isn't it? You have forms to fill in, policies to read, people to meet who's names you'll forget instantly and, worst of all, the only available chair in the whole office is always fucked. Well that ain't shit compared to what happens to the prison guard in this, who, on his first day, finds himself left amongst the prisoner during a riot. But can he convince them that he's an inmate rather than a guard?

Who doesn't love a good mystery? Especially one as cryptic as the Toynbee Tiles. Do they refer to anything with substance or are they just the work of some crazy bastard intent on fucking with the public? Either way, you'll be intrigued by it.

This is the dramatisation of the life of Whitey Bulger, a Boston gangster who paid the FBI off and got away with some terrible crimes, including numerous murders. He was also apparently an informant but he himself rejects that claim. I preferred <a href=film/1111">the documentary</a> but it comes with distinctly less Johnny Depp."

Halle Berry is in her late 40s now but she's still worth a wank. This film, however, isn't.

Once is bad enough, twice is unforgivable, but going back in time three times without actually doing anything worthwhile except trying to improve your own life is downright disgraceful! Marty and Doc have the ultimate opportunity to make the world a better place, yet what do they do? Absolutely fuck all, that's what, the selfish fucking bastards. What's that? Stopping Hitler is a bit too on edge for a family film, is it? Well, they weren't thinking that when they killed Bambi's mum, were they? Fuck Marty, fuck Doc, fuck Hollywood and fuck you.

Even if you're not a fan of rap music, this is a story worth being told. The emergence of rap music changed the face of the music industry and inspired white kids everywhere to drop the N bomb. An entire generate of kids across the world, both black and white, were inspired by this music and with that came the further disintegration of racist attitudes. Given the impact Dr Dre then had on Eminem's career, you'd have to say he's done more than most to ease racial discrimination.

This shit will make you hungry. And I don't just mean because Scarlett Johansson is in it. Although, to be fair, I would tuck the fuck into that. It's one of those feel good family films that your girlfriend will probably love so, as the credits roll, you may be able to take advantage of her brief moment of joy by asking for a bastard sandwich. She may, for once, do as she's fucking well told.

I normally love documentaries, especially ones about poor people because I just sit there on my lovely, soft couch in my nice, big house and laugh at them. This, however, quickly became tedious. Basically the job of these interrupters is to prevent crime by speaking to the criminals about why they shouldn't be crime-ing so hard. I'm well aware that it's a good idea, especially given limited police budgets and overcrowded prison, it's just... I don't know how to put this... I just don't really care about it.

That's right, motherfuckers. Check the fucking date, yo. It's motherfucking Back to the Future Day. I first saw this film 25 years ago, yet I waited 'til this day to review it, 'cause I knew even then that I'd have a motherfucking film review website. And you want to talk to me about time travel and knowing the future? Bitch, you ain't got no motherfucking idea. A bit like Marty in BTTF 1, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, this shit be ace; I love how it interacts with the first one. And no, I'm not gonna make a hoverboard joke, 'cause fuck you.

John Eleuthčre du Pont was what you may call a proper mad cunt. All I knew of this before watching it was that it was based on a true story and it was about wrestling. Proper wrestling, I mean; not the Yee-haw-Randy-Savage-chair-over-the-head sort of fake wrestling we all grew up watching. Turns out there's much more to it than that. This will definitely inspire some Wikipediaing once it's over.

This is a documentary about the time Joaquin Phoenix had a total fucking mental breakdown, did loads of drugs, and decided to become a rapper. SPOILER: It didn't go great. This is hard to watch because seeing people you respect be so vulnerable is always going to be tough but maybe he was just acting the whole time? If so, it's a stellar performance.

I've adored Benicio Del Toro since he was in Usual Suspects and he's been one of Hollywood's major bad asses ever since, but fuck me. He is such the fucking bad ass in this; someone not at all to be trifled with. This is in-your-fucking-face tension at its fucking best. The brilliantly unsettling score, the out-of-the-top-draw cinematography and the brutally honest realism all add to what is a truly brilliant film. Get it watched.

This is about the prosecution of Whitey Bulger and how utterly fucking corrupt the FBI were in this case. Bulger got away with terrible crimes for years because he was protected by FBI agents that he was paying off. Those FBI agents then claimed he was an informant in order to justify leaving him be for so long but did he ever actually provide any information? Or was it purely just bags full of cash?

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91Dk-m-UPAQ" target="_blank">This is a documentary</a> about a woman who killed herself, three other adults and four kids by driving the wrong way down an interstate and colliding head on with another vehicle. Did she have a medical episode or was there a more obvious explanation? Well I've got a theory because I've seen it, but I'm not telling you, because fuck you; I'm no snitch.

This is about the history of Napster, the development and tremendous impact of the MP3 and how it, along with downloading, changed the face of the music industry forever. And if, like me, you were part of it, you'll know it was an incredibly exciting time. Partly because of Napster, but mostly 'cause of internet porn. What a time it was to be a teenager.

Enjoyed this. Tom Hardy plays both the parts brilliantly. The way they're filmed alongside each other is very well done and, well, Ronnie Kray was a fucking nut. Well worth a watch. And not a cheesy Kemp in sight.

This is like a trailer for Alzheimer's that spoils all the best bits. And when I say best bits, I mean the most grimmest bits. Fingers crossed no-one you love ever has to go through anything like this. It's a right twat of a disease.

Expected this to be crap. It was. I laughed a couple of times early on but it was turned off before the end.

This is nothing like Full Metal Jacket. Turns out the Vietnam war wasn't that much fun after all. Who'd have thought it?

I've always been more of a pimp, to be honest, because I like controlling bitches, but having seen this, I reckon I could Tony Montana the shit out of the drug game. Plus, bags of coke don't talk back at me, and you never have to bury a bag of coke in the woods because you got carried away laying the smack down on it either. So it's a win all round really.

Rich people think they can get away with anything including murder, because, well, they often do. Isn't that right, OJ? Well, this is about some rich fella with a wicked temper who killed a handful of people and liked to dress as a woman. Sounds like Hollywood, doesn't it? Well it's not. There really are crazy motherfuckers like that about.

This is about three siblings who aren't allowed to leave the house. Like, ever. Sounds great to me; just imagine all the family parties you'd miss out on. You could just stay at home, browsing the net, watching films and masturbating. Which, let's be honest, is how you spend the majority of your free time anyway, is it?

This goes from Rocky 4 levels of awesomeness to Rocky 5 levels of drab. It does pick up again at the end but by then, I was fairly bored. And as often happens with these sort of films, the end is all too predictable.

Keanu doing what Keanu does. Do not fuck with a man's dog. Nor his Dodge Charger.

About as miserable as being stuck in traffic just an hour into a four hour drive home from a rainy British bank holiday weekend with two screaming kids in the back and your bitch of a wife telling you that she said all along you should taken the other route.

This is a documentary containing interviews with investigating officers and survivors connected to the Zodiac Killer. Crazy to think this crazy motherfucker was never caught despite shooting young people in the face on the regular. Could have been someone reading this review. Could even have been me, for all you know. So watch your fucking back.

Anyone who has a sibling will know of the competitiveness involved. This is a documentary which intended to be about the band The National but ended up becoming a brutal examination of the relationship between the lead singer and his roadie brother & how they both feel towards one another.

Most people won't understand this film because hardly any bastard reads anymore. I thoroughly enjoyed the book version; the film version less so, but still, it was entertaining enough.

Entertaining enough, I suppose, and didn't drag on forever in some convoluted mess like a lot of films. Nowhere near as clever as it wanted to be though.

Halloween is a big fucking deal in America but these guys take the fucking piss. It's nice to see people being so passionate about something but you can't help but wonder that these people have a screw or two loose. I'm guessing they all had pretty shitty childhoods to cling on to something like Halloween so fiercely.

I like listening to Noam Chomsky normally but the interviewer in this documentary wound me up eventually to the point that I turned it off.

More people die during this film than died during the Battle of Kursk, and according to the Internet nearly 3,000,000 men fought at Kursk, with 3,000 tanks and fucking-silly-amounts of artillery involved. It was like the military equivalent of Ivan Drago taking on Josef Goebells in an MTV Death Match. Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, The Raid 2. It's punchtastic with a fairly engrossing storyline.

These Jap motherfuckers really dig their fish and this particular Jap motherfucker knows how to prepare and serve that shit up like no other. I don't even like sushi but I was considering going to this restaurant when I was in Tokyo last year to see the master at work until I found out that the cheapest meal is over Ł150. So I fucked that idea right off.

I don't know what this was trying to achieve but it certainly wasn't anything I wanted to waste any more time on. Appears to be a bunch of extreme skiers on an ego boost down the side of a mountain from ten different angles with EDM played over the top. Not really my bag.

I really wanted to love this but it was a slight disappointment. It's a good film but I felt like key bits were either rushed over or omitted. Plus, AI has overtaken vampires now as the popular genre. Everywhere you look there are films and TV shows about robots and their relationships with people. I love all that shit, but I'm beginning to feel a little saturated by it. I'll definitely be interested when AI, humanoid sex robots become commercially available, but until then I'm not so sure.

This is about respecting your elders, respecting your word and how relationships can blossom in the strangest of situations. Despite what side we're on, we are all still human beings.

Is nothing sacred anymore? This film, which is meant to follow on from T2, basically spoils the storylines of the first two Terminator films. How fucking dare they, right? The only good thing about this was seeing Arnie kicking arse again. Oh, and also Emilia Clarke's cleavage. It tries to be far too clever, and, basically, is just another time traveling action film, which we're all fucking sick of by now. I sincerely hope they don't make another.

Alan Turing was sort of like an olden times Superhero who did more than most to win the Allies the war. He was also a homosexual prick, but you know, we can't all be perfect.

This is about how sometimes in life, decent people can make poor decisions. It doesn't make them bad people, they just get caught up fighting their corner. It is a cruel world at times and often assigning blame to someone is our only escape. This is definitely worth your time.

This is about how special US forces have been raiding villages and killing 40 innocents, half of which are women are children, every night, on the off chance that they might kill one of their targets. The only thing they were achieving was to create even more enemies. Thousands of people were added to the Kill List and it was only ever expanding. Bin Laden's death was supposed to be the end but it was just the beginning.

Had Alejandro Jodorowsky been given the money to complete the filming of Dune, it surely would have been an extraordinary piece of cinema, but unfortunately those with the money didn't share his vision. This is a documentary about how all the pieces were put together only for it to fail at the last. A lot of it did, however, find itself into later films like Alien, Star Wars, Terminator and many more. The rest, as they say, is history.

This is a bunch of film nerds talking about the genius of Stanley Kubrick and how much of a masterpiece The Shining is. If you're a fan of the film or of Kubrick, you'll probably enjoy this, but some of the claims are a little adventurous and some are totally absurd. Kubrick himself would probably laugh his tits off at some of the theories. Although, if even a handful of them are true, Kubrick is undoubtedly the cleverest film maker of all time.

This is about three blokes who fell in love with Daft Punk, became best mates, started making music together and had a ball whilst doing it. The outcome was the Swedish House Mafia and the rest is house music history. I enjoyed their tunes but wouldn't class myself as a fan, however, as this ended, I felt a little sad that they were no longer together. It's an interesting study of how people and friendships develop as we grow, and how sometimes it's best to let something go before you ruin it.

I may end up on a list or two at the NSA or GCHQ for saying this but Ed Snowdon is a fucking hero. He basically took on the US government, knowing the risks to himself and those close to him. But he did it anyway. Why? Because he wanted to do the right thing and he believed in something. Others like Glenn Greenwald and Laura Poitras also have massive fucking balls. If you've ever owned a phone, had a bank account or used the Internet, you should watch this.

This film reminds me a lot of loveless sex. At the start, you're excited. A few minutes in, you're fully expecting to have your mind blown. Twenty minutes of groping later and you're still enjoying it, but you're concerned about the conclusion. There's a shallowness to it; an unfamiliarity. Like football matters more when there's money on it, action films matter more when there's a storyline. Not just unadulterated 100mph violence without any emotional connection. Otherwise it's just a fumble in the sand. I love a good car chase as much as anyone, but I get a bit fed up when it goes on for two hours.

This is about how a group of gays tried to support the miners during their strike of the 1980's. It's one of those We're-all-human-so-we're-in-it-together type of feel good films. Unfortunately, I'm a miserable sod so I didn't particularly like it. My girlfriend did though; she cried. And I didn't even strike her.

Apparently only a third of Japanese couples have sex at least once a week. You know what that means? Yeah, it means they're sex-starved horny motherfuckers, which sort of makes sense of all the tentacle porn and other crazy shit that they export. Not to mention the love hotels where they all go to do disgusting shit. I've been there and see it first hand. The most disgusting of which was the shit they try to feed us on the Tokyo bus tour. Pretty sure it was a bollock. Anyway, this didn't surprise me 'cause people generally are freaky; Japanese people slightly more so.

This is about a bunch of crazy obsessives running around the woods and making animal noises whilst trying to prove the existence of Bigfoot. By the end of it, you'll even be questioning the motives of the people you thought were genuine. With all the lies, half-truths & fabrications, it sums up the whole Bigfoot myth quite well. Fucking bonkers, the lot of 'em.

This is basically propaganda suggesting that you shouldn't have pre-marital sex, 'cause if you do, one hell of an STD awaits. It's more psychological than most traditional horrors but I enjoyed it. The soundtrack does an excellent job of creating the atmosphere, which, funnily enough, is also something that I try to achieve in the bedroom. However, the sex that you do see in the film involves zero foreplay, which, in my opinion, is an even bigger sexual faux pas than passing on a curse.

Aaron Swartz was just trying to do the right thing and for it he was prosecuted by a broken system and its out-of-date rules. Because of that, he felt he had nowhere to turn and took his own life. The world is a worse place for not having Aaron Swartz in it. The great tragedy is that we'll never know what he could have achieved.

This is about how politicians simplify everything into good vs evil in order to manipulate us so that they can maintain their power and wealth, when, in reality, all the true power and wealth is with the banks, who achieved that power by promising to save the economy once they had it. And did they? Did they fuck. Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, drugs, and, of course, oil are at the center of the whole mess.

There is literally nothing good about newspapers. Fuck knows how they're still going. If you can give me one benefit to newspapers, I'll give you a better alternative. Portable news stories, you say? Use the Internet on your phone. Entertainment reviews? Again, the Internet on your phone. Tits, you say? Are you for real? Do I need to even suggest it? There's more tits on the Internet than anything else. Why limit yourself to one pair a day... Anyway, newspapers are shit and this is an example of why.

That washed up guy who used to be Batman who you never see in anything anymore plays the part of a forgotten actor who used to play a Superhero... How well cast is that? Edward Norton steals the show though, if you ask me, but he is one of my favourites. It's beautifully shot and has a satisfying drum-laden soundtrack, although, really, it's just some really good actors furiously masturbating in front of the eyes of Hollywood, yet, somehow, it's tastefully done.

We all know that America is about freedom, French fries and star quarterbacks fucking cheerleaders after football games in the back of their Buicks whilst the Star Spangled Ballet belts out from the radio. Not to mention the crippling obesity epidemic, of course. But one thing they love more than anything - even more than filling their fat, stupid faces with food - is celebrating a hero. And that's what this film is: A celebration of a true hero. It's just another gritty war film, really, but the true story behind it is pretty fucking tragic.

This is full of hard, passive aggressive men, who are so fucking hard that they don't ever need to shout. Literally no-one raises their voices at any point. Like that makes them tougher somehow. My girlfriend, too, never raises her voice. She just tells me what I've done wrong and then cries. It's very confusing. How's a red blooded, emotionally dead male like me supposed to respond to a girl's tears? Usually I go with violence, but then she just cries more and I feel bad. It's a real quandary.

This is a film about why getting married and having kids is a terrible idea.

I do enjoy a curry so this just made me fucking hungry.

Fuck me. Probably the most tense film I've ever seen. Never before in the history of cinema has anyone played the role of a cunt as well as this cunt plays a cunt. Found myself internally screaming, FUCKING GET IT RIGHT!" throughout because I didn't want the poor lad to get another bollocking."

These X-Men films are getting more and more obscure all the time. I didn't see a single super power in the whole of this film. I liked the lead character though; he, like me, knows about crime and about taking pictures. Unfortunately, I'm still not allowed to operate a camera within a mile of a school. However, I could dig it, and so could you. Watch it.

This is sort of like The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, but backwards and with more alcoholic step-dads. They claim that it was filmed over 15 years with the actors aging along with the film but who's to say they didn't just shoot them all full of growth hormone and have it filmed within a month? You can't prove they didn't, can you? So fucking pipe down, dick'ead. I enjoyed it. It fortunately ends just before he gets a job, which is handy because that's when life really starts sucking balls.

I enjoyed this film nearly as much as I enjoyed being a judge at that blow job competition that time. The majority of it was fucking tremendous, but eventually, unfortunately, your cock gets sore and the end lets you down. Just like my dick did that time. It was a solid 10/10 for the majority but then it went a little limp. Sort of like my dick did. The cast is brilliant though and their performances are second to none. Like my dick. And despite it being really long (like my dick), it will quickly finish. Just, err, like my dick.

This is one of those films that critics love: a drama about real-life issues starring actors you've never seen before nor will ever see again. It was good, I suppose, but I couldn't really relate to it 'cause the most disadvantaged kid I knew growing up was some fat, spotty, ginger lad. Although, to be fair, that is pretty fucking tragic.

This won all sorts of Oscars and I'm not entirely sure why. It's just an decent film with some decent performances. Hardly blew my tits off when I watched it back in the day and failed again when I watched it recently.

I went to Budapest once. I fell in love with a girl behind the bar in a strip club called London. The club was called London, I mean. Not the girl. Tragically I never got her name. Ironic that she was the only one with any clothes on yet she was the one I lusted after. She was delightful, just like this film. The cinematography is gorgeous and the characters engaging. And it's all delivered by a rather ridiculous cast. Even Bill fucking Murray makes an appearance. Watch it.

They see me rollin' (through Germany in my motherfucking tank), they hatin'. If you're into battle scenes, seeing people's heads explode and the constant barrage of gun fire, you'll dig this. Your girlfriend will hate it, but then again, you're not with her for her love of tank warfare, are you? You're with her because she makes a wicked sandwich and has low standards, so leave her to it and watch this by yourself, preferably with the surround sound on.

Teenage girls would probably love this, which is exactly why I didn't.

Bitches be crazy.

This just shows that the true stories of real people and the choices they make can shit all over the fantasy stories based in make believe worlds that Hollywood is always so keen to dish out. A brilliantly told story.

This is basically Groundhog Day with aliens. Not sure about the logic but I enjoyed it.

This is basically Batman without the silly suit. And I'll never be able to look at B&Q in the same way.

I heard an old adage recently that said that the two best days of owning a boat are the day you get it and the day you get rid of it. So, in that sense, sort of like a girlfriend. This is about a time before radio became shit. Back when it was about the music and not the arsehole voice jockeys and their over-inflated egos, making shit jokes whilst an entire team of bellends, with not a qualification between them, laugh hysterically down the mic at the host's shit jokes.

This film proves that kids are pricks. And in some circumstances, you're guilty until proven innocent, and even then, a doubt always remains.

This is about how being gay in the 80s was a terrible lifestyle choice. Partly because of the aids, but mostly because it meant you had to sport a ridiculous mustache, because nothing quite screams I Enjoy Dicks Up My Arse more than a handlebar mustache.

Bees are dirty, little, brave bastards. They facilitate plant on plant sexing by carrying the seed from one plant to another. Imagine if a human person did that? Standing readily aside, hands spread, eagerly catching the male ejaculate before rushing over to the female and ramming their now clenched, dripping fist deep inside her. Well, that person would deserve a fucking medal. Not to mention a towel, some anti-bacterial hand gel and years of therapy. So maybe you should show the bees a bit more respect?

I drank one third of a bottle of rum to get me through this film and I still didn't fucking laugh once. And Jennifer Aniston isn't even worth a wank anymore. Sad times. But that's Hollywood for you. So go on, Jennifer, you can fuck off now.

This is a feature length episode of Breaking Bad in which Walter White, bored of cooking up meth in New Mexico, does some bad science and creates some monsters who get all monstery and smash shit up, yo... Sorry, my mild Jesse Pinkmanisms slipped out there. Generally I think Hollywood blockbusters are shit and this is no different. At least Skylar and Walt Jnr don't make an appearance though, which pleases me, 'cause they're fucking pricks.

This film is so confusing that it almost broke my brain. I listened to about 25 minutes of some foreign dude with a beard sprouting shit that I didn't understand before I realised that I felt like I was back in uni at one of Mr Ramachandran's fascinating Data Structures lectures, at which point I turned it off.

Fuck the poh-lice!

This is about the benefits of nuclear energy, and you can sprout all the Hiroshima this and Fukushima that, but nuclear energy works. Plus, you know, Godzilla! What wouldn't be awesome about that?! Once you know the facts about renewable energy and nuclear waste, you'll find it difficult to be anti-nuclear. This even features environmentalists that have changed their tune on nuclear power.

This is the most excruciating thing I've ever seen. I watched the majority of it through the gaps in my hand as I just couldn't deal with the cringyness. Two fans of 80s pop star Tiffany, who are convinced that they're in love with her, do their absolute best to out-crazy each other whilst being followed around by cameras. Fuck everything about being famous if it means dealing with nutters like this.

This is the fourth Dark Knight film about Bruce Wayne's life after he gives up all his money at the end of The Dark Knight Rises. He ends up working at a mill in America's run down Rust Belt trying to support his nob'ead brother and that Blue Alien Girl from Avatar. But shit gets fucked up and he ends up in prison, so Blue Alien Girl fucks him off and his family falls apart. But when his brother gets into some nasty shit and goes missing, he Batmans the fuck up and Superheroes the shit out of some angry inbreds. It's very good. You should watch it.

I heard this was ace. It wasn't. I only managed to get through to the end without turning it off because I forced my girlfriend to watch it, and she never watches horror films, so watching her literally shit her pants throughout was worth a good giggle. She's probably traumatised for life, but it made me laugh, so fuck her. I even have videos if it. I could never show them to anyone or she'd have my balls, but they look a little <a href='http://i.imgur.com/0hxG7.gif' target='_blank'>like</a> <a href='http://i.imgur.com/wP9bTP5.gif' target='_blank'>this</a>.

This is one of those films that they should teach to kids in school. It's all about the dangers of Social Media and the Internet and could open the eyes of people to what you should and shouldn't do online. It would certainly be more beneficial to the little bastards than learning algebra. They could teach it alongside How To Resolve Conflict Without Using A Knife and How To Put Your Fucking Phone Down Whilst Someone Is Talking To You. The world would be a much happier place.

This is the story about a Big Dick and a Little Dick and how the Big Dick lets the Little Dick into his world of money, parties, drugs and bitches before the Little Dick spots some shit he ain't too keen on. Typically Hollywood then allows you to think that the Big Dick has it all worked out but then the Little Dick doesn't go along with that and before we know it there's been some cock-to-cock combat, a one-liner or two, the police arrive and credits roll. Fascinating.

This film has a worse ending than all my past relationships put together, and it leaves more questions too, and not just questions like, "Why didn't I ever love her?", "Can we please, please, please just give it another go?" and "Is it wrong if we do it one last time for old time's sake?" Absolutely nothing is settled. It just ends, and, just like the realisation shortly after I've ended my past relationships, you're left wondering, "What was the point of that?"

Can't believe they ripped off a Vince Lombardi quote to use to motivate the Spartans. Also, Themistocles's Aussie accent kept pulling me out the moment too, which was annoying. However, the scenes are shot at a bazillion frames per second, which means they can slow that shit right. The fuck. Down. And then: BAM! Speed that motherfucker all the way up again, generally when stabbing is happening, accompanied by gallons of blood. It's a Hollywood technique know as ramping and it's fucking awesome. Worth a watch but not as good as the original.

This guy is a fucking moron. It's almost as if it's just a comedian pretending to be stupid and utilising stereotypes in order to get laughs.

I'm all about semi-skimmed and this is more full fat. Therefore, I appreciated what it was trying to achieve, but it wasn't quite to my taste.

This is a love story about how two guys fell in love, until one of them fell a little too far and died... Like, actually died. I'm not kidding. He fell off a building. It was bad... Not quite as bad as the response from his family in dealing with the loss though, and how they shut out his boyfriend. And I'm entirely qualified to have an opinion on gay issues, as much as any Macklemore fan, so I think it's wrong for the right wing conservatives thinking it's a decision and that you can be cured with some treatment and religion.

This reminded me a lot of Stand By Me, because it's about the adventure of childhood and one of the child actors is the spitting image of River Pheonix. Ridiculously so. Obviously this isn't as good, but it has that sharp roughness to it that only films about poor people can have. Their lives are just so different to mine. They consider some cold beans out the can a good meal whereas I only really enjoy my food when I know at least two animals have died during its preparation.

This is about someone who's addicted to porn. In other words, a bloke. He even gets to put his dick in Scarlett Johansson, yet he still prefers porn. It's laugh-out-loud amusing in points and boringly mundane in others, so in that sense, it's not too different from my sex life.

Arnie and Sly Stallone tag-team up in a proper 80s macho cock-off in which they try to out-neck-vein each other. Despite his time off screen, Arnie nicks it, if you ask me.

America's education system is fucked. It's the kids you have to feel sorry for. I mean, how else are they supposed to grow up to earn enough money to afford a RealDoll? Never mind three, like me. That's 9 glorious, silicon-soft holes I can pick to fuck. These kids won't even have one. They'll have to make do with their hand, or, if they're lucky, the hole of an equally uneducated fool. It's just not on.

Hard hitting this. And I'm not just talking about the whip on Platt's back. There's a paddle too. And some other stuff. Basically this is about black people being hit with shit, hard. It's a piece of history worth remembering but I can't help but feel this might inspire another generation of black people to despise whites, which isn't something we really need in the global battle against racism. Still, it's right to educate people about the history of slavery and this does a good job of that.

Imagine spending your whole life as a virgin only to discover in your latter years that there's been a whole island of incredibly fit birds wanting to do stuff to your penis for the last 40 years. Well this is sort of like that, but with more guitar music, fewer fit birds and a whole lot less dick. It's one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction stories about the realisation of a dream long forgotten.

Some boss beards in this. Mark Wahlberg lets the side down with his girly effort though. And the end of the film is spoilt by the title. It'd be like calling The Sixth Sense, The Dead Psychologist instead.

This is the strangest film I've ever seen. Men who committed the very worst of crimes, torturing and murdering thousands in the mid 60s reenact their killings in various ways. They are totally aware of what they've done and take a great pride in it. But will that last? These are intelligent men who are more than aware that by being this honest they are rewriting themselves as the villains in the history books, yet they go through with it anyway. Maybe they are looking to atone after all.

This hit me hard. I don't know whether it's because it's made me appreciate the relationship I have with my girlfriend or because I've realised that I'm in love with my laptop? Seriously though, this is beautiful. And you only have to look to Japan to see how it's not entirely fiction. Their whole society is crumbling 'cause teenage boys are having relationships with computer programs instead of girls. So yeah, get it watched.

Another really good book made into a really bad movie. Stephen Sommers, the director of this film, might as well have taken a shit on Dean Koontz's head from the big fuck-off H of the Hollywood sign. Needless to say, it got turned off. The girl who plays Stormy Llewellyn is really fit, though, so fair play.

This is the worst of the lot. Unless you suffer with a sever case of Mexiphobia, which, as we all know, is an intense fear of Mexicans. Why, you ask? Well, because it's full of fucking Mexicans, obviously, you arsehole. Anyway, it's still worth watching and does have some jumpy bits, but it's less psychological than previous ones, which, for me, is where all the magic was.

If you want to watch a film about Wall Street, you should watch <a href='film/30'>Boiler Room</a>. This is almost identical, but is told from the point of view of the main man, rather than one of his brokers. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more had I not seen Boiler Room. It is on for a full three hours too, so if you're unfortunate enough to own a bladder, you may have to dip out at some point for a piss. Or just fill your drinks cup with piss and throw it down the front.

This film is about conning; how to use the media and a well produced trailer to con people into thinking that it's going to be good, because it's not; it's distinctly average. And it's on for ages. And it cost me the best part of Ł20 because I had to take my girlfriend. And she obviously wanted a drink. Which I obviously had to pay for. Why couldn't she just have a drink at home? I don't fucking know. And Christian Bale still hasn't learnt to talk properly, the prick. All in all, very disappointing.

Life is all about karma; you learn that growing up. You can eat an entire 12" pizza at 10pm, but don't expect any sleep. Or you can spend all day building a massive Lego penis, but don't be surprised when you step on a rogue brick and cry like a girl. Well this film is all about that. Karma, I mean, not massive Lego penises or crying like a girl. Although, a film about a massive possessed Lego penis making girls cry sounds like my sort of film.

The best thing about this film is that women all over the world will sit through this simply because they love Ryan Gosling and they will hate every fucking second of it. It's not at all a film for girls. Which is maybe why Gosling did it. I bet he gets sick of the attention, sick of women throwing themselves at him. He could literally shit on 10 girls a day if he wished. Imagine that. What a tough life.

People seem to adore Jennifer Lawrence. I mean, she's alright, but there's something weird about her face. Something about her eyes maybe? Like they're too close together or something? I don't fucking know. There just is. Stop fucking asking me. Who am I? The fucking face police? Oh, right, yeah. You didn't ask, did you? Alright then, I'll let you off.

We've all got a quiet, shy mate who rarely says anything unless he's gone halfs on a nifty of beak. Then he won't shut the fuck up. Well this film is a bit like that. Drugs really can do some good, but beware kids 'cause eventually they'll wear off and all you'll have left to look forward to is the crushing comedown and, occasionally, a severe case of locked-in syndrome.

This is nothing at all like the original story of gravity that we were told in school. At no point does an apple fall on anyone's head. That's the creative freedom of Hollywood for you, I suppose. Still, I really enjoyed it. The bit with the thing spinning through gravity-less space was awesome. However, if you've got a problem with Sandra fucking Bullock, as I know some do, then I'd maybe give it a miss.

Like all relationships, this started well but went a bit shit. You know how it is, one minute she's amazing; she always looks her best, she tries hard with your friends and you're getting head left, right and centre. Next thing you know she's a fucking bitch and wouldn't for a second put your dick anywhere near her face. Well, it's a bit like that, except with more Colin Farrell.

A guy spent a month living life purely off offers from people on Craigslist, and along the way he meets all sorts of weird and wonderful types. Which, err, is the exact fucking reason you don't do crazy shit like this. He could have been robbed, bummed, killed, or, even worse, a combination of the three. Imagine that, being anally annihilated because you answered an ad on Craigslist for "Assistance required with a blocked waste pipe". What a fool you'd feel. The clue was there all along, you arsehole.

This is a sort of mockumentary made by a comedian about why his life his shit and why he's not ready to commit to his girlfriend. How very original. He didn't deserve her anyway, the prick.

Considering the subject of this film is love, which we all know is a fictional concept made up by women to give some meaning to their lives and maintained by men so they can let females put their dick inside them, it was actually alright. I laughed out loud at points, which is funny, because I'm not all all a fan of Steve Carell. Ryan Gosling is OK, I guess. I mean, I don't fancy him or anything, his eyes are too close together; he's just a decent actor.

When my girlfriend moved in, I forced her to sign a co-habitation agreement. She read the first few points which was basically just legal shit I'd nick off the Internet. Towards the end, knowing she'd quickly get bored reading it, I added a few clauses. You know, like, sexual ones. Of course, knowing no better, she signed it. You don't even want to know what she's legal bound to do on the first Thursday of every month; it's fucking disgusting.

The best thing about this is the soundtrack. In fact, save yourself the hassle, don't watch the film and just get hold of the soundtrack. While you're at it, why not drop some E? Like the good old days, before relationships, proper jobs, babies and all that shite. Just fucking let go. What's the alternative? Another night of watching the soaps before your bitch wife starts snoring like a pig on the couch? I fucking well think not.

Two Judges get locked in to a tower block and have to take on an entire army of baddies. It's what you'd expect; slow-mo deaths, plenty of blood & loads of comic book filters. I quickly lost interest though. My judgement? Pretty dreddful.

Fuck Owen Wilson and fuck Vince Vaughn. As if these two middle-aged nobodies would ever end up on a Google internship. Not since the black guy in Ghostbusters has anyone been so out of place. I can't believe I even put this on. I assumed, being a software developer, there might be in-jokes I'd get. There wasn't, or certainly not in the 40 minutes that I watched.

This is a documentary about the dangers of keeping Killer Whales in captivity to perform shows for our entertainment. I'm embarrassed to say that I've been to Sea World a few times. This is just wrong. They seem to think the problem is that the whales are killing humans when the problem is that they're being horrendously mistreated. The fact that they cry for days when they're split from their families says all that needs to be said.

Everyone in the music industry has got a secret; whether it be a drink and drug problem, a fetish for under-age girls or the fact that they're white, which in hip-hop is a big fucking deal. These people not only hide shit from their fans in order to be successful, they have whole teams of people bullshitting on their behalf. But no-one ever really had the balls to just run with it, quite like Silibil n' Brains did. And they had the whole industry fooled. Well, nearly. Daniel Bedingfield would say otherwise.

There are people in America doing their very best to ensure that evolution is not taught in schools. These fucking idiots don't understand that there is a tremendous wave of evidence for evolution and none whatsoever to prove creationism. I don't mind people believing in a higher power; whether they call him God, Allah or Santa Clause, but teaching it as fact is just fucking wrong. Religion the world over is just a form of brainwashing and forcing it on kids through schooling is not the answer.

This is about how Tom Hanks, after enjoying being cast away for all those years, returned to the sea as the captain of a ship which gets attacked by some Somali bastards. Well I assume that's the idea; I spent the first 15 minutes of the film consumed by a rage having had to watch another fucking Kevin Bacon EE advert so I couldn't concentrate. I really can't stand that twat... Anyway, it was good, if a little predictable. And there's no sign of Wilson, which is a shame.

This is about the USA vs Bin Laden, which is the greatest rivalry since IBM v Apple, erm, I mean Microsoft v Apple. Wait, no, Microsoft v Google? Oh fuck it, you know what I mean. This would have been much more interesting had the media not totally spoiled the ending for me. Maybe next time they'll consider the enjoyment of future film-goers before announcing these huge news stories to the world. It's not the first time either, they did the exact same thing with Titanic, the pricks.

I enjoyed this film nearly as much as babies like putting things in their mouths, and babies love that shit. They eat it right up... Haha! Get it? Eat it up? No? OK... Anyway, if Zodiac and Law Abiding Citizen made sweet, sweet love, this film is the sex mess that'd be left on the sheets. Hugh Assman and Jake Beer Hall both act the shit out of it and it had me by the balls from the word go. Get it watched.

This family be fucked up, yo.

Some guys with a hard on for ice have spent years taking photos of the changing glaciers. I'm hardly going to spoil it for you by saying that they're all retreating. Why though? Because the human race is out to fuck Mother Nature, hard. To be fair, I did fall asleep towards the end, but I'd been up all night configuring my sex swing, so what do you expect?

This is about a bunch of smelly, homeless people that put some time into becoming hardcore at wielding an axe and went to live in the woods. I turned it off as soon as I realised that these fucking savages don't even have Broadband. I mean, seriously? How fucking unrealistic.

This is a warning to the pricks of the world, not to fuck with bored, over-weight, keyboard warriors, 'cause they will fuck you in every orifice with various computer periphery devices. We are made to believe by the media they're the bad guys, but really, they're fighting the good fight, like modern day Robin Hoods, except they're doing it for THE LULZ" rather than any financial gain."

A summary of what it means to be human. It's a perfect trailer for life on planet earth, with all its wonder, beauty, sadness and monotony. It's not for everyone though, hence the lower rating. Would be fucking brilliant if you watched it off your tits on acid.

We all heard bogeyman stories when we were kids, whether it be Peg-Leg, Purple Aki or Cropsey, the Staten Island version. They all snatch kids and do unspeakable things to them, but what if there was some truth behind the urban legend? Well, as anyone in Liverpool knows, there is truth behing the sex-pest from the North West, Purple Aki, although he's more into muscles than kids. So I don't see why there shouldn't be truth behind Cropsey. If you're into real-life crime, you'll probably find this fairly interesting.

This is about Evangelical Christians, or should I say Radical Christians, who talk about targeting the youth to create some sort of God army. It's brainwashing, pure and simple, and is on a level with radical Muslims and the likes of Joseph Kony. The poor kids are indoctrinated from a very young age into wasting their lives on a blind faith. And, of course, there's always someone making loads of money from it. Twats.

This is basically three separate stories that just all happen to tie in together, due to family ties. I was led to believe it was basically Ryan Gosling robbing banks, which sounds awesome. Unfortunately, that story was over within 45 minutes. It was enjoyable though, and goes to show the wider effect that crime has on the people involved, and, often more importantly, their families.

Isla Fisher has grown up, hasn't she? What I mean by that is, she's got herself some titties, the little Aussie slag. Anyway, I went to see this 'cause I heard it was like Ocean's Eleven with magic. And the cast is certainly excellent; Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher's tits, amongst others. It's worth a watch, but like a lot of these films nowdays, my overly-logical brain sort of spoils it for me, as I sit there in the cinema doing my absolute best not to shout out, Oh as-fucking-if!""

This promised to bring a conclusion to the real-life story of the murder of three children in Arkansas, detailed in <a href='film/633'>these</a> <a href='film/707'>documentaries</a>. It did bring a conclusion to the fates of the three accused, however, it didn't bring a conclusion to the case overall, which is a little disappointing, although it explains the reasons for that. If you're interested in the case, watch the <a href='film/633'>first documentary</a> then this.

This is a fairly depressing drama about a teenager from Oslo who blows his privileged upbringing and spits in the face of his parents by getting on the gear. The story follows the immediate days after his release from a drug addiction clinic. I've been to Oslo and, whilst there, I was fairly depressed too, because it's outrageously expensive. We paid just shy of Ł10 for a regular Burger King meal! The fuckin' sea-loving, fair-haired, Viking-wannabe, robbin' bastards!

When I saw the trailer for this film, seeing it became the #1 priority in my life. Well, actually, my #2 life priority, as I've still not managed to locate Lou Bega and ask him what was wrong with the first 4 Mambos. Anyway, I was disappointed. It's proper rich cheddar and, unfortunately, is aimed at kids. I mean, fuck kids and make a proper film! Wait, not like, actually fuck kids... Don't go all Roman Polanski on me. You know what I mean. So yeah, as I was saying, not great.

This is about how a bunch of rich pricks bought Queens Park Rangers with the aim to get them promoted into the Premier League. You'd imagine, with them being rich businessmen, they'd take a rational and sensible approach to running a club. You'd be wrong. Had it not been for Amit Bhatia, the only business-savvy and sensible one amongst them, pulling all the strings, it would have been a total disaster. Well worth watching if you're a football fan. Or a fan of angry, swearing Italian men kicking the shit out of plastic seats.

An entire generation of kids grew up with the knowledge that if you go down to the woods, you're sure for a big surprise. And no, it won't be a Teddy Bears' picnic. It'll be an evil demon wanting to eat your soul before shitting it out into the pits of hell. Well guess what? Evil Dead is back, motherfuckers! The comedy element has gone and it's now just demons with a serious chip on their shoulder with the living. However, it's done well. Really graphic in parts, with some excellent crazy, evil demon shit going down; it's well worth a watch.

When you're driving, a red light means stop. Or rather, do not go. So really, that should have been enough to warn me off this film. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Poor old Robert De Niro's career is at a bit of a red light at the mo', 'cause he seems to be releasing shit film after shit film. Having said that, he's getting paid millions to be in these crap films and I'm wasting hours of my life watching them. So who's the fool?

Now this is a motherfucking zombie movie! Some things may be slightly unrealistic - none more so than the kip of Brad Pitt's wife; put it this way, she's no Angelina. However, the Zombie Science behind the majority of it is mostly excellent. One disappointment, though, is the amount of gore; there is hardly any. As for the ending, well, it's spot on for a Zombie Apocalypse film, I think, but some may not like it.

I've fucking had it with Superhero films. There's so much wrong with this: it's on too long yet is rushed, Lois Lane is all wrong, the physics of it don't make sense, and, worst of all, Diane Lane got old. Not to mention the general unrealisticness of it. I know it's a Superhero film, but things that should be realistic just aren't. Like when he puts on his Superman outfit for the first time and he beard fucking falls off. And why do people on Krypton speak English? I would've given it less but the fight scenes are decent.

This is about how the Catholic Church, including the most powerful people at the Vatican, have covered up the world-wide sexual abuse of children by priests. And how offending priests were just moved on to another diocese, allowing them to abuse more young kids, whilst those priest that could have lifted the lid on it all were promised promotions to keep quiet. This will make you fucking sick. I only wish there was some sort of afterlife so these twats could burn in hell for eternity.

Seriously, fuck Australia. Not only does the most deadly everything on the planet live there, they also keep making these shite horrors. I don't know why I keep watching them. Really, I don't. What a dick'ead. This is basically about how bitches be crazy, but everyone knows that anyway. At points in this I felt a strange sort of envy for the Aussie Johnny-Depp-wannabe for all the suffering he was going through, because at least he was feeling something other than complete boredom.

Comparing this to the first Star Trek is a bit like comparing one-night-stand morning sex to the night before. You enjoy the first encounter so much that you're sure this will be as much fun. However, now you've lost your beer goggles, she's lost her alcohol-induced depravity, she's got no make-up on, the morning sun is highlighting her floors and her breath fucking stinks. It's still warm and wet though, so it's enjoyable enough, but really, deep down, you're thinking you could have had a steaming cup of tea in your hands now, rather than this beast's love handles.

We've all lied about working in the movies before. Some girls will do all sorts of disgusting shit to impress you if they believe that. And this is about how the movie business works as a brilliant cover-up. This is actually based on a de-classified secret mission, but has been a little Hollywood-ised by Ben Affleck rocking a rather tremendous beard.

Hollywood has always been a tool for the government to spread propaganda and this is possibly the best ever example of that. The North Koreans are the bad guys, which, considering what's going on at the mo', is very fucking convenient, wouldn't you say? But regardless of that, this is the best Die Hard you'll ever see, and if action is your sort of thing, a must-watch.

A girl brings a box home and it's possessed and who fucking cares? However, it did remind me of the time I got my girlfriend an iPad for Christmas. She was so happy. Until she actually opened it and saw that it was just the box with a post-it note saying LOL" on it where the iPad was supposed to be. She went fucking ballistic! The ungrateful bitch. She probably didn't appreciate the onslaught of blows that followed shortly after either."

Remember when you were a teenager & you'd spend entire weekends (or weeks, if you were lucky) doing nothing but eating frozen meals, drinking full-fat coke & watching films in your bedroom, whilst your black-out curtains kept the summer sunshine out? Sometimes you'd stay up for 2 or 3 days doing a sci-fi marathon, wouldn't you? Because fuck the world, right? Well that's what the writer of this must have done, because it's a mish-mash of every sci-fi film ever written. And you'll spot all these things whilst watching it. Yet, it's entertaining and well worth a watch.

The terrible parents who neglect their screaming kids; the spoilt little brats who answer back to their parents; the people who stand by the water cooler at work talking about the events of the latest talent show like it actually fucking matters... Don't you wish you could just fucking kill the lot of 'em? Well in this a guy finds out that he's terminally ill and decides to do just that. I would obviously never do that. Because guns are too quick. I'd want them to fucking suffer. The twats.

We've all been to school; we know it's a battleground. But this takes a look at things from the perspective of the teachers; both within the school and at home. It's fairly philosophical and will certainly give you something to think about after the screen fades to black. Whether you're interested in the education of young people or the struggles of life in general, you should take something from this. You do have to wonder, how much of an affect can a teacher really have on the lives of their students?

It's true; we really are all pink on the inside.

We've progressed a great deal in recent years, but have we progressed too much? Are we now in a progress trap? Is it too late to go back? What can we do about it and who is responsible? Well, we all are. So put your dick away for five God-damn seconds and at least contemplate how much of a fucking leech you are on our planet.

There's not a single fucking pirate in this! It's about how three nerds from Sweden made a website and how it was against the law, and how Hollywood wanted to F them in the A because of it. Very interesting, if you're into that kind of thing... The Internet and torrenting, I mean, not F'ing people in the A. If you're into that, there's a whole range of films that you'd probably enjoy more than this, but you won't find me watching or reviewing them on this site, you fuckin' homo.

You know that moment as a kid, when you fucked up, and you know you fucked up, so you're telling your dad about it, and he's sat there rubbing his temples, which basically means he's about 3 seconds away from juicing you like a lemon? Yeah? Well this film is tenser than that.

We owe Google a great deal, but are they taking the fucking piss? This is about how they began scanning millions of books without giving a single shit about copyright, and in doing so, pissed off a fuckton of people. How much power do they have? How far will they go with it? And what can people do to stand in their way?

I could have sworn I've written a review for this before.

We've all had ex-girlfriends in the past come crawling back to us, but through the TV? I'd tell her where to go. It really is no wonder she's still single. Maybe if she washed her hair and ran a comb through it once in a while she wouldn't so easily frighten men off.

This is about a guy who travels to the future to discover that idiots have taken over the world. You only have to look at the current mayor of London, Boris Johnson, to see that we're heading down that path. Seriously though, society rewards uneducated people with benefits for having multiple children - who will, most likely, also be uneducated - whilst the educated, career-focused people are having fewer kids; this film is a scary prediction of what may come.

This is comedy about paedophilia, back from a time when child grooming was funny. That might be wrong; I don't really remember. The only thing I remember about this film was that I saw it in the cinema back when I had a cinema pass, so I went alone. The only other person in there was a middle aged man who came in carrying a My Little Pony satchel. I spent the entire film worrying about what he was up to that I don't remember a fucking thing about it.

This is about how being drunk is awesome, especially when operating heavy equipment, and how there's no state you can get in to that can't be solved by snorting a few lines of Columbia's finest marching powder. However, it's not what I expected really. I was expecting a thriller when really it's more of a drama about a man's battle with his erections. Erm, I mean alcoholism. I don't know why I said that. It's worth watching though. Plus, there's tits.

My girlfriend read my last review and wasn't pleased. She's spent all night upstairs crying in the bedroom, which meant I could watch whatever I wanted, so I watched this again on ITV4. At points she was bawling so loudly that I could hear her over the sound of my Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound system, which, to be fair, is impressive. She's still crying now so I'm going to go upstairs and apologise. And by apologise, I mean I'm going to initiate sexual contact, because sobbing girls are hot.

So some nerdy economist decided to apply maths to baseball stats and figure out which players are the best, building a team on the cheap. I do the same thing with my girlfriends. I mark them on all various things like looks, personality, kindness, and sexual adventure. I then work out the mean, median, mode and standard deviation using a thorough algorithm, then discard the lot and pick the one that works my dick best. I'm not convinced I'm giving myself the best long-term projection, but daaaaaamn, girl.

So America has lost the war on drugs. Not since BetaMax took on VHS has anyone been as heavily defeated. This film does an excellent job of documenting the symptoms of that, and you see what can happen when the police try to take on gangbangers who are more militarised than North Korea. Mostly at a good pace with a couple of slower parts - just like my love making - it gives a glimpse into the work the police do in the ghettos, the relationships they form and the risks they take.

This is about how if you take too many drugs you'll turn into a young black criminal. No, hang on; that's not right. It's about a flawed system that is more about getting good stats, raising money & winning votes than it is about actually doing good. The War on Drugs is about preventing a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. It's like stapling the mouth of a Tourette's sufferer shut, rather than dealing with the actual cause, resulting in lots of frustration & plenty of muffled fucks.

I fell asleep watching this. Although, to be fair, I had had a busy day and I was lying on a bed. So I was asking for it really. I only woke up sporadically because my girlfriend kept crying. But she does cry at every little bit of emotion. Honestly, she's fucking pathetic.

If you're into gore, gun fights, dropping the N-bomb or beating your slaves, you'll enjoy this. I love Christopher Waltz but, in this, for me, Leo DiCaprio steals the show. As with most Tarantino films, the dialogue is again one of the most enjoyable elements, and there's an excellent original soundtrack. It's probably a little too long (that's what she said) and could, at times, move at a quicker pace. I enjoyed it, but I don't plan on watching it again any time soon.

This is about some crazy French motherfucker who decides that he wants to live in America so he convinces a family in Texas that he's their missing kid. Clearly he isn't and he gets found out. Who would have thunk it? It's proof that often truth can be stranger than fiction, and is not as straightforward as you would have thought.

I could watch Tom Hardy punch people in the face all day. Again he plays the part of an uber-hard indestructible, which, of course, he does with aplomb. Similarly, Shia LaBeouf spends all film being a fucking fanny, which he too excels at. It's just a shame Tom Hardy doesn't spend more time beating shit out of that fag, because that is something I'd definitely sit and watch.

Some of this is such bullshit. I've spent countless hours on the train staring at pretty girls and never once has one started touching herself. However, it's got the most realistic awkward first date scene in it, and that, too, is something I'm very familiar with. This is basically about a bloke who is obsessed with sex who masturbates at every opportunity. So what I mean is, it's about a bloke. And the girls will probably enjoy it too, because of Michael Fassbender's cock.

I cycle a lot, which means when you're in your car, you're legally obliged to try and kill me. Or so you'd think judging by the way some of you pricks drive. I mean seriously, fucking indicate, OK? Well this film is about one of those idiot cyclist that doesn't stop at lights and generally gives the rest of us a bad name. And, if anything, this film will only encourage more twatty riding, which will end up putting everyone in greater danger.

I fucking hate Ethan Hunt. The way he hangs from ceilings, jumps from buildings and does all sorts of Mission Impossible shit. No, hang on. Ethan Hawke. I hate Ethan Hawke... The only realistic thing about this film is that he wears the same hoody the entire time he's at home. We all do that. The rest is dogshit. I mean, I know everyone records everything nowadays, but is a demon really going to record his murdering of families? I think not.

Thanks to the fat cats, America is fucked. And because of that we should all be very worried. This is about how the rich and powerful have designed laws and loopholes to keep all the money in their pockets whilst a record number of people starve. But when the people who make the laws are the ones benefiting most, what is their motivation for doing anything about it?

OMG! There's something in the water? Oh is there now? How fucking original. I'd rather lie face down in the bath for 90 minutes than watch this again.

This film is like, well, it's like, err... You know what? I'm stumped. I can't think of an appropriate simile to express how shit it is. I read a review about this recently that said there was 'explicit violence, nudity, sex and profanity' so naturally I expected it to be fucking brilliant. It wasn't. It was a load of fucking shit, in fact.

This is about a guy who has visions off a fuck-off strong storm coming so he's spends a fortune building an amazing man-shed. As you can imagine, his fucking wife isn't impressed. Why? Because women are fucking pricks. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. But at what cost does it come? And does the storm even arrive?

As Sun Tzu wrote in his book, The Art of War, 'Man who run behind car, get exhausted.' No, that's not right... He said something about something anyway, and that's what this film is like. I grew up in the 90s, which means I dodged multiple threats; communism, catching AIDS through the TV and Yahoo chatrooms. Our only escape back then was these guys, and they were heroes of mine. Probably none more so Jean-Claude-I-Will-Kick-You-In-The-Fucking-Face-Van Damme, and he, along with Chuck Norris, join the cast for this installment. However, it's a bit of a let down.

I'd rather be 5 years old again and locked in a room with a zombiefied, erection-wielding John Wayne Gacy than have to watch this again. I loved the original Clash of the Titans when I was a kid, and this is an insult to it. And Sam Worthington can fuck off too; I'm getting sick of his stupid Aussie face.

This is a documentary about some proper nerds being proper fucking nerdy and dedicating their lives to making independent computer games for XBLA. I actually wanted to do Computer Games Design at uni, but went for Software Engineering instead, but being of that ilk, I loved it. These guys are some hard-out nerds. However, I dare you to watch it and not find yourself routing for them. If you enjoyed The King of Kong, you'll like this.

This is the weakest of the 4, but does that mean I wasn't shitting myself throughout? Does it fuck. To appreciate these films properly, you really need to put the effort in. Late at night, lights off, volume on high. Really fucking immerse yourself in it. Don't watch it on Saturday afternoon whilst you're browsing ebay on your laptop for worn knickers. And if you have one of those girlfriends who asks a million questions, don't watch it with her. In fact, fucking get rid altogether, because believe me, domestic violence is just around the corner.

This is a film about how annoying rich teenagers are. Seriously, fuck those guys. Anna Paquin plays the prick of a teenager, and she's either a pretty good actress, or she's a real-life prick. I hate giving women compliments about anything, so I'll guess it's the latter. And all you True Blood fan boys can suck my dick. Although people who like True Blood are either 13 year old girls or homosexual, so you'd probably like that, wouldn't you, bummer boy?

This is a British film about a loser that gets out of prison and gets back involved with some loser criminals and his loser kids. Seriously, why don't these scumbags just try harder at school?

People keep telling me to watch True Blood and I keep telling them to get fucked. However, vampire hunting has a good legacy of being entertaining; Lost Boys, Blade, Buffy... Ok, maybe not Buffy, but still. So I watched this and it turns out it isn't based on fact! So fuck you, Abe... Anyway, it's as you would expect; brilliantly CGI'd, ridiculous throughout and laugh-out-loud at points, but hardly ground-breaking.

Have you ever wanted to see Brad Pitt shoot a man in the face from the passenger seat of a parallel car in super slow-mo? Well exactly, who hasn't? There's a bit too much dialogue for my liking, but the parts are played very well, and it concentrates on the finer details, which many mob films don't. Plus, I've never liked Ray Liotta, so seeing him take a beating is always enjoyable.

This film is about as enjoyable as being chained up to 11 emaciated, malaria-ridden criminals in a outrageously overcrowded prison in Chad being suspiciously eyed by your fellow sexually-frustrated inmates and the trigger happy guards. Seriously though, there is more going on in Steven Hawking's sex life than in this film. I swear, my friends and I could make a better horror movie than this, and I don't even have any friends. It does try doing subtle horror, which I prefer, they just do an awful job of it.

You might have heard that this is about time travel, and it is. But it's about something much more interesting than that, but I'm not going to tell you what, because fuck you (and I don't want to spoil it). A looper is basically someone who greets people sent back from the future with a cheery shotgun blast to the chest. But what happens when their future-self is sent back? I know what I'd do, I'd ask my future-self which of my future girlfriends gives the best head, then I'd know which one to spend my life with. Until the inevitable shotgun blast from the past, that is.

An aristocrat invites a black man into his home and - wait, I know what you're thinking, you racist bastard. You're thinking he thieves from him aren't you? Well, what actually happens is, he totally does fucking steal from him! Come on now, black people, you're not helping yourselves. Anyway, it turns out that French people do have a sense of humour, and unlikely friendships can blossom. And if you've ever described a friendship as blossoming before, you must be a bad dick'ead.

So being a wizard didn't work out for Harry fucking Potter and I am delighted. The little shit. He did manage to magic his eyes better though, didn't he? The fuckin' fraud... What do you mean this isn't about Harry Potter? The little posh prick in this will always be Harry Potter, so fuck him and fuck you too... I was trying to say that this film is crap. The ghosts are about as subtle as an erect cock to the face. Not to mention the old houses, spooked locals, graveyards and ghostly silhouettes. How predictable.

This is a documentary about how 40,000 years ago a bunch of pre-historic Banksys decided to graffiti cave walls with pictures of animals, rather than, amazingly, cocks and balls. And about how those images are still giving old men erections to this day. It shows that we haven't really changed all that much in that time; we just use Sharpies as our tools and the back of toilet doors as our canvas.

Oh, Indonesia, you so crazy. I think I wanna have yo' babies... There's something about watching two grown men trying to Eddie-Honda-speed-punch each other to death that is just captivating. The guy who made this film obviously loves kung-fu about as much as Michael Bay loves explosions. If beautifully choreographed fighting is your thing, you have to see this.

I liked this. Especially the bit with Scarlett Johansson's tits. Oh, and the bit with Scarlett Johansson tied to a chair... Seriously though, I like Scarlett Johansson. What's that? Oh the film, right. Yeah, it's good. Best superhero film I've seen. Some quality Hulk rage and Ironman humour just round it off into a very good watch.

The 2014 World Cup is in Brazil. The 2016 Olympics is in Rio de Janeiro. All these Brazilian films about the Rio slums ain't doing shit to advertise the city as somewhere you'd actually want to visit. The Brazilian tourist board needs to tell them to fucking stop.

I have a problem with this film because it's a sci-fi film but, hmm, how can I put this? It's just totally unscientific! What I mean is, it's ridiculous, and we all know science isn't ridiculous. OK, so there was Einstein's hair, but apart from that, it's logical and totally not ridiculous. There needs to be theory in it. The theory behind this is that the Nazis created a colony on the dark side of the Moon in 1945 and subsequently built a death ray to destroy earth. Which says it all really. Shite.

Did you know that because Black Vultures have weaker beaks than raptorial birds, they have to eat any rotting corpses they find from the arsehole inwards? Because that's the soft spot. Well I would rather be a Black Vulture using my mouth to tunnel into the rotting brown pipe of some long dead desert rodent than watch this film again. You might think it's supposed to be a black comedy and I missed the point, but if you think that then fuck you. Some of the monsters are good, but you don't see enough of them.

I know what it's like to have loved and lost. The shock, denial, pain and anger, followed by pathetic bargaining and finally acceptance. I know this because when I was a kid I lost someone very dear to me. I lost Bullhorn, my favourite ever GI Joe figure. He had a sniper rifle that came in his backpack in bits. Can you dig it? It needed fucking assembling! I hope he's living his life somewhere right now, occasionally thinking of me and the time we shared together. Well this is about shit like that.

Another film about some so-called hard woman going round kicking arse. I don't care if she was knows MMA and competed in UFC, she still wouldn't be willing to get the Christmas decorations out the loft, would she? Partly because of the spiders and partly because I want a sandwich, and that isn't going to make itself, is it? Loads of big names in this too, all waving their dicks around trying to out-cameo each other. The dick'eads.

This is about fate and how everything happens for a reason. So next time you step in dog shit, remind yourself that the gods of destiny have decided that you were meant to stand in that shit, you were meant to walk it through your hall, and you were meant to spend 45 minutes cleaning the carpet and then scrubbing it off your shoe. Basically what I'm saving is, the gods of destiny can be total dicks.

I have fond memories of being locked in a box, knowing that before too long I'd be unleashed to serve the disgusting sexual needs of apathetic men who's souls died years ago during sustained childhood abuse. But enough about my days as a gimp... Basically a guy wakes up in a box and spends 90 minutes trying to figure out what in the exact fuck is going on. It's far too to similar to <a href='film/716'>Buried</a> to really grab you by the balls though, and isn't quite as good, so next time you fancy watching a locked-in-a-box themed drama, go for that instead.

I'd rather be locked in a small room with an entire swarm of pissed off tarantula hawks than have to watch this film again. No, I didn't make that up. There are things on this planet called tarantula hawks. They are massive wasps that eat tarantulas for breakfast and have, according to Science, the second most painful bite in the world. And they hate your stupid fucking face nearly as much as I hate this film. So watch your back. I would have gave it less, but it's got tits aplenty.

8 years has passed in Gotham time and yet Batman still hasn't located a lozenge. How ridiculous? I enjoyed this though; Bane is an excellent baddy and the story rounds off quite well. I like how real these films are; Batman, after all, doesn't have any superpowers, and that suits me just fine. The Dark Knight is slightly better, but with Christian Bale, Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy and Michael Caine all starring in this, it shows how much Brits are killing it in Hollywood of late.

The 80s taught me that if a film has Michael Biehn and explosions in it, it's going to be fuckin' amazin'. Well this film has those, and it's an 18, so I expected it to be fuck-off good. Unfortunately, it wasn't. A nuclear bomb is dropped, by what we assume is a bunch of ragheads, and an assorted group of pricks from the same tower block all take cover in the basement. It serves as another reminder - like we need one - that human beings really are fucking horrible creatures.

Well fuck. British Cinema does it again and delivers a round-house kick right to your soul. Women are fucking nuts at the best of times. We all know that. Add a baby and all the hormones and shit that comes with that and you've got yourself a super-crazy bitch. But what if that baby is a genetic clone of his dead father? Yeah, exactly. It is strangely watchable, yet undoubtedly you will find yourself screaming, "No, don't do that... Oh, dude."

Classy foreign film this about what happens when you fuck with the wrong person. I'll give you a clue; it's not good. Chances are you'll end up in shit. No, literally. He ends up in shit. Like actual, human shit. Anyway, the guy who plays Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones is the baddy, and anyone who has seen that knows that fucking with the Lannisters is a bad idea.

This is about a little homeless bastard that lives in a train station and is trying to fix a broken robot. The story basically revolves around him getting his shiny little friend working again and discovering its origins. I got bored half way through and started doing the ironing, which is handy, because I had fucking loads to do. My girlfriend cried, but she cries at everything. Not really my type of film though; no missiles, ass-kicking or swearing, so I'm probably being a little unfair.

There was 3 Werner Herzog documentaries on TV recently called Death Row in which he interviewed Death Row inmates about their crimes and how they've dealt with the guilt of what they did, and how they've come to terms that their life will be ended as punishment. This is a feature length version of one of those. All of them are fascinating and are well worth watching. These guys come across as fairly normal human beings but they've all committed hideous crimes.

I'm terrified of having kids, partly because kids! Fuck! And partly because I'm worried that my child will be the one who turns up to school one day and does the unthinkable... Expresses his love for Nickelback. This film, like the sessions of sadomasochism that border on sexual violence that I partake in every other Thursday, is distressing, touching and brilliant. Like <a href='film/878'>Beautiful Boy</a>, this is difficult to watch but superbly done, and it will leave you questioning your own parenting abilities.

What do you get if you give 3 douche-bags super powers? That's right, superdouche-bags! The first hour is mostly tedious foreplay, so do yourself a favour and just watch the last 20 minutes, as that is pretty good. Needless to say, in true Hollywood fashion, the black guy dies first.

Joe Black goes out for a coffee, meets a beautiful girl and they part amicably, living separate lives, happily ever after... Well, for a few minutes, until he gets hit by a bus. Didn't see that coming did you? Well nor did he... The Grim Reaper then decides to ditch the traditional black, hooded robe look and take up the Brad Pitt look, which, to be fair, we'd all do if we could. Death then goes about his business of being all killy in his new body.

Now this is a story all about how, this little kids life got flipped-turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute to just sit right here, and tell you how he became ace at karate in a town called Beijing... Yeah, that's right. I Fresh Prince'd the shit out of this review. Why? Because Will Smith's kid is in it, obviously, proving that Will Smith doesn't get all the black roles, despite what Cuba Gooding Jnr says. The original, as you'd expect, pisses all over this. And it's actually kung fu.

This is a pleasant reminder that Charles Darwin was the fucking man. And also that nature is a big fuck-off arms race, sort of like the X Men movies but less shit. Charlie D was a troubled man because he knew with the release of his theory, God would quickly become redundant. There are two types of people in the world; those that think God created everything, and those that aren't fucking stupid. Creationists can suck my perfectly evolved cock.

This is another moody Spanish horror with the MILF out of The Orphanage in it. She has some eye problem which means she's slowly losing her sight and then motherfuckers start dying, beginning with her twin sister. Coincidentally, as the film progresses and her eyes become worse, so does the entertainment value... I'd like to turn a blind eye to that, though, and say that it's an out-of-sight horror with an ending that you can't see coming, but, alas, I can't.

Them Nazis did some naughty shit, didn't they? However, all Germans aren't, or rather, weren't, absolute bastards. This goes a small way to showing the scale of tragedy that took place and is a story of true heroism.

This is about a man, right? And get this; he's on a ledge. The idea behind said man finding himself perched on said ledge is, however, fucking ridiculous.

Mr Nice Guy moves with his wife to the small town where she grew up and has some trouble adapting to small town values. Obviously there's only so many "Yes, sir, boss"s and lingering redneck eyes on your wife before you start thinking about kicking you some inbred arse. Not great, but there is a fairly decent death involving a bear trap.

This is real life Plant of the Apes shit. Chimpanzees being raised as close to human childs as possible, including being taught sign language and how to do household chores, before being locked away in cages and ultimately used in animal testing. Believe me, the last place you want to find yourself is in a cage with a pissed-off, fully-grown adult chimp with daddy issues.

This film started brilliantly with Fox On The Run playing loudly. However, pretty much everything after that was a disappointment. The soundtrack is the only decent thing about it, really. The story is very disjointed and there are some horribly blatant Tarantino rip-offs, which leave you with the disgruntling, seen-it-all-before feeling of re-bedding an ex.

This is based on a book written by Ranulph Fiennes that he claims is true, although the British government has denied that to be the case, whilst scoffing a scone and drinking some Earl Grey, no doubt. An oil shiekh decides to take out a bunch of S.A.S. soldiers who he claims murdered his three sons, so he hires a heavy duty assassin in the shape of Jason Statham to do it. Loads of guns, explosions and threats through gritted teeth soon follow, eventually resulting in a fairly bland finalé.

Thor is kind of a dick. However, I've not seen a guy wield his tool with such precise brilliance since I saw Peter North's Greatest Ever Cumshots video. No tool has such power for destruction. And Thor's hammer ain't bad either. This may be a cross between Lord of the Rings and The Matrix, and I may not be that keen on superhero films usually, but this is probably the best one I've seen.

Everyone knows Freud was obsessed with sex, probably because he wasn't get much of it. He believed everyone is as obsessed with sex as he was, especially men. And how, given the opportunity, every man would dip his lolly in another flavour of sherbert, if you know what I mean. I obviously wouldn't, because I'm faithful, and also, because my girlfriend might read this. It gets fairly boring as it develops though, plus, everyone in this is a bellend.

Arnie goes on a virtual vacation and encounters a 3 titted woman. Beats any holiday I've ever had.

A remake of the classic 1982 film, where a bunch of Norweigans are being all Norweigan, trekking across a desolate tundra of snow in their ski buggy, probably on the way to a picnic or something, when they fall through a hole in the ground and find a spaceship. They are then taught the ultimate reason why you shouldn't trust your fellow man. Especially your fellow Norweigan man; they might have marvelous beards, but you can't trust those bastards as far as you could throw one of their ice-breaking, seal-clubbing vessels. All in all, not a bad remake.

The Surgeon of Birkenau was an Olympian standard cunt by any measure. He experimented on and killed many prisoners, including children, at Auschwitz and deserved the most painful of deaths. Ideally one involving his dick being removed and shoved so far up his own arse that he suffered cock flavoured hiccups for the remainder of his miserable life. This film is a fictional tale of the attempted capture of him by the Israeli Mossad. Unfortunately it's not true, 'cause this cunt got to live happily ever after in South America, cock-intact. And if that doesn't infuriate you then Sam Worthington's pathetic effort at an Israeli accent will.

This film will put you off sex for life! And visiting Romania. But mostly sex. They should show this to school-aged girls to remind them of the dangers of sex... It would certainly be more effective than the traditional method of beating your child within an inch of their life with a 2 foot dildo that we all went through when we were kids. Right? No...? Was that just me...? Anyone...?

What would happen if we all woke up tomorrow and there was another earth up in the sky? After we'd all collectively screamed, "The fuck is that?!" obviously? The idea behind this film is that there are billions of versions of me in billions of other earths all living their own lives, and that means that at least one of those other Mikes is dicking Kim Kardashian on a regular basis, and I'll take those odds. There is one outstanding, captivating scene in this film. If only the rest could live up to that.

This is about a guy who gets cancer and how he deals with it. But done in a jokey, feel-good, Hollywood way, because cancer is fucking hilarious, isn't it?

I've been to my fair share of orgies so believe me when I say that a lot of this film is bollocks. For example, there are never any nice looking, young girls there. You might get an attractive older woman who wants to fuck the memories of her cheating husband away, but that's it. The one thing that it did get right is the horrendous, soul-crushing shame of putting your dick into anything and everything, and how until you've seen your best friend being pegged by a 24 stone, female version of John Merrick, then you ain't seen shit.

Any self respecting girl will tell you, there is such a thing as too many fingers in the one pie, if you know what I mean. If you jam too many in you can't do anything with them and they end up just being there. Uncomfortably so. Similarly, there are too many egos in this film. It's been said that too many cocks spoil the broth, and having Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Tom Hardy, Mark Strong, John Hurt and that annoying twat off Sherlock all acting alongside each other is a recipe for an expensively garnished shit glazed with a bitter vinaigrette of disappointment.

How many times are Hollywood going to use the hot-girl-going-around-murdering-people routine? The only thing unique about this one is that she draws a cock or some shit on their chest as a calling card once she's done it, which is the ultimate insult. They're going to have to spend eternity in the after life being laughed at. Not because they have dicks on their chests, no, but because they got killed by a girl! The fuckin' fags. I've never met a single girl in my life that threw a decent punch. And believe me, I know about beating up women.

How many times do you find yourself watching a film and thinking, "This films needs more robots punching other robots" or "This film needs more missiles." No? Well I do, because I was raised on Robot Jox, and that sort of shit is amazing. This film has plenty of robots having fuck-off fights with each other so I expected a lot, and it was entertaining enough. However, if I go see a film about fighting robots I don't expect a tear-inducing father-son story. And it needed more missiles.

I heard from a number of Internet sources that this was hilarious, and that is probably the most widespread lie since people started saying LOL to indicate their mild amusement. This is a bunch of black people taking the piss out of being black, which is apparently funny. If you get a white person even pointing out that a black person is black, then they're racist. Ridiculous, isn't it?

I've got some advice for you: If your girlfriend calls you for a chat because she's upset, you probably shouldn't say Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a film." It doesn't go down well at all. And the film ended up being a load of shit as well."

Sam Worthington came out of nowhere and was suddenly in everything worth being in, and his reputation is growing faster than Val Kilmer's face. However, this is really shit. I was expecting some sort of Se7en-esque serial killer masterclass, but it was just, err, wasn't like that. At all. Plus, you can barely understand what the Texan inbreds are saying half the time too.

The people in this film are as annoying as people who write their 8s upside down. I know, right? Fuck them. And they live in a world where discovering a feral girl in the woods and locking her up in the garage is standard operating procedure. Rather than, you know, fucking telling someone who could help her. What a bunch of twats. And the same goes for anybody and everybody involved in making this shite.

Fuck. Kelly McGillis got old! What the hell? I guess I should expect people to age. But when you have humanoid robots like Sean Connery and Keanu Reeves dominating Hollywood, you just expect them all to be ageless. I'm still watching this film as I write this, and I swear to God, if it gets any more boring I'm probably going to fall asleep right heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Just like the English weather, this is fucking grim. And in this instance, I think we've even managed to out-'What the fuck' the Japanese. Your girlfriend will hate this, so put it on one night when she's pissed off to bed. You probably weren't going to get sex anyway, so why not stay up and depress yourself with a bleak stereotype of middle England? That way you could even cry and no-one would be around to see.

I put this on and quickly realised that I fucking hate cowboy films. In fact, I hate cowboy films so much that next time I'm having a role playing session with my girlfriend, I'm going to ask her to dress up as a cowgirl just so that I can smack her about a bit, rip off her clothes and hate fuck her. Actually, that sounds like a lot of fun. Anyway, where was I? I used to enjoy cowboy films when I was a kid, so I don't know at what point they started doing my tits in.

You think people would be sick of these by now, wouldn't you? I mean there's only so many times you can masturbate over the same Beyoncé nipple slip clip before your cock starts to ache. However, these films are different. You put it on expecting to see beautiful, young people die in extraordinary and wonderful ways, and guess what? That's exactly what you get. The tar death was my favourite.

I love Hugo Weaving; he's a brilliant actor. I like him so much that I would totally piss on him if he was on fire. No, no, that's not right. What I mean is, I'll watch anything he's in, so I watched this. Plus I'm recently back from Australia myself and this is about Brits in Aus. I couldn't really relate though, as they were snatched from their families and sent over there as kids to work manual jobs, whereas I went over there of my own accord, to drink their lager, fuck their women, and punch a Great White in the face. They all stayed away from me though, the fucking fags, so I didn't get a chance.

This is about a couple who get married, have a baby boy, then live happily ever after. Until he goes into school one day with a serious case of the grump and shoots up a bunch of people before turning the gun on himself. Then shit gets hella moody. We know America enjoys gun crime about as much as MTV enjoys making reality TV shows about orange people that live in huge dwellings, but have you ever considered the grief and guilt felt by surviving family members when something like this happens? As you can imagine, it's a right laughfest.

Everyone has that one friend that they wish they could be. They might have rich parents, a cool job, or a hot girlfriend. If you don't, then, like me, you probably are the friend they wish they could be. In which case, pat yourself on the back, because we are fucking awesome. Anyway, this film is about two friends who, during a particularly bromantic shared piss, wish they could be each other, and, thanks to a magic fountain, that's exactly what happens. Parts are amusing, but I thought Family Man did a much better job.

This is about courage in the face of adversity. The sort of courage required to approach a girl, far out of your league, and to have the balls to ask her if you could buy her a drink. The courage to stand there and take the punishing rejection as she looks at you like something that she's just trodden in, shocked that you had the audacity to even speak to her. The sort of courage required to walk back to your mates and to laugh it off, despite your soul having just been crushed... Or the sort of courage to survive, as a Jew, living in Warsaw during WWII.

So this was billed as the female version of The Hangover, and any of you with girlfriends will realise that female hangovers are a fucking pain in your arse. Just because she can't handle her drink, doesn't mean you should spend all of Sunday listening to her whinge. And she "didn't even drink that much"? Sure she didn't. Well fuck her and her slaggy, vodka guzzling friends. No I fucking won't go to McDonalds for you, and no, you greedy pig, there's no fucking chocolate in the house. Now can you please be quiet? I'm trying to watch the F1.

The fuss that was made over this film was the biggest over-reaction since the Y2K Bug. Only in a world where you can drive a pick up truck into a train head on and survive, might you believe that kids can save the world from aliens. By the end of this I couldn't wait for the army to come in blow them all to shit. The kids, I mean, not the aliens. Because they annoyed the fuck out of me.

So the traditional newspaper industry is dying, beaten to within an inch of it's pathetic life by Social Media. I truly couldn't give any less of a fuck. Newspapers have had their day and it's time for them to piss off. If the power of Social Media and the Internet means I can watch a YouTube video on my laptop of two monkeys 69'ing from a zoo in Indonesia that was uploaded 2 minutes ago, which was emailed to be by a friend of mine whilst I have a dump and listen to illegally downloaded music, then I'm all for it.

Tom Cruise has been associated with the action genre longer than Hoover have been associated with vacuum cleaners, so he's getting pretty good at jumping through windows and shit. If he wants to tackle a true mission impossible, though, for the inevitable next chapter in the series, he should try convincing my wife that she'd enjoy anal. I've tried everything, from spoiling her with flowers and chocolates to threats of physical violence, and it's just not happening. What a fucking bitch.

I should have probably gave this a lower rating, but I live in constant hope that one day, someone will really trespass into Nicolas Cage's home and warn him to stop making such shite films by threatening his family with disgusting scenes of sexual torture, so I possibly enjoyed it slightly more than it deserves. I know you're broke, Cage, but fucking hell, man; where is your self-twatting-respect?

Fuck these beautiful people with their fairy tale romances full of quirky humour, a catchy, upbeat pop soundtrack and happy-ever-after. Normal people have to make do with someone they can put up with for 40 years who doesn't mind your farting in bed or how you leave fucking hair every-fucking-where. But they don't mention this shit in Hollywood, do they? Fucking Hollywood. Mila Kunis though... God damn! I would be all sorts of polite to her. Really lay that charm the fuck down.

These superhero films are getting out of hand. You even have people going to the cinema now dressed as their favourite comic book character and role-playing the entire time. I don't get it. The only role-playing I've ever done is in the bedroom with my ex-girlfriend. She would dress up as a naughty school girl and pretend that I was her teacher, and I'd pretend that I loved her.

Did you ever play Age of Empires using the E=MC2 cheat? You had to take on these losers with their spears and knives and shit, and you had a fucking lazer gun. It was fucking awesome. The game I mean, not the film. The film was quite good though, too. I was expecting it to be a load of shit.

The only thing more likely than religion to drive a man to do something crazy is a woman. And this film is about both. And it results in a guy deciding to pick a fight with the pavement from the top floor of a tall building. Some other bloke then has to try to talk him down. After a fairly lengthly chat they decide, fuck women, and they live happily ever after. Oh no, sorry, my bad. They don't.

Ayrton Senna was the fucking man. He had bigger balls than a sex-starved blue whale. Alain Prost, on the other hand, is a fucking French cunt.

I've just been on holiday, which is why the site has been quiet, and I watched this on the plane on the way back in order to help pass the time. However, 45 minutes into it I decided that I'd rather listen to crying children and the fucking incessant cabin call beeping than endure any more of it. The part where a 60 year old beds a Megan Fox looking angel especially annoyed me.

A bunch of genetically engineered, drug-induced monkeys get their own back on humanity for all the years of making them look stupid in TV adverts for tea. And if you think monkeys are cute, you're sorely mistaken. They're rip-your-fucking-face-off terrifying when they want to be.

Has anyone ever told you that every drink you order at a bar and every pack of cigarettes you buy is taking days off your life? Of course they have, we've all had that. Fuck them, right? Well, that is literally the case in this film. Time in the only currency, and bodies stop ageing at 25, so never before in cinema history has there been a world with as many MILFs in it as this. It's also about a serious case of Stockholm syndrome, and how banks are to going to be super easy to rob in the future.

This is total and utter cheese on toast, but it's done on purpose because it's supposed to be one of these ghost hunting TV shows, and they are prime cheddar. However, I found myself laughing at the so-called scary bits more than I found myself feeling any terror. There are a couple of well done parts, but not really anything you've not seen before.

It is, indeed, a crazy world we live in. There are people on this planet right now giving birth, harvesting crops, cycling round the globe, climbing mountains and doing a million other things that you'll never even consider, nevermind actually achieve. Yet look at yourself. Sat there in your underwear pulling 3 day old fluff out of your belly button and contemplating masturbating for the 4th time today. You make me sick.

Every single time I mow my lawn I think of this film. And if you don't know why, well, fuck you, because you should. About a zombillion litres of fake blood were used during the making, which makes it the bloodiest film ever made. It was so gruesome at the time of release, that in some countries supplementary vomit bags were provided when it was rented from video stores.

If you enjoy seeing gangsters being car-bombed to shit then you'll enjoy this. I think I've maybe outgrown films about pizza-loving, man-hugging Italians putting contracts out on each other's lives. It is based on a true story, though, apparently, but aren't they all?

If you've got a brother, chances are he's been a bit of a prick in the past. That's what they do; they be pricks and they be it well. This film is about the love for one's brother, even when he's made the totally dickish move of being locked up for murder. It is based on a true story in which a woman did all she could to prove the innocence of her brother.

This is about some raghead motherfucker who kills him some Americans in the deserts of Yougonedonefuckedupistan and how he tries to escape once he's been caught. You could waterboard the shit out of me and I'd still never say I enjoyed it.

I was looking forward to watching this film so much, because of the solid British cast, that, before putting it on, I wrapped myself in my Union Jack duvet cover, made myself some Early Grey, queued for the bathroom and then complained about the weather. Unfortunately it was a little disappointing. And you know what us Brits are like, with our stiff upper lips; we may say 'a little' but we mean 'very much so, dear boy'.

This is all about the meaning of life and how God can be a total prick at times, if you believe in all that shit. Which, of course, I don't, because it's a load of shit. Didn't I just say that? Come on, keep up. It's like a church trailer and a David Attenborough wildlife documentary rolled into one. If you plan on watching it, get yourself tanked up on Ayahuasca first, then you might enjoy it. I think they expect everyone to come out of watching this with all sorts of questions about life and our role in everything. The only question I was asking once I turned it off was, What the fuck did I just watch?""

I watched this in a cinema full of screaming young girls, so not only did it make all the jumpy parts that much more jumpy, but I also maintained an erection for the entire film, because screaming young girls make me so horny. I really enjoyed the previous two and I really enjoyed this. The horror is extremely clever. However, I'm not so sure about the ending.

A recent study that I totally made up says that this is the shittest Jason Statham film ever released. And studies have to be trusted, because they use science and shit. In fact, I would say Statham starring in this is the Hollywood equivalent of stepping on a rake. A poorly produced, one-fork rake. And it's covered in shit. And the bad guy in this is one of the most unconvincing baddies ever.

This film is about one of those guys that hates everything. They hate football, they hate Christmas, they even hate fajitas... Oh no, hold up, no-one hates fajitas. But these people just live in their own little world of contempt, hating on everything. So I'm going to do some hating of my own. This film is pretty shit, which, considering the cast list, is a bit surprising.

Ryan Gosling has been in more films of late than Troy McClure, but that's ok, because I quite like him. In this he plays a guy who is better at driving than Korean kids are at StarCraft. However, it would have been more believable if the part was played by Jason Statham or someone, because Ryan Gosling just ain't that hard. And there is something incredibly 80s about this - maybe it's just the synth soundtrack - but all in all, I was a little disappointed.

This film takes the piss out of Hollywood better than the Los Angeles sewer system. I don't particularly like Brendan Gleeson though, he's just far too, err, Irish. But he swears a lot in this and anyone who's spent more than 5 minutes on this site knows that I, too, like to swear. And, in fact, I do it as fucking frequently as I can. I'm sure if you're from a small town, you'll appreciate this somewhat, because it's all about how you like to deal with things in your own, err, unique way.

I enjoyed this film about as much as I'd enjoy a foursome with Elisha Cuthbert, Mila Kunis and a tub of mayonnaise. And I fucking love mayonnaise! This is straight-out-the-top-draw shit. Who the hell risks broken bones by actually training as an MMA fighter to be in a film? Tom Hardy, that's who, motherfucker. He is a fucking animal and he is all about hate. He just oozes it out of every orafice. He preaches hate, practices hate and even stinks of pure fucking hate. He doesn't even speak English; he speaks hate. And it's brilliant.

This is like what The Inbetweeners would be like if it was unfunny and depressing, and if Will had a girlfriend but no mates. So yeah, pretty shit. To say it is awkward would be like referring to the Mary Rose as a 'nice boat'. And it's set in Wales, which I actually quite like. It's just a shame that it's full of the Welsh.

Casting a lawyer in Hollywood has to be the easiest job in the world. Everywhere you look there are lying, smarmy, money-grabbing pricks who look good in a suit, and few fit that bill as well as Matthew McConaughey. This is another of those stupid films that tries to be clever but just ends up being, well, not.

I like big 'bots and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny, that when you see them transform from an itty bitty car, into huge shiny autobot, you get sprung... I enjoyed this, and it takes full advantage of that brilliant Hollywood affect of explosions and blue skies. The roaring fire against that sky blue background whilst some CGI brilliance is happening in the foreground really is the money shot, isn't it? However, why do they have to be on so long? Anything longer than 2 hours is just too much for me nowadays.

I could have sworn that the guy in this was the same guy who played Bill S. Preston Esquire in Bill & Ted, but apparently not. I was going to write about how he has a most non-triumphant time miles away from San Dimas, when things take a most serious turn and his plane crashes in the Artic tundra resulting in him having not such an excellent adventure. But shit, it's a different guy. So what the hell am I going to say instead?

When was the last time Bruce Willis was in a decent film? This is another piece of shit about a buch of wiggas driving Escalades, thieving diamonds, shooting each other and talking black. If you're middle class and enjoy listening to Eminem then you might just enjoy this.

I fuckin' hate pikeys.

This film reminds me of that time I had Christmas dinner at my aunty's; we'd had a lovely meal, a few drinks, and I was again delighted with the gift from my cracker, because you can never have too many mini-screwdrivers. Anyway, we were just about to get starter on Trivial Pursuit when some racist dick'ead made a comment about my cousin's Asian girlfriend. And it totally spoiled the day. Good one, Grandad. The majority of this film is, like most family get togethers, bearable - and the guy plays the crazy really well - but the end is disappointing.

This film is based on a couple of real religious sects, mostly the Branch Davidians and the gun battle that happened at Waco. Now, I may not be particularly religious, but I don't recall there being a fable in the bible in which Jesus arms himself with an AK-47 and goes about healing people's souls by murderfucking them in the face with 600 rounds per minute of led. But maybe I missed that one. Either way, this sort of shit actually happened and will no doubt happen again, as there are some proper lunatics running around and doing erratic shit in God's name.

These doctors go to these disease-ridden, famine-ravaged, apocolyptic war zones and are right on the front line of medicine, where, at worst they'll lose their lives, and at best, their sanity. And they have to do it all without their fancy tools, their endless supply of medicine and their ethic boards. But why? Because they're fucking heroes, that's why. And, I suppose, because knowing whether someone lives or dies being entirely dependant on your actions must be fairly exhilarating.

Hollywood has a tendancy to stereotype aliens. They're either murderous bastards intent on harvesting our souls to power their disgusting intergalactic sex toys, or they're little annoying green fuckheads. In this case, it's the latter. And when you combine that with one of planet earth's most annoying fuckheads, Simon Pegg, you can imagine what this film is like. However, it was watchable, and amusing in parts. I imagine if, unlike me, you're quite fond of Pegg, you will enjoy this.

In a world of neon lights where you can't tell what is real and what is fake and women fall in love with Harrison Ford after 3 minutes - no, I'm not talking about Hollywood - a bunch of robots have gone awol from their post and must be located. It's the classic story of man vs machine which Hollywood have done numerous times and to which we can all relate. Although, each time I've taken on a malfunctioning machine I've always won, with the help of my trusty hammer, because fuck you, DVD player that won't work. I fucking showed you, didn't I?

A child gets killed during a break-in at a house in small town America and the local detective has to figure out which tobacco chewing, vest-wearing, pick-up-driving, sister-fucking drunk did it. I managed about 50 minutes of it before deciding that I'd be more entertained if I turned it off and just imagined my own ending, involving them all dying horribly in a sink-hole related catastrophe.

When I was a kid my mother used to tell, "Be careful what you do, don't go around breaking young girls hearts." Err, no, no, that's not right. She used to tell me not to eat so fast, because it'd make me throw up. Well this film is a bit like that. Hollywood has eaten up, far too quickly, a classic tale with a side of Tinseltown fuckbaggery and sprinkled it all with pellets of the worst kind of shit, and has thrown up this half-digsted, vile gunk. I have no fucking idea why I watch these films. Really, I don't.

It's bad enough having to go to your ex-girlfriends house to pick up your Top Gun DVD, your Lionel Richie greatest hits and your anal beads without encountering a serious case of the Zombies, which is exactly what happens here. I enjoy zombie films but they're all just the same nowadays. That idea has been well and truly killed... And is now walking around undead looking to get its eat on, on some bad actor's brains.

Hollywood, we have a problem... This is like the 4th generation inbred offspring of Paranormal Activity and Aliens. The idea is there, but it's just all too familiar. Maybe I watch too many films? I don't know. Shit going wrong in space is often entertaining, and whilst this can be in parts, far too much of it involves nothing but inaudible conversations and shoddy camera work.

This is the story of how the X-Men came to be; explaining why Magneto is such a prick, how amazingly fit Mystique used to be as a teenager, and how Professor X came to get his sit on. I expected it to be shit, but I was pleasantly surprised. And the Wolverine cameo is fucking class.

This is about a guy who ends up in a ravine after a car crash and can't get out because his legs is stuck. If I wanted to see a man trapped in a confined space, squeeling, trembling and struggling to breath, I would have just gone down to my cellar, opened up my gimp box and pissed all over him. And the most common words used throughout this are 'fuck' and 'off', plus one or two other curse words, so in that sense, it's not too different from an evening in with my wife.

I was doing my ironing whilst this was on and at one point I placed the iron too close to the edge of the ironing board and it fell off, and I shit you not, I reached down and swept it out of the air before it hit the floor! And without burning myself. I felt like a fucking Jedi. That's it; there's no punch line. I just wanted to tell you how awesome it was. Unlike this documentary, which was turned off shortly after my moment of glory.

This is a documentary about how a bunch of homos took on the police with nothing but their gay pride and their erections, because if there's one thing all queers agree on, it's that men in uniform are hot. The police had raided one of their favourite bars and they manage to take the dicks out of their mouths long enough to say, "You know what, fuck this!" I may be straight, but I can still recognise that it's nice to see that they had the balls to stand up for something, rather than just bending over like they usually do.

This is about how the economy took it up the arse thanks to the whole banking system being one massive dick measuring contest. These rich pricks have been breaking the law to take from the poor and paying themselves gargantuan bonuses. Money is their drug, when they're not snorting cocaine off high-class prostitues' inner thighs, that is. And they still have their fingers in all the pies, some even being given government jobs by Obama, so nothing is going to change. This will piss you the fuck off.

This is about a bunch of blokes who escape from a Siberian desert and have to trek to safety. And I don't mean the sort of trek you do at 1:45am on a Saturday night to the local garage to buy more biscuits, I mean a proper trek. And it's based on a true story too, which in Hollywood terms probably means there was once this guy who was in prison. You know what they're like for embellishing a story, the deceitful little bastards.

Uhh, wicki-wicki-wild-wild, wicki-wicki-wild, wicki-why, wicki-why, why-why? Seriously though, why? Will Smith turned down the role of Neo in The Matrix to be in this. Hahaha. The fucking idiot. And the fact that he has since admitted that this is the worst film he's ever been in, says all you need to know really. Even Salma Hayak in her prime couldn't make this shit worth watching.

Hollywood just can't do subtle horror, can they? They have to ram a big horror-shaped cock down your throat every time. I was doing my best to get into this, but it was all too blatant and all too tediously unvarying. I was thinking it was pretty bad and then the fucking Ghostbusters turned up and it went totally ridiculous. And where were the special effects? It was just bad actors dressed in old clothes making a bit of noise. They might as well have thrown a sheet over their heads and shouted boo.

If you're thinking of watching this film then I suggest you just skip the middle man altogether and go and jump off a bridge now. Especially if you're living in the Eastern Bloc and have any dreams what-so-fucking-ever. And make sure it's a high bridge; you wouldn't want to be a cripple in a communist state. You'd be about as much use as a broke-dick dog, and if you've ever seen one of them up close, you'd know how upsetting it is to see the heartbreak in their eyes.

If you enjoyed either of the Paranormal Activity films or The Blair Witch Project then you need to see this. Don't read anything about it as that could spoil it; just watch it. It's clearly done on a budget but it is much more suspenseful than most of the shite horrors churned out by Hollywood.

This is a bunch of Americans trying to be English and trying to be funny. I can't decide which they're worse at. Natalie Portman's pre-child arse is tremendous, though.

When the Egyptians were builing their tombs they must have made them especially dark, dingy and cramped, not to mention booby trapped, just to make them so sodding difficult to escape. Which leads me to think that they must have also made some of the best sex dungeons this side of Josef Fritzl. I loved this when I was a kid; I could relate to it, as could anyone else who'd spent any time in a sex dungeon, but having seen it again recently, I think I may have outgrown it slightly. The film that is, not the sex dungeon.

We really are fucking Mother Nature up the arse, and we have been for a long time. Anyone who has ever been involved in that disgusting shit knows there's only so long you can keep it up before you get shat on. Literally. This is about how a group of long haired, probably pot smoking, young people in the 70s decided to politely remind everyone that if we don't stop polluting the world soon, Gaia will put on an earth sized strap on and furiously go to town on humanity's back door.

This is fairly enjoyable, and amazingly I didn't spend the entire film thinking about how much I'd like to punch Nicolas Cage's face in, which I normally do, because fuck Nicolas Cage. However, this time, it was probably because I was too busy thinking about how much I like to put my dick in, and around, Amber Heard's mouth.

A young black man, who enjoyed being abused so much as a child, decides to join the Navy, which is famous for its tough love. Or as it's more commonly known, butt fucking. They must have cut those scenes out though, because this is about growing up, getting laid and poetry, which is fairly ridiculous, because you know as well as I do that black men don't write poetry. They throw a fat beat in, add some cuss words and call it rap.

I just can't make my mind up about Cameron Diaz. Is she or isn't she? 13 year old me insists that she definitely is, but 28 year old me is less sure. In this she has to play an ageing bitch with no tits who needs to make enough money to buy herself some breast implants, and seeing as she is an ageing bitch with no tits, she plays the part fairly well.

I must be getting old; I don't know what's funny anymore. Back when I was a kid it was all about making fun of the disabled and torturing little animals. Nowadays it's all about laughing at drunk people and joking about date rape. And Charlie Day is annoying in the same way that people who tell you to "cheer up, it might never happen" are annoying. Fuck them, the condescending little twats. Anyway, I spent more of this film nursing a semi for Jennifer Aniston than I did laughing.

This film is Honduran, which is about as foreign to an Englishman as drinking in moderation, so I couldn't relate to it, and therefore, didn't particularly enjoy it. I tried to empathise, but I was sat there in my nice comfy home with my 38" HD TV, Xbox 360, endless supply of water, a well stocked fridge, and my million other priveledges, knowing that I have a secure job, a stable government, and a fairly wonderful life, whilst there are people in the world struggling to get a slice of a slice of the pie that I have... So I ignorantly turned it off, and felt instantly less guilty.

We all enjoyed a bit of GI Joe when we were kids, and yeah, we all borrowed our sister's dolls every now and then so the Tiger Force could run a train on Barbie's arse, but fucking hell... This guy takes it to whole new levels. But that's OK, because that's what serious brain injury can do. At least he's not sitting around in a diaper, dribbling from one corner of his mouth and shouting obscenities at the walls.

I'm not that keen on war films, nor films with no explosions, and this is both. A group of students distribute anti-Hitler propaganda through their university and get caught. Once the Nazis realise that the leafets basically say, "Hitler is a fag. LOL", they find themselves in deep shit. As it's subtitled, and relies mostly on dialogue, I probably would have done less reading if I'd spent two hours with my face buried in a book, but it does show that Germany wasn't entirely full of Nazis and their abiding hate and is worth watching.

It's a bit misleading this, as it's not really got anything to do with source code. Being a programmer I was looking forward to a proper nerdathon, but it doesn't really bother explaining the how of the situation, which left me sat there, alone, naked, and hunched over my laptop, being all socially awkward with myself whilst I questioned the logic. However, imagine Sky Sports coverage of a bomb going off... Yeah, that's right: 47 different angles of the same train exploding! And plenty of Jake Gyllenhaal death too.

This is what I imagine Twilight to be like. I've obviously never seen Twilight, but you know what I mean. Sort of like what Dawson's Creek would have been like if Dawson had been a cheesy Jedi. It should have been called I Am Number 2, because that's what it is, a big steaming pile of number 2*. Basically, there's more chance of me winning the lottery than there is of me ever watching this again. And I don't even play the lottery.<br /><br />* Shit. That means shit.

These films all follow the same shit formula and I'm sick of it. It's not funny. It's a piece of shit propaganda aimed at women to try to persuade them that men aren't really so bad, and deep down their husbands/boyfriends really do love them, and they wouldn't ever cheat on them, even if they were given the chance. Which of course they don't get, because the majority of women are bitches. Plus, fuck Owen Wilson.

You'd think having seen Taken that people would learn not to fuck with Liam Neeson. Evidently not. Although this time he's a faggy scientist with a bad case of amnesia, rather than mega-tough murder-cunt... Or is he? After being in a car accident he wakes from a four day coma to discover that his wife no longer recognises him and wants nothing to do with him, which normally takes most couples twenty years of marriage, and a bellyfull of regret, to realise.

What's worse than wasting your Sunday morning watching a B movie? How about wasting your Sunday morning watching 5 B movies all condensed into one. Well that's what this is, 5 short stories, each as shit as the next. I only managed to get through the first three before turning it off and taking out my frustrations on my girlfriend. It wasn't her fault or anything, but she was the nearest thing to hand, and why get off the couch? A wireless Xbox controller is as good a weapon as any.

Like.

This is a 100 minute long trailer for hallucinogens that promotes the fact that as long as you never run out, drugs are OK. If you're going to do it, kids, do it properly. Just ask Iggy Pop. He's done more drugs than Lindsey Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Tony Montana could cumilatively manage at a month-long party at Pablo Escobar's ranch, and he's still alive and kicking. Go on, get yourself a lifetime supply and stop being such a fucking girl about it.

This is about a bunch of men waltzing around in top hats and trenchcoats, teleporting into people's lives and fucking with their shit. Yeah I know, fuck those guys! But even with their superpowers and their endless budget they still can't stop a horny Matt Damon from getting laid. So, err, fuck those guys!

I only watched this because the poster has Natalie Portman in her underwear and it suggests that you get to see her engaging in sexual activity, and you do! However, it's softer than my dick was during The Queen's Christmas speech of 1984. And I know she was much younger and much, much hotter back then, but I wasn't even 2 years old, so I couldn't have gotten hard even if Medusa had used a polyurethane adhesive as lube to wank me off. I bet you're picturing that now, aren't you? I fucking hope so.

When I first heard of this I assumed it would be another Bloods vs Crips drama about wrong choices, young death and loyalty. Then someone told me it was about aliens and I pictured a bunch of gun-toting E.T.s waltzing out of their big-ass steel spaceship wearing entirely the wrong colour bandanas and doing entirely the wrong hang signals and getting their little green arses handed to them by a united Blood/Crips gang that took time from their usual schedule of murder, robbery, drug trafficking and extortion to defend their home city. It wasn't like that, but it was entertaining enough.

This is sort of what you'd get if Blade and The Book of Eli had film sex, although it would certainly be the runt of the litter. Now I don't know about you, but I'm currently imagining some hot, sexy love scene involving Denzel Washington and Wesley Snipes, and, oh my God, it's disgusting. They've got scented candles, slow, cheesy music playing and... Fuck... That is... Just wrong. Anyway, where was I? Oh right. This film ain't shit, if you know what I mean. No, I mean, it is shit, but it ain't shit! Is that right? I don't know. I can't understand these young people anymore with their backward language.

This is one of those films that just makes you want to stick your dick in something. It is visually stunning, and not just because the women are good looking and spend lots of time doing high kicks and back flips wearing only their underwear. They also slice throats and shoot people in the face, all in super slow motion. I just wish my girlfriend could take a punch like these girls can; it would certainly put an end to all that crying I have to put up with, every fucking time.

This is about young love, bad decisions, family, growing old and resentment. Ever wondered why your mum hates your dad so much? Or why you dad insists on half a bottle of whisky every night after work? Well this might give you a fairly good insight. At 16 you've got all the potential in world and then next thing, all at once, you're middle aged and you hate your life. This is one of those excellent films which isn't exactly enjoyable to sit through.

This is a documentary about how a bunch of homos took on the police with nothing but their gay pride and their erections, because if there's one thing all queers agree on, it's that men in uniform are hot. The police had raided one of their favourite bars and they manage to take the dicks out of their mouths long enough to say, "You know what, fuck this!" I may be straight, but I can still recognise that it's nice to see that they had the balls to stand up for something, rather than just bending over like they usually do.

If you're into Jason Bourne and also into little albino girls, you're a sick fuck. However, you will enjoy this film. It does contain a fair number of stereotypes though; Brits on holiday, German skinheads, Spanish people who like to dance, fiery redheads, and the most over-done stereotype of all time; the little, multilingual alino girl raised in the Arctic by her father to become a killing machine... Err, yeah.

What is it with Hollywood sex scenes? Why does the woman always keep her bra on? Playing with and looking at boobs is one of the best parts about having sex. That and, of course, 13 year old you, screaming out from deep within your subconscious, "OMG I'M HAVING SEX. OMG I'M HAVING SEX. OMG I'M HAVING SEX." Anyway, this film is shit, which is disappointing because the cast is fairly solid.

I thought this was fairly predictable. Nearly as predictable as the fact that Anthony Hopkins would act the shit out of it, like he always does. He could make a Go Compare advert watchable. To be fair though, when your benchmark is The Exorcist - which it always is with these sorts of films - you're only ever going to be second best.

Jason Statham and Ben Foster get their Batman and Robin on; fancy cars, bullets to the face, explosions and kung-fu. Throw in an inevitable shirt removal scene and a couple of witty one-liners and what you've got is a celebration of arse-kicking. Some actors worry about being typecast, but Statham embraced it some time ago, squeezing the life out of it then walking off into the sunset with its woman. He's like what James Bond would be if James Bond wasn't such a fucking girly boy.

A friend of mine recommended this to me, so I'm just about to send him a text message telling him to go fuck himself. I'm also going to send a text message to all my other friends questioning his sexuality. Basically some obese loser from America befriends a little Australian girl and they become penpals. A penpal, in case you don't know, is what you'd have back in the day, before the Internet, when you wanted to send pictures of your dick to people on other continents.

Similar to The Blair Witch, this passes itself off as a documentary made using real video footage supposedly taken by a serial killer as he goes about his business of being all stabby. Unfortunately, the acting is so monumentally bad that it just isn't believable. I turned it off with 30 minutes to go, so it might have got much better towards the end, but I seriously doubt it.

This is about a ugly little wrinkly baby that gets better looking as he gets older. Sort of like Kylie Minogue. It's a good film but it's just on for so long. So much so that you won't be too keen to re-watch it. I know all your lives are fairly hectic, what with all the Xboxing that you do and your strict masturbation schedule, but this is certainly worth at least one watch.

What is it with Hollywood sex scenes? Why does the woman always keep her bra on? Playing with and looking at boobs is one of the best parts about having sex. That and, of course, 13 year old you, screaming out from deep within your subconscious, "OMG I'M HAVING SEX. OMG I'M HAVING SEX. OMG I'M HAVING SEX." Anyway, this film is shit, which is disappointing because the cast is fairly solid.

I'm a firm believer in getting out there, living your life, taking on new experiences and learning and growing as an individual as you do it, which is totally why I let that girl shit on me that time. I now know the true meaning of disgust and self-pity, and I am a better person for it. So yeah, get off the Internet and go and experience the shit out of life. Just not literally, like I did, because there are some things that even a 4 hour shower can't wash away.

So Nicolas Cage is given the task of escorting a witch from a town where she is causing chaos to a monastery where she will be dealt with. I reckon the people in the town probably disliked Nicolas Cage as much as I do, and just gave him a shitty job to do so that he would fuck off. It's not actually too different from how Hollywood is treating him now, too. They keep giving him these shite film roles hoping he'll get the message but he just keeps doing them.

I will never watch another Rob Zombie film, because this is as bad as House of 1000 Corpses. He can go fuck himself.

This film is about how getting the whole world to take some natural hallucinogen, like Ayahuasca, would solve all our problems. Apparently we'd all connect to a higher state of consciousness in which we would all realise how much we're fucking everything up. Well sign me up! I'm willing to do my bit for humanity. Also covers other interesting stuffl like noetic sciene and oil eating mushrooms, but really, large parts are fairly boring, especially to the ignorant majority.

I was all kinds of angry when this finished. What a waste of my fucking time.

This is your typical cops vs robbers film, and it's based in Australia, which is clearly the place to start when you want to make a film about criminals, because not only are the robbers criminals, but so are the cops, and those that aren't look like Guy Pearce sporting a porno-tache. However, there isn't a single mention of shrimp, BBQs or surfing, and at no point does anyone say 'strewth' or 'sheila', but it is fairly entertaining, if you can look past those obvious plot holes.

We've all been there, wandering the streets, thinking about how to keep ourselves entertained, when we happen upon a homeless person, take out the knife, and shiv that fucker to death. Well, this film is about that, except one of them decides being mercilessly killed isn't for him and starts paying society back. With shot-gun shells. It's a bit like a B-Movie, but that's a bit insulting. To B-Movies. Seriously though, fuck this film.

You know what? Fuck this film and fuck Tom hanks. You know why? Because what's in the FedEx box, Tom? Seriously. I can't believe you don't get to see what is in that fucking box. Actually, I know what's in the box. A huge slice of corporate-sponsored, product-placed, Fuck You flavoured pie. And even though you didn't get to see it, they still managed to feed you every last crumb of it.

This film reminds me a bit of a weekend away I had with my mates a couple of years ago. Partly because both involved drink, drugs, a cottage out in the wilds, and a fairly hostile reception from the locals. But mostly because they both started well, then went steadily downhill. Ours was more of a drink and drug induced slide into oblivion, whereas the film just petered out a little. I did laugh out loud a couple of times, but that was about it.

I've never been to the TT races on the Isle of Man, so this was fairly educational for me. One thing I learned is that these guys are abso-fucking-lutely crazy. Picture Charlie Sheen on day 19 of a drink and drugs binge, sat in a children's ball pit wearing an adult-sized babygrow and a chef's hat, smokin' a pipe and masturbating... Well they're crazier than that. Another thing I learned is that Guy Martin loves wanking. This is not just a film about the racing; it's about the racers and their families and the risks they take to do something that they love.

So who was the first person to reach the top of Everest? Edmund Hillary? Well officially it was, but did George Mallory beat him to it, by some 29 years? This is the story of Mallory's obsession with Everest and how he died taking it on. But did he make it to the top before his death? If climbing, or Mount Everest, intrigues you, then you need to see this.

Robert Downey Junior has to travel from one coast to another for some reason, probably to meet his bail conditions or something, so he gets on a plane. However, he is kicked off it and banned from flying for being a smackhead or something, and accepts a lift from the bearded guy from The Hangover instead. The best thing about it is the little wanking dog, because wanking dogs are fucking funny.

Russell Crowe's wife gets locked up for a crime he believes she didn't commit and wakes up one day and thinks, you know what, fuck the law. It's a little bit like Law Abiding Citizen, but instead of dishing out revenge flavoured murder to all those responsible, he's trying to get his wife out of jail. Oh, and there's not as many explosions, obviously. I don't know why he didn't just command The Armies of the North to stab their way into prison. I'm sure that would have made a much better ending.

This is about the seedy and disgusting - yet amazing - world of internet porn. I'm what you might call an internet porn connoisseur, AKA a man, so I was really looking forward to this, and it didn't disappoint. Some parts are a little hard to believe but what do you expect when Hollywood takes a true story and tries to twist every last cent out of it? And with Boris the Blade playing the Russian mob boss, it always was going to be fairly entertaining.

To quote Dr Gillian McKeith, "Yes, this is an uninteresting piece of shit." The idea behind it is that people who watch films are fucking idiots. No, sorry, that's just what the people who made it think. The actual idea is that shadows start eating people whilst making total non-spooky whispering sounds. Imagine the shittest ever episode of Lost; well this is worse than that.

I thought the girl in this film was quite attractive up until she got beaten up and had cuts and bruises and shit all up in her grid. Then when that happened she got hella sexy, because battered women make me so horny. Any of my ex-girlfriends will attest to that. Anyway, at that point I turned it off, party because it was boring me to shit, and partly because I had a massive erection that needed some attention.

The idea behind this is that a guy has to find an idiot to take to dinner so that he and his work friends can make fun of them. So in that sense it's not too different from taking my girlfriend to a family meal. The only problem was that the film dragged on so much, and so thoroughly bored my face off, that I turned it off before they even got to the dinner, which, unfortunately, isn't something I can do during a family meal.

The King's Peach is a film about Elvis Presley's intense love for a piece of fruit and how, after parting from it, he died, sat on a toilet, literally from a broken heart. Wait, what? That's the wrong film? Oh right. The Kings Speech, of course. This is about a king's problem with p-p-public speaking and how he had to overcome it. However, I still think that the Royal family are a bunch of nob'eads.

To say that this film is bad would be like fucking understatement up the arse. I would probably have given it a 1 but it has a fit bird in it, and you get to see her tits.

Cracking little Danish film, this. A Copenhagen police officer is sent to a small farming town to become their new marshall in order to help him recover from a recent breakdown. He's not been there long when he begins thinking the same thing we've all thought when we've spent more than 5 minutes in a small town, "These people are fucking weird." And who can blame them? When you spend so long hanging around with so many damn sexy sheep and breeding with your first cousins, you're going to be a bit on the odd side.

Pablo Escobar and Andres Escobar were considered superheroes by most of Colombia, one for being a brilliant footballer and captain of the national football team, and the other, well, for being Pablo Fucking Escobar. If you don't know who he is then you've obviously not spent enough of your life snorting cocaine. This is a documentary about them both, their rise to the top and the dramatic events that led to their deaths. Even now, it is difficult to comprehend what happened with Colombia during the World Cup of 1994.

This is a documentary about the prostitution of young girls in Thailand and Venezuela. They basically dedicate all their time towards finding themselves a rich, foreign boyfriend to marry. Not really my scene, but I suppose I could consider it if I found myself old and alone. They would have to speak English though, which a lot don't, because how else would they understand my disgusting sexual demands and constant abuse?

There are a certain group of pastry chefs that get such vigorous hard-ons for desserts that they compete in a sort of pastry world cup every four years, in which the best are given the title of Meilleur Ouvrier de France, which basically means they're like the Tiger Woods of the pastry world, and all they get to show for it is a medal, and some crazy pussy, I assume. It's a bit like watching the X Factor but you end up with a massive appetite for cake rather than a massive appetite for punching Simon Cowell's smug fucking face in.

This is basically a big fuck you to Hollywood and its critics. They've tried to make the most ridiculous film they can, but why? For no reason whatsoever. You might as well sit back and try to enjoy this complete mindfuck because if you do try to make sense it, your head might just explode. Which, incidentally, is one of the best things about it! I did like the first 5 minutes or so, but after that it just rolled on, slowly, downhill.

I know I often exagerrate for comedy value but this film really is the most fucking stupidest thing ever. The idea is that Santa Claus is an Olmpinian standard dick who once got buried under a moutain for eternity, but now, for reasons unknown, someone has released him and his minions, who, of course, go around acting the twat, just like your Uncle Norm does every single fucking year at Christmas dinner.

Do you know how Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson got his nickname? Apparently it's because he's really predictable when it comes to playing Rock, Paper, Scissors... OK, I just totally made that up, but still, he is fairly predictable; he's going to play a tough guy that spends the majority of the film in a shirt that's too small for him whilst doing that crazy eyebrow shit and kicking an inconceivable amount of arse. But he does it well, and I found this fairly enjoyable.

So a girl moves into this guy's apartment and he becomes obsessed with her; he spies on her, stalks her and even slips sedatives into her drinks, which, to be fair, is something I can relate to with absolute familiarity. However, the girl he becomes obsessed with is Hilary Swank!! I know! How unrealistic! If you are keen on her, though, well, firstly, get a life, but secondly, watch this, because you do get to see her in various stages of undress. Had they picked someone attractive, it may have made it more watchable.

Pat Tillman was already a hero to millions whilst earning mega money as an NFL star, but when he gave it all up at the age of 25 to join the Army Rangers to take on the rag heads, he became as popular in America as David Hasselhoff ever has been in Germany. When he controversally died during service and the US army, the US government and the media used it as propaganda to bleed more patriotism out of the country, his family demanded the truth. This is the story of what happened.

This film is about as interesting as when a work colleague starts telling you about a totally crazy dream they had last night. Just shut up already and stop hogging the water cooler. I literally could not give a single fuck. If you're 10 years old then you'll probably enjoy this, but if that's the case, you shouldn't even be on this site, you mischievous little bastard. Go wake your mother up from her smack nap and have her take you to the park or something.

This is about how Al Capone was sent to jail. And just like the rest of Hollywood and its horrible deceiving face, it's all a lie. Yeah, so a guy named Ness tried to put Capone behind bars but he spent lots of time and lots of money and did lots of failing. It was the tax charges brought against Capone by Frank J. Wilson and prosecutor George E.Q. Johnson that put him away, but then again, that wouldn't make a very interesting movie, would it? I struggle to enjoy this film nowadays, partly because I know it's false, partly because it's dated, and partly because fuck Kevin Costner.

I remember this one girl that I really fancied from a class of mine at university. She came over to do an assignment with me once, and I spent the entire time trying to do it. The girl I mean, not the assignment. Eventually she called me a creep and left, so I waved my dick around in the air at the exact place that her mouth would have been moments earlier, whilst masturbating... I'm only kidding; as if I've ever had a girl over! This film has a similar theme to that, though. Oh, and there's aliens too.

This is a film about a father and son bonding and how only the threat of death will make them truly appreciate one another. I don't know why they didn't just have a beer together whilst watching the footy and telling each other racist jokes; that's how most blokes bond. James Cameron just likes using other people's money to investigate shit he finds interesting, like the Titanic, huge fucking caves, and, err, big blue tree-hugging aliens...

Ferris Bueller was a hero to millions of kids back in the 80s, because he lied, thieved and destroyed shit. I often wonder, with role models such as these, how I ever grew into such an up-fucking-standing member of society? If you look at it carefully enough you'll come to realise that he is actually a total bellend, but a total bellend good at playing sick from school, which we all wish we were better at when we were young.

Interesting film this, about the story of an ex-soldier and his experiences of the Lebanese war. He visits old friends trying to come to terms with what he saw and what happened to him. And all of it is rather brilliantly animated into some quite moving scenes.

This is obviously an 80s classic, and had many a kid, me included, asking our parents for our very own titanium plated body suit for Christmas. Did I ever get one? Did I fuck. So fuck you, mum. And fuck you, dad. There are people in Detroit lobbying to get a statue of RoboCop erected for God's sake! Maybe that says more about Detroit and its residents than it does about the film, but still. Maybe nowadays people wouldn't hold such disdain for the police if there were more badass cyborgs and ED-209s amongst them.

The storyline for this film makes about as much sense as the storyline to Ghettobitches Vol 7, although, I suppose, I hadn't seen the previous 6 of those, so that may be why that didn't make sense. Anyway, I managed about 35 minutes of this before I turned it off, which is about 33 minutes longer than I lasted into Ghettobitches Vol 7, albeit for a totally different reason.

This film is about what happens when you die. I'm pretty sure I know what happens when you die, well, if you're a bloke anyway: You get to spend one day in Hugh Hefner's body, then that's it, because you can't get better than that. That also explains why he's immortal, because he's actually just a vessel by which male souls the world over exprience one day of heaven before they dissolve into nothingness. Which, coincidentally, is pretty much what happens in this film; nothing.

I nearly went to see this at the cinema when it was just released, which would have been a little embarrassing, because after about 30 minutes I would have stood right the fuck up and gone bitching to someone about getting my money back. I don't like bitching, especially to spotty 16 year olds who are on the minimum wage, so I saved myself the bother. All I had to do at home was press the stop button. No embarrassment involved.

Your new flat mate dies in his room, so what do you do? Phone the police? Right? Wrong. You search his room for stuff to steal. And then, if you find a suitcase full of money, then what do you do? Hide the money, then phone the police? Well no, apparently not. Apparently you hide the money then decide to cut up his body into pieces and bury it in the woods. And why do you do that? Because it makes an storyline for a movie, of course. I don't care how Scottish or how tight you are, you just wouldn't do this in real life.

You know how your dad never stops going on about that band he was in when he was younger? How he played in front of hundreds of people, had news articles written about him, and had endless and endless tail? Just fucking shut up, Dad. Anyway, this is a documentary about a bunch of dads that think they've still got it, so they bury their differences and go touring Europe. But just how big were they? And do they still have it?

I thought this was going to be great, but it wasn't. In fact, it was as disappointing as bagging a fitty at a bar only to notice when you get her home and remove her knickers that's she's got a clunge like Terry Waite's allotment. If you want to know the story behind this then watch Little Dieter Needs To Fly, because that is the true story version, and is much more entertaining.

I went the cinema to see this, so it cost me Ł6.50, which in my world is nearly a tenner, and a tenner is a lot of fucking money. After 30 minutes I nearly found God in the hope that if I pray hard enough he'll magically make this film better. I could have left, but it cost me a tenner! I struggled on, somehow. I pray that you do not have to.

Trying to understand women is liking trying to break the Enigma code: nigh on impossible. Unless you're Alan Turing, of course. Except he was homosexual. Which does make you wonder; if the only person in the history of the planet who could understand women decided to have relations with men, well, then that says a lot about how fucked up women are, if you ask me.

This is one of those 'cult films', which basically just means there's a handful of people who love it, and the rest think it's fucking shit. I being part of the rest, in this case.

This is a film about why having a super hot girlfriend isn't always a good thing, and how every kind gesture by her, or every polite kiss on her cheek, may seem more like a sexual advance. And when these are seen through the green, green eyes of a jealous husband that does his negotiating with his fists, things may go awry. Jake LaMotta was obviously a hard case, it's just a shame that he didn't realise that when it came to friends and family, it was time to stop throwing punches.

I enjoyed this film nearly as much as I enjoy discussing the pros and cons of various sedatives on Internet forums, which, believe me, I do a lot! If you too enjoy talking about the benefits of benzodiazepines and tranquilizers then you should join us at www.makeheryourlov... Hold up. What am I doing? I'm supposed to be writing a film review... Right, the film is excellent, and certainly won't put you, or your date, to sleep. If that's what you're looking for then I suggest going for some sort of flunitrazepam, like Rohypnol.

This is a documentary about some studies that were done into some of life's key question: Is bribing my kid to do well at school a good idea? Will the name I give my child affect how his life turns out? Just how trustworthy are sumo wrestlers? We've all asked ourselves these at some point, and this film will give you the answers, as well as others. I'd already read the book before seeing this, so some of the 'magic' was lost on me, but I still enjoyed it.

I watched this in the cinema and there was a couple on our row that spent the entire time with their tongues down each other's throats. I can't believe people do that. If I spend Ł7 on a ticket to see a film then you can bet that I'm watching it. If my girlfriend ever tried that shit I'd tell her that she can do whatever she wants with her tongue back at my house, after the film, without pissing anyone off, and for free! In fact, not only can she, but I probably paid for her ticket, so I'd damn well expect her to.

I enjoyed this film about as much as I'd enjoy sitting in a bubble bath with Boris Yeltzin talking about the economic downturn of the Russian Federation following the dissolution of the Soviet Union. It's about a couple of nerdy losers that can't find a girlfriend/boyfriend. I think I gave it about 30 minutes before turning it off.

It was during the 11th viewing of The Girl Next Door when I decided that I was going to marry Elisha Cuthbert. I thought why not? If Seal can bag Heidi Klum, then I think I've got a chance with Elisha. I went to see this film at the cinema whilst still deeply in lust with her, so before I even got to my chair I had an erection. Unfortunately, the film wasn't great, and even my darling Elisha couldn't fix that.

This film makes about as much sense as keeping your ketchup in the fridge. Oh, you do that? Well get a fucking grip. When was the last time you put it on anything cold? Actually, I don't want to know. I'm sure it will disgust me. My point is that most (normal) people put it on warm things, like chips, and my penis. Wait, what? Yeah, my girlfriend fucking loves ketchup! Anyway, just stop it. It doesn't make it taste nicer and if you're worried about it going off, then you're obviously not eating enough of it! Try putting some on your penis though, seriously. Girls love that shit.

This is like an episode of Beverley Hills, Area 51. If aliens ever do invade and we have to rely on people like this then we are fucked. Unless the aliens challenge us to a rap-off or some sort of winner-stays-on Beer Pong competition. I probably should have just turned it off, but I quickly developed such a fierce dislike for each and every character that I wanted to see them all die horribly.

There's more swearing in this film than there would be in a swear-off between Gordan Fucking Ramsay and his pet fucking parrot. He probably doesn't have one, but picture the scene anyway: it'd be "fuck this" and "fuck that", and then, next thing, the parrot opens a restaurant and shit gets real. You get the idea? Well this film has more swearing than even that!

This film proved that all you need to make a really scary film is a camcorder and a few willing participants, even if they are total pricks. It provided the inspiration for an entire genre of films that are still popular today, and serves as a staunch reminder to Hollywood that sometimes not knowing is a lot more terrifying than all these CGI ghouls and ghosts that they insist on shoving down our throats.

This film stinks worse than a dying man's shit.

This is about the trading of human organs on the black market and how far one man will go to save his daughter's life. Because Pablo the Mexican goat herder doesn't need his heart as much as John the American lawyer does, there are people in Mexico kind enough to take Pablo's heart and give it to John, for the sake of humanity (and their wallets). And why, when they're paying such a premium, should they have to wait for someone to die when they can just go and make someone dead?

If you like the idea of ridiculously rich blokes betting on a game that is similar to Russian Roulette then you may enjoy this. The cast is excellent, but it's bit like baking a shit flavoured cake; you can add as many fancy ingredients as you want, it's still going to taste like shit. Believe it or not but Jason Statham doesn't kick a single person in the face! And Ray Winston spends the majority of it being docile, but he does manage to call one person a cunt, which obviously meets that one particular clause in his contract.

This is a satirical look at suicide bombers, because blowing the shit out of innocents is fucking hilarious. Being a product of British comic genius Chris Morris, I was expecting a lot, and whilst it didn't quite deliver, there are some laugh out loud moments.

I remember watching this a teenager and thinking it was a bit weird, yet still enjoying it. I've long come to terms with the fact that as a child I was a bit of a dick, so I was sure that if I watched this again as an adult, I'd thoroughly enjoy it. I was wrong. I love Brad Pitt but he is annoying as fuck as in this, although that's the point. I guess I'm just not so keen on how Terry Gilliam envisions the future, whether it be this or Brazil, which was also crap. Strange really, because I mostly love films set in a future postapocolyptic world.

I don't know much about basketball because I'm not black - Uh, I mean, because I'm not American. One thing I do know is that LeBron James is a ridiculously talented dick head. Or so the media would have you believe. This documentary shows his progress, and that of his team, from childhood to competing in the national championship game in their senior year. It is well worth watching, because real life drama slam dunks the shit out of fiction.

This is about a guy in prison that is up for parole, and he tries to get his wife to influence one of the parole officers responsible for deciding if he gets released or not. She will do anything to ensure that her husband gets out, and she does, the little slut. It's kind of annoying though, because she's fit and he's old, and old people bagging fitties doesn't sit well with me because I should be bagging them instead! For a De Niro/Norton film, it's a bit of a let down.

I now know what I want to be when I grow up: a motherfucking troll hunter! Bring on those big ugly bastards. Thank everything that is holy that I didn't see this when I was 8, not because it would have terrified me, but because it would have engulfed my life, and instead of growing up wanting to punch Russian ogres in the face (thanks Rocky), I instead would have dedicated my life to finding and destroying trolls, and would have probably moved to Norway, and would, at this exact moment, be freezing my balls off hiding under a bridge with a massive super-powered torch, waiting for my foe to return.

This is made out to be a modern day Rocky, but let me tell you this; Rocky Balboa would fuck up Micky Ward's shit, and he'd do it with his fists. It's another film based on a true story, but I couldn't help but despise the guy's entire family. They're a bunch of total pricks, although that is the point, I suppose. Christian Bale does a fairly good job of playing a crack head too, but what else do you expect?

This is a real life mystery based on the true story of a girl who went missing in the 80s. It suggests that her husband was a bit looney and may have done it, although it remains unsolved, even today. I'm pretty sure we've all considered murdering our girlfriends/boyfriends before. If I ever killed my girlfriend I'd just try to persuade the judge to let me have all the time I've waited for her to get ready before a night out as time served. That way I would probably just be allowed to go free.

Natalie Portman apparently spent 5 hours a day, every day, for 6 months, dancing her tits off in training for this film. No, literally; she's danced them off. She looks sick as fuck, although Mila Kunis does an outstanding job as the alternate hot piece of ass. Plus, you get a P.O.V. of her giving head, which was worth the admission fee alone. I'm not particularly fond of ballet (because I'm not a homosexual), but I still enjoyed this, although I was a little disappointed with the finalé.

Watching this installment of the Bourne series is a little like having sex with an ex-girlfriend. As enjoyable as it is - and, to be fair, it is - you've seen it all before, and while it does come to some sort of messy conclusion, it's not really what you hoped for. You're only after a bit of action though, aren't you? So there's really no need to dwell on it.

Jason Bourne has now realised that he's a deadly human version of a Swiss Army Knife and has taken himself and his not-so-hot girlfriend off to Goa to live the happy life, when an exceedingly British sounding Russian hitman tries to kill him. He, surprisingly, doesn't take this very well, so decides to go on a road trip round Europe, occasionally kicking people in the face and threatening women. Like the first, it's a solid action film.

Some guy wakes up wondering who he is, where he is, and - most importantly - why he's surrounded by sailors. He quickly checks he's not been bum raped before setting about discovering as much as he can about himself. We've all got things that we'd like to forget, so a bit of amnesia maybe isn't such a bad thing. Like this girl that once, err, did this... Err, thing, that like, totally fucked up my shit. I can't remember it now, but yeah, I'd like to forget that.

My girlfriend bought me this as an anniversary gift! Can you fucking believe it? She stood there giggling to herself as I opened it. She said it was a joke gift, but I found it about as funny as she found the physical violence that quickly followed. I watched it though, because I'm not a twat. Or maybe because I am a twat? I don't know. She kept looking at me at all the omg-that-is-so-cute bits, expecting an outpouring of emotion but not seeing a drop. Apparently I'm a cold hearted bastard, although, if she didn't know that already then maybe I'll have to persist in beating it into her.

This is as terrifying as the first. As soon as it finished I put every single light in my house on, because fuck the dark. It might be old school scare tactics but it just seems so real. I would put up with shit like this happening in my house for about 5 fucking seconds. Seriously, I'd be out the door and down the road before you could say 'boo', desperately hoping I'd not soiled myself in the process.

A teenage boy discovers that whilst daydreaming about a pretty girl in his class that he can unleash a white sticky substance from his insides. He then spends as much time as possible doing so. Something which every man can relate to, I think.

Just think how attached you are to your right hand. You probably use it to hold your mouse with, to masturbate with, and, if you're anything like me, to slap children in the face with. Sometimes, you may even do two of those at once! Anyway, what would you do if you got it trapped beneath an immovable boulder in the middle of nowhere? You'd have to stop crying like a bitch for a moment, compose yourself, and do something about it. Just how much would you be willing to sacrifice to stay alive?

I've never felt so hypnotised by a film before. The cinematography is absolutely stunning, and, along with the soundtrack, the colour, and the eroticism, the result is a spellbinding, technicolour masterpiece. Some parts probably could have been edited down, whilst others are just totally what-the-fuck. However, I enjoyed it, although, as with all Noé films, I can't help but feel that he does a fairly good job of alienating a huge number of viewers with his style.

Everyone has one uncle that's a total prick. Where I come from, we call him Uncle Nob'ead. You know the one that always turns up drunk at parties, and then somehow gets more drunk; so drunk, in fact, that he sleeps on the kitchen floor? Well that is a classic Uncle Nob'ead trick. It could be worse though, I suppose; he could invite you to his super-haunted house so that he can unleash a bunch of ghosts who've got nothing better to do than try to rip your souls out through your face.

This film did nearly as much for Hugh Grant's career as being caught with that hooker did. Without this film, or that hooker, he would barely be C list, never mind perched atop of the A list tree, looking down and laughing with his stupid smug grin on those dignity-intact, disease-free B listers.

Do you know how sometimes if you read a word a lot then it doesn't look right, or it doesn't make sense? Of course you do, we've all been there. In fact, if you read this site regularly then you probably get it with words like 'shit' and 'fuck'. Well that is called semantic satiation, and is a cognitive response to repetition. I suffer this tremendously when it comes to horror films, because they're all so the same, with the same shit jumpy scare tricks and the same shite storylines.

8 people are trying to get a job and are at the final stage of assessment. They are sat in a room and told that they have 80 minutes to complete an exam, but when they turn the paper over, it is totally blank, and no-one has a clue what to do. So in that sense, it's a bit like my Latin GCSE exam. It's a bit unrealistic though, because not a single person decides to doodle pictures of dicks on their paper, which would have certainly happened in real life.

George Clooney frowns his way through this performance as the most miserable character to ever have been in a film. He plays an assassin who seems fairly good at his job until his dick gets in the way, which is fairly often, as being George Clooney, he gets more ass than Beyoncé's toilet seat. The film itself is pretty bloody boring though.

The acquisition of nuclear weapons is all about one-upmanship, and every country has a right to ask the question, 'Why should that country be allowed to have them but we aren't?', and it's a fair point. But we're not just talking about having a hotter wife than your friend, or a better car than your neighbour, are we? This shit is serious. And what if a terrorist should get their hands on one? A nuclear bomb that is, not your hot wife. Either way, I think, things would get considerably messy.

This is based on a true story of a runaway train and the efforts involved to stop it. Obviously the true events wouldn't make an interesting enough film, so they beefed it up a bit, and then cast Denzel Washington as the badass train technician who takes it upon himself to prevent disaster, which, of course, makes it even better.

Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider? Sounds like a load of shit. To be honest, I only put this on so that I could tear it to pieces on here. However, it wasn't as bad as I expected. An old basketball coach has the common decency to die, just so that a group of mates can get back together for one last piss up in their home town. There's some good banter, Salma Hayek and her cleavage, and an amazing - and I mean, amazing - blonde.

I watched this the other day because I was tired and hungover and sat on my couch with my laptop. There really was nothing else on so I had no valid reason for asking my girlfriend to turn it off, other than the threat of physical violence, but I use that often enough as it is. She was keen to watch it, and I just couldn't be bothered getting off my arse to put a DVD on. It's a Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore Rom-Com about writing a love song together, which says it all really. It was as shit as I expected it would be.

I've never before seen death so beautifully choreographed before. Picture the most nimble dancer gracefully pirouetting to the most moving death symphony imaginable. Now put a deadly shiv in their hand and add bucketfulls of blood. This is something like that. With a name like Ninja Assassin it sounds like some really bad Sega Master System game that you picked up for Ł2 in a bargain bucket back in '91, but it's actually good. And like all good games, the end level boss is ridiculously hard.

I had 3 options this year on Christmas Eve: the usual 8 hour drinking session, followed by a stumble home and possibly vomiting in my bed; going to my parents house for dinner; or staying at home, alone, and crying myself to sleep. I decided to have dinner with my parents and my sister, and afterwards we decided to watch Scrooged, because that, for me, just makes Christmas. It is the best Christmas film ever made, and for a brief moment I actually felt the warm glow of childhood once again.

I enjoyed this. It's a bit like a modern day Point Break, but Ben Affleck obviously scores much lower on the Cool Scale than Patrick Swayze. It has all the elements of a good heist film; elaborate plans, car chases, gun battles and explosions. They probably should have got a nicer looking lead woman though, because to make some badass bank robber go weak at the knees should require something a little bit special.

This is a film about a hit man that goes around murdering the shit out of people from the back of a cab, because public transport is for fags. Some people hate cab drivers, but I always get on with them quite well. Apart from that one guy that wouldn't stop shouting at me. It really is amazing the amount of vomit that can be produced after 10 pints of lager, 5 shots of Jager, and a donar kebab and chips.

This is about a guy and a girl and the struggles they endure during their long distance relationship. I watched it with my girlfriend, thinking we'd be able to relate to it, because she is half-way through a year studying in Spain, and to a degree we could. However, I struggle to relate to Justin Long, because he's a little gay-haired girly-boy that needs putting on an extensive course of testosterone, mancetamol and beatings to cure his faggy ways. Apart from that though, it was as entertaining as you'd expect a Drew Barrymore Rom-Com to be.

This is about a bunch of blokes that are far too cool to work a nine to five, so instead they have to rob banks to fund their lavish lifestyle of women, booze and fancy suits. It's been done a million and one times before and climaxes with an inevitable shoot-out. It also has a bunch of hip-hoppers in it too, like Chris Brown, who obviously found time out from his grueling women-beating schedule to film it.

I enjoy watching this film nearly as much as I enjoy beating on my wife... I'm only kidding; she's not really my wife. Why the hell would I marry her? Bitch never does as she's told... Just kidding again; I don't beat on her. How could I? She's just a child... Oh I'm kidding again; she's not really a child, she just looks that way because of her special needs... OK OK, she doesn't have special needs... Seriously though, she is a bitch.

How good can a film be about a guy in a box? Surprisingly entertaining actually. Although, they do cheat a bit and give him a mobile phone, and he tries various methods of informing people of his predicament, although one of them, surprisingly, isn't to change his Facebook status to I'm in a box LOL". As you can imagine there are a couple of as-if moments and it does get a little tedious towards the end as the man-in-a-box storyline fails to stretch to its full feature length."

A guy with a severe case of battle stress returns from Kosovo and decides to go hunting in the woods. Except, he's not hunting animals. Because he's such a threat the FBI decide to bring in a bear-wrestling naturalist in the shape of Tommy Lee Jones to track him down. And not just any Tommy Lee Jones, but a bearded one, so he clearly means business. It's a classic example of master vs pupil.

Before you ask, no, this isn't a porno. It's about some good willed bloke desperately trying to remind the folk of New York City that using public transport after dark can be dangerous. Pro tip: If you're ever on a train late at night and the lights do that scary flickery shit, do you absolute utmost to get off at, or before, the next station.

This film is about why jocks and cheerleaders are utter pricks. Some little high school turd with the perfect life decides to ditch beer pong and making sex with hotties to get involved with a group of bible bashers after he questions his choices in life following a suicide in his school. It's a load of shit. I did watch it on one of those religion free DVD players though, which might be why I didn't enjoy it. I suggest you avoid it at all costs.

Just another film whereby some ubernerd gets a uberfit hotty to make sexy time with. It's just so unrealistic. Michael Cera has got about as much charm as Steven Hawking. In fact, even less than so, because at least Stephen Hawking has got that cool robot voice thing going on. Babes must definitely find that a turn on. Anyway, this is a bit like Mortal Kombat with a love story. I know it's supposed to be daft, but I didn't enjoy it. These nerdy action films aren't really my thing though.

You could paint the fucking Forth Bridge in the time it takes this film to drag from start to finish. There are splatterings of Gladiator, of course, as well as Troy, and even 300, but it does a pretty miserable job of trying to be all three. Put it this way, if there was a celebrity deathmatch between Robin Hood, Maximus, Achilles, and King Leonidis, then Robin Hood would be macho'd to death within about four seconds. The ensuing battle would be pretty awesome, and, inevitably, Maximus would win.

This is a documentary about a guy that befriends a girl on the Internet because of her artwork, and the subsequent relationship that he builds with her family. But as things start to get a little weird he travels hundreds of miles to surprise them with a visit. Truth really is stranger than fiction. The guy the documentary is about deserves a medal for the way he deals with it.

This film tries to be clever but never actually goes anywhere. I do have to give credit where credit is due though, so bravo to the costume designer, because putting Melissa George in a low cut top is a fantastic idea.

I love gory films. If you asked me what two types of films are the most gory, I'd say zombie films and French films, so imagine my delight when I heard that there was a French zombie film. That's like gore²! Awesome. However, this film is more of a disappointment than that time I cast a love spell on that girl in my class and, for some reason, it totally didn't work. I put so much effort into it too, and my neighbour still hasn't forgiven me for killing her puppy.

A follow on from <a href='film/633'>this documentary</a> about the slaying of three children, does offer more evidence, but only to support the reasons why the accused did not commit the crime, not any suggesting why they did. Worth watching if you're going to watch the first one. It's sad to think that there could be innocent men still in jail today over this, and that the real killer, or killers, are free.

This is just another film detailing yet another battle in the saga of war between the police and the blacks. There's plenty of rappers, plenty of gunfire, plenty of drug talk, and plenty of disrespecting of bitches. If you enjoy films about the ancient feud between these two stereotyped tribes, then you'll probably enjoy this one too.

At some point in our lives, we've all gambled on a fart and lost. Well this is the film equivalent of that. I have nothing else to say, because when someone tells you that a film is as enjoyable as shitting in your pants, well, then there's nothing else to be said.

The idea for this film is ace. The police know when you're about to commit a crime and stop you before you have a chance. If this was real though, I can't help but think that the ever-racist poh-lice would abuse it slightly, "Sir, by mandate of the District of Washington Precrime Division, I'm placing you under arrest for the grand theft auto of that there vehicle." "Is this a joke? I'm the President of the United States, and 'that there vehicle' is Airforce One!" "I'm sorry, Mr Obama, but I don't make the rules. Get in the van."

I was told that this was the worst film of the year, but anything that involves Megan Fox dressed up as a slutty cowgirl deserves 80 minutes of my attention. Basically a cowboy era Timothy McVeigh decides to blow America to shit and the goverment employs Jonah Hex - a minigun-toting outlaw with a severe case of face aids and the ability to speak to the dead - to stop him, using, of course, bullets, attitude, and lots and lots of dynamite.

This film is about as much fun as it would be watching two teams from mentally handicapped schools competing in university challenge. Can you just imagine Paxman's disdain? He's an impatient bastard at the best of times, he'd probably try ramming the question cards up the arse of one of the mongs just to get the fuckin same'ead to stop clapping. I had to turn this off, because Elijah Wood is in it, and I can't stand his little cock sucking face.

So five people get stuck in a lift and it turns out that one or more of them is a total prick. I was stuck in a lift once, but it was all good, because the company I had was excellent. It was just me, telling myself jokes, the majority of which I'd never heard before. I was a bit disappointed when the lift was finally fixed and I got out, because it was the most I'd laughed in a long time.

I remember when I met my girlfriend; we locked eyes across a dance floor, and she did that playful thing where she looked away, then looked back again. And when she did, that was when I recognised it: the look of despair that I see staring back at me each morning in the mirror. She has to be the one, I thought. We clearly share a mutual misery that will bond us to one another for eternity. We're still together today, living a life of half truths and broken promises. That's how real relationships are, not the shit depicted in this film.

Fuckin' Tom Cruise and his crazy religion. Surely some of the rumours you hear about Scientology must be incorrect? I read one the other day saying they control the Internet. Well that's just ridiculous, if they could control the Internet then why don't they block out everything bad said about them? For example, if I told you that ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ and they could control the Internet, then why don't they censor it?

A child goes missing from a Boston neighbourhood, and because the police have trouble finding her, what with all the time they spend eating doughnuts and being racist, the family of the girl decide to hire a private investigator, played by Casey Affleck, whose character is apparently as good at finding missing people as Pythagoras was at geometry. I may have enjoyed it more if I didn't think Casey Affleck was such a twat.

This is about the depressing life of a Chinese peasant, forced to leave their countryside home, and their children, to move to the industrial centres of China to make enough money to support their families. These parents work their little Chinese balls off in textile factories to pay for their kid's education, so that they may have a more promising future, but when the kids grow up they just resent their parents for not being in their lives enough. Although, on the bright side, it does mean that I can get 3 pairs of socks in Primark for Ł1.

Apparently some people think Adam Sandler is hilarious. Well, I'm afraid I disagree. I don't think he could locate my funny bone with a Sherpa and a detailed map. I can't remember a single time I laughed at his antics. His moron comedy just pisses me off. What's that? You find him funny? Well, I might be in the minority, but I don't care. In fact, fuck Adam Sandler and, more importantly, fuck you.

So George W. Bush is a twat. We all know that because modern media says so. In fact, he's got a worse reputation than Pontius Pilot. This films details his younger days when he was less about invading countries and murdering innocents, and more about drinking and womanising. So really, he's just like you and I, except, because of his rich daddy, he got a badass job that gave him the budget to really fuck with people's shit.

May 11th 2005 was one of the happiest days of my life, because I completed my final exam of the year, and with it completed my university degree. I was delighted. The sun was shining, the birds were singing; it was going to be a good day. Me and the lads from my course had a load - and I mean a load - of drinks and then went to the cinema to watch this film. I was in such a good mood that I was partly worried about chuckling myself into some sort of alcohol-induced merry laughalong, but it was just ok, and that says a lot about it.

Every male on the planet - well, those with a TV and an interest in boobs - has, at some point, pondered one of life's ultimate questions; who is better looking, Katy Perry or Zooey Deschanel? Well, this film answered that question for me, because as nice as Zooey Deschanel is, I wasn't consumed with the same sort of caveman urges watching it as I am watching a Katy Perry music video. So there, my friends, is your answer; Katy > Zooey.

A film from 25 years ago that is considered brilliant by many people which I had yet to see... So, I decided I'd watch it. And I did. And I hated it. It was all a bit too stupid for me. If someone had told me that it was basically a Sci-Fi Monty Python, then I may not have bothered. I'm into more mature types of films, ones that will challenge the brain a little. I turned it off after 40 minutes for something way more enjoyable: doodling cartoon dicks in MS Paint.

So someone shoots up a bunch of drinkin' folk in a bar one night and the cops do the only sensible thing: they find themselves a black guy to blame. It just so happens that the black guy they pin it on is boxing champion Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter, and an entirely white jury surprisingly find him guilty, although they do stop short of hanging him from a tree. It is excellent, and based on a true story, so well worth your time. Plus, Bob Dylan wrote a fucking brilliant song about it too.

The majority of a small town wake up on their period and decide that today be a good day for some murder. Then the army turn up and liberate the whole town, and by 'liberate' I mean blow to shit, killing pretty much everyone in the process. Because, you know, that is what they do best.

I'm a nice guy, but sit me down at a keyboard and unleash me on the Internet and I become a foul-mouthed women-hating racist with a penchant for dead baby jokes and dick humour. It's like the pull of the Internet attracts my moral compass towards south-south-twat. That's why I get so much tail. Anyway, this is another nice-guys-finish-last RomCom, although you need to be able to put up with Will Smith smug'ing your face off from start to finish.

Do you like sitting in bathrooms snorting cocaine? Oh, you do? Well you'll enjoy this then.

I never played the game, and thank God. I would have given it a lesser score but there's a guy with a 12 foot sword in it.

The idea behind this film is that anyone who commits suicide ends up in another world in which they live an equally depressing life where smiling is prohibited. Basically the moral of the story is that you should not kill yourself, because otherwise you'll just wake up in the morning to find out that you're Avram Grant.

I only watched this because I'd heard it was about a little child doing some fucked up things. However, I don't think they're that bad at all. I've seen videos of kids on the Internet doing stuff way more fucked up than this.

This will leave you feeling as depressed as Kirstie Alley feels every time she steps off the scales. It's about how shit life becomes when you grow up. Whether you're a housewife stuck at home with your prick kids, absent husband, and false friends, or a man working his fucking balls off to support his ungrateful prick kids and his bitch wife, living for that Friday night down the pub with his mates. Life is shit, then you die. What the fuck happened to the never ending summers, ball games in the park, and sticky fingers of your youth?

I remember one time when this ex-girlfriend of mine was going on at me. She was upset about something or other and started crying and shit. Then she sobbed, "you could at least pretend to be interested in my life sometimes", to which I instantly replied, "What do you mean? I do pretend to be interested in your life!" That didn't go down well, and she called me a 'heartless bastard' and left. This film, like that relationship, started off alright, but went dramatically down hill.

I love Ed Norton, so once I found out he was in this, I wanted to see it. Then I found out Ed Norton was in it, and I just had to see it. Wait, what? Ed Norton plays two characters, maybe because they ran out of budget or something? Or because he plays twin brothers? That's more feasible. It was alright, although I still think that if you want to make a film about twins you should use genuine real-life twins, like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

This film is about how the legal system is floored, and how the punishment rarely matches the crime. Yeah it's been done before; Law Abiding Citizen probably pulled it off best, but everyone enjoys seeing normal folk getting their hands dirty and going all vigilante. This is pretty average, though, and that fake Action-Man-looking bellend from Desperate Housewives is in it.

Watching this film is about as much fun as it would be watching your parents dogging. Seriously, fuck Will Ferrel.

This is the film that first made me realise that Madonna is just Willem Dafoe in a wig, and once you see it, you'll know what I mean. It represents the closest thing you can get to superheroes in real life, and whilst it's a good idea, I'm not too keen on the execution. Basically some Irish guys go around Boston killing anyone they consider evil, so in that sense it's just like the IRA's bombing campaign of the 70s and 80s, just with more gun-toting men in drag.

This film is a bit like posting fabricated news on your facebook status telling people that someone you used to go to school with has died. As much fun as that is - and believe me, it totally is - it's more than a little wrong. Just because someone isn't on facebook doesn't mean you should spread morbid rumours about them. It just means they're fucking losers, that's all.

If there's one thing I can't fucking stand more than anything else it's girls that wear underwear out in town and then expect you not to stare. Second only to that is when you get people trying to put on a Scouse accent and getting it horrifyingly wrong, which is common in this film. It is the story of a young John Lennon and serves well as a prequel to Backbeat, which is the best Beatles film I've seen.

This is about the boredom of dating in long-term relationships and how couples feel the need to continue to do it out of some sort of misplaced tradition. Neither of you actually want to go out for a meal, do you? Why don't you just stay at home fighting over the TV remote and letting the contempt you feel for each other grow? If the kids are asleep you might even get lucky, although I'm not so sure what is lucky about 3 minutes of putting your dick into the plain, obese shell of the girl you once foolishly thought you cared for.

This is another over-the-top action flick where Tom Cruise is a super-agent nice guy that single-handedly saves the lives of innocents whilst simultaneously kung-fuing terrorists to death and making any female within a half mile radius salivate. It's just a bit daft for me though. At least he doesn't spend too long doing his copyrighted intense stare whilst whispering, although there's plenty of his other reknown party trick: smiling your face off with that outrageous Hollywood grin.

The girl who played Carol Anne in this film sort of did a Macaulay Culkin, but instead of disappearing into a seedy world of drugs, she chose the more hardcore route of obscurity; death... Yeah, she died. Like really fucking died, and she was only 12, apparently because this film was cursed! When you consider that, this film gets hella more scary. Two things about this film are ace; the face ripping scene and Tangina.

Machete is old school; he prefers big knives to guns and he doesn't text. He just stabs your fucking face off. I love Mexican women, Robert Rodriguez films, Jessica Alba's arse, and one-handed beheadings, so I enjoyed this. At one point, about half way through, I was having so much fun that I was tempted to go and grab a the biggest knife I could find from my kitchen and butcher my girlfriend to death. He just made mercilessly killing people look so much fun! It does go downhill a bit towards the end, though.

If this film is to be believed then it's no wonder that America got owned in Vietnam; they were obviously too busy shooting each other to bother killing any gooks. I used to like this when I was a kid, but soldiers running around jungles has just been done to death now, and I don't really consider this anything other than another average war film, but war films ain´t my bag, baby.

This is Michael Moore's take on why capitalism is evil, and why the big guys alway get away with trodding on the little guys. If you enjoy listening to an obese bearded cap-wearing wino annoying people with proper jobs, then you might enjoy this.

In the last 10 years or so of his life I, like many other people, had assumed that Michael Jackson was a pale, frail, old, weird, mentally troubled, sexual deviant that probably had his fingers is one too many pies. And by pies, I mean kids. But having seen this film documenting the preparation of these shows, well, fucking hell, they would have been spectacular. And did he still have it? He's Michael Fucking Jackson, of course he did.

This straight to video crčme de la merde is basically a bunch of nobodies trying to foolishly take on vampires using guns and randomly getting their throats ripped open. There is some decent gore and some fairly good deaths though.

This film is about how the sort of girls that self-harm also tend to be dirtier than a Joe Pesci monologue. Therefore, if you're into kinky sex, then find yourself a girl who is scarred up, because they have some serious daddy/punishment issues that need addresing on a day-to-day, fucked-up-beyond-belief basis.

I'm not that keen on James Bond, Daniel Craig, or casinos, so I wasn't exactly overcome by excitement at the prospect of this. However, I do like poker, and I also took a particular liking to Eva Green during the film, so I didn't think it was too bad in the end. Bond does get a bit gay over his girlfriend at the end, though, before the inevitable heart-crushing double-cross that only the woman you're in love with can deliver.

It's surprising that Jude Law has still got the time to make films after all the affairs he's been having recently. Not to mention all the children he's fathered wanting some daddy time. Fair play to him though, he is seeing Sienna Miller and, because she's not enough for a stallion like him, he went ahead and bonked the nanny too. What a fucking hero.

This film is as nearly disappointing as pouring yourself a bowl of cereal only to find that you've got no milk. The cast was fairly promising but it was a huge let down. And Michael Douglas is beginning to get on my nerves a bit. Maybe it's time he quit acting altogether, and instead stayed home drinking iced tea, munching on viagra and trying to have awkward sex with the gorgeous Catherine Zeta Jones.

Trying to enjoy films like these, which are so similar to Gladiator, must be akin to how an ex-boyfriend of Megan Fox's feels whilst he's trying to find himself a good looking girl to fall in love with. No matter how good it is, it just isn't going to compare, is it? Gladiator was just so fucking perfect that anything else will be inferior. It does have a solid British cast, though, and does a fairly good job of splashing the blood around.

I remember a while ago I'd gone a couple of days, for whatever reason, without having a shit. I don't recall why, but it must have been important, because shitting is right up there with eating on my priority list. Anyway, when I finally did unleash the hell of my insides I blocked the toilet. Seriously. We had to get a plumber and everything. That must have been one massive piece of shit. Not as big a piece of shit, however, as this film.

This is a film about Joseph Merrick and how he had ninety nine problems but a bitch ain't one, because being such an ugly bastard, he never got laid. It's also the best bit of proof - outside of picking up girls and Closer magazine - that the uglier you are the worse people treat you. It's in black and white and does have that exceedingly old feel about it, so if old films ain't your thing, then you're probably better giving it a miss.

This film has got multiple scenes of Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson in various stages of undress, including full blown sex (not with each other, unfortunately), although clever camera angles mean the real goodies remain hidden. Now that sounds awesome, but apart from one particularly brutal scene - which is so bad, in fact, that I actually had to stop masturbating for a minute or two - the film is a bit disappointing. Plus, I really don't like Casey Affleck.

This film rips off the A-Team more than Puff Daddy has ripped off 80s pop. And I mean that in the worst possible way. As similar as they are, watching the A-Team was like copping a feel of an ex-girlfriend behind the toilets during a class reunion, whereas, in comparison, watching this is more like going on a date with an overweight hypochondriac simply because she - thanks to her brown eyes and cleft lip - reminds you of a former love.

Someone told me that this film was an 'epic journey'. Well, it's not. You want to know about an epic journey? How about the journey taken by a single grain of rice, grown in a paddy field in the Middle Yangtze Region of China? It's hand milled, parboiled, talced, transported over thousands of miles of difficult terrain, boated across seas and flown in to factories. From there it's treated and bagged and eventually arrives in my kitchen, and ultimately, because I can't use a fork properly, it ends up on the floor. What a fucking waste.

I've got an idea for a film. It's about a hitchhiking psychopath that gets picked up on a lonely stretch of road late at night... I know, yeah. Awesome! But wait, it gets better. The person who picks him up is a picker-upper psychopath! And the whole film is just the two of them trying to out-psycho-stab the other! Actually, someone get me Hollywood on the phone.

We all know that Ray Winston is fairly adept at playing the hard Cockney geezer who will mentally pummel you down with verbal abuse before, inevitably, lashing out physically whilst spitting out the most colourful language. That's just what he does. He's been doing it for ages. And in all that time this is probably the most violent, the most abusive and the most cock-bollocks-shit-cunt that he's ever been. If you're into swearing or beating your girlfriend, then you'll like this.

This is a follow up to City of God, so if you enjoyed that then you'll probably enjoy this. Although not as much, because it's less hardcore, and fewer people die, therefore, it's not as entertaining. The main theme with this film is following in your father's footsteps, so if you've got daddy issues then you will be able to relate to it.

I love how the French are always making out in their films that they're a bunch of hard bastards that would beat you to death with a baguette for mentioning their battle cowardice, when, in truth, they do tend to be the first reaching for the white flag if there is a subtle mention of war. This is a bit like every other prison based film you've ever seen; gang politics, shivings, and yard confrontations, so in that sense there is some déjŕ vu, but without the usual Americanised bullshit that you get with the genre.

According to this film living in the ghettos of Rio is more dangerous than having unprotected sex with a Brazilian prostitute, which, as I'm sure you're aware, is extremely dangerous. I mean, you can catch some sort of contagious disease, like Herpes, or Down Syndrome or something. If you're into foreign films and/or gang warfare then you'll most likely enjoy this.

So you and your friends find a bag of money in the woods one day, what do you do? Well because you're all twats then obviously you fall out over it, and inevitably the idiot amongst you goes telling people all about it. I can gaurentee that if me and my friends found a bag full of money in the woods, we'd do our absolute best to spend as much of it as we could on drugs, booze and dancing girls, as soon as fucking possible. The rest of it we'd just squander.

Sitting through this entire film is sort of like cutting a steak with two spoons. What I mean is, it's really fucking difficult. It's like a horrible amalgamation of MTV Cribs and Tim Westwood's teenage years. All this 'yo, dawg' and shit coming from the mouths of rich white boys just doesn't sit well with me at all.

Trying to decide whether or not I should watch this film was like trying to decide whether or not I should sleep with my best friend's wife. I thought I would probably enjoy it, it seemed like a good idea at the time, and, if I could keep it a secret, then no-one would ever know. I mean, it's not like I'll ever be broadcasting it on the Internet or anything, is it?

I had to watch this film because my girlfriend wanted to. Would I have bothered normally? No. Did I end up regretting it? Of course. Was there a chance I'd get some sex because of it? Yes. In fact, it was a similar scenario to baggin' a fatty at the bar ten minutes before closing time. Except, of course, that my girlfriend doesn't leave crisps in the bed, or stink, like those fuckin' fatties do.

You shouldn't always believe everything that comes out of the mouth of a politician, which is one of those bits of advice that you wish you knew when you were 18. Along with how you should always put your socks on before your pants, and how all women are lying, scheming bitches. Texans are an untrustworthy bunch of warmongering inbreds at the best of times, so put one in government and you get someone that tells more lies, and does more damage, than parents who tell their kids that everything will turn out ok.

This is a documentary about a homosexual hustler who, after years of hedonistic drug taking, gay sex, S&M, and swapping diseases like Tiger Woods swaps girlfriends, realised that the life style was killing his fellow arsebandits. So he preached safe sex and less promiscuity to the whole community, and with it he probably saved numerous lives. But they didn't want to hear it, because they're all disgusting bastards.

Do you remember the shoe bomber, Richard Reid? And how we've all been subjected to having our shoes removed and checked at airport security gates ever since? Talk about closing the gate after the horse has bolted. And believe me, a bolting horse with bombs in it's shoes is one dangerous, cunning bastard. I just thank Allah that no-one has tried boarding a plane with a bomb stuck up their arse before, for both our sake and the horse's. This film is nothing to do with that though, so, err, forget I ever mentioned it.

So you go out, get drunk, meet someone, and then go back to one of your houses to get your fuck on, which, in my experience, is almost always a disappointment, for both of you. You then wake up in the morning regretting everything about last night, especially the bit where you forget to use a condom. And because you realise that they're a total loser, Sod's Law dictates that someone, often the woman, gets pregnant, and that's what this film is about. Next time, remember to glove up.

My girlfriend told me not to watch this because she said it sounded shit. I told her that means nothing, because she's from down south, and she sounds shit, but I still put up with her. Plus, what do women know about films? If Hugh Grant isn't in it then they aren't interested. I thought it was fairly average, but I've never beeing skiing, ergo I've never been in a ski lift, so I can't really relate to it. It is, however, a fairly good representation of Natural Selection.

This film reminds me of the time I spent a few days totally stalking the shit out of some girl who got on my morning train. That sure was a fun time. The information gathering phase went as planned, but the accidental-bumping-into-her-holding-her-favourite-book stage was less successful. I think the erection probably had something to do with that though.

I remember when I lost Ł60 gambling online in one day, and I thought I'd fucked up. Well back in 2001 these Enron fat cats lost their company $65m in the space of 4 weeks, and with it went 22,000 jobs. And did they care? Probably not, as they all walked away multi-millionaires. Or, at least, that was their plan. It's about greed, deceit, fraud and dosh. Lots and lots of dosh. And the majority of it was made on totally fabricated stock.

This film left me confused, nearly as confused as that time I was at that orgy, and everyone picked their partners, leaving just me and this middle-aged, overweight, bald guy. And he was all keen on some cock-to-cock combat! I grabbed my junk, my clothes and my pride - not necessarily in that order - and swept on out of there, mumbling apologies and avoiding eye contact.

Because Guy Richie's previous films were so good I was really looking forward to this, but it makes about as much sense as a Peter Gabriel music video. Therefore, I was as disappointed with this as Mulder was when Scully turned him down at the FBI Christmas Party in '99. Deciding to make this film was the second worst decision in Guy Richie's life, next to marrying that witch-faced Willem-Dafoe-lookalike, obviously.

This time Rocky takes on Clubber Lang, the most badass person to come out of the 'hood since Rosa Parks. Clubber demonstrates how he is the daddy of hand to face combat and knocks Rocky the fuck out. And with a cameo from Hulk Hogan this film is a proper celebration of the 80s.

This is a film about how a rich guy starts dating a whore who eventually becomes his girlfriend, which is fucking ironic, because the rest of us start dating a nice, normal girl who then turns into a whore who only ever gives us any sexual satisfaction because she wants something. You want a shag? Well she wants dinner at some expensive fucking restaurant. You want a blowjob? Well she wants a new kitchen table. Fucking whores, the lot of them. At least this guy knew what he was getting into from day one.

We all know the storyline to these films; if you fall asleep Freddy will come along with his Generation X Edward Scissorhands synthetic glove and stab you up, because sleeping is for loser. He's a tease though, so he lets you wake up the first two or three times, then he decides he's bored of you and the stabbing begins. The first few of these entertained me when I was seven, but that was twenty years ago, when ugly motherfuckers with knives for fingers would scare me. Now it's just shit.

A few years ago some crazy French bastard living in LA started following around graffiti artists, cataloguing their work and gaining their trust. Then he met Banksy, and Banksy totally flipped the script on him. The result was the unleashing of an eccentric French tornado into the Street Art world, and this film documents the fall out from it. If you're into Street Art, Banksy or mental French people, then you'll enjoy this.

Christina Ricci still looks like a fucking toffee apple, but one that I'd very much like to have sex with. And I don't even like toffee apples. One way to spoil a perfectly good apple is to put fucking toffee all over it. I've never been fond of Liam Neeson either. He's a grim faced prick that needs to cheer up a bit. And as you can tell from the title, this is about death, ghosts and all that overdone shite.

Global dimming is a massive problem worldwide, especially in Asia. The air in their industrial cities is getting more and more clogged up with shite, so they are getting less and less sun. Obviously the sun makes people happy - we know this because Science says so - therefore, the less of it you get, the more fucking miserable you become. This film is proof that the Koreans need to cheer the fuck up, and now they're giving the rest of the world the two finger salute and trying to drag us down into their gloomy pit of melancholy.

You would never have thought that fishing and sex would go hand in hand, but, apparently, in South Korea they do. Although that's hardly surprising, as we all know how these Asians love to mix it up. I hate fishing, but the chance of some fucky-fucky from some hot young whore might just be enough to tempt me into a weekend at the lake. And, like all good Korean films, there's some animal cruelty, a rape scene or two, and, inevitably, some fish hook gore.

If you're a miserable bastard like me that thinks the future of this planet is a depressing pit of despair for everyone unlucky enough to survive the apocalypse then you'll probably like this. Imagine The Matrix without the cool black guy, and then Sci-Fi the shit out of it, and you've got something resembling this film. I won't tell you that the bald prick from The Crystal Maze is in it, because that might put you off.

This is one of those films that you hear these film critics describe as 'beautiful' or 'moving' or whatever. It's about the magic of a child's imagination and the despair of a broken heart. And if that isn't enough to warn you off it, then chances are you're probably borderline homosexual. Err, I mean, chances are you'll probably enjoy it.

Some things are just meant to be; John and Yoko, bacon and eggs, 1970's rock and heroin. They're like the ultimate marriage. The yin to one another's yang. The same can be said for foreign films and sexual abuse, and this keeps up the tradition. It follows the basic someone-gone-done-died-but-who-gone-done-did-it storyline that we've all seen a million times before, but this does a pretty good job of it. And because it's foreign we all trick ourselves into thinking we enjoy it more than we would do normally.

This is about a bunch of pricks that have the nerve to show up to a party without having been sent a facebook event invitation or anything! Oh hold up, no it isn't. Sorry, my bad. It's about something entirely more shit than that; spirits. And I'm not talking about the type that you add to mixers. I'm more of a lager man myself, anyway, which might be why I thought this was entirely average.

Rocky Balboa is the worst role model to young boxers ever. He leads with his face and doesn't block punches. But it works for him, because he has a piece of iron where his face should be. Apollo Creed does his best Mohammed Ali impression and lands about four thousands punches in the first round alone and Rocky just takes it. The final round of the big fight is so good that I still get butterflies watching it, even though I know what's coming.

This is a documentary about the court case that followed the sexual assault and brutal murder of three children in Hicksville, USA, back in 1993. Basically everyone involved is a stereotypical religious inbred type. Was it a satanic ritual carried out by some teenagers, just someone passing through the town, or something much, much closer to home? It's not particularly well made, though. I would have liked to have been shown more of the evidence.

I heard that this was like Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, and that was half right; there certainly was plenty of loathing. It just tries far, far too hard to be an all action and in your face view of the life of a druggy.... It would certainly make a bit more sense if you're watching it whilst off your tits on crystal meth. About half way through I could feel my inner Lemming coming out and briefly considered killing myself to avoid having to sit through the rest of it. So instead I just turned it off.

This documentary is about how gun crazy Americans are and why that might be. Basically it boils down to fear, but then again, what about life isn't about fear? He also looks into the cause for gun violence, especially by the young, and whether we should be blaming video games, America's foreign policy, or Marilyn Manson. He even hints at racism, because apparently nothing brings black and white people together like gun crime.

Why do a film about the life of Hunter S. Thompson, I hear you ask? Well firstly, he was an exceptional writer with an interesting life, and secondly, because he's too dead to give a shit. And there you have it. Plus, someone managed to talk Johnny Depp into doing the voice-over, and that's an opportunity that can't be missed.

If you're male then at the age of 12 you will have had one friend that claimed to know more about sex than Peter North. He probably claimed that he'd done everything there was to be done sexually, plus a couple of other disgusting things that he'd totally made up. He made you believe that what a woman had between her legs was a magic kingdom, and you finally realised why Mario tried so hard to save the Princess. Well this film is about the opposite of that, and also, it's pretty shit.

Two geneticists are splicing together genes to create creatures that look like a 3 foot cross between a maggot and a penis, and studying them. And why did they do this? Because Science, that's why. After a funding issue they go a step further and use human DNA to create something that looks like a hairless, armless Chernobyl rodent that quickly evolves into a bit of a dick. It's alright like, I probably won't be watching it again, though.

Do you remember back in school when you used to wrestle with your friends in a totally non-gay way? And that one time that your totally non-gay bestest of friends accidentally brushed your arsehole with a finger as he tried a suplex? And how it was a really pleasant surprise, in a totally non-gay way? No? Oh. You so missed out. Anyway, that's how I felt during this film, because I was expecting it to be a piece of shit, but it was quite amusing. It is a spoof though, so take that into account.

This is a documentary about humankind, farming, food production, overpopulation, energy and global warming, and what we need to do to preserve our planet. We have been spitting in the face of nature for too long, and history books of the future will say so. Well, they will do if there's any trees left to make the paper to print them on by then, or even anyone around to read them! Some of the aerial footage is excellent, but I found the lady doing the voice-over to be pretty annoying.

I went to university with this one lad, he thought he was cooler than cool. He used to prance around in his skinny jeans with his ridiculous hair, his thick frame glasses and his numerous wristbands, with his v-neck sweater on saying words like 'moi' and speaking in third person. He was doing some pointless degree in art, and was in-your-face homosexual. You must know the type. Well, he would love this film, so if it sounds to you like he was a bit of cock, then you'll probably dislike this as much as I did.

This is a film that tries to show how the story of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code is actually factual. Ahaha. What the fuck, right? We can't even blame Dan Brown for coming up for this nonsense either, he just stole it from another book. Well this is a documentary where the guys that wrote that book claim that their shit was totally thieved, which it was, but so what.

I remember once I had to go to a beach to get some samples of plants for a Science project I was doing at school. It was cold and raining, so my dad and I got the samples and left as quickly as we could. As we drove off our car got stuck in the sand and we had to wait for a tractor to come and pull us out. I remember thinking at the time, "what a shit way to spend your Sunday morning". I thought something similar whilst watching this film, which is a shame because I really like Mark Ruffalo.

Anything that involves a T-Rex threatening to eat your shit right up is going to be entertaining, isn't it? This was the first film to really ram CGI all up in our faces, because apparently, as ridiculous as it sounds, they couldn't find themselves any decent dinosaurs to play the parts. I'm sure if they were really keen they could have asked Japan to whisk them up something in a lab, but no, CGI was the future, and they wern't wrong about that. The kids are pretty annoying though, I would have preferred if they'd have been killed.

Someone told me that this film was good. But then again, that same tit had Biggie's Big Booty Hoes as the first dance song at his wedding reception. You just don't get any more romantic than, "I got a bitch that suck my dick 'til I nut, spit it on my gut and slurp that shit back up", do you? I wasn't there, thank God, but I imagine that didn't go down too well with grandma. If you were into Notorious B.I.G. then you will probably enjoy this though.

This film will motivate you to learn jujitsu about as much as those ridiculous team-building days will motivate you to work harder. Working on complex fictional problems with a group of colleagues will not help you bond with them, it'll just confirm to you how much of a twat Dave from Accounts is, thus, if anything, making you less likely to sort out that password problem he's having, and more likely to fuck with his spam filter to ensure that those penis enlargement emails keep getting to his inbox.

This film is about that skinny, nerdy kid that you used to bully at school, and how as a skinny, nerdy adult he considers getting back at society by shooting the shit out of his work place. Don't get me wrong, I hate my co-workers as much as the next man, but I would never shoot the place up. Although, there's one or two in my office that I'm pretty sure are one dirty mug short of going postal.

This film provides a glimpse into the world of the working-class youth cluture of Britain where having an ASBO, owning a gun, and having taken another person's life carries more status than anything else. A bit more vigilanteism against these sort of pricks is just what this country needs, because they terrorise people and ruin lives, and the police often do sod all about it. It is fairly grim, though, so unless you're in the mood for some pessimistic thoughts then I'd give it a miss.

This is a film about self-discovery and learning through experiences, and had a pretty big effect on me when I watched it as a teenager. It's about a young man who is raised in an orphanage to be a doctor, but, when he is old enough, he decides to leave medicine behind to learn about the world and his place in it. It actually made me consider leaving my life behind to go and work in an apple orchard, but alas, I didn't, and look at me now: working a 9-5 and making penis jokes on a film review website.

This film was the shit when I was a kid during the 80s, and John Rambo was the kind of person you imagine your dad would be if you ever got lost during one of those quality camping weekends in Wales. It's lost some of it's magic now though, as have, coincidentally, camping trips to Wales. This film did do something right, however, because it was the inspiration behind Predator. Honest. When deciding how you could follow this up someone suggested only an alien could take on Rambo in the jungle. And voilá, the idea for Predator was born.

So John Rambo is back in Vietnam and this time he is sent in to a POW camp to do a surveillance mission, which - if you know anything about Rambo you will know - is like leaving a fat kid unsupervised in a sweet shop. Never before had anyone blown up so many yellow people in such fascinating fashion. Not only did he do it all alone, but he did it with exploding arrows! And his 80s, blow dried, hairdresser do remains beautifully precise throughout, too.

This isn't even really a war film, it's more of a film about the struggle of an individual and his acquiescence. As a soldier he has to follow orders, but are those orders right? It's a proper journey this, and it will leave you pondering just how much of a crazy world the Vietnam war was. It is on for a while though, especially the Redux version, which has pointless added extra scenes, so I suggest you watch the original.

The girl in this represents the Horror Film Female Role stereotype pretty well; really good looking but more than a bit dozy. You know the type of girl I mean, one that needs her brain fuckstarting each morning just in order to function, and I'd be front of the queue for that particular job, if you know what I mean. In fact, she's about the only reason worth watching it.

I was seeing this girl a while ago, and for some reason she used to make up stories about me and tell her friends whilst I'm stood right there. I had to nod and smile like a total and utter prat. Mike this, Mike that. "Mike used to live in France", "Mike doesn't ever wear green", "Mike hasn't got a massive cock". Nothing but fiction, pure and simple. And that's women for you. They make shit up to sound interesting. And not only do they lie, but they're untrustworthy, too, and that's what this film is about.

There is so much branding in this that it's like a two hour commercial with loads of explosions; Audi, Dr Pepper, and Oracle all get involved. Probably worth it though, because if Tony Stark is using your latest shit then people are going to assume it's awesome. I think there is a little too much time spent on character development, because, obviously, there's going to be any number of sequels, so they're building the characters as they go. It felt more like a prelude to those films rather than a film in its own right.

This film will inspire you to go time traveling about as much as smoking weed will inspire you to clear out the loft. And we all know that weed doesn't inspire you to do anything. Except smoking more weed, eating, giggling, and eating some more. Within about 3 minutes of this film you've took a dislike to every character in it, and as you struggle through it the contempt continues to grow.

I played chess against this old guy once. He distracted me with his experiences. It was all back-in-my-day-this and Vietnam-that, until - before I'd even realised it - he had me in checkmate. He sat there, chatting shit, noting my strategies, figuring out my game, all the while going on and on about his life, tricking me into thinking he was too occupied with entertaining, whilst he secretly planned my destruction. This guy was a master. I had no choice, I took my beating, and walked away a better man for it. This film is a bit like that.

So according to this film Russia has thousands of spies integrated into the West, readying themselves for Day X. It made me wonder if anyone I know might be a Russian spy. I came up with 3 possibilities: my mate, Mark; my girlfriend, Claire; or my next door neighbour, Admiral Cloakanddaggerov. I'm going to keep an eye on all three, just in case. You'll find yourself muttering plenty of 'as if's and 'why is he/she doing that's during this film, but it's entertaining enough.

I read recently about a young couple that went into a pharmacy to complain about their birth control pills failing. Apparently they made the wife sick so the husband took them instead, and surprise surprise, she got pregnant. This is clearly a sign that humans are getting stupider, or maybe just the stupid ones are mating beyond previous levels. This film is another clear sign that Hollywood has recognised this fact and dumbed down every bit of shit they produce.

What is AIDS? Is it as widespread as we believe? Why does it mean one thing in Europe and one thing in Africa? Will it ever be cured? Does HIV even cause it? Do the drugs do more harm than good? Scientists disagrees on nearly everything to do with AIDS, except that it was put on earth by God to kill off all the gays; that we all agree on. But now we're all in danger because those filthy bastards couldn't keep it to themselves.

If you're a bloke you simply have to watch this film if you want to keep your membership of the Man Clan intact. If you've not seen it then you're giving your mates ample ammunition with which to launch a full scale assault on your sexuality. And you know what your mates are like; they don't know the meaning of overdoing a joke. Coming up with different and interesting ways of suggesting that you're into dick is among their top priorities.

If I had to pick between watching this film again, or watching one of these celebrity reality TV dancing shows, then, well, I'd have to fucking kill myself.

Like a really enjoyable meal, this film starts off well before just going to shit. Too many films have a fairly interesting story before they need to explain themselves, and then they all just become a case of oh-an-evil-spirit-gone-done-it. Oh did it now? Well whoopy shit.

This film is about a guy writing the politic memoirs of a former Prime Minister of Britain. Sounds boring doesn't it? Well, it is. I'd rather read some actual politic memoirs than watch this again, and not just any memoirs, but ones from some really boring prick, like John Major. Actually, he was a bit of pimp, wasn't he? How about Tont Blair? Yeah, he's shit enough to use as an analogy. This is on far too long and the ending is tremendously bad.

Have you ever watched anyone eat a quartered orange? They stuff a massive piece of orange into their mouths, so much so that they can't even wrap their lips over it, and then they proceed to do crazy shit to it with their teeth. In fact, they look like they're having a stroke. It's rather entertaining. More so than this film, anyway.

Chev Chelios is back with a bang, literally. He runs around with an artificial heart, looking for his real heart - which has been removed from his chest - and the occasional power up. It's totally ridiculous, but that's the point. Like the first, it's wildly amusing, and one or two scenes - like the stun gun one - will have you crying with laughter.

At the time of release this film was famous for three things; the ball bearing explosion - which was extremely wow at the time, and is still pretty spectacular today - and Halle Berry's tits. Both of them. Oh yeah! Add to that a pretty exceptional cast and a fairly gripping storyline and you've got an entertaining film. However, it does rate an Ahahahahaha out of 10 on the As-If factor, which is fairly off the scale, even for Hollywood.

I used to want to be a cowboy when I was a kid. It seemed like the ultimate life; all that sitting around in saloons getting drunk and playing cards, riding round on horses, and occasionally shooting people. I even used to practice spinning the gun on my finger, so that when my time came I'd look like an ultimate badass. If today's generation of impressionable kids watched this film, I don't think they'd be as keen.

If being hard was a science, then Chev Chelios would have a PHD in that shit. And PHD would stand for Phucking Hard as, err, Dicks! What do you mean, that doesn't make sense? Fucking 'course it does. Go fuck yourself... Anyway, this film is so funny that every time I watch it my face aches for hours. And don't watch it with your girlfriend or wife, because they just won't fucking get it.

This is a documentary about the advertising industry and how it took off. I'm sure it's all very interesting if you're in the industry, but if you're not then listening to a bunch of old 'creative types' talk about how wonderful they are and how much money they've all made, then you'll probably get extremely bored, like I did.

If only Don Johnson were still alive today, he would give everyone associated with this a backhand smash to the face for bringing his baby into disrepute. He would ju... What's that? Don Johnson isn't dead? Oh right. Well shit, where's he been all this time then? He needs to man up and tell everyone how pissed off he is that the good name of Miami Vice has been tarnished.

This is a film about existentialism, which I'm sure most people can relate to. We've all at one point thought, 'what am I doing with my life?', 'how did I get here?', 'what the hell do I do now?' It's also about friendship, loyalty and how much trouble women can be. It is deeper than the Mariana Trench.

Kids don't pay attention at school anymore, so their grasp of history is often weak, at best. For example, most probably don't even know that John Rambo singlehandedly prevented the Soviets from starting World War III using just a red bandana, a bow and arrow and his massive fucking balls. Well more fool them! This film? Oh yeah, it's crap.

Boredom can kill. It's been proven, with Science and shit. So unless you want to die a very slow and painful death, then don't bother with this. Plus, Björk plays the lead role and she always was a whinging bitch.

Actors are a truly special breed of human. All you have to do is provide them with endless sex and enough cocaine to kill an entire stable of Colombian horses, and they will give you pure cinematic brilliance. Well, a few will. The majority of them don't even manage that once during their careers, and Adam Sandler is one of them. He totally spoils this film.

This is basically a feature length episode of 24, just without Jack Bauer. An American guy goes all Timothy McVeigh and plants 3 nuclear bombs across the country. He is caught and interrogated about the whereabouts of the bombs by Carrie-Anne Moss and Samuel L. Jackson, who decide to use the Good Cop / Badass Motherfucker Cop routine. Of course, because it's Hollywood, they take what happened at Abu Ghraib and crank that shit right up.

Some time ago a woman tried, literally, to tongue me to death. She didn't say shit, she just sort of awkwardly fell into me, pulled me close, and thrust her tongue into my mouth. Being young, drunk and full of spunk, I thought it was brilliant. Well, intially I did. Until it became uncomfortable, as her tongue forcibly probed my mouth. And that's what this film is like. It starts off promising, but when you realise that you're being taken for a bit of a face-rape, you lose interest.

This guy travels around the world asking all sorts of folk what they think God is. Is He this, is He that, is He a vengeful prick? You get the idea. It does a fairly good job of allowing the viewer to come to their own conclusions, but we all know that God is an idea, not a thing. If you believe that God is a man with a beard, sat on a cloud, making a Godzillion decisions every second about each of our lives, then you're both ignorant and gullible.

So Tom Hanks gets the bad AIDS, becomes visibly ill, and then gets fired, for something unrelated. He sues his company accusing them of discrimination, and because he's a homosexual, and a lawyer, he - not yet feeling enough of a minority - hires a black man to defend himself. Enter Denzel Washington, with a power 'tache. I found myself hoping he'd win the case as the film progresses, which is strange, because these queers fuckin' disgust me.

Clive Owen is such a shit actor. He just shouldn't be one. End of. I don't know what sort of job he should have but it should almost certainly involve him touching shit with his hands.

This film reminds me a lot of Lost. No, it's not based on a desert island, and no, there's no hunky doctor going around healing people. However, it does start out great before getting shitter and shitter, until it finalés with a big fuck you.

This film cost about a oh-my-fucking-God-you-must-be-joking-illion pounds to make, and it's not all that great. Two or three scenes are pretty entertaining - you know, the big disaster ones - but apart from that there's not much else to say. Plus, you have to deal with Nicolas Cage's annoying fucking face throughout.

Someone told me this was a bit like Equillibrium, and I love Equillibrium so I thought this would be pretty good. Well, it's about as similar to Equillibrium as having an erection is to being in love. So yeah, nothing like it. Charlize Theron wearing PVC is mildly entertaining, though, and is the reason for aforementioned erection.

People don't read anymore. In fact, I've been called 'weird' in the past for bringing a book to a party. I know, right? Fuck them. Anyway, like I was saying, because no-one reads anymore good books are being dumbed down into easily digestible forms of idiot eye-pap for the majority, and that, my friends, angers me considerably. And this film is another in a long list of let downs.

I went to see this film as a first date with an ex-girlfriend. Well, it wasn't exactly our first date; it was the first time we'd gone out somewhere though. The time previous to that, when we met, we'd spent all night sticking our tongues down each other's throats in a dark club. I thought it was ok, she thought it was shit, but she was a fucking bitch. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last very long.

They say Will Smith gets all the best black roles, but brother just ain't black enough for this one, aiiiigh. This is another film detailing just how shit life is if you're unfortunate enough to be both black and born in Africa. The shit that happens just so that men of the West can appease their women by putting diamonds on their fingers... Ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

Four blokes go away for the weekend; drugs are taken, beer is drank, laughs are laughed, and there's some sex. Sounds like your average camping weekend, right? Except these blokes manage to gay it all up in a hot tub, and due to the excess gayness there is a rip in the Space-Time Continuum and they are dumped back to the gayest of times: the 80s. This is an average film, with an average cast, and some average laughs. Also, there's some gayness, of course.

I have a message for William Friedkin, the director of this film; eat shit, rot in hell, and fuck you. You owe me 2 hours of my life back, you cunt.

Do you know who Tamberlane The Great was? He was the ruler of Mongolia back in the 14th century and he was such a miserable bastard that if someone told him a joke that he'd already heard, he'd execute them. Fortunately it was a time before text messaging so it wasn't that often an occurance. I wish he was around today, overseeing Hollywood film releases, because then I wouldn't have to sit here watching the same shite storyline over and over, because the pricks responsible would be dead. This is one of the slightly better ones, though.

This is one of those split storyline films; a bit like Sliding Doors. One story is mildly entertaining, the other is about a man and his girlfriend deciding on whether to keep their baby and/or if they should tell anyone. Now, forgive me for asking, but so fucking what? All in all, with both storylines considered, this film is about as much use as a white crayon. It does have a really fit bird in it, though.

This is about an angry young man who dresses himself in a full body Kevlar suit, arms himself with explosives, combat artillery, and unlimited ammo, and then he just goes totally fucking Columbine. And it's brilliant. There's more death in this than there is during an eight hour gaming session on GTA.

They say a million monkeys sat in a room full of typewriters would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare, but those same million monkeys sat in that same room full of typewriters would never come up with a film script as bad as this. Nor would they dream up such a horrendous cast. This is really, really bad.

I yawned so much during this film that I nearly got a temporomandibular dislocation, which is just a posh way of saying I nearly fucked up my face, permanently. It was a bit like that scene from Mirrors, you know the one, where she rips her own fucking face apart? Except with less tearing and blood, but more motivation. What I'm saying is that this film is boring.

There are two types of people in this world, those that express their disdain using words, eloquently, and those that use exclamation points and foul language. I take a great disliking to people that do the latter, nearly as much as I dislike this film, because, dear audience, this film is fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!

The 80s was a magical time; all you needed to be cool was a pair of baggy pants, a crazy dance move or two, and some attitude. In fact, that'd make you a fucking hero. So imagine being able to travel through time in a suped-out DeLorean! Is that not the snow-capped summit of cool? And that's what Marty McFly was. He was, and still is, the fucking boy.

More like Who Drew Jessica Rabbit? Because whoever did somehow managed to make a cartoon character sexy. I know, it's outrageous to say, but it's true. I'm pretty sure she was the first animation to ever give me a hard on. Plus, she gave men the world over a fucked up animation fetish. And, of course, Japan took that fetish and ran with it, because some of the animated shit they've come up with since is just fucking disgusting.

This film is about kidnapping children, which, as we all know, is fucking hilarious. I'd probably kidnap one myself right now, you know, for a laugh, if I didn't hate kids so much. Throw in a bank robbery, a dash of blackmail, and some black market baby selling, and you've got yourself a comedy hit, apparently. I'm not too fond of it, to be honest, but I normally don't like stupid shit anyway, and this is a bit daft. Although, it is supposed to be like that.

The first time I saw this film I was about 11, and I wanted so much to be a teenager, because I believed it was all about eating burgers, smoking weed and having sex. Which, to some degree, is true. I wouldn't re-watch this now, as an adult, because I'd up regretting my wasted teenage years, sure that I'd not had as much sex as I should have. Although, to be fair, is there anyone who can look back on their life and be content that they had enough sex?

This is basically a 180 minute long episode of Dungeons & Dragons, just with fewer dungeons and more orks. As much as I loved Dungeons & Dragons, I do think this, like the others, drags a little. Of course, they CGI the shit out of everything, but you know what they say: old hobbits die hard. The battles, again - especially at Helms Deep - are outstanding.

This is like the ultimate 9 year old's film. Swords, magic, knights, elves, wizards, dragons, dwarves, bows and arrows, volcanoes, and all that good shit. It's enjoyable, right up until it ends. Or, rather, when it should end. The hour after that I enjoy considerably less. What I'm saying is, it's pretty good, but it's on too fucking long. And Samwise Gamgee is the man.

The cheeky bastards have basically thrown together all the deleted scenes from the original to try and make more money. This is pretty much identical to the first, and is a bit like flogging a dead cave-dweller. In fact, it's not a bit like that, it's exactly that. The only bit worth mentioning is that there is multiple scenes involving blunt force trauma to the face, which I do find entertaining.

Do you know what the #1 theme of this film is? No? Well let me tell you: It's racism. Why? Because you get multiple races of beings - that usually keep themselves to themselves - overcome their prejudices and form a fellowship to overcome the one undeniable evil in the world. The message is simple, if we all just learn to get along, despite our differences, we'll all be better off. Tremendous CGI, excellent battles and more stabbings than a London gang battle. It is on a fair while, though.

Kids are the impressionable sort; I should know, I used to be one. I played so much Sonic as a kid that I believed that if you stamped on a hedgehog hard enough it would shed it's coins. In reality you just end up with a smacked bum, a bloody mess on the patio, and years of horrific nightmares. Anyway, I also grew up believing that if I tried hard enough at school I could grow up to be a ghostbuster. And who knows? I'm still clinging to that dream. Maybe, one day.

This is a film about an autistic savant which was released long before autism, and Savant syndrome, were widely understood, so, of course, it blew the socks off everyone and cleaned up at the Oscars. Savants really do exist, managing all sorts of crazy genius; some can draw whole landscapes from memory, others can remember pi to the 2,000th decimal, and some just have a semi-automatic calculator for a brain. Dustin Hoffman does an excellent job of portraying one, arguably his best ever role.

I don't care what anyone says (because I'm a cunt like that), but The Goonies is the greatest childhood film ever. It's that simple, there's just no discussion. When you're 10 the idea of going on a quest to find long lost pirate gold is just the absolute shit. Well, it was in my day anyway. Nowadays 10 year olds are all about thieving cars, disrespecting their elders, and contributing to knife crime.

This film was supposed to be one of the greatest, and funniest, films in the history of, like, ever, but it's not. And that's just not on, because the cast is out-fucking-standing. It's apparently based on the true story of a special group of soldiers trained in psycological warfare, which means they fuck with your shit using only their brains.

This is a true story about the mafia in New York during the 70s and 80s, so as you can imagine there's plenty of mumbling, plenty of hugging, and plenty of saying 'fuck'. Donnie Brasco was an undercover FBI agent that had to worm his way into la Cosa Nostra in order to gather enough evidence to bring it down, and with with Johnny Depp and Al Pacino taking the lead roles, you know you're going to get your money's worth.

Ryan Bingham is the sort of man you wanted to be when you were 12; he flies around the country, wearing expensive suits, putting his dick in anything that moves, and destroying people's lives. But like Sun Tzu wrote in his book, The Art of War, 'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, is going to Bangkok.'

I heard that this film was so hilarious that it would tickle so many LOLS out of my funny bone that it'd literally ache for days. I didn't find it quite that funny, but it is amusing, because you can relate it. We've all been there, hungover, with very little idea about what happened the night before with just a stamp on our hand and a horrendous headache as clues. Definitely one to watch with your mates.

I enjoyed this film nearly as much as King Henry VIII enjoyed wedding buffets, and, like him, I'm already looking forward to experiencing it again. It is gripping throughout, beautifully elaborate and totally open to interpretation. It is extremely intricate at times, but it is so unique because not only will you marvel at its visuals and be astounded by its complexities, you will also leave the cinema pondering what exactly just happened. And the final scene is truly, truly spectacular.

This film is pretty scary. In fact, it's nearly as scary as that time someone forced me to hold their baby. I didn't want to hold the fucking thing; I hate babies! I just stood there, holding the little bastard, doing my absolute best to not drop it, sure that any moment now it would throw up all over me, whilst being silently judged by the mother.

I hate all these total dickheads that drive around in their suped up cars like they're the shit, and this film is one of the reasons for that. Another reason is because they think they're playing GTA on their playstations. And another reason is because, of course, they've got small dicks.

This film is a feast of manlyness with all the right mangredients to fill you right up; guns, helicopter chases, explosions and ass-kicking. Women of the world, you better run yourselves a scented bath, and get yourselves some hot chocolate and the latest copy of Cosmo, because the men are watching The A-Team, and you simply don't have enough testosterone to deal with that sort of shit. Brilliantly cast and doing exactly what it says on the tin, it should keep you both entertained and amused, if nothing else.

This is a film about health, body image, supplements, false idols and, ultimately, steroids. It details the length at which some people will go to in order to look how they want to look, and to be able to compete at the top level. Nearly everyone is on performance enhancing drugs, from athletes, to fighter pilots, students, musicians and porn stars, so just how bad are they? And how widespread is the problem?

This is about a guy from Kickassistan who goes around demonstrating his unique brand of Ninjitsu to anyone who gets in his way. And that's all you need to know, really.

Normally I'd go on about how fucked up these Asian films are, because they really know how to bring the crazy, but this is really slow in parts and, because it's on for a couple of hours, I did consider turning it off once or twice. Plus, it's difficult to tell what is exactly going on sometimes. However, there are two or three brutal scenes. I wouldn't ever re-watch it, though, and if you're not into Asian cinema then chances are you'd probably hate it.

This is a film about what happens if you accidentally kill someone. SPOILER ALERT: It fucks up your life reaaaal good. A man attacks an intruder at his house with a baseball bat and gets dumped into a prison full of boy-did-you-just-look-at-me-'cause-I-will-stab-you-in-the-face homies. As I'm sure you can imagine, violence is aplenty.

This film is about the sexual abuse of children, and how it can affect their lives. It is, obviously, rather grim, so it's not suitable for everyone.

Deciding to end your life is a pretty big decision. It's right up there with life's other big decisions, like deciding what you're going to study at university, and deciding what your facebook friend policy is going to be. This documentary looks into the lives of people that want to die, so much so that they find themselves at the Golden Gate Bridge, the #1 suicide spot in the whole world. It's pretty compelling stuff.

There can be no manlier activity than running around the jungle with your gun hunting a couple of man-eating lions. And not just that, but wearing a fucking cowboy hat while you're at it. That is exactly what Michael Douglas does in this film. Watching this won't just simply entertain you, it will literally grow hairs on your balls. Again, it's based on a true story, so next time you find yourself in a little Kenyan village, watch your back.

A shark is basically a big-ass stomach with rows and rows of teeth attached. They can eat you the fuck up, and they will given half a chance. This is based on the true story of an American couple that got left at the Great Barrier Reef whilst on a diving trip because someone fucked up the headcount. Good one, dick'ead. It does make you wonder, what the sharks-are-biting-my-toes-ing hell would you do in their situation?

This is a dramatisation of the true story of a young black kid from the ghetto that makes it through a tough upbringing into the NFL. If you believe in hope, kindness, happy endings and all that, then you'll probably enjoy this, although I just didn't find it all that gripping. I do have an aversion to cheesyness, though, and this is coated in the stinkiest type of Monterey Jack.

Basically back in the day people used to believe that there was some omnipotent beings living in the sky, looking down on the human race, and controlling their lives through fortune and, when necessary, penance. Ridiculous I know. As if people in today's world of science would believe any such thing! Aside from that, it's a quite enjoyable CGI-fest, to be honest. And there are a few changes to the original storyline, which you may find refreshing.

I own this on DVD, but only because it was in some sale for £2. In fact, it's still in it's plastic wrapping. I mean, come on, when was the last time you were browsing your DVD collection and thought to yourself, "you know what, I really feel like watching Deep Blue Sea"? Exactly. Never. Anything with sharks fucking with humans is entertaining, though.

I remember watching this because someone told me that Halle Berry and Penelope Cruz were in it. And they are. But fucking hell, they're disappointing. If you ever need proof of just how good Hollywood make-up artists are then just watch this film, because somehow they managed to make Penelope Cruz look like some sort of crystal meth head, and that takes some doing. It's scaryish in parts, but overall very disappointing.

This is a documentary about the slaughter of dolphins in Japan. The film makers want to raise awareness so that we, together, can stop the carnage, and I admire them for it. However, people are going to do what they always do. They're going to watch this, they're going to be disgusted by it, and they might even tell others about it, or feel sad for a day or two. But they won't do anything. Because it's quickly out of mind when we've all got our own problems to deal with.

I'm sick of these shitty films where some ubernerd, who can't even speak to a girl, manages to meet a super-sweet, interesting piece of teenage ass, who, inevitably, ends up putting out. That sort of shit doesn't happen. That's what the Internet is for. So these dweebs can whack off in between marathon sessions of World of Warcraft before crying themselves to sleep. And, to top it off, there are few people on earth that deserve a fucking good hiding as much as Michael Cera.

This film is about as good as your average masturbation joke, and your average masturbation joke is, as you know, wank. What I mean is, it's not great. It's just mmm-yeah, which is a couple of mm's short of shit, if you catch my drift. Apparently someone made up lies about there being Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq just so America could get over there and jack themselves some oil. Well shit, that's a shock. If you want to see a good American war film watch The Kingdom or Black Hawk Down.

There are more laughs to be had in this than there are kicks to the face in your average Chuck Norris film. And believe me, Chuck Norris likes kicking people in the fucking face. I put this on expecting some shitty romantic comedy, but I was proven wrong. Jason Segel just does a quality job of being pathetic. And Mila Kunis deserves a mention for being just so scrumptious.

If you're into drinking, football and violence, like most blokes, then you'll enjoy this. It is the original football hooligan film, and easily the best. And, of course, it's British, because nowhere else has hooligans like we do, and if you disagree then meet me down the local with your boys, and we'll faackin' show you.

Fuckin' mad film this. It's about Charles Bronson, the British prisoner, not the American actor. It does a pretty good job of showing just how mental he is, although by doing so it tells the story in a bit of an odd way. He is Britain's longest serving, most expensive, most violent, and most infamous prisoner. He loves to shout, loves to to fight and loves to say 'cunt', so in that sense he's just like you and I. Tom Hardy plays the part excellently, too.

This is based on the real events of the covert discussions that took place to bring an end to the Apartheid in South Africa. The film is a little rushed, though, so it struggles to hold your attention.

This film taught an exceedingly white, teenage me everything I needed to know about being black and growing up in the 'hood. Not that cash-money-bitches shit that was, and still is, sprouted from all those rappers. It's basically Chris Tucker and Ice Cube interacting with neighbors, friends, and drug dealers, and trying to out-black each other in the process. There are some quality laughs in this, especially from Tucker, who is just outstanding.

If you're a fan of the original then you're going to watch this, regardless of what you hear about it. I loved Predator and I enjoyed this. It's about some Predators dropping a bunch of soldiers into an unknown jungle and then hunting the shit out of them. How can any Predator fan not enjoy that? I don't think Adrien Brody was the right choice, though. He's obviously concerned about being typecast as the faggy quiet dude, but when you are a faggy quiet dude, that's not such a bad career choice.

Aren't traffic jams an absolute twat? At least when you're stuck in a huge 'jam you can signify your displeasure by beeping your horn, sticking your head out the window, or the ultimate in I'm-fucking-pissed-off-with-this-shit traffic jam etiquette, get out of your car and look down the road. I couldn't do any of these things whilst watching this, and it was easily as bad, if not worse, than any traffic jam I've ever found myself in.

This will probably put you off eating meat forever. Or at least until you're next in the supermarket, or when someone suggests some fast food, and you slip right back into it. Nearly everyone does it. This film details the horrendous treatment of animals by humans, using horrible footage to drive home the point. And although we may not be the direct perpetrators, we are just as guilty. It's exceedingly spiritual at parts, but still, you'll come away from this with a great disdain for our species.

This is definitely a grown up film. I don't mean that there's lots of flesh, sexing and profanity. I mean that there's lots of financial mumbo jumbo that is tough to understand as an adult, nevermind as a child. So when I watched this back in the day I didn't really get it. And you know what, I still don't enjoy it much now. A couple of Gordan Gekko's monologues are excellent, but that's about it. I watch films to be inspired, invigorated, or, at least, entertained. I don't want a maths lesson.

This is the film adaptation of the book of the same name which details the real-life story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, the editor of fashion magazine Elle. Bauby suffered a massive stroke, aged 43, and had to endure the extremely rare condition known as locked-in syndrome, whereby his mind remained functional but his entire body was paralysed. He wrote the book using a form of translation in which a transcriber 'translated' blinks into letters and ultimately, words.

This is a film about shitting on your doorstep and why it's a particularly bad idea. Two brothers need cash and they decide to rob a suburban jewellery store to get it. You won't be surprised to hear that Philip Seymour Hoffman is outstanding, again. Nor that Marisa Tomei plays the role of a super-fit, mid 40's woman, again. This is a very real story about ordinary, hard working, desperate people taking a huge risk for financial gain. The timeline jumping is a little annoying, though.

When I was 12 I couldn't wait to grow up. I used to walk to school with my mate talking about going out, picking up girls, touching their boobs and putting my tongue in their mouths. That was like the ultimate goal. It was another 2 or 3 years before I knew about all the other disgusting shit they would let you do to them. Anyway, in this film Josh Baskin wants the same thing: to grow up. And he gets his wish. But how will he cope with it and what will he learn?

Back in the summer of 1994 the eyes of the world were on the USA, watching the World Cup and seeing OJ Simpson flee from police in his white Ford Bronco. Meanwhile, in Rwanda, tens of thousands of people were being slaughtered every day. Romeo Dallaire was sent in to Rwanda to lead the UN troops in a peacekeeping mission, and this is his story of soul crushing despair as he reveals his futile attempts to help, and the guilt and regret that he still suffers today.

I enjoy superhero films, swearing and violence, so I should love this, but, well, I don't. OK, so it might be an original idea, or, at least, as original as you can get with superhero films, but deciding to wipe excrement all over the walls and floors of my bathroom would be an original way of disposing of my shit, but that doesn't make it good, does it?

Don't be fooled by reviews for this film; it's a nerdy film, therefore only nerds are going to watch it, and thus only nerds are going to review it. And they're obviously going to like it. Get it? I thought it was interesting but I'm not sure that I enjoyed it. It's a strange one. If you're into comics and sci-fi then you'll love it. I've not read the book, though, which is probably much better.

This is a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, as Russel Brand plays the same rock star, Aldous Snow, just slightly older and entirely more into booze, drugs and getting fucked up. That funny fat lad out of Superbad is in it, as is Puff Daddy, or P Diddy, or Diddio, or Daddy, or Puffy, or whatever the fuck his name is nowadays, and, to be fair, he has the best part in it, as the angry, demanding record exec. It's funny in parts, but not as good as Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

This film has a quality British cast and enough swearing to make Joe Pesci blush. Some of the monologues are very entertaining too, especially from John Hurt, who totally steals the show as the angry old bastard. The film itself isn't great, though.

This is another story about a loyal dog and his owner. If you liked Marley & Me or Eight Below then you'll probably enjoy this. Unfortunately I knew the true story that this was based on, so I knew what was going to happen. It's a fairly decent film to watch whilst you're doing your ironing on a Sunday morning, but I wouldn't watch it again.

I loved this when I was a kid. It's still entertaining now, even with it's less than brilliant special effects. As good as the rest of the story is, this basically boils down to Perseus vs Medusa, and Medusa is pretty fucking hard. Nothing says 'you do not want to fuck with me' quite like a head full of snakes, after all. That scene is true film history.

This is a documentary that sums up how entirely fucked up, beyond all reasonable doubt, the Internet really is. If you've ever chatted to a stranger online, which, to be fair, you probably have, then you'll be able to relate to this somehow. And with a running time of only 75 minutes it's probably worth seeing. Anyone can be anyone online. Remember that next time you strike up a relationship with a new e-buddy, because some people out there are crazier than Lady Gaga's wardrobe.

This is a film about growing up, about that special time in life when you're on the cusp of adulthood. We've all been there, in that unique period of transition when you think you're old enough and responsible enough to make grown up decisions. You make these big decisions and you make mistakes, and it's only by learning from those mistakes that you do, in fact, learn and grow as a person. A good film for all young girls to watch, but really, people need to make their own mistakes to truly learn from them.

Apparently based on a true story, this film is about two young girls who have to go and live with their aunt after their parents die in a car crash. The aunt is a bitch to them from the very start but then things get a whole lot more Josef Fritzl; basements, beatings and sexual abuse. The most interesting aspect of the film is the power that an adult has over naive children, although the whole thing is let down by some B Movie acting, I thought.

Sexual abuse does occur; whether it be in homes, private schools, or the Catholic church, and this film points that out to us with precise fucking detail. This is profound shit that you will not want to watch again.

This film, essentially, is a love story, and I don't like love stories, because I'm a man, and men don't fall in love; not in real life. In real life men just find a woman willing to cook their dinner, do their ironing, put up with their farting, and ocassionally give them somewhere to put their dick. It's functional, not this lovey dovey shit women make up. The film is also based around a gameshow, Millionaire, which is obviously as well known as Chris Tarrant is an annoying, smug cunt, and thus needs no explanation.